Men & Marriage/Wilcox rebuttal/DV/ Glenn: In defense of marriage/ Glory Day - 9/06

Fri Sep 22 11:29:44 EDT 2006

- ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN
- CAVALIER ATTITUDE IN THE CAVALIER
- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHECKLIST: AVAILABLE AT WWW.NIRE.ORG
- NORVAL GLENN: IN DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE
- THE GLORY OF GETTING MARRIED TO HER!!

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- ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN

> Diane:
>     I read the post about the study showing that trying to change your partner
> is futile. My research on husbands (300-plus surveyed) came up with a somewhat
> different result. First of all, 60 percent of married men in my study said
> they already had been changed by their wives -- and more than 90 percent of
> those said the changes had been for the better. It was not a question of
> whether they could be changed, but what strategies were most effective. The
> two most effective strategies were: 1) positive reinforcement of desired
> behavior, and 2) modeling of desired behavior.
>     Just thought the list might want to hear a competing perspective.
> Neil Chethik, author VoiceMale: What Men Really Think About Their Marriages
> http://www.voicemalebook.com

This reminds me of the Gay Talese research and book, "Thy Neighbor's Wife".
Talese points out that single women complain that "all the good men are
taken" and it turns out they're right - all the good men ARE married, but
it's BECAUSE THEY ARE MARRIED, that they are so "good".  That it's the
process of marriage - the whole process of accommodating and being part of
the martial/parentig team and "accepting influence" (as Gottman would put
it) that makes married men look so desirable.  This fits fine with all the
marriage education programs - the skills for negotiation and communication
skills and the techniques for noticing and reinforcing desired behavior and
the information that helps us understand our gender differences and what to
expect along the way. All part of our Marriage Renaissance - enlightenment.
-diane  

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- CAVALIER ATTITUDE IN THE CAVALIER

Cavalier Daily (U of Va)
September 21, 2006 
<http://www.cavalierdaily.com/home.asp>

An unnecessary third wheel
<http://www.cavalierdaily.com/CVArticle.asp?ID=27769&amp;pid=1478>

I could not disagree more with Colin Clark, one of The Cavalier Daily's
self-styled "experts" on health and sexuality ("Three's company!" Sept. 18).
With his advocacy of threesomes to liven up "dull" romantic relationships
(for those with-it University students without "hang-ups"), Clark reveals
his utter ignorance when it comes to matters of the heart.
His ignorance of matters of the heart is surpassed only by his ignorance of
the social science on sex and marriage. For the record, we know that sexual
promiscuity prior to marriage is associated with elevated rates of
depression, sexually transmitted disease and suicide among young adults, as
well as divorce for those who go on to marry. Furthermore, the divorce rate
is not "one in four," as Clark suggests, but nearly one in two, in part
because too many Americans take Clark's cavalier attitude towards sexual
infidelity, itself an important cause of divorce.
W. Bradford Wilcox 
Assistant Professor
Department of Sociology

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- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHECKLIST: AVAILABLE AT WWW.NIRE.ORG

Diane,
In response to several requests following the workshop on ³Domestic Violence
and Marriage Education² that Dennis Stoica and I presented at the 2006 Smart
Marriages Conference, I am making available a ³Checklist for Differentiating
Two Different Forms of Interpersonal Violence.² The Checklist provides a
summary of an emerging consensus in the domestic violence field that there
are (at least) two different forms of interpersonal violence.  It is my hope
that this checklist, together with its accompanying Introduction and
Selected Bibliography, will help clergy, marriage educators and others make
well-informed decisions and sound recommendations when faced with
interpersonal violence in their work with couples and families.  The
checklist may be accessed at http://www.nire.org.  I am making this
available to list readers for their use and ask only that, if printed and
distributed (at workshops, classes, etc), the 3 pages be printed and
distributed together.

Rob Scuka, PhD
Executive Director
National Institute of Relationship Enhancement (NIRE)

Thanks to Rob Scuka for making these important distinctions.  You might want
to listen to the recording of the 2-hour session to which he refers.  Order
it at 800-241-7785 on DVD or MP3:

> 756-214
> Domestic Violence and Marriage Education
> Rob Scuka, PhD, Dennis Stoica, MBA
> Learn to distinguish levels of domestic violence and to
> use Relationship Enhancement (RE) skills preventively
> and remedially as part of any marriage education program.
> 

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- NORVAL GLENN: IN DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE
The Dallas Morning News
September 20, 2006

Some legal scholars value freedom over family. That's bad news for
children and the future of our society.

Most recent public discussion of the law and marriage has focused on
whether there should be same-sex marriage, but the issue of how the law
should treat marriage goes far beyond that narrowly focused debate. More
fundamental is the question of whether the law should promote and
support marriage (possibly including same-sex marriage) or whether it
should favor "family diversity" - the view that no family form is
superior to any other. To the family diversity advocates, what others
consider family fragmentation - including divorce, out-of-wedlock
childbearing and the consequent weak relationships of fathers with their
children - is not a social problem but something to be celebrated. While
the "celebration" of family diversity has largely disappeared among
social scientists who study families - because research has failed to
support it - it has increased among legal scholars.

This trend is exemplified by the American Law Institute's issuance of
"Principles of Family Dissolution," which, according to professor
Katherine Bartlett, one of the document's drafters, is based on the
premise that the primary purpose of family law should be to affirm the
value of family diversity and the freedom of individuals to choose from
a variety of family forms.

This trend in legal thought recently prompted more than 100 family and
legal scholars, including some who favor same-sex marriage and some who
don't, to issue a statement titled "Marriage and the Law: A Statement of
Principles." http://www.americanvalues.org/html/mlawstmnt2.html

In that document, we (I being one of the signatories) affirm what we
consider to be some fundamental truths, summarized by the assertion that
marriage is a key social institution with profound material, emotional
and social consequences for children, adults and society.

It is not just one of a number of equally effective arrangements for
providing for the emotional, sexual and material needs of adults and the
care, protection and nurturance of children. Marriage is uniquely
effective for promoting involvement of fathers with their children and
for promoting the welfare and nurturance of children. For most adults,
it is the best arrangement for providing material and emotional
security. 

There is overwhelming evidence that when parents fail to form enduring,
low-conflict and loving marriages, children are likely to suffer.
Children whose parents divorce, never marry or have conflict-ridden
marriages have unusually high rates of poverty, mental illness,
delinquency, academic failure and sexually transmitted diseases, among
other pathologies. As adults, they have less successful marriages and
are less successful financially and occupationally.

These differences alone do not prove effects of family form on children
because "correlation does not equal causation." However, sophisticated
statistical analyses indicate that they largely, though not entirely,
reflect the effects of family form.

Different researchers interpret the evidence somewhat differently, but
one conclusion is clear: Family form matters. Different family forms are
not equally good for children or adults. The best family form, all else
being equal, is a low-conflict marriage of the child's biological or
adoptive parents. Single-parent families, stepfamilies and parental
cohabiting relationships all fail, on average, to nurture children as
well, though in some instances they may function quite well.

Support of the law is not sufficient to keep the institution of marriage
healthy, but it may be essential. Law does not just reflect the norms
and values of a society, it reinforces and shapes them.

The legal underpinnings of marriage are especially important at this
time, when economic and cultural forces tend to undermine the
institution. It should be emphasized that the decline of marriage as an
institution arguably hurts women as much as it hurts children, primarily
by shifting more of the burden of the care and support of children to
women. If anyone benefits from "family diversity," it is the men who
want sexual gratification without family responsibilities.

The bottom line is that the legal scholars who value family diversity
over marriage are promoting the freedom of adults to indulge their
momentary desires to the detriment of the well-being and eventual
development of children and thus to the future of the society. Whatever
the outcome of the same-sex marriage debate, the family diversity
advocates must not prevail.

Marriage must remain a legally protected and favored institution,
whether or not it's exclusively heterosexual.

Norval D. Glenn is a professor of sociology at the University of Texas
at Austin. He specializes in family-related research. His e-mail address
is ndglenn at mail.la.utexas.edu.

Online at: 
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/opinion/viewpoints/storie
s/DN-glenn_20edi.ART.State.Edition1.3e474a8.html

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 - THE GLORY OF GETTING MARRIED TO HER!!

Diane, 

Now, here is a man that appreciates the full glory of getting married:

http://www.thevideoawards.com/details/?id=45abd3a0-0d10-42a6-8d00-f4260c9177
ff
Rozario Slack

My goodness, this is a happy man.   I'd love to have follow up on this
marriage - hear how it's going.   - diane
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