Men, Home-buying and Commitment/Men, Divorce & Success? / Wife's Worth - 10/06

[Smartmarriages]

- HOME-BUYING MAY BE A SIGN OF COMMITMENT
- HMMMMM......THIS ON DIVORCE, INFIDELITY, MEN AND SUCCESS IN FROM THE UK
- WHAT'S A WIFE WORTH?

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- HOME-BUYING MAY BE A SIGN OF COMMITMENT

Ellen James Martin, syndicated columnist
Universal Press Syndicate
Contra Costa Times
Oct 15, 2006

SUPPOSE YOU'RE a young woman who's been dating a man for months. You yearn
to marry him and buy a house together. But he hasn't proposed, and you're
loath to pop the question yourself. You're becoming increasingly anxious
because the lease on your apartment is up for renewal soon, and your
landlord is demanding an answer.

As in this hypothetical case, housing plans often become entangled with
relationship issues, says Neil Chethik, author of "VoiceMale" (Simon &
Schuster, $23), a book that examines men's attitudes on commitment,
marriage, sex and related issues. Chethik's findings are based on in-depth
interviews with 70 men and a survey of another 288.

He says many men find it hard to express their feelings, making it tough for
women to read their plans for a relationship. Yet he contends most men long
for marriage as much as women do -- and sometimes more.

"There's a conventional myth that men are commitment phobic. In fact, they
just commit more slowly than women," according to Chethik.

Traditional women often balk at the idea of posing direct questions to a man
about his intentions for their relationship. But Chethik says this approach
could be your best bet -- especially if your biological clock is ticking and
you want to settle down soon.

Typically, a man who seeks to buy a home with a woman expects to have a
permanent relationship with her, Chethik says. "Though single people do buy
houses nowadays, most people get the urge to settle down and purchase a
property about the same time they're ready for a permanent partner." Here
are several thoughts for women trying to scope out a man's intentions:

Think of home-buying as a litmus test of a relationship. Merrill Ottwein, a
real estate broker and past president of the National Association of
Exclusive Buyer Agents, tells the true story of one client, an executive
secretary who'd been living for months in a rental unit with an Air Force
captain. Both were in their late 20s.

The secretary was eager to become the captain's wife and to buy a house with
him. He agreed to go house-hunting with her. Soon they found a modest but
charming ranch-style property that suited both their tastes and budget.

The couple was on the verge of signing a contract offer for the house when
the man abruptly changed his mind. The situation caused him to think through
his involvement with the woman. He decided he wanted out.

The lesson, of course, is that a possible home purchase can be a
make-or-break element in a relationship that's not already fully defined. If
either party comes down with a case of the jitters, that could be a very
negative signal.

"The secretary was extremely unhappy with the man's decision," Ottwein says.
"But at least she found out his true intentions and could move on with her
life."

Look for behavioral clues to a man's motivations. Chethik says women can
discern a great deal by observing subtle clues.

"Has he invited you to meet his family or taken an interest in visiting your
family? If not, that could be a negative signal," he says.

Also, take note of the way he introduces you to his friends. A man is
usually much more serious about a woman he introduces as his "girlfriend"
than as simply as his "friend," according to Chethik.

Notice hints of a man's intentions in the place where he lives. If you and
your boyfriend maintain separate apartments, you can discern clues about his
views on your future by looking around his apartment.

"Does he have pictures of you on view at all times, or are they sometimes
down when you visit his place? If he is not showing your photos all the
time, he could be keeping his options open with other women he brings to the
apartment," Chethik says.

Observe how a man handles his vacation and holiday plans. "One negative
signpost involves a man who, after spending many months with a woman, is
still making unilateral vacation plans," Chethik says. "Maybe he's also
spontaneously going on long weekend trips with buddies, without consulting
her first."

Men prize their freedom and resist a woman who seems controlling, he says.
Yet a woman who's been dating a man for a long time should expect to be
included in most of his leisure-time plans. If a man is spending all three
of his vacation weeks in Europe without you, how likely is it that he'll
want to marry you and buy a house together?

Consider taking a lead role in moving toward a committed relationship.
Granted, many women still fear scaring the man away if they're too
assertive. But Chethik says most such worries are groundless. His research
indicates that just 20 percent of the men polled believe "the man should be
in charge."

An increasing number of men -- especially younger men -- favor women who are
assertive rather than passive in a relationship, according to Chethik.
Proposing to a man still represents a risk, but it could also mean you move
more quickly to your goals of marriage and homeownership.

Ellen James Martin is a syndicated columnist. E-mail her at
ellenjamesmartin at gmail.com.

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- HMMMMM......THIS ON DIVORCE, INFIDELITY, MEN AND SUCCESS IN FROM THE UK

It may be irresponsible to share this one with the list as I have no idea
about the finding that "bosses who had experienced one divorce were
marginally more successful than those who hadn't" ......Anyone ever heard of
such a study??!  Maybe one of you can find it on Google?  - diane

> Marriages record may bear on business
> Oct 27 2006 
> David Williamson, Western Mail
> 
> Citing findings that bosses who had experienced one divorce were marginally
> more successful than those who hadn't, Jon Moulton warned of the dangers of
> investing in enterprises led by people with a persistent record of infidelity.
> 
> He said, "Whenever I've backed a man who's had three or more marriages I've
> lost every penny...
> 
> "It bears on their behaviour. Presumably, they are ruled by some part of the
> anatomy other than their head.
> 
> "They've certainly got a lot of spare time and they haven't got any need for
> affiliation. If they're prepared to do this to their families, what are they
> prepared to do to a shareholder?"

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- WHAT'S A WIFE WORTH?
Watch an interview of the founder of EQUALITY in Marriage Institute, Lorna
Wendt on Forbes.com.   Only 9 states divide marital property 50/50. On
average, a woman's standard of living falls 45% after divorce.
http://www.forbes.com/video/?video=fvn/business/ab_wendt_money06

And, here for Divorce American Style:
http://www.forbes.com/2006/10/24/pf_estates_102606_divorce_lander.html

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