Monday morning on campus - 9/18/06

[Smartmarriages]

- SIGN OF THE TIMES?
- 30 YEARS LATER, PORN AFFECTING COUPLES
- TOP-RATED, PRACTICAL, HELPFUL RECORDINGS - TAKE THESE, BETTER THAN TUMS


- SIGN OF THE TIMES?

I don't know what kind of header to give this first one, "Sign of the Times"
or maybe better: "Proof Diane is getting really really old".  At first I
didn't believe the Daily Clarion could actually be a university newspaper -
thought this must be a spoof.  But, tooling around on the U of Virginia
website, it appears that the Daily Clarion is official. Sorry if this one
gives you indigestion but feel it's important that we stay in touch with
what our sons and daughters are reading on a "daily" basis. I suppose Colin
Clark would ask why I'm upset - he is talking about "good marital
communication", after all. See below for antidote and real guidelines to
incredible marital sex.    - diane

> Health and Sexuality
> Three's company!
> Daily Clarion - University of Virginia
> September 18, 2006
> 
> Colin Clark, Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality Columnist
> 
> A guy purportedly by the name of Brody Ruckus just had his 15 minutes of fame.
> About two weeks ago, he started a Facebook group called "If this group reaches
> 100,000 members, my girlfriend will have a threesome." As of Sept. 13 (when
> Facebook administrators took the page down after exposing the group as a
> marketing scam), the group had over 300,000 members. Andy Warhol would be so
> proud.
> 
> Threesomes can be perfectly healthy for relationships. I think what bothers
> people the most about threesomes is the idea of sharing. Most people are
> uncomfortable with the idea of letting some other woman or guy have sex with
> their significant other. To be honest, not everyone has this hang-up.
> 
> Sure, threesomes are not for everybody, but they can make a perfectly normal
> relationship more sexually exciting for everyone involved. I think deep down
> what most college men fear more than anything about a committed relationship
> is that this may be the last relationship he ever has. In fact, most married
> men are committed to never having sex with another partner for the rest of
> their lives.
> 
> A married friend of mine told me that she had put a jar in her room and during
> the first year of her marriage she put a penny in the jar for every time she
> had sex with her husband. After the first year is up, she started to take a
> penny out of the jar for every time she has sex. She told me that she doubted
> that she will ever empty the jar.
> 
> Are all marriages this lifeless? Obviously not, or there wouldn't be any
> marriages left. However, over the past few decades divorce has seemed to rear
> its ugly head to the point where as many as one in four marriages end in
> divorce.
> 
> How many of these marriages died because of a lack of passion? Maybe sex
> became too dull and the couple began to fight more. Maybe one person in the
> relationship just decided to stop having sex entirely because it became boring
> or a hassle.
> 
> Threesomes may offer long-term relationships some spark. The excitement and
> energy can be reinvigorating for some relationships if certain rules are
> followed.
> 
> Rule #1: Both people should want a threesome. I'm sure Brody Ruckus's
> girlfriend feels slightly betrayed by being paraded around like a piece of
> meat. Unless she likes that sort of thing.
> 
> Rule #2: The third party should be chosen by the person of the same sex. For
> instance, the woman should choose the other woman, and vice-versa. This is
> crucial because it is usually harder to allow your partner's attention to be
> divided than yours. In other words, if you are a guy, would you let your
> girlfriend choose the other guy for the threesome?
> 
> Rule #3: Define the rules of engagement. Is it okay to penetrate? Should the
> time be spread evenly between the two other people? As silly as it may sound,
> the more you communicate with your partner about what you are or are not
> comfortable with may save you and your partner many headaches.
> 
> Realistically, you should make every decision with your partner and be
> completely open and honest. Even if Dr. Phil says that communication is the
> key to a relationship, the guy who is telling you to have a threesome is also
> saying it. Talk to your partner. If you think a threesome can save a dull
> sexual relationship, go for it.
> 
> Colin Clark is a Health & Sexuality columnist. He can be reached at
> clark at cavalierdaily.com.
> 
#############################

- 30 YEARS LATER, PORN AFFECTING COUPLES
By Candice Novak, Associate Copy Editor
www.kaleo.org
University of Hawaii Student Newspaper
September 12, 2006

This is from another university student newspaper.  While the above article
on threesomes might give Mark Gungor an aneurism, this one gives me the
opportunity to urge you to order some of the highest rated sessions at the
Atlanta Conference - all offering great solutions to these sexual
challenges.  I'll list the recommended sessions at the bottom.  - diane

> Internet porn has altered the fabric of American relationships so
> much that in a 2003 survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial
> Lawyers, more than half said the Internet had played a ?significant
> role? in divorces in the past year, and that online porn lead to
> half of these cases. . . .

> Sociologist  Michael Kimmel who has discovered in his research that each year
> more  of his female college students approve of porn. . . .

> Many college-aged Americans have had partners but have not yet been
> married. Researchers expect in the next ten years ? as those in
> college now settle down and marry ? to see the effect of the first
> porn-friendly generation. The main question is whether the negative
> effects of porn (divorce, obsession, female degradation) will
> intensify or level out.


TV, DVD, VHS and Internet porn and its effects on Americans in an era
of Internet connectivity, rampant divorce and a booming porn
industry. Part two of a series.

There are innumerable reasons couples break up. But in the last 25
years there has been a new emerging trend of couples breaking up,
divorcing or seeking couples counseling; pornography. More commonly
called porn, adult films, smut, hard-core, soft-core, R-17 movie,
skin flick, stag film, or, the basic: the x-rated movie.

The less talked-about movie genre is more than not experienced alone.
But with easy access from movie-ordering services, pay-per-view
television and Internet downloads, porn has taken a leap into more
lives than ever before.

And many of them are in relationships. The way people take in the new
genre and its spreading success has many professionals intrigued, and
concerned. There is no research to compare much of the recent studies
with because of the relative youth of the subject. Grandparents in
their early adulthood only were exposed to what was then called naked
lady playing cards; a deck of 52 different posing women on standard
card decks. Today, things are much different.

?I like porn too,? said one University of Hawai?i at M?noa
student who asked to be called Kala to preserve her anonymity. ?Like
when he got to work in the porn section at his video store, he was
stoked, subtly stoked,? she said of her current boyfriend with whom
she?s been with for a year and a half. ?But with my ex-boyfriend
it was totally uncomfortable, we never really watched one together.?
Kala said, ?At some point, for some reason, it involves your
relationship, and your sensitivity level-and insecurities-for sure.?

Americans spend an estimated $10 billion yearly on adult
entertainment, according to a CBS report. The seductively lucrative
market has attracted big names like General Motors, Marriott and Time
Warner, who all now sell some version of pornography. What is called
?the porn factor? in hospitality circles has also become a
critical part of business for hotel owners and satellite systems.

Internet porn has altered the fabric of American relationships so
much that in a 2003 survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial
Lawyers, more than half said the Internet had played a ?significant
role? in divorces in the past year, and that online porn lead to
half of these cases.

?I?d rather have it real, than something vicarious through actors
and actresses,? Kala said, pondering that maybe men need porn more
because of a lack of availability and increased sex drive. ?I?d
rather have a one night stand than get into the whole fantasy.
That?s just pointless. I?d rather have a small connection with a
real person than get caught up in this fake world with no results.?
Kala and her boyfriend have a porn collection in their apartment, and
seem quite comfortable about it.

Some don?t have it so easy.

One woman told the New York Metro that her porn-addicted, long-term
boyfriend chose streaming video over her. ?This wasn?t even
another person,? she said. ?He had a choice between jerking off in
front of his computer or having sex with me, and he chose the
computer.?

There is a disproportionate number of women complaining about men?s
behavior, which some blame on the very nature of mainstream porn.

Gloria Steinem, a founder of feminism and a strong women?s rights
advocate, says that erotica is ?rooted in passionate love, and thus
in the idea of positive choice, free will, the yearning for a
particular person,? whereas in pornography ?the subject is not
love at all, but domination and violence against women.?

The problem with most mainstream, traditional porn, many researchers
and assailants say is the base ingredient: female degradation. There
are scores of alternative, gender- and sex-friendly pornography, but
the big money mostly goes to the norm.

People use porn as entertainment or as a substitute. But most viewers
know what it is. It?s simply videotape, DVD, something plastic. Most
people don?t develop habit-forming problems because of it.

There?s always, however, the exception.

Alvin Cooper, a cybersex addiction expert who conducts seminars to
help porn addicts, says 15 percent of online-porn regulars develop
sexual behavior that ultimately disrupts their lives.

But most people, those Cooper calls ?recreational users,? view
Internet porn as not having an impact on other parts of their lives.
At the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center Cooper conducted a study
on these types of users and found 85 to 90 percent using Internet
porn out of curiosity or diversion.

On the other side of things, some therapists recommend couples watch
porn together to ease the ?cheating and lying? accusations.

Women?s realization that their partners are watching porn without
their knowledge follows with feelings of betrayal, says Sociologist
Michael Kimmel who has discovered in his research that each year more
of his female college students approve of porn. But, therapists warn,
partners should chose more ?erotic? material over
?pornographic.?

Americans now in their early 20s have grown up knowing what porn is,
since the proliferation of the video cassette. And many, who are not
habitués still see porn as a plastic, often amusing, story line with
sex. This is the first generation to grow up so close to the porn
industry.

Many college-aged Americans have had partners but have not yet been
married. Researchers expect in the next ten years ? as those in
college now settle down and marry ? to see the effect of the first
porn-friendly generation. The main question is whether the negative
effects of porn (divorce, obsession, female degradation) will
intensify or level out.

Kala said her most striking experience with porn was before she had a
boyfriend. ?My girlfriend and I used to watch porn all the time and
just laugh. In Europe all the porn channels come on around 11 p.m.
It?s not something I masturbate to, it?s just funny.?

More to Come

This is the second article in a four part series looking at the
effects of pornography. Read Ka Leo next week for more.

###############################
- TOP-RATED, PRACTICAL, HELPFUL RECORDINGS - TAKE THESE, BETTER THAN TUMS

Each of the 2 hour sessions listed below was recorded live at the
10th Annual 2006 Smart Marriages Conference and is available on
CD or MP3 for $15 each at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

CDs $15 each or order 12 or more and they're $12.50 each.

Downloads are ONLY $9.95 each.

DVDs are available of the Keynote and Special Master sessions  - $29.95

756-P5
KEYNOTE: Porn Addiction - DVD, CD, MP3
Mark Laaser, PhD, MDiv
Porn has become the #1 seller on the internet and extremely damaging to
marriage. Learn to recognize the symptoms and to prevent and help overcome
addiction to internet sex.

756-801 - DVD, CD, MP3
The Number One Key to Incredible Sex
Mark Gungor
Learn a humorous and incredibly effective approach to
understanding the misinformation that kills off sex and
passion, and how to turn things around.

756-211
Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage ? MINI
Hon Jim Sheridan, JD, MBA
Scripture describes marriage as a dynamic relationship
between equals filled with passion and love. Learn
how to put this into practice with disagreements, sex
and the realities of lifelong marriage.

756-412
Rekindling Desire
Barry McCarthy, PhD
One in five marriages is non-sexual, i.e., have sex less
than 10 times a year. Specific exercises bridge the cycles
of avoidance and self-consciousness and reestablish desire.
Case illustrations.

756-510
WAIT (Why Am I Tempted) Training
Joneen Krauth-Mackenzie, RN
Teach teens to have the best sex by waiting and preparing for marriage. A
love, character, relationship, marriage prep curriculum for schools. 40
states and abroad, non-sectarian.

756-608
Married Sex for Men
Michael Metz, PhD, Barry McCarthy, PhD
Ten things men need to learn to deal with the common
problems ? low desire, porn addiction, erectile dysfunction,
premature ejaculation, etc. ? to build a healthy, pleasurable
sex life.

756-714
Love and Sex Addiction
Jon Marsh, Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
12-steps is not for everyone.  Learn how to use the skills
and value-based PRIDE recovery model for transitioning
couples from traumatic discovery of a love/sex addiction
to healthy partnership.

756-807
Marital Sex As it Ought to Be
Barry McCarthy, PhD
When it's good, it?s great. When it's bad or non-existent, it's
a bummer. Learn what it takes to have great marital sex
- intimate and erotic - and how to prevent and resolve sexual problems.

**************************
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Diane Sollee, Director
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