Monogamy and Commitment upticks/and, downers - 10/16/06

[Smartmarriages]

- MONDAY, MONDAY....
- A RETURN TO COMMITMENT
- MARRIAGE AND MONOGAMY
- A GOOD MARRIAGE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FLASHY, EXPENSIVE WEDDING
- TODAY' HOST LAUER AND PREGNANT WIFE SPLIT
- KATE MOSS' MARRIAGE RULES FOR FIANCÉ

############################
- MONDAY, MONDAY....
I bet the uptick in marriage news out of Los Angeles (Hollywood of all
places!) could mean newspapers all across the country would welcome an op ed
piece like this one, below.  Get busy and write a commentary for your local
paper! 

I also wonder how the various California Community Marriage Initiatives feel
about this "uptick".  I certainly give them credit.  For the original
article, "Marriage Rise Bucks National Trend" see:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2006-October/003167.html

Or, you might be inspired by the essay below on the coming frenzy of brides
to wed on 07-07-07 - lucky sevens.  Maybe write about what they can do to
actually learn some skills and improve their odds - it's not about luck.

Whatever you write, send anything that gets published to the list for
sharing. 

These articles were a nice way to start off on Monday morning....
- diane 
###########################
-A RETURN TO COMMITMENT
Pasadena Star News 
10/15/2006 

A recent front-page story noted that marriage is up in Los Angeles County.
Up, while the marriage rate continues its downward trend across the country.

According to last week's story by staff writer Troy Anderson, marriages per
1,000women ages 15 and older fell to 40.8 nationwide in 2005.

That's a long way from 76.5 posted in 1970,

However, in recent county tallies, the numbers are flipped. Issued marriage
licenses jumped to 59,664 in 2005 from 56,282 in 2002.

Demographers and social scientists may be scratching their heads and casting
about for whys but we're applauding.

Don't get us wrong - we're not against the single life, but we think the
increase in marriages signals a return to commitment.

For years, the trend has been toward couples co-habitating and shunning that
big step that signals that they are ready for a long-term relationship not
easily cast off and perhaps all that generally goes along with it - career,
home ownership and children.

Also, there's no arguing that monogamous relationships deter the spread of
sexually transmitted diseases, and that goes for all two-person
relationships across the board, regardless of sexual orientation.

After decades of telling young people that they don't need that "piece of
paper," an uptick in marriages also signals a welcome sea-change in young
adults.

If they're saying they crave accountability in relationships, then think of
how that desire translates across the board.

We need those people with integrity, ethics and bedrock commitment running
our boardrooms, our schoolrooms and our nation.

Perhaps we're seeing the end of the Enron, take all you can get and don't
look back generation. Commitment to something or someone is a very good sign
that, if not America, at least Angelenos are ready to get back to the values
that made this nation great.

Congratulations to us all.

####################################
- MARRIAGE AND MONOGAMY

> Hi Diane, 
> 
> This is a perfectly beautiful statement on marriage from Warren Beatty
> in the NY Times Oct 1 Magazine:
> 
> Interviewer: "For so long you were the poster boy for American
> bachelorhood.  Now that you've settled into a marriage, do you find
> monogamy difficult?"
> 
> Beatty: "No.  I would imagine that marriage without it is difficult."
> 
>Dr. Linda Young 

Thanks, Linda.  This one is certainly good enough to add to our Marriage
Quotes page.  I'll put it in the "infidelity/monogamy" section.  Maybe some
of these quotes will help you with your op ed commentaries.  - diane

> ****************
> Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
> Frank Pittman
> ****************
> Men don't screw around because of dissatisfaction with their marriage but
> because
> their dysfunctional relationship with their father didn't leave them feeling
> "man enough".
> Frank Pittman
> ****************
> I'm tempted to go to all the buildings downtown and put up a sign, "DANGER
> ZONE: Men and Women at Work."  Today's workplace is the most common breeding
> ground
> for affairs.  It's the proximity and collegiality - the intimacy of working
> together,
> not bad marriages, that is the slippery slope to infidelity.
> Shirley Glass, NOT Just Friends
> ****************
> Monogamy is, most appealingly, an energy-saving device which prevents you
> wasting time and effort on hunting new prey, deceiving a partner or curing a
> broken heart or bruised ego.
> 
> Preserve trust in this essential area of your life and you can reap tremendous
> rewards: the 100 per cent devotion of another human being fuels your ambition,
> supports you in your mission and helps you to overcome obstacles.
> 
> Monogamy has much to offer. We should trumpet its benefits far more loudly in
> sex-education classes and teen magazines. The chastity pledge 'Just say no'
> has failed to catch on; 'Just with you' should be an easier sell.
> Cristina Odone, The Observer
> ****************
> Think about it: If a man and woman each have sex with 100 people, the woman
> can
> have one child, the man 100.  The leading cause of spousal/partner homicide:
> jealous
> men killing their wives.  Across all cultures, the #1 quality in a woman for a
> man is faithfulness.
> David Buss, The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love or Sex
> ****************
> New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived
> love is the tenderest thing known on earth.
> Thomas Hardy

For more quotes (lots more!) visit:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.quotes.html

#####################################
- A GOOD MARRIAGE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FLASHY, EXPENSIVE WEDDING
Rochester Democrat and Chronicle
October 16, 2006 
Jillian J. Stankewich
Guest essayist

One young woman cited in the Oct. 4 article "Next year's 07-07-07 sets off
frenzy to wed" had already booked her wedding reception when she "didn't yet
have a ring ‹ or, technically, a proposal ‹ from her boyfriend." The story
said this "didn't strike her as odd."

Well gee, it strikes ME as odd.

She didn't have a ring or a proposal from her boyfriend, but she books a
reception? I'm not trying to be insensitive here because he was a soldier in
Iraq. But come on. You have to love the line "Yes, he knows there's a step
to be taken." What if he doesn't want to marry her? What if he doesn't want
to get married next July? What if he doesn't want to have his reception
there?

Between the Cinderella weddings on A Wedding Story to crazy brides on
Bridezilla, this whole culture's idea of weddings is driving me insane. Now
don't get me wrong ‹ I'm not against marriage. I'm not being a bitter,
scorned woman here, or even saying marriage is pointless. I believe in
marriage, and hope that I will marry someday. But the whole business of
elaborate weddings baffles me. One friend of mine told me about a bridal
shower that was supposed to have 200 guests ‹ at the shower, not even the
wedding!

Aren't these people missing the point? Maybe every little girl dreams of her
wedding, but I don't. The only thing I dream about is being with someone I
love, not showing off for 300 of our "closest" relatives and friends. I'd
rather be that cute little old couple 60 years from now than divorced just
because I jumped too quick, being all excited about diamonds and dresses.

I don't understand women today, rushing to get married, wanting just a
wedding so bad so they can be a "princess" for a day. I feel like women's
lib has been so harmed by the last two generations of young women. Why would
you pressure someone to marry you anyway?

Another thing that gets me is TheKnot.com, where the woman has set up her
entire page of where she wants to get married, what songs, registry, etc.,
and there's no man. So it says "Shelia and ???" So you've planned out your
entire wedding, knowing exactly what you want, but not who you're marrying?
Basically, you're saying just "insert any man here" and that's the marriage
you want? Till death do you part? Shouldn't it be something you plan
together, and customized for your relationship with that person? It's like
when I see those photos in the wedding announcement section of the
newspaper, and every once in a while you have a picture of just the bride,
instead of the couple. So her husband didn't even matter enough to be in
their wedding announcement, more just "hooray I'm married ... to
what's-his-face ... but, whatever, look at me!"

I do know women who have had spectacular weddings, married young, had their
Cinderella time, and are still happily married. But I watch a little girl
playing "wedding" constantly, watching her parents' wedding video and A
Wedding Story with her mother repeatedly, and always talking about brides
and dresses and weddings ... and I just want to buy her some Ani DiFranco
CDs and women's lib books.

Maybe I'm just wondering where the LOVE is in some of these lavish
spectacles. As for me, I'll send you a postcard from Vegas someday.

((Hmmmmm....I might call getting married in Vegas an overcorrection.  We
should send Jillian a copy of Doherty's "The First Dance" to show that
weddings aren't the villain and can be done in a way that establishes a
foundation for a long-lasting, happy marriage - the marriage of her dreams.
This session and program are GREAT gifts for any bride and groom to be - and
to their parents.  They should get the program as early in the engagement
process as possible.  Order on DVD, CD or as a download at 800-241-7785 or
at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> #756-601
> The First Dance/Take Back Your Wedding
> Bill Doherty, PhD, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas
> Teach a program to help engaged couples, in the face of complex & sometimes
> conflicted couple & family dynamics, plan a strong, ³family-systems² based
> wedding that will lay a solid foundation for life-long marriage.

##############################
Of course, there is reality to bring us back to earth.  It was hard to watch
the Today Show this Monday morning having read this news last week.  At
least Al Roker and Meridith Viera are both in long first marriages. Who
knows?, maybe they'll help Matt Lauer come to his senses.  "Friends don't
let friends get divorced."  - diane

 - TODAY' HOST LAUER AND PREGNANT WIFE SPLIT
> The Daily Dish, Oct 5, 2006
> "Today" show host Matt Lauer and his wife of seven years, Annette, have
> officially separated.
> 
> Lauer, 48, and his wife reportedly split in April, only to reconcile a short
> time later.
> 
> A source tells Star magazine, "They were trying to work things out."
> 
> The Dutch-born model, who is currently pregnant with the couple's third child,
> filed for divorce on September 13 in Manhattan Supreme Court. The couple have
> a son, Jack, 5, and a daughter, Romy, 3.
> 
> The source adds, "It's a pretty clean divorce -- no fights, no custody
> disputes. They are following the pre-nup -- no extreme demands or dramatic
> charges.
> 
> "Everyone's gone to great lengths to keep everything private."

###############################
- KATE MOSS' MARRIAGE RULES FOR FIANCÉ
> 
> ShowBiz News (UK)
> 16th October 2006, 12:27
> LIFE STYLE EXTRA (UK) - Kate Moss has given fiancé Pete Doherty a list of six
> rules which he must obey or she will call off their alleged wedding.
> 
> The 32-year-oView the profile for Pete Doherty on Celebrity Spotlightld
> supermodel is calling the rules 'Kate's Commandments' and insists the junkie
> rocker must stop taking drugs, end contact with his 'loser' friends and call
> her at least thee times a day.
> 
> Pete, 27, must also stop flirting with his groupies if he wants to make Kate
> his bride, start eating properly and spend two hours every day writing poetry
> and music.
> 
> A source said: "Pete is prone to going AWOL. Kate has warned Pete that if he
> doesn't comply, their relationship is off."
> 
> It is also alleged that the couple had a blazing row last week after Kate saw
> the Babyshambles singer flirting with a French woman at popular London concert
> venue, Brixton Academy.
> 
> The soView the profile for Kate Moss on Celebrity Spotlighturce is quoted by
> Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying: "They were screaming at each other
> the whole night.
> 
> "Kate knows he loves her but he's a free spirit and there's no holding him
> down. He hates it when she gets jealous. She gets really wound up by him
> getting into intellectual conversations with arty young women who idolise him
> as a poet."
> 
> Kate and Pete are apparently planning to marry in Ibiza on her 33rd birthday
> in January next year.
> 
> She agreed to marry the rocker after he checked into The Priory rehab centre
> to battle his addictions to crack cocaine and heroin.
> 
> Since leaving rehab Pete has managed to stay clean.

Shall we start a collection to send John Van Epp over for an emergency
consult?  Or, at the very least someone should send her the "How to Avoid
Marrying a Jerk" kit.  She'd learn a bit about how current behavior predicts
future behavior and how to pace her attachment.

> 805 - download $9.95 at http://iplaybacksmartmarriages.com (800-241-7785)
> How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk - MINI
> John Van Epp, PhD
> Great marriages begin long before the wedding. Learn what singles (and
> parents) should know about the 5 keys to successful mate-selection, and how to
> avoid the "love is blind" attachment-syndrome. Singles, or single again.

**************************
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