Avoid Roadblocks| Sleep? | Internet Marriages - 4/26/07

Smartmarriages smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Thu Apr 26 16:21:16 EDT 2007



This article features advice from Michele Weiner-Davis who will present
three times in Denver: a Sat morning keynote "Divorce Busting on Steroids",
a Sat afternoon workshop "Affairs: Step-by-Step To Recovery" and a full-day
training institute:

> 118 One Day - Thursday, June 28
> Become a Divorce Buster!
> Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
> Learn two "teach-right-out-of-the-box"strength-based, solution-oriented
> programs - Marriage Breakthrough, an interactive one-day video seminar, and
> Keeping Love Alive, a 5-session, small group audiotape program. Teach a class
> or use as add-ons to other programs or in mentor/counseling settings.
> Effective even when only one spouse participates. Didactic, video and
> experiential. $50 spouse discount.
> Click for more information: http://www.smartmarriage.com/divorcebusting.html

Avoid The Roadblocks And Reach Your Goals, Part II
Jessie Knadler
c. 2007 Rodale Press Inc.
Distributed by The New York Times Syndicate

We know all about the promises we make to ourselves about creating positive
changes in our lives: Eating well, exercising more, losing weight and
balancing hectic lives ... but after a week or two of good intentions, the
old habits sneak back and we're right back where we started. So many good
intentions get lost in the momentum of life. Again, and again. We
understand. But we also know that you can make those important changes
stick. Learn how to make the necessary life changes to eat better, find
energy, and lose the weight you want. In Part II of our story, we offer more
expert strategies to will help you avoid the biggest roadblocks and reach
your goals.

The Roadblocks

"I'm never in the mood anymore."

Lower your standards. So you're not exploding with desire? Studies show that
many women who report a lack of interest in sex respond just fine once
they're in the midst.

"Women assume that mental desire must precede physical arousal, and that if
the desire isn't there, well, they must not like sex," says marital
therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The Sex Starved Marriage." "But
for many women, that's not true.

"I frequently tell women, 'The next time your husband approaches you, you
should just do it,"' Weiner-Davis adds. "See if the lightbulb goes on."

One common libido dampener for women who are years into a relationship:
comparing their desire with the drive they felt in the early days of the
union. "Don't wait for fireworks," Weiner-Davis says. "Work with the embers.
You have to find out what you need to feel sexier. Go out and buy new
underwear -- not for him, but for you."

"I'm too tired."

Don't make sex a cost-benefit analysis.

"Asking yourself, Do I get 7 hours of sleep tonight or do I have sex? does
not lead to passion," says psychologist Kathryn Hall, Ph.D., author of
"Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back into Your Life."
"Sex ends up being quick and efficient, and women's orgasms -- more than
men's -- become compromised."

Every now and then, Hall says, forget the laundry and other tasks, go to bed
half an hour earlier, and make sex the priority.

"I'm too stressed-out."

Schedule "gripe sessions" to keep stress from spilling over into the
bedroom. Take a few minutes at the end of the day to decompress
individually, says Weiner-Davis: Read a magazine, play with the cat. Then
get together to vent about your day. Just limit the shared kvetching time to
less than 30 minutes -- allowing it to drag on indefinitely can make the
relationship feel negative.

For the full article with guidelines for reaching other goals (energy,
stress, etc): 



> He actually wants you to say no.
> In the beginning of the dating chase, men are looking to get laid, but they're
> also looking to make a connection. Even though he may turn on the charm,
> subtly (or not so subtly) pushing to get you into bed, the truth is, he'd
> rather you turn him down than give in. Yes, it's contradictory. Look, he
> obviously wants to have sex, but he loves a good challenge too, and the more
> he has to work for it, the more enticing the prize will be. If he likes you,
> he's subconsciously hoping you'll fend him off because it makes you more
> desirable. You've heard that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

To read the full article from iVillage/"Solutions for Women":

Internet Marriages: Are They More Likely to End in Divorce?
Internet Dating Web Sites Take Steps to Ensure Their Couples Stay Together

Apr 26, 2007‹ - An estimated 3 million U.S. Internet users have clicked
their way to love, so says the Pew Internet and American Life Project.

Some entered long-term relationships after linking up in cyberspace, and
some even made their way down the aisle.

But more than 10 years after the Internet transformed dating, one question
remains: Are these couples living happily ever after, or are they more
likely to meet with divorce lawyers?

Although there are no official divorce statistics for those who met online,
one thing is certain: Just as in marriages that began in more traditional
ways, love stories created from online matches don't always have fairy tale

And the same sites that helped build a love connection for millions of
singles ARE NOW TRYING various tactics to ensure that marriages survive past
the honeymoon phase.

Let Cyber Love Rule

Some sites have brought in love doctors, encourage feedback and provide
personality tests for their marriage-hungry couples. . .

. . .Compatibility and online dating expert James Houran says there's no
statistical research that suggests the success rate for online marriages is
any different from that of conventional matchmaking.

He does have anecdotal evidence that suggests there's probably more failures
than successes. . .

. . . With that in mind, some sites are working actively to prevent divorces
before they even happen.

. . . EHarmony.com now has a "relationship lab" that monitors certain
couples for at least five years to see how the marriages are going. There's
also an advisory board of sociologists, neurologists and human relationship
experts who offer advice on all aspects of relationships.

In 2006, it launched eHarmony Marriage, a separate Web site it calls an
"online alternative to marriage counseling." Newlyweds can take part in a
12-session marriage program created by a team of in-house psychologists.

Match.com now has MindFindBind, a program developed with Phil McGraw, of the
syndicated daytime talk show "Dr. Phil." According to the Match.com Web
site, the program "helps people find success in the relationships they

Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine, says more sites are trying
to capitalize on people who are already in relationships.

But Houran still believes online dating sites need to do more to encourage
satisfaction and longevity. "While I believe in the potential of online
dating, there's not a lot of good research," that tracks whether these
couples actually stay together, he says.

As Web sites strategize to find ways to lure in returning customers and
attract new ones, it doesn't seem that online dating will be disappearing
anytime soon. "This is just an easier, more convenient way," says Spevak.
Whether their matching tactics will succeed in producing long-term marriages
is still unclear.

So are divorce rates of couples who meet online higher than the national

"It's too early to tell," says Spevak. "They will be part of that at some
point. We still need time to judge and to see if that statistically will be

To read the complete article:

LEARN MORE about eHarmonyMarriage at the Denver conference in their Fri
afternoon workshop and at their exhibit:
> 318
> Eharmony Marriage
> Les Parrott, PhD, Galen Buckwalter, PhD
> Use this private, convenient, engaging, on-line marriage-strengthening program
> as an adjunct to your community work or practice. Assessment, exercises,
> knowledge, skills.

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