Making Marriage Work After Retirement - 9/1/06

Fri Sep 1 11:36:30 EDT 2006

This excellent article by Marilyn Gardner highlights yet another challenge
faced by baby boomers - staying married for better or worse and even in
retirement.  Gardner does a great job of pointing out how our longevity and
economic and social changes are revolutionizing expectations.  The article
features our own David and Claudia Arp - authors of "The Second Half
Marriage", "Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage", and "10 Great Dates for
Empty Nesters" - who will guide us through solutions in Denver.
  - diane 

- MAKING MARRIAGE WORK AFTER RETIREMENT
Christian Science Monitor
Marilyn Gardner
August 30, 2006  

For decades, Mary Louise Floyd dreaded the prospect of retirement, both for
herself and her husband. Her parents' 43-year marriage had fallen apart when
her father retired, leaving her with negative views about the possibilities
for this stage of life.

"My mother was not willing to give over part of her domain and share the
empty nest," says Mrs. Floyd of Atlanta. "She resented his presence."

Floyd was determined to avoid similar challenges in her own marriage after
she and her husband left their careers, he as a corporate attorney, she as a
high school media specialist. Speaking as part of a generation that is
beginning to write new scripts for the later years, she says, "We do not
intend to do it the way our predecessors did."

As the first baby boomers approach retirement, media reports echo with two
recurring themes. One involves the upbeat refrain that this generation will
"reinvent" retirement. A second, more somber topic focuses on finances: Will
they have enough money in their later years?

But few reports talk about the changing domestic arena - what it will mean
for families when a huge generation of dual-career couples must navigate not
just one retirement, as those like Floyd's parents typically did, but two.
Accompanying that challenge are larger social shifts involving caregiving,
housing, and marriage. The combination, sociologists say, will subtly change
the landscape of retirement for many families.

Already, two-income couples whose busy schedules may have turned them into
the proverbial ships passing in the night when they were employed are
finding themselves facing unaccustomed togetherness in their postwork years.

"The question becomes, 'Who is this person I'm married to?' " says Floyd,
author of "Retired With Husband: Superwoman's New Challenge." Noting that
the average couple engages in 20 minutes of conversation a day, she adds
with a laugh, "Now here we are, together 24/7. Marriages have to be
reengineered for this new era that the baby-boom generation is moving into."

That reengineering can include everything from renegotiating household
chores to forming new friendships. "Sometimes it is the men who have not
made as many friends who want to put a leash on their partner," says
Maryanne Vandervelde, who heads the Institute for Couples in Retirement in
Seattle.

When Ron Manheimer, executive director of the NC Center for Creative
Retirement at the University of North Carolina in Asheville, holds seminars
on relationships, he typically finds more men than women in the group. Their
conversation often turns to male friendships, specifically the lack of them.

"A lot of friendships are connected with work life," Mr. Manheimer says.
"Now how are they going to meet men to spend time? They don't have a lot of
experience in meeting peers. I wouldn't be surprised if it's one of the
issues that drives men to go back to work."

Even women, often considered better at maintaining friendships than men, can
find themselves missing connections at work after they leave their jobs.
"She's lost her daily collegial contacts with her women colleagues, with
whom she had rapport," Floyd says. Communication at home thus becomes
increasingly important.

Yet if couples have been "avoiders," ignoring issues, challenges can arise,
says David Arp, co-author, with his wife, Claudia, of "10 Great Dates for
Empty Nesters." "They don't know that bird in the nest with them and are not
sure they want to stay another 25 years."

That prospect of ever-longer marriage may be one reason "gray divorces,"
like that of Floyd's parents, appear to be on the increase. Until 2000,
people over 55 had fewer divorces than the general population, Ms.
Vandervelde says. "Since 2000, it's considerably higher for those over 55."

Vandervelde acknowledges that divorce can be a "viable option" for some
couples. But, she adds, "If you have a 'good-enough' partner, that can be a
real help as you go into the later years."

Beyond marital issues, Nancy Dailey, author of "When Baby Boom Women
Retire," observes other ways in which baby boomers' retirement will differ
significantly from that of their parents. One predominant difference will
involve far more caregiving.

"Baby boomers will join their parents in retirement, whereas our parents
entered retirement with their parents already passed away," Dr. Dailey says.
"The young-old are taking care of the old-old. Many baby boomers also have
lots of siblings. If you're not taking care of a parent, you may be caring
for a sibling."

Among those with several generations to consider as they plan retirement are
Callie and Dave Willendorf of Cary, Ill. When he retires as a sales manager
in three years, they will still have a child in college. Both also have a
parent and a stepparent. Those family connections played a part in their
decision to move to Asheville. "We couldn't move to California," Mrs.
Willendorf says. "We knew we had to be within a relative distance of our
families."

Many retirees also have grandchildren who need care. "In our parents'
generation it was totally OK to say 'I'm done,' " Dailey says. "I don't
think that luxury is around anymore. The family system has become much more
interdependent because of the economics. To maintain a middle-class
lifestyle, you need two incomes. You need an extended family to help with
that."

Other retirees have adult children not yet launched from the nest or
boomeranging back into it.

All of these responsibilities can have profound effects on how baby boomers
spend their time after leaving the workforce. Dailey believes the popular
vision of retirement - "I'm going to move to the house on the golf course
and do whatever I want and have a life of leisure" - will fade quickly as
baby boomers accept the reality of helping with elder care or child care.

"Retirement as we know it is gone for many people," she says. "Men will be
involved in this, too. You'll see baby-boom men taking a pretty active role
in grandparenting." Because these men will live longer than their fathers,
they will make many more contributions to their family relations.

Even housing will change the contours of family life in the later years.
Dailey sees living arrangements as the real difference in retirement between
baby boomers and their parents.

"The World War II generation had the luxury of saying, 'I'm going to stay in
my home until I die,' " she says. "Because baby boomers have used their
homes to finance a lifestyle, their home is their biggest savings account
right now. They will need that to live in retirement." Varied arrangements
for converting a house into a stream of income include reverse mortgages and
the transfer of homes among generations.

Divorced women will devise other cooperative living arrangements with family
members to stretch their income, Dailey says. They might spend a year with
one child, a year with another child, or time with a sister or brother.

Floyd expects baby-boom women - the "superwomen" who have artfully balanced
work and home - to be the "reengineering force" helping their generation
move into a productive "second adulthood."

As if to illustrate her point, Manheimer notes that in his
creative-retirement seminars, men sometimes tell him, "My wife sent me. She
says, 'I know what I'm going to do in retirement. You need to know what
you're doing.' "

Even that may be changing. A new survey by Merrill Lynch suggests that
gender roles will reverse in retirement. Men will be more likely to view
this as a time to enhance their relationships, while women will seek more
community involvement.

For Floyd, that kind of reaching out - serving on the board of Keep Atlanta
Beautiful, registering voters, heading her garden club - has helped to
change her earlier negative feelings about retirement. She and her husband
keep three calendars to track their activities - a his, hers, and ours
approach to scheduling.

For some couples, a break from togetherness includes solo travel. This week
Cheryl Disque, a retired special agent for the FBI, is on a safari in
Africa. Her husband remains at home in Colorado Springs, Colo. Trips like
this feed her "spirit of adventure," she says. They also offer a change of
pace from domestic duties - "preparing meals, doing all the dishes, and
doing most of the cleaning."

Reengineering can even change stereotypical roles at home. Referring to
lunch, that subject of wry humor and mild annoyance among retired wives,
Floyd suggests that husbands make their own. "It's empowerment," she says
firmly.

Lunch is, in fact, a cliché for a larger issue, says Denise Snodgrass,
assistant director of the NC Center for Creative Retirement. "We have our
own separate lives in retirement - different goals and routines. One of the
key factors of how baby boomers are redefining retirement is taking more
control. That's the goal they're looking for."

To Floyd, that goal will help to eliminate what she calls the glass ceiling
of retirement - the limited view that causes individuals or couples to
settle for predictable routines that may not be satisfying. "People say, 'Oh
well, now we'll retire to the golf course.' There should be life beyond the
9th hole. We need to use this second adulthood as an opportunity to find our
creativity and share it."

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