I'm thinking of having an affair/ Fun is Serious Business/ East Texas scores -10/26/06

[Smartmarriages]

- HONEY, I'M THINKING OF HAVING AN AFFAIR - WALL STREET JRNL
- FUN IN MARRIAGE, SERIOUS BUSINESS
- EAST TEXAS MARRIAGE EDUCATION AWARD FOR $7.5 MILLION
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- HONEY, I'M THINKING OF HAVING AN AFFAIR - WALL STREET JRNL

Today's (10/26/06)  Wall Street Journal's Work and Family column by Sue
Shellenbarger features John Van Epp, Barry McCarthy, and Howard Markman
talking about a new trend to help couples fortify marriages by "heading off
one of the biggest risks in marriage: infidelity.  Instead of waiting until
after spouses stray and then attempting damage control, therapists and
marriage educators are urging couples to build trust upfront. . ."

"Barry McCarthy . . . Gives couples a two-page handout urging them to
identify risk factors for an affair (such as drinking when apart), to agree
to talk before acting on any extramarital desires and, if a partner does
stray, to disclose that within 24 hrs. "It's the coverup that has the most
negative impact," Dr. McCarthy says.

". . . John Van Epp . . . Author of "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk," has
trained 500 Army chaplains and several dozen private therapists in the past
year on how to help people pick trustworthy partners and to build strong
bonds with their mates.

"Much of this work is grounded in "attachment theory," . . .Working on the
knowledge that many people enter marriage with an impaired ability to form
intimate attachments. . . Van Epp uses a "relationship attachment model" - a
graphic tool that looks like a five-dial stereo-system equalizer.  Each
sliding vertical dial symbolizes one of five building blocks of attachment:
knowledge about each other's past and present lives; trust; mutual reliance
on each other; commitment; and sexual intimacy.

"When all five ingredients are present and in balance, Dr Van Epp says,
marriages tend to be strong. Couples are taught to evaluate their
relationships on each of the five dimensions of attachment using a cardboard
model of the tool. 

"The Army has used chaplains trained by Dr Van Epp, the PREP program and
others to instruct 25,000 soldiers in the past year in a marriage-education
program called "Strong Bonds." Mindful of an estimated 60% divorce rate
among military couples, officials aim to help couples sustain trust through
deployments.  

For the full article, you have to get the WSJ on the news stand, it's not
available on-line unless you're a subscriber.  The phones have been jumping
all morning with reporters wanting more info and couples looking for
classes, because the article also quoted me and featured the
www.smartmarriages.com website. Get your programs listed on the Directory!
Drs McCarthy, Markman, and Van Epp will each present several times at the
Denver Smart Marriages Conference. For Conference and Directory info, see
the website.  - diane

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- FUN IN MARRIAGE, SERIOUS BUSINESS

I'm sharing this article because it does a good job explaining not only the
"10 Great Dates" program but also how to implement it as part of your own
Community Marriage Initiative.  A GREAT program being used all across the
country to get couples in the door.  Once they're in the door you can then
introduce them to additional marriage education programs. Dave and Claudia
Arp will present 10 Great Dates and their Empty Nesters/Second Half of
Marriages programs at the Denver Smart Marriages conference - both
teach-out-of-the-box, both so affordable and easy to implement.  - diane

> Diane, This article promotes our upcoming 10 Great Dates community initiative
> launch in Duvall, WA (outskirts of Seattle) November 4th.
> 
> Have a wonderful story I want to share: last week we led a 10 Great Dates
> Seminar in Albuquerque and had our oldest participant ever - a 91 year old
> husband (came with his walker!). Said he had never attended a marriage
> seminar and didn't think he could sit that long but he did great. They sat
> on the front row and it was fun to watch him and his wife (30 years younger)
> work on their "Declaration of Intention" and make plans for the future of
> their marriage. May we all still be going strong at 91!
> 
> Claudia Arp
> www.marriagealive.com


Fun in Marriage is Serious Business: David & Claudia Arp visit the Valley to
Kick-off 10 Great Dates
The River Currant 
Oct 19, 2006 
By Brianna Grant

Picture this: You and your spouse are out for a cup of coffee and a decadent
dessert on a Friday night while your kids are off having their own fun.
Together the two of you take a trip down memory lane, remembering how you
met and dates you had in those wonder days of courtship and early marriage.
Worries from the week melt away and you find yourself engaged in a
meaningful conversation with the person you generally only have time to wave
to each morning and night. You discover that the two of you DO actually have
things in common and that you still enjoy one another's company!

How is it possible that you found a babysitter so you could be alone on a
Friday night? That's just a dream, right?

David and Claudia Arp, internationally known marriage educators, designed
the program 10 Great Dates to make the above scenario a reality for couples
(see www.marriagealive.com). They aim to help couples in all stages of
marriage return to having fun conversations with one another. Through a
series of ten dates couples build marital skills and rekindle the positive
energy that gets drained with the stresses of day-to-day living. "Over time,
fun starts to slip away in a marriage. It just doesn't happen unless you are
intentional about it," explains David Arp.

Implemented by counselors, church congregations, military communities, and
non-profit organizations such as Families 203, it was initially started in
1997 and has spread to countless communities across the country through
positive press and word of mouth. Some communities, such as Sioux Falls, SD
have come to repeat the event every year," the Arps share. They will kick
off the 10 Great Dates program in the Valley on Saturday night, November 4th
for Families 203 with a fun overview of the program. Follow-up date nights
will be held on Friday or Saturday nights in both Carnation and Duvall, WA
as listed on the Families 203 website: www.families203.org.

The dates are spread out over several months, allowing couples to really
make the time for their relationship and process their experiences. Each
date begins with a short ten to fifteen minute video date launch. In the
video the Arps present the theme for that particular date and provide
examples of the theme in action. From there, each couple sets out on their
own "great date", actually going OUT together for about an hour or so to
talk through the carefully crafted and positive questions provided in the 10
Great Dates book. These purposeful dates are designed to help partners learn
to communicate better, appreciate their differences, encourage each other,
improve their love life, and more.

"Initially there are a few 'dragees' attending the program with their
spouses. Usually the wife offers encouragement and urges the husband to
participate for the first two dates, but by the third it is the husband
leading the charge to attend! They find the program to be fun and get
brownie points with their spouse for taking the time to work on their
relationship," David says. Claudia adds, "Men will come! The "guilt free
dates" summary in the back of each chapter is an added incentive for those
who are reluctant to read an entire chapter's worth of material before a
date night." 

David & Claudia explain the importance of parents having strong marital
relationships, "Young children put pressure on relationships. How do you
keep emotional connectedness in the midst of it? You have actual
communication skills you can use!"

"Preschoolers and teenagers, especially, are the greatest stressors in a
marriage," elaborates Cindy Potter, Families 203 Co-director, and mother of
four. "10 Great Dates provides couples with the opportunity to step away
from their roles as parents to examine their roles as partners for one
another. The dates help couples recapture their interest in one another and
put some fun back into their marriage."

Removing the stress of locating and hiring a babysitter for each session,
Families 203 is providing childcare for a small cost. Couples can relax and
enjoy uninterrupted conversation on their off-site date knowing that their
children are having their own fun playing games and doing activities with
their own peers. And, they won't have to drive the sitter home at the end of
the night! See http://www.families203.org/  for more
program, ticket sale, and childcare information, or call 425.844.8123, or
email info at families203.org.

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- EAST TEXAS MARRIAGE EDUCATION AWARD FOR $7.5 MILLION

Empowering marriages, promoting families
East Texas Review
Oct 26, 2006
by Joycelyne FadojutimI

Justin, wife Tonya Waite, program directors, Longview Wellness Center;
Pastor Ralph Caraway Sr., St. Louis Baptist Church; and Paula Battee
prevention director, Longview Wellness Center

Marriages are meant to last forever. However, gone are the days when
marriage vows are respected and commitments kept. No need flogging the issue
because several factors affect marriage that sometimes lead to divorce.

The effects of divorce/ broken homes or even those of absent fathers and
sometimes parents who work all the time cannot be overemphasized.

To this effect, the United States Department of Health and Human Services,
(HHS) and Administration for Children and Families (ACF) recently announced
$118, 644,219 in grant awards to 225 grantees to promote healthy marriage
and responsible fatherhood.

Grant funds may be used for marriage education, marriage skills training,
public advertising campaigns, high school education on the value of marriage
and marriage mentoring programs; promote responsible fatherhood through
counseling, mentoring, marriage education, enhancing relationships skills,
parenting and activities to foster economic stability.

According to Program Director Tonya Waite, Longview Wellness Center wrote 3
grants ­a small, medium and large grant. They were hoping to get at least
the small one while praying and hoping to get some form of grant to help
East Texans with their marriages. When U.S. Senator John Cornyn¹s office
called to inform them of the greatest news of the year - winning this grant,
she said, ³I did not quite believe it. So they faxed us the information.²
Waite, a soon to be mother of two almost passed out. Yes, they have been
awarded the largest grant in Texas ­ $1.5 million every year for the next 5
years to a grand total of $7.5 million in grant monies.

How could they have won this grant amidst 15,000 applicants nationwide?
Waite said, ³I really think it is because of our strong community
partnerships with area agencies. Yes, they have strong partnerships because
this grant is all encompassing. The following agencies will participate in
making Healthy Marriage Program, a resounding success: Parent Resource of
Longview; Parent Anonymous of Tyler, Women Center of East Texas in Longview,
Kilgore Crisis Center and East Texas Crisis Center in Tyler.

Churches who are partners include: East Cotton Church of Christ in Longview,
St Louis Baptist Church in Tyler, Bethel Temple of Longview and Vida
Abundante in Longview.

The VOW ­ Healthy Marriage Program, is an innovative interactive program
that will help build healthy marriages in an eight county region with a
total population of 480,000 in the Northeast region.

According to Longview Wellness Center, this project will provide:
- Marriage education through the VOW media campaigns
- A high school and college student education module
- Implant the Prepare/Enrich
marriage program
- Enriched weekends with activities centered on marriage
- Mentor high-risk couples
- Work with four minority organizations with community influence
and strong backgrounds in
community involvement
- Disseminate follow-up support information among other things.
For more information please call 903.758.2762

For article, with photo of award recipients:
http://www.easttexasreview.com/story.htm?StoryID=3972

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Diane Sollee, Director
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