Better than a chocolate bunny! - 4/8/07

[Smartmarriages]

This one is better than a chocolate bunny or finding the golden egg! - diane


> Diane, 
> I am a student working on a graduate clinical degree. I am also a family life
> minister at a church. I was made aware a year ago about an affair - the man
> (let's call him George), left his wife (call her Jenny) and his children for
> Susan. This was Susan's second extramarital affair and it led to her husband
> divorcing her and getting custody of their kids. There has been no divorce
> (yet) for George and Jenny.
>  
> When Jenny came to see me last year, I gave her Janis Spring's book, "After
> the Affair", and the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends".  A couple months
> later I walked her through The Controlled Separation contract ("Should I Stay
> or Go" by Lee Raffel).  And, I can say that Jenny has been managing herself
> with firm dignity.
>  
> Yesterday, George notified Jenny that he is rethinking things and asked to see
> me. I asked what he wanted from me. He wanted to hear from a "conservative"
> counselor.  He himself is not practicing any religion, but he was in torment.
>  
> I was ready.  I had Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair."  I drew a Rita
> DeMaria Genogram with all the people that would be in his new family if he
> married Susan.  It's complexity was apparent.  We previewed what the Christmas
> holidays (weddings, graduations and funerals) would be like.  I told him Ron
> Deal's Blender story, explained the phrase "new people" that his children
> would have separated their relatives with, and gave him statistics integrated
> with Elizabeth Einstein's concepts.  I told him about Judith Wallerstein's and
> Elizabeth Marquardt's legacy pictures.  I gave him Linda Waite's research
> about 5 years post divorce.
>  
> I told him about Stanley's research on cohabitation about falling into
> marriage (sliding vs deciding).  I talked about "Soul Mates" a la everybody,
> but especially Chapman's view.  I drew on his dignity and character as a man
> (Haltzman and Pittman).  I gave him a lesson on hormones and brains and the
> insanity of "new attraction" a la John Gray and Helen Fisher.  I gave him
> statistics about fatherhood from Gottman's "Bringing Baby Home." I told him
> that to have a successful marriage with Susan, he had to wake up every morning
> asking himself "what can I do to make Susan happy today?" Was that what he
> wanted to do?
>  
> I encouraged him to do a FOCCUS or Prepare inventory before he entered a
> marriage contract with Susan, if he decided to pick her.  I showed him in
> Harley's book and the Michele Weiner-Davis book "Divorce Remedy" how he could
> win Jenny's heart back over time, if that's what he decided to try.
>  
> He said the other counselors told him to follow his heart - to go with his
> soul mate.  I explained windows and walls from Shirley's book and how the
> slippery slide leads to "soul mate" situations.
> I referred him to counselors at http://www.affairrecovery.com/ .  I showed him
> the chapter in Harley's book about the pain involved in ending an affair and a
> map through it, giving him the book to take home.
>  
> It was an amazing hour.  I felt privileged for the opportunity to help this
> man look ahead and I was amazed at all I've learned in six years of attending
> the Smart Marriages conference.  I don't know what he will choose, but I think
> he better understands what he will be choosing and I just wanted to tell you
> to please keep on what you're doing. Don't use my name or location - I've
> changed their names but want to be sure I protect client confidentiality.
> Smartmarriage Alumna, 6 years and counting - See you in Denver!
> 

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