Please help - Stepfamily Study / Divorce Game for kids/ Lost in Translation: Infidelity - 4/25/07

[Smartmarriages]

- PLEASE HELP WITH STEPFAMILY SURVEY
- DIVORCE GAME FOR KIDS
- LOST IN TRANSLATION: INFIDELITY IN AMERICA

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- PLEASE HELP WITH STEPFAMILY SURVEY
 
IF YOU ARE LIVING IN A STEPFAMILY, you are invited to participate in a
web-based research study being conducted by David Schramm and Dr. Francesca
Adler-Baeder at Auburn University.
 
Compared to what is known about couples in first marriages, there is very
little information about remarriages. We hope to learn more about what makes
strong remarriages and stepfamilies. We would also like to learn more about
the marital struggles that couples in stepfamilies experience, including
financial challenges, with the hope to be able to educate couples about what
to EXPECT going into a remarriage and/or stepfamily.

We prefer that both spouses complete the survey, but if only one does, that
will help, too.  

To participate, please use the following link to complete the on-line
questionnaire: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=914103708736

Please forward this to anyone living in a stepfamily who might be willing to
participate.  
  
David G. Schramm, MS, CFLE
Doctoral Candidate
Dept. of Human Development and Family Studies
Auburn University
(334)844-3299

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- DIVORCE GAME FOR KIDS
(File this one under "a sing of the times".....- diane)

Computer Game From Divorce Lawyers - Law Firm Offers Clients Research-Based
Psychological PC Game for Children
LawFuel.com 
April 23, 2007

Raleigh, N.C. - LAWFUEL - The Law Newswire - Rosen Law Firm, one of the
largest divorce firms in the state, now offers its clients and their
children a new therapeutic resource, Earthquake in Zipland by Zipland
Interactive Ltd. It¹s the first research-based psychological computer game
aimed at helping children ages 7-13 cope with divorce.

³We¹ve already worked with several clients who¹ve used the game with their
children,¹¹ says Lee Rosen, a board certified family law specialist and
president of Rosen Law Firm. ³ When parents split, they often find
themselves in challenging situations on how to communicate with their kids
and Earthquake in Zipland provides them with a unique tool.²

Through the main character, Moose, the game takes children and their parents
on an interactive, exploratory quest where they face challenging tasks that
uncover emotions including anger, loneliness, and conflicts around loyalty.
The game is designed to help children better cope with their parent¹s
separation through improving their communication skills.

³This is a tool that recently separated or divorced parents can utilize in
effectively guiding their children through a smooth transition,² says
Jennifer Coleman, life transition coach with Rosen Law Firm and a national
certified counselor with a background in marriage and family counseling.
³Children will have fun playing this interactive game while addressing some
of the emotional issues they face concerning their parents¹ divorce.

Earthquake in Zipland is based on techniques and insights drawn from a
variety of fields including clinical psychology, family counseling, and
child and divorce/separation therapy.

About Rosen Law Firm
Rosen Law Firm has offices in Raleigh, Charlotte, and Chapel Hill. Founded
in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to
couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our
staffs of attorneys and other legal professionals expertly address the
complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges
that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Practice areas
include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation
agreements, and domestic violence relief. For more information visit:
www.rosen.com

About Zipland Interactive
Zipland Interactive is in the process of developing other high quality
edutainment computer games, aimed at helping children deal with common
emotional and psychological issues in day to day life. The combination of
the two different fields within the group - psychology and game play - has
helped to produce a unique approach that is both entertaining and effective.
For more information visit: www.ziplandinteractive.com

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- LOST IN TRANSLATION: INFIDELITY IN AMERICA

Dear Diane,
I have been troubled by the tone and message contained in the new book by
Pamela Druckerman, "Lust in Translation" - especially her depiction of the
SmartMarriages Conference and the approaches we use to help couples deal
with marital issues, particularly extramarital affairs. For me, this is
both a personal and a professional affront - since I initially supported
the author's efforts to gather reliable information about the American
experience in dealing with affairs.

This book has just been published and is already getting a great deal of
attention - including the author's appearance on the Today Show yesterday.
Since I feel a responsibility to refute some of her claims, I have written
and posted a Review of the book on my website.
http://www.dearpeggy.com/lust-in-translation.html

Diane, I hope you will distribute the Review to the news list, asking
members of the Coalition to share it with others. A copy of the Review is
included below.
Peggy 

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Book Review:
Lust in Translation
The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee
by Pamela Druckerman

Reviewed by Peggy Vaughan

This book is an examination of the "rules" regarding extramarital affairs
around the world, describing differences in attitudes and behavior in many
different cultures. I could have enthusiastically supported a book that
objectively reported differences in the way cultures deal with affairs. But
I can't recommend a book where the author (with no expertise in the area)
goes beyond reporting to offering her own opinions/conclusions about the
validity of the professional methods used to address this issue.

Opinions about affairs based on collecting "information" provide very
little insight into this complex issue. The information needs to be
organized in such a way as to allow for "knowledge" that can be integrated
with experience to provide "wisdom" on the subject. Unfortunately, this
book provides information, but only a little knowledge, and no real wisdom.

I would not normally review a book that I don't recommend, but I'm making
an exception in this case because of my initial cooperation with the author
in gathering information about affairs in America. And I will restrict my
critique of the book to her comments about the U.S.A.

I was first contacted by the author in January, 2005, followed by a
telephone interview and emails over the next few months. Then that summer I
met with her in person at the SmartMarriages Conference where I arranged
for her to interview other professionals and some lay people for the book.
In fact, I was so helpful that she lists me first among those in the U.S.
that she thanks in her Acknowledgments.

Unfortunately, those of us who cooperated with her effort now have grave
regrets about having done so. Our disappointment is based on several key
themes in her sections on dealing with affairs in the U.S. For instance,
she adopted a generally critical (even sarcastic) tone in reporting on the
SmartMarriages Conference.

Here's her initial observation about the Conference:
"Opening night at the Smart Marriages Conference in Dallas feels like a
carnival. In a room the size of a football field, entrepreneurs stand in
booths and shout over the mariachi band about their remedies for fixing
broken marriages."

She also repeatedly discredited the need for honesty that most experts in
the U.S. recognize as essential in dealing with the fallout from affairs in
this country. While her comments about me personally were generally
positive, she made disparaging comments about the approaches of some of the
other experts at the conference. But her harshest criticism was aimed at
all of us who are part of what she termed the "marriage-industrial complex."

However, there is a glaring disconnect between the huge
"marriage-industrial complex" that she decries and the extremely low
statistics she quotes re: affairs in America, saying:
"Only 16 percent of American adults say they've had an affair in their
lifetimes. In a given year, just 3.5 percent of adults will commit
adultery."

Below are a few more of her comments about the "marriage-industrial
complex:"

"America's relationship entrepreneurs seem sincere about wanting to help
people, but they're also in business. Just as the military-industrial
complex needs wars, the marriage-industrial complex needs adulterous
couples to believe they require help from professionals. If people think
they can handle it alone ­ as they used to in America, and as they still do
in most of the world ­ the entrepreneurs are out of a job."

"If you've ever sat your partner down to discuss your relationship, or if
you believe that after your wife cheats on you it's best to talk about what
happened, or if you treat infidelity as a problem that can be solved, the
marriage-industrial complex has gotten to you."

"People in other countries didn't believe me when I told them about
America's confession cure. They assumed that knowing the details would make
a cuckolded spouse feel worse. But the truth-telling cure has become so
widespread in the United States that it's now gospel."

"This quest for all the details of the affair is also, of course, straight
from the playbook of the marriage-industrial complex."

I specifically want to draw attention to the following excerpt:

"Although the wisdom of the marriage-industrial complex is ubiquitous,
little of it has been tested. There's no empirical evidence that telling
your spouse all the gory details of your affair helps him get over it or
that couples are happier the more truthful they are."

In rebuttal to this last statement, I offer not only my personal experience
in working with couples during the past 27 years, but also the statistical
results of my survey on affairs with 1,083 respondents. This survey was
undertaken for the specific purpose of determining any correlation between
"answering questions and thoroughly discussing the whole situation" and
"healing and rebuilding the marriage."

The analyses of the results indicate:
--The amount the affair was discussed with the spouse and the extent to
which the spouse answered questions were significantly associated with the
current marital status and quality of the marriage.
--The amount the affair was discussed with the spouse and the extent to
which the spouse answered questions were significantly associated with
recovery.

Below are the Results of just 2 of the 8 hypotheses all shown to be
"statistically significant" with a p value of  <.001   (statistical
significance being defined by p values less than .05).

Hypothesis: A couple is more likely to stay married when the spouse answers
their questions.
x2 (2, N = 1083) = 66.58, p <.001

59% of those who refused to answer questions were still married
81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still
married
86% of those whose partner answered all their questions were still married

Note: The extent to which the spouse answered questions was significantly
associated with present marital status.

Hypothesis: They are more likely to have healed when they thoroughly
discuss the whole situation.
x2 (4, N = 1083) = 33.27, p <.001

35% of those who discussed the situation very little felt somewhat or
mostly healed
51% of those who discussed the situation a good bit felt somewhat or mostly
healed
54% of those who discussed the situation a lot felt somewhat or mostly
healed

Note: The amount that the affair was discussed with the spouse was
significantly associated with the degree to which they had healed.


Peggy Vaughan
peggy at dearpeggy.com
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/


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