Student Penalties/Expectations & Infidelity/Humor/Smart Girls/Man to Man - 10/20/06

[Smartmarriages]

- BENEFITS AND PENALTIES OF MARRIAGE FOR STUDENTS
- SOCIETAL FACTORS AND INFIDELITY
- COMMUNICATION HUMOR
- SMART GIRL TALKBACK
- FROM MAN-SHEDS TO MAN-CATIONS

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- BENEFITS AND PENALTIES OF MARRIAGE FOR STUDENTS

Diane, I have a friend in grad school who is cohabiting.  If they were to
marry he'd lose his financial aid because she works (albeit in a lower
paying job).  The government has a huge stake in its citizens seeking higher
education and provides lots of loan opportunities.  Why should those who are
married be unable to attain those great student loans?  The government also
wants people to get married.  What's wrong with this picture?
Elizabeth

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- SOCIETAL FACTORS AND INFIDELITY

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amish
couple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed
that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of "The Monogamy Myth"
in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of
individuals or particular marriages to recognize that "societal factors"
also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society...
which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as
well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: "What happens if you get tired of each other?
What if you say, 'I don't want to be married to you anymore?'"

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce.
You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be."

Oprah: "Is there any adultery?"

Amish: "No, not that I know of."

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all:
"We're really happy. We have 100% contentment."

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be
impossible, but their lives provide hope that it's possible to change the
larger society's attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
peggy at dearpeggy.com
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Peggy and James Vaughan will present at the Denver Smart Marriages
Conference. 

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- COMMUNICATION HUMOR
Diane, 
Maybe we could all use some marriage humor about now.
Tammy 

> A couple decided on a mid-winter trip to Florida to thaw out. They planned to
> stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
> Because both had jobs, they found it difficult to coordinate their travel. So
> it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his
> wife would follow the next day.
>    
> Upon arriving, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a
> computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail. However, he accidentally
> left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his
> mistake. 
>    
> In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly
> departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart
> attack. She checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
> Upon reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room,
> found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>    
>  To: My Loving Wife
>  Subject: I've Arrived
>    
> You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now. I've
> just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
> arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you! Hope your journey is as
> uneventful as mine was.
>  P.S. Sure is hot down here!

##########################
- SMART GIRL TALKBACK

> Diane, Interesting article "Do Smart Girls Finish Last in Love"
> http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2006-October/003177.html, but
> the authors are making a crazy assumption that all the smart kids are going to
> be produced by these highly-ambitious career women.  I think common-sense
> tells us this is not necessarily true.  They need not be concerned about this
> "worrisome" trend - I know I am certainly not worried!  I know plenty of very
> smart and highly-educated women (including myself, my mother and 3 sisters,
> and countless friends, many of us who have masters degrees or at least
> bachelor's degrees from highly-regarded colleges at the minimum) who are
> either stay-at-home mothers, part-timers, teachers, etc., and aren't
> highly-ambitious career women in the corporate world.  Most of us married in
> our 20s within a few years of graduating from college and are producing
> extremely bright children who give me faith in the next generation (I alone
> have 5, all of whom are considered among the brightest in their classes).
> I've moved around a lot and know that this is not unique to where I live.
> Smart girls definitely do NOT finish last in love, and I agree with that and
> have long known that, but there were some strange assumptions in this article!
> - Mary Kornick
> 
############################
This one reminds me of the MANY conference submissions on "how to attract
men to attend marriage workshops".....diane

- FROM MAN-SHEDS TO MAN-CATIONS: MALE FRIENDSHIP IS GETTING A LOT MORE
ATTENTION THESE DAYS
Ann Marie McQueen
Sun Media
October 18, 2006  

> Joe Mansfield, a Littleton, Mass., therapist who has counselled more than
> 1,000 men, says having meaningful friendships helps men learn how to relax and
> be themselves, something that can only be good for their marriages.
> 
> "One of the major sadnesses in our country is when marriages fall apart," he
> says. "A good reason for that is men not knowing how to be human with their
> wives." . . .

> . . . Ottawa's Paul Delaney, 56, has always made time for his buddies.
> 
> Marriages - in Delaney's case, two of them - come and go. But male
> friendships, no matter what you call them, he can count on.


"I'm sorry I missed your call," says Jason Parry, "I was at Home Depot
picking up supplies for the manshed."

Parry, 37, a married father of two, has been spending a lot of time on his
pet project.

His dilapidated, detached Ottawa garage now boasts an Astroturf-covered wood
floor, eBay procured poker table, 36-inch TV, computer, DVD player and X-Box
- all powered by cables run underground from the house.

A bar fridge is on order. And almost weekly, Parry's buddies gather there to
while away the night.

Parry's "man-shed" is just the latest example of made-up manlingo. It may
have started more than a year ago, when first London and then New York media
christened non-gay male get-togethers the "man-date." Perhaps you've heard
of a "man-crush?" Noticed elite athletes redefining the meaning of
"man-love" after scoring on the field or the ice?

Last month Washington Post writer Frank Ahrens coined the term
"male-lationship" to describe the unique bond on ABC's Boston Legal between
Denny Crane and Alan Shore, played by William Shatner and James Spader.

REAL CHANGE AFOOT?

Most recently it's been the travel trend toward "man-cations." And judging
from leaked pictures off the set of biker-dad flick Wild Hogs, William H.
Macy, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen might be poised to
takemale-bonding to a new "mannaked" level.

What, exactly, is happening to male friendship? Is the media just making up
a bunch of fun words, or is real change afoot?

Jesse Bradford, a 27-year-old Los Angeles actor who stars in Clint
Eastwood's new movie Flags of Our Fathers, has a group of friends who are
like brothers to him.

"I know this: We don't throw around terms like that," says Bradford.

"But if we all get the chance to get together at the same time, we try to
make a real thing out of it. We try to really turn it into a fiasco, and
have it be a real celebration of the fact we get to spend time together."

Toronto Argonaut David Azzi, 25, says it's almost instinctive for his
teammates' to "slap each other on the a--" by way of congratulations on the
field when they would never consider doing so off the field.

Equally second nature is the tight group of friends he's had since high
school in Ottawa.

"Pretty much when I come back, nothing changes, I haven't missed a beat," he
says. "That's what I love."

Azzi says his friends never worry whether anyone will think they're gay if a
few of them meet for dinner - one of the elements driving the "man-date"
articles.

"Me and my friends are pretty affectionate," he says. "We don't care."

Leading trendspotter Marian Salzman says there is a change going on,
something she and her co-authors forecast in their 2005 book The Future of
Men.

"Guys are getting comfortable with hanging out and spending time with each
other," she says. "If it's not a sporting event, then there are new rules."

Ottawa's Paul Delaney, 56, has always made time for his buddies.

Marriages - in Delaney's case, two of them - come and go. But male
friendships, no matter what you call them, he can count on.

'DYNAMIC, EVOLVING'

"All of these things are, for guys like me, a term of reference we certainly
didn't invent - they are put on us by someone else," Delaney explains. "But
the reality is men have special relationships. They're dynamic, they're
evolving."

As Delaney sees it, men have more free time to hang out with each other
these days, and more cash to spend because they aren't as preoccupied with
being breadwinners.

Also, with women now an integral and welcome part of the workplace, he says,
"we gotta be boys somewhere else."

Joe Mansfield, a Littleton, Mass., therapist who has counselled more than
1,000 men, says having meaningful friendships helps men learn how to relax
and be themselves, something that can only be good for their marriages.

"One of the major sadnesses in our country is when marriages fall apart," he
says. "A good reason for that is men not knowing how to be human with their
wives."

Man-shed aside, Parry says he has been spending more time lately planning
golf trips and getaways with his buddies, and sees it as a stage of life
he's growing into.

"All of a sudden," he says, "the one thing that is missing is the buddy
relationships you had 10 years ago that were the most important things on
the planet before the wife and the kids came along."

For the full article:
http://www.calgarysun.com/cgi-bin/publish.cgi?p=158819&x=articles&s=lifestyl
e

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