Follow ups: Cumulative and Oprah - 4/9/07

Mon Apr 9 19:38:03 EDT 2007

- OPRAH 
- CUMULATIVE LEARNING APPLIED IN "ONE SHOT INFIDELITY INTERVENTION"

##############################
- OPRAH 

I have received an incredible number of replies to the two posts I sent this
weekend - an overwhelming positive response to both "Oprah baffled" and
"better than a chocolate bunny" about the cumulative learning acquired at
Smart Marriages.  

Oprah:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-April/003369.html

Cumulative post: 
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-April/003370.html

Of course on a listserv of this size there are going to be critics.  Some
said things along the lines of Oprah being up front about her beliefs and
that I sent my email in the middle of the night and didn't even sign it.
Lots of confusion about whether I'd written the Oprah post. Sorry. I thought
I signed it. 

Others complained that only a "pro marriage" perspective is tolerated on the
listserv and they agreed with Oprah that the new respect for single women is
progress and that the chocolate bunny counselor presented only information
to the straying husband/father that was highly biased toward marriage.

But most of you wanted this student/family minister to write up what she'd
done and share it, and maybe even teach a workshop at Smart Marriages on
what she used from each of the Smart Marriages experts and how she wove it
together.  I've suggested to her that this would be a great dissertation.

Regarding Oprah, most wanted to strategize about how we can convince her to
do a show that would feature Dawson, Muhammad, Blackman, Slack and a
correction of the NY Times stats.  Many of you said you forwarded my email
to the Oprah Show. Several told me they've forwarded it to their own list
serv or have posted it on their Blogs. And, now I've got reporters calling.
I didn't send it to the show - only to the list.

Some missed the show and dwant a way to watch it. Sorry, but I erased it
after I watched it. Some who saw the show, corrected me and pointed out that
I'd made it sound as though the whole show was about marriage - sorry if I
gave that impression.  The show included other "news trends" like why we
worship celebrities and how we feel about the diapered astronaut's jealous
attack. 

Many wrote to REMIND me about how delighted I've been with Oprah's shows
featuring people like John Gray, Howard Markman, John Gottman, Pat Love,
Michele Weiner-Davis, Frank Pittman, Harville Hendrix, Steven Stosny, Judge
Jim Sheridan and questioning my judgment in criticizing this woman who has
done so much to get good information out there.  YES, I definitely have been
delighted with those shows. Maybe that's why these two disappointing shows
were so baffling.  

One of the most interesting comments was this one from a guest that happened
to "participate" in Friday's show:

> Hi Diane,
> I can tell you the rest of the Oprah story! It started last week when Maressa
> at the PR agency we work with called and said Oprah had a page on her website
> looking for people to comment on marriage and on the NY Times statistic you
> cited. So Maressa (the girl in the green sweater who ended up speaking on the
> show) replied to tell them about our program, thinkmarriage.org which is part
> of Foundation for a Great Marriage. She was told there was a good possibility
> we'd be on the show and we were asked to go through the regular ³fill in the
> form² steps. We were also told they would call and talk to our Executive
> Director Susan Dutton Freund, which they never did. Then Maressa called to say
> we had been invited to go on the show to be in the audience and possibly have
> a chance to raise our hands and give an opinion. Our Dirctor, Susan, had a
> prior engagement, so Maressa and I headed to Milwaukee on Wed for the taping.
> Once there we found out we were to go in a separate door, different than the
> ³normal² audience members. My first red flag was the fact that they never
> contacted us at thinkmarriage.org and they had called Maressa the night before
> to get her social security number, but not mine. They ushered us into "hair
> and make up". As soon as I sat down, they said, no, I didn¹t need to be in
> hair and makeup, just Maressa. I was sent to wait in another area.  When
> Maressa came out of hair and make up I told her it looked like I probably
> wasn¹t going to be speaking and I hoped she could talk about marriage and get
> thinkmarriage.org mentioned on the show. Susan had alerted me the day before
> to the Kay Hymowitz book, "Marriage and Caste in America". So I had spent time
> looking over the book and had prepared a short "audience" comment. Then the
> producer again briefed Maressa and this time explained that she was there as
> someone who was an interested party in marriage and could not mention an
> organization, but only give her views and here is what she should say! At this
> point we realized that the whole show was not on marriage but on a whole range
> of topics, and my only chance to bring up something would be by getting called
> on as an audience member. I almost broke my arm waving to try to get something
> in about Marriage and Caste in America and to correct the 51% statistic, but
> it was all in vein. Basically, Oprah only calls on pre-determined people -
> everyone called on had been in hair and makeup, had a microphone put on them,
> and was prepped on what to talk about. (Hope this doesn't burst anyone¹s
> bubble!)  After the show I gave Kay¹s book title to a producer and told her
> that Oprah really should see this book to get a different perspective. She
> took it, but I didn¹t get the feeling she was going to follow up. Lesson
> learned #1: if you are not invited to be on Oprah as an expert where they are
> going to identify you and your organization, go only to experience the show,
> not because you will get to promote marriage - it won¹t happen. Lesson learned
> #2: the show will be about Oprah¹s opinion, that will be the main focus
> Michele Olson - Communications Director
> http://www.thinkmarriage.org
> Green Bay, WI 
>  
##################################
- CUMULATIVE LEARNING APPLIED IN "ONE SHOT INFIDELITY INTERVENTION"

> Hi DianeŠ  
> Re: the family life minister and graduate student who ³threw it all against
> the wall² with ³George²ŠI would love to hear what George chooses.
> I think that would be a great one day class called something like
> ³what you need to know before you choose divorce².
> cheryl labarre
> marriage motivator

> Diane,
> I want to send you another example of how the material learned at Smart
> Marriages is being passed along.
>   
> Last night my husband and I sat around our kitchen island with our 16 yr old
> son and some of his friends.  We asked them what made for a good traits in
> someone they'd like to go out with.  Our son then listed what he'd like in
> someone to marry and explained to his friends that we knew a lot about "all
> that stuff".
> 
> Later I was sharing from John Van Epp's RAM model, and one kid came back to
> look though the "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" book.
> 
> Around midnight another kid who was spending the night drifted back alone to
> the kitchen to eat his Easter egg cupcake, wanting to know more about
> communication especially about "listening" as his girlfriend's Dad had died
> suddenly.  Powerful talk.  And, now he and some others suggested we teach some
> communication skills for a group of them!!
>  
> And, I have a request. I want to ask if the person who wrote the magnificent
> piece on affairs could make the time to outline and document the parts of each
> of the experts and their various resources /research/ talks etc used with this
> couple. It is a rare person who can so ably weave it together into a coherent
> whole for use in the one-shot deal we often get with a person like that
> wayward husband. 
> 
> Tell him/her that I think there would be a market for such an outline with
> counselors and pastors.
>   
> Rev. Kathy Goodrich
> Yellowstone Presbytery,  Montana

I think she is pretty busy (but she's on the list so will see this and
you're not the only one with this request) but, really, she already gave you
an outline of the pieces she used/wove together - and I'm thinking you need
the whole immersion, understand what the experts were saying and how they
said it "in context".  Probably best is to actually listen to the sessions
from which she gleaned the info for her "one-shot affairs intervention"
package. So I will take the time to look up the recording of the sessions
she mentions for you.

You can order these at 800-241-8875 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com
$15 per CD, $9.95 for MP3 downloads, $29.95 for DVDs.

> 753-P6 Keynote***
> Frank Pittman
> What Are Men For, Anyway?

> 751-P3-Keynote***
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> The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
> 
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> How to Save Marriages
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> Guerilla Divorce Busting

> 752-P6 Keynote***
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> What is it With Men and Commitment?
> Frank Pittman
> Teaching Men Marriage

> 756-308
> Affairs: Step-by-Step to Recovery**
> Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
> There isn¹t one right approach, but it helps to have a map
> of the territory. How much disclosure? When? Moratoriums?
> Why? Learn a flexible, adaptable structure that helps.

> 756-208
> Between Two Worlds: Children of Divorce
> Elizabeth Marquardt, MDiv
> Even in the best divorces, kids live divided lives in which they struggle to
> understand their parents' behavior, negotiate tangled family systems, and
> develop values and beliefs. New DVD available.

> 
> 756-402
> Affairproofing Marriage
> Frank Pittman, MD, Tina Pittman Wagers, MSW, PsyD
> Teach behaviors like honesty, intimacy, equality
> and manners to steer people away from the enemies
> of monogamy: narcissism, romanticism, and hanging
> out with people who have the habits and attitudes of
> chimpanzees.

> 755-201
> How Can I Forgive You?
> Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD
> How do you forgive someone who is unapologetic - or dead? Learn the steps to
> rise above the violation, repair hurt and hate and consider forgiving a
> spouse, parent, child, friend or lover.

> SHIRLEY GLASS INFIDELITY DVD PACKAGE**** only $59 - truly everything you'd
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> 
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> John Gray
> The Mars/Venus Solution

> 756-P5 Keynote
> John Gray
> The Mars/Venus Makeover

> 752-803
> How to Negotiate Without Losing Love
> Willard Harley, PhD
> Smart people are often idiots when it comes to marital conflict. Learn basic
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> 756-209
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> Elizabeth Einstein, MA
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> Ron Deal, MMFT
> Stepfamilies, our most common family form, are
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> Elizabeth Einstein, MA
> Stepfamily adjustment is hardest of all for teens  and, for
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> For men only.

> 754-P2 - Keynote
> John Gottman
> And, Baby Makes Three

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