Hedy and Yumi do the world/ Co-bedding - 9/06

[Smartmarriages]

- IT'S A MIRACLE
- PEOPLE WHO SHARE A BED, AND THE THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT IT

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- IT'S A MIRACLE

If you attended the opening session of the Smart Marriages Atlanta
Conference and saw Hedy Schleifer's rousing, inspirational presentation you
get the "miracle" reference. After hearing her talk, we all realize it's a
huge miracle that the Schleifer's 3-day "Adventure in Intimacy" course is
available - and, in so many exotic destinations around the world - and in so
many languages. After seeing Hedy's keynote and listening to the recording
of her 2 hour workshop, this is a marriage retreat I'd love to attend.
Check it out and plan to give yourself and your honey a truly wonderful
"marriage vacation" in sunny Ft Lauderdale.  Maybe we should all rendezvous
there in Jan - what could be more wonderful to look forward to in the middle
of winter! - diane 

> Adventure In Intimacy: Hedy & Yumi Schleifer
> Hedy and Yumi specialize in 3-day experiential programs for couples and
> training for professionals in wonderful, exotic destinations.  Married over 40
> years, they incorporate their own marital wisdom along with Imago Relationship
> Theory, Martin Buber¹s relational philosophy, neurobiology, and Appreciative
> Inquiry to give couples the most effective and complete transformation for
> their marriage.  Learn to speak your desires so they are heard, dissolve
> deeply rooted conflicts, transform daily frustrations into vehicles for
> change, and bring passion back to your marriage.
> For more information and registration:
> 305-604-0010
> Web: http://www.hedyyumi.org
> Schedule, usually 8:30am - 7:30pm daily:
> Ft. Lauderdale, Florida ­ FL: Oct 20-22, Jan 19-21, March 23-25, June 22-24
> Paris, France (in French):  Nov 24-26, May 4-6
> Vienna, Austria (in German): Dec 1-3, April 13-15,
> Jerusalem, Israel (in Hebrew): Dec 12-14
> Guerneville, California ­ CA:  March 16-18

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- PEOPLE WHO SHARE A BED, AND THE THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT IT
The New York Times 
By KATE MURPHY 
September 19, 2006 

((Not sure why, but this seems like a wonderful topic for the conference.
Maybe because it's been ignored and I suspect it is one of the many
undocumented pleasures.  Wonder if you agree.  - diane ))

While researching rural life more than 20 years ago, Paul C. Rosenblatt
took his 12-year-old son with him to interview farm families in the
Midwest. Father and son stayed in a farmhouse and had to share a bed.

"It was terrible," said Dr. Rosenblatt, a professor of sociology at the
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, because
his son thrashed and turned so much that "his feet were in my face all
night." 

Tired and bedraggled the next day, he recalled thinking about how
challenging it can be to adapt to sleeping with another person.

In more recent research - on grief - Dr. Rosenblatt interviewed couples
whose children had died.

"They quite often would tell me that they dealt with their grief by
holding each other and talking together in bed at night," he said. "It
seemed that I kept being reminded of how sharing a bed impacts our lives
and sense of well-being."

And yet, no one had really studied it, perhaps because sharing a bed is
so mundane, Dr. Rosenblatt said. So he wrote "Two in a Bed: The Social
System of Couple Bed Sharing" published this summer
by State University of New York Press.

"It's not a self-help book," he said, but an examination of some of the
common and often humorous issues couples face when sharing a bed,
including spooning, sheet-stealing and snoring.

"My hope is that the book will influence the world of sleep research so
sleep is no longer viewed as an individual phenomenon," Dr. Rosenblatt
said.

There are thousands of studies on sleep and even more on marriage and
relationships, but only a handful on couples sleeping together.

The National Sleep Foundation, a nonprofit group in Washington that
supports education and research on sleep and sleep disorders, estimates that
61 percent
of Americans share their bed with a significant other. And while the
very presence of another person in bed increases the chance of sleep
disruption, 62 percent of those polled in the foundation's annual sleep
study said they preferred to bed down with their partner.

In researching his book, Dr. Rosenblatt said even though many couples
said they slept better alone, they still shared a bed. "When I asked
why, they looked at me as if I'd asked them why they keep breathing," he
said.

For "Two in a Bed," Dr. Rosenblatt interviewed 42 couples. Most of them
were married heterosexual couples but some were unmarried hetero- or
homosexual couples. Intimacy and comfort were the primary reasons
couples gave for sleeping together.

"Some mentioned sex, but not a lot," Dr. Rosenblatt said. Most reported
that the bed is where they talked. "The bed is where they found privacy
and were able to leave behind the distractions and separate interests
that keep them apart during the day. There's also something about late
night that allowed them to open up and connect."

Several interviewees reported that difficulty sleeping together or
sleeping apart had led to the dissolution of previous marriages, and
that sleeping together was essential to maintaining their relationships.
Dr. Rosenblatt found that it might also save lives.

"It surprised me how many people thought they were alive today because
they shared a bed," Dr. Rosenblatt said.

For example, he said a woman's seizure was noticed immediately by her
husband with whom she spooned every night. Similar stories came from
couples where one partner had a heart attack, stroke or went into
Diabetic shock.

The couples Dr. Rosenblatt interviewed described how they had had to
adjust to sleeping with their partner. Many reported conflicts over
bedroom temperature, where to locate the bed and how to make the bed.

Watching television, reading and eating in bed were other contentious
issues, as was sleeping in the nude. There were quarrels over the alarm
clock and whether to allow children or pets into the bed.

"Each couple had to do a lot of problem solving to work out their
systems for sleeping together," Dr. Rosenblatt said. These systems, he
said, usually became comforting routines of how couples prepared for
bed, got into bed, behaved once in the bed, fell asleep and woke up.

The subjects he interviewed invariably had their own side of the bed,
and responsibilities like putting out the cat or opening the windows
before turning in. They usually had rituals like watching the television
news before lights out or snuggling before falling to sleep. And they
often had signals for when they wanted affection, wanted to talk or
wanted to be left alone.

"How they arrived at these systems could be said to mirror their
relationships," said Dr. Rosenblatt. The most successful systems were
those formed out of compromise and sensitivity to the other's needs.
"The issues change over time," Dr. Rosenblatt said.

Whereas a woman might have always been cold at night when she was
younger, she might feel like a furnace from menopausal hot flashes as
she grows older. Prostate problems might cause a man to get up more
often in the night to use the bathroom. Illness and injury might prevent
people from sleeping entwined with each other.

Not surprisingly, perhaps, those interviewed said dealing with a
partner's snoring and insomnia profoundly affected the
couple's sleep dynamic.

"These are all things that no one teaches you how to cope with," said
Neil B. Kavey, a psychiatrist and director of the Sleep Disorders Center
at New York-Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center. "There's no
counseling in this regard, but there should be."

Sleep centers are primarily concerned with treating disorders and don't
address the impact one partner has on the other. Whatever the cause of
unrest, "sleep deprivation has consequences," Dr. Kavey said. Those
include impaired cognitive ability and irritability.

Though Dr. Rosenblatt has written five other books and scores of
scholarly essays and papers, he said his book on couples' sleep has
gotten by far the most attention from the news media and fellow
academics.

"I think it's because it's something most people have struggled with and
can relate to," Dr. Rosenblatt said. "And even though we may take
sleeping with our partner for granted, it's through these kinds of
shared social systems that we build and nurture our relationships, and
perhaps uncover the underlying meaning of our lives."

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