Judge Sears Marriage Editorial/ Save your marriage - 10/30/06

[Smartmarriages]

- A CASE FOR STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE
- WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE? IGNORE YOUR CHILDREN!

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- A CASE FOR STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE

The writer, the chief justice of the supreme court of Georgia, presented an
opening keynote address at the 10th annual Smart Marriages conference in
June, and then, with her staff, stayed and attended the conference. This
editorial is prominently featured in today's Washington Post.  - diane
 
 
A Case for Strengthening Marriage
By Leah Ward Sears
Monday, October 30, 2006; A17

For the first time in history, less than half of U.S. households are headed
by married couples. And on Sept. 29, the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention released data showing that almost 36 percent of all births are
the result of unmarried childbearing, the highest percentage ever recorded.

In family law, as in the rest of American society, there is an intensifying
debate about how we should respond to this kind of news. Should law and
society actively seek new ways to support marriage? Or should family law
strive to be marriage-neutral by providing more rights and benefits to its
alternatives, such as cohabitation and single parenthood?

Some family law experts argue that our most pressing need is to find ways to
equally support a wide variety of family forms. For example, the respected
American Law Institute, an organization of judges, lawyers and legal
scholars that periodically drafts model laws and other proposals for legal
reform, has proposed a new set of laws that promotes this "family diversity
model." In "Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution," some ALI scholars
argue that family law should focus less on trying to channel people into
marriage and more on being "fair" to people in different relationships -- in
other words, that it should take families as it finds them.

I am not a law professor. But from where I sit as chief justice of the
Supreme Court of Georgia, a family law that fails to encourage marriage
ignores the fact that marriage has long been associated with an impressively
broad array of positive outcomes for children and adults alike. Experts who
contend that we need to move "beyond marriage" say they are only responding
to the facts. But here is one major fact: High rates of family fragmentation
hurt children.

For example, studies have consistently shown that children raised outside
marriage suffer disproportionately from physical and mental illness; are
more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs or alcohol, and engage in
violence or suffer it in their homes; and are less likely to attend college.
Child Trends, a nonpartisan research organization summed up the evidence in
2002: "Children in single-parent families, children born to unmarried
mothers, and children in step-families or cohabiting relationships face
higher risks of poor outcomes."

Of course, many hard-working single parents do an excellent job of raising
children, and they need our support, too. But I believe that building a
healthy marriage culture in America is a legitimate concern for family law.

I am not alone. For example, "Reconceiving the Family," a new book published
by Cambridge University Press critiquing the ALI's "principles," has
contributions from 27 family law scholars, including two other state supreme
court chief justices. The Institute for American Values recently published a
statement, signed by many legal and family scholars, that concluded that "a
prime goal of family law should be to identify new ways to support marriage
as a social institution so that each year more children are protected by
being raised within the marital unions of their parents." Moreover, the
supreme court in my state just established a Commission on Children,
Marriage and Family Law with an important goal: to find ways to reduce
unnecessary divorce and unmarried childbearing.

Why are state judges such as myself so concerned about strengthening
marriage? Start with the basics: Fragmenting families are flooding our court
dockets. Since I became a trial judge in 1989, the percentage of domestic
relations cases has risen sharply; they now account for 65 percent of all
cases in Georgia at the Superior Court level. Last year more than 14,000
children were in the care of the Georgia Division of Family and Children
Services, and nearly 24,000 were admitted to a youth detention center. One
out of every four Georgia children under 18 has a case with the Office of
Child Support Enforcement.

These figures are typical of what is happening in every state. For judges,
they represent a difficult workload. For families, they represent an
astonishing level of necessary but intrusive government oversight. For
government, they represent a mountain of resources that could be used for
other purposes. For children, they are a tragedy.

As a judge I am often frustrated that I must work within a system designed
only to pick up the pieces after families have already fallen apart or
failed to come together. We must work to prevent family fragmentation,
because the consequences for children and society are severe.

If we look for solutions, we will find them. What we do not yet know how to
accomplish, we can learn. Americans believe that problems, no matter how
difficult, should be addressed and not merely endured. Whether it is racism,
crime or poverty, Americans believe that we can find ways to make a
difference. Accepting the decline of marriage as inevitable means giving up
on far too many of our children. They deserve better than that.

The writer is chief justice of the Supreme Court of Georgia.

© 2006 The Washington Post Company
 

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- WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE? IGNORE YOUR CHILDREN!
> Research and Public Opinion from the UK-based Liz & Dave Percival Weekly
Marriage News Update at <http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/>
> 
> ·         Want to save your marriage? Ignore your children!
> Last week was something of a record for me. I was propositioned by three
> married men, two of whom knew I was married, says Tess Simpson in the Daily
> Mail 
> <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=41266
> 9&amp;in_page_id=1879> .  In itself, this isn't particularly remarkable - not
> because I'm a sex siren, I hasten to add, but because I've just finished a
> novel about adultery. Quite a few husbands seem to think this means I'm
> willing for truth to emulate fiction. But what made last week so noteworthy
> was that all three potential philanderers gave the same reason for wanting to
> cheat on their wives. "She's so wrapped up in the children," one explained.
> "She never has any time for me these days. Our sex life has more or less
> evaporated. What with her work and the kids, it's like she doesn't even know
> I'm there." 
>  
> The others echoed his complaint. All felt they'd been pushed aside in favour
> of the children, and were angry and resentful about it. A woman's immediate
> response is to dismiss such men as pathetic, and with some justification. But
> just because we don't like how they feel doesn't mean we should ignore it.
>  
> It's no secret that many new fathers feel marginalised and excluded once
> children come along. This usually has nothing to do with how they feel about
> the baby. But all the love and attention that was previously focused on them
> has suddenly been diverted to the squalling, red-faced scrap of flesh in their
> wife's arms. Men aren't used to second place in a woman's affections.
>  
> The harsh reality is that unless women want to suddenly take on the burden of
> parenthood alone, it's time we woke up to what men really want - and that
> isn't having to live in their children's shadow.
>  
> "Utopian romance gets blasted by the realities of family life," says family
> therapist Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity: Sex, Lies & Domestic
> Bliss. "Cultivating the ideal relationship requires care and attention, and
> this competes directly with the "full-contact" parenting many of us embrace.
> "The past few decades have ushered in an emphasis on children's happiness that
> would make our grandparents shudder. "Childhood has been sanctified to such a
> degree that it no longer seems ridiculous for one adult to sacrifice herself
> entirely in order to foster the flawless and painless development of her
> offspring - a 24/7, one-person child-rearing factory."
>  
> A survey last week revealed that - contrary to the myth that modern couples
> and are too busy to bond with their children - these days we all want to be
> 'Superparents' who spend more time with our children than ever before. The
> figures suggested that parents today spend four times as many minutes a day
> with children under 16,  99 minutes compared to 25 in 1975.
>  
> Of course, the knee-jerk reaction is that this is a good thing. But in
> reality, it's just another example of a generation of adults prostrating
> themselves at the altar of their offspring. My two siblings and I grew up in
> no doubt that we were loved, but also that we were of secondary importance in
> the family hierarchy.  My mother made it clear that in our house, my father
> came first. "He's the one I married," she said. "And he's the one I'll still
> be married to, long after you've all grown up and left home."

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