Infidelity on the Raod/ Men's Minds - 4/20/07

[Smartmarriages]

- INFIDELITY ON THE ROAD
- INSIDES MEN'S MINDS VIDEOS

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Most of the experts quoted in this piece will present at the Denver Smart
Marriages Conference.  Train for a full day with Dave Carder, attend
workshops with Carder, Frank Pittman, and Anne Bercht who now directs the
BAN network begun by Peggy Vaughan.  See the "Infidelity" track at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/sex.track.html


- Infidelity is in the air for road warriors
Being away from home tempts some to cheat
By Gary Stoller
USA TODAY - April 20, 2007

Melissa cheats on her husband on business trips but not in her hometown.
"That would be lethal," she says.

Like many frequent business travelers, she uses the protection of the road
to live a secret life of romance far from spouses or partners. Their
affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years.
They're usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they
encounter often during repeat visits to a city.

"Business travel creates an opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes,"
says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of Is he Cheating on You? 829
Telltale Signs.

While no one has specifically studied business travel and infidelity,
academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the
road than close to home. And the heightened exposure of business travelers
to the possibility of infidelity increases the prospects that they and
their employers could be left to air the details of their affairs in the
courts or in the press.

The infidelities of traveling athletes, movie stars, musicians and other
celebrities are standard tabloid fare. Joumana Kidd, the wife of NBA star
Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets, for example, accused him in February in
a divorce-court filing of affairs with various women in different cities.

An affair led to the downfall of former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, who
worked in Chicago and was asked to resign in 2005 after he had an
extramarital affair with Debra Peabody, a Washington, D.C.-based vice
president at the company. Both subsequently resigned.

In December, Julie Roehm, a former senior vice president at Wal-Mart, sued
the company, claiming that it had violated her contract when she was fired
that month. Wal-Mart countersued, alleging that she went on business trips
and violated company policy by having an affair with a married man who
worked for her. Wal-Mart said it is against company policy for an employee
to become romantically involved with someone he or she supervises.
"Associates who violate this policy will be subject to immediate
termination," it said.

Roehm, who also is married, said she is the victim of a "smear campaign."

Only a minority of companies have specific policies regulating workplace
romance, says Mark Oldman, co-founder of Vault, a company specializing in
career information. "Most employers don't want to reach into the personal
life of employees or give the perception of trying to do so."

But some companies expressly prohibit romantic relationships between
employees, says Peter Petesch, a lawyer at Ford & Harrison, a national firm
specializing in labor and employment law. "In the middle of these extremes
are policies that require disclosure of relationships or bar relationships
between persons in a supervisor-subordinate status," he says.

Michael Lotito, an employment lawyer at law firm Jackson Lewis, says
companies could face sexual-harassment claims when workers hook up on the
road. "A relationship may begin in a welcome way, but sometime in the
future, one person may want it to stop," he says. "Suddenly, the events
take on a different tone."

Workplace romance could also influence awarding of contracts and cause
"economic harm" to a company, Lotito says.

But not all the affairs occurring during business travel involve
co-workers, and most never make headlines. For many business travelers, the
hurt they inflict on spouses and family usually outweighs the liability
they create for employers.

Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of
heterosexual marriages in the USA, according to Adrian Blow, a Michigan
State University professor who is a marriage and family therapist. The
studies show that more men than women are cheating, but none have
specifically looked at business travelers.

That group is likely to have a higher infidelity rate, Blow and other
experts say, because many factors make cheating easier. Among them: freedom
from a spouse's scrutiny and home responsibilities, more opportunities to
meet new people, and the near-constant availability of alcohol at
after-hour meals and social events.

Chris Arnzen of the National Institute of Marriage, a non-profit Christian
counseling service, says business travel often involves competition for a
sale or contract, and some people view sex as "a way to celebrate a success
or soothe a defeat." If that's their outlook, "It sets them up for
infidelity," she says.

University of Washington sociology professor Pepper Schwartz says, for
some, cheating while on the road involves less guilt.

"There seems to be a feeling," says Schwartz, "that a fling at a
convention, an interesting person met on a plane or a chance encounter is
somehow more blameless than something done in one's hometown or with a
friend in one's social circle."

For Melissa, an affair added spice to her life and eased the loneliness of
the road.

"You're in your room alone at the end of the night and have to sleep with
the remote," she says.

She and four other frequent business travelers who have been involved in
affairs on the road talked to USA TODAY about their experiences, as did the
wife of one of the business travelers. Each asked to remain anonymous
because of unsuspecting family members, friends and co-workers.

Melissa, who is in her 40s and has been married for more than 20 years,
says every few months on business trips she sleeps in a hotel with a
married man in her company who lives in another state. "It's not
necessarily healthy," she says, "but it gives me a reason to keep going."

Melissa says she's in love with her co-worker and doesn't have any guilt.
She says she has a "stagnant, brother-and-sister relationship" with her
husband and loves him "as the father of my children."

She and her lover were drinking at a bar when they first were attracted to
one another and realized they were more than friends.

Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says
business travelers "are on a slippery slope headed for trouble" any time
they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals
together, have time "to build a social, platonic friendship" and return to
the same hotel. "Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster;
and availability lights the fire."

Robert, a married business traveler in the Midwest, says he has three
steady lovers in three cities. He says his relationship with his wife is
unfulfilling. "What makes her happy doesn't make me happy," he says. "At
home, we have one giver, me, and one taker, her. I want a synergism where
you love someone, and they love you."

Robert, in his 60s, says he hasn't told his wife about his three lovers. He
met them on the Internet, and each one is married. Two of their husbands
are unaware of him, but one has an "open marriage," he says.

When traveling, "You don't feel so attached to family and community," says
Dan, a 48-year-old marketing executive in the Phoenix area whose affair
with a client was a factor in his divorce. "Your standards and morals tend
to change a bit."

Salespeople, he says, call it the 1,000-mile rule. "Within 1,000 miles of
home, you play by the rules and don't fool around," he says. "Beyond 1,000
miles, you can do whatever you want."

Most affairs involve people who aren't meeting for the first time, says
Frank Pittman, an Atlanta-based psychiatrist and author of a book, Private
Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy.

And people in certain professions - athletes, military officers, pilots,
lawyers, doctors and others in "high-profile" jobs — are more prone to have
affairs, says Frederick DiBlasio, a University of Maryland professor of
social work and a therapist. They have fame, power or wealth, and their
positions tend to attract suitors, he says.

Stephanie, a frequent business traveler who had a past affair on the road,
says she's seen married people at trade shows act "like wild animals,"
usually with other business people. "Trade shows are where the most
infidelities take place," she says.

Stephanie disapproves of the many married business travelers she has seen
having "one- or two-night stands" on the road. She admits, though, that she
and her current husband were on business trips and had an affair while
married to their first spouses. Her first husband was also having affairs
on road trips and at home, she says.

Still, "I don't think my own affair was OK," she says.

On the road, "There's a sense of safety and a general rationalization that
what the partner doesn't know won't hurt them," says psychologist Peggy
Vaughan, who has a website, DearPeggy.com, for people recovering from
affairs. Some business people believe "it's the norm to have affairs on the
road," because it's "what successful, well-traveled people do," she says.

Vaughan and her husband, James, also a psychologist, wrote a book, Beyond
Affairs, in 1980 that discusses his past affairs while traveling on
business. They have been married for 51 years.

Fewer people get caught "when they restrict their affairs only to
out-of-town adventures," she says. But there's a tendency for those who
don't get caught "to gradually increase the risks they take, including
moving into the more dangerous ground of in-town affairs."

If they get caught cheating, or admit their ways, it can devastate their
family relationships.

A California-based frequent traveler, also named Robert, confessed to his
wife in November that he had had two out-of-town affairs since they wed
about five years ago. They are undergoing intensive marriage counseling,
and it's been an "extremely painful process" trying to rebuild their
relationship, he says. Robert says he was always drunk during his affairs
and realizes they were an outgrowth of his upbringing. "I was raised in an
alcoholic family, and I had no discipline or obedience," he says.

His current wife says there was also a breakdown in their relationship at
home before his infidelity on the road. "The stresses and demands on our
lives were overwhelming," she says.

Robert says two of his affairs were with employees who worked for him, and
it would have been detrimental to his career if his employer knew about
them.

"It was a conflict of interest, and I could have been fired," he says.

Robert and his wife believe they can put the pieces of their marriage back
together. They hired Carder to counsel them and believe they've come a long
way in a short time. Carder has, among other things, made them look for the
real reasons Robert strayed and made them rediscover why they were
initially attracted to one another. "The key to saving any relationship
after infidelity," Carder says, "depends on the percentage of good history
a couple has shared, identification of the contributing factors and
stresses surrounding the inappropriate sexual relationship, the willingness
to forgive and the restoration of respect and trust."

"I'm beyond optimistic," Robert's wife says. "I know my marriage is going
to make it."

Only time will tell, but many other marriages dissolve after a spouse
cheats on a business trip, says infidelity expert Anne Bercht. She wrote a
book about her husband Brian's affair.

Many business travelers "have aged 10 years in two years," she says, "and
lost jobs, marriages, respect of children, self-respect, friends and a
great amount of wealth as a result of what began as a business trip, a
drink or two and some flattery."

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- INSIDES MEN'S MINDS VIDEOS

Amazing.  Ivillage asked a range of men on the streets of NYC questions like
"Is there Hope after Infidelity?"; "She's Cheated, do you want to know?";
"Why do involved guys, watch porn?"; "What do Women want?".  You have to
listen to ads but  I'm sure women will listen to all the interviews.
Brilliant format.  
Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/34uxfo

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