Af Am Teleconf/Exceptional Marriages/Lessons Learned/ Mid East - 11/12/06

Tue Nov 14 13:44:05 EST 2006

- AFRICAN AMERICAN MARRIAGE MOVEMENT TELECONFERENCE: NOV 21
- EXCEPTIONAL MARRIAGES FOR NORMAL PEOPLE
- THE HUMANE TREATMENT OF DOGS AND KIDS
- LESSONS LEARNED: INFLUENCE OF CELEBRITY DIVORCE IS MORE PRENUPS?
- LESSON FROM THE MID-EAST ON UTILIZING INTERNET FOR MARRIAGE STRENGTHENING

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- AFRICAN AMERICAN MARRIAGE MOVEMENT TELECONFERENCE: NOV 21
The Green Foundation is sponsoring another African American Marriage
Movement teleconference call Tues, Nov 21 @ 6:30pm PST; phone number
402-756-9100; code: 986873
Topic: "Faith and Community Connecting for a Greater Work" featuring Dr.
George Young (Pastor, Oklahoma) FBO and Ernesta Wright, Executive Director
(California) CBO

Please RSVP if you plan to join the call to:
thegreenfoundation3 at yahoo.com  (thegreenfoundation "at" yahoo.com
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- EXCEPTIONAL MARRIAGES FOR NORMAL PEOPLE
MercatorNet.com
By Greg Popcak   
November 9, 2006

((Greg Popcak is certainly quotable and offers useful advice and analysis.
Sounds like a natural born member of the Smart Marriages coalition. Anyone
familiar w/ his work? Let me know.  - diane ))

There are many happily married people around and the world needs to hear
from them, says a well-known radio host.

Dr Greg Popcak's enthusiasm for marriage leaps off the pages of his website.
The American family counsellor and popular Heart, Mind and Strength radio
host insists that even today, when there seems to be so much against it, a
couple can live happily ever after together. But it takes work. If it's
comfort you want, he says, "don't get a marriage license, buy a
Barcalounger." In this interview with MercatorNet, he talks about how to
attract young people to marriage, the blessings of parenthood and what it
takes to have an exceptional marriage.

****** 

MercatorNet: Why are young people delaying marriage? What could warm them up
towards marriage and children?

Greg Popcak: Most of the research I've seen on this suggests that young
people are afraid that life-long marriage isn't possible. They don't have
models for it. They don't know how to do it. In fact, their experience says
it's a pipe dream.

As for warming them up to the idea of marriage and children, I would say
that it's up to the happily-marrieds. People who are married have a two-fold
obligation. First, they need to commit to constantly working to make their
marriage and family even stronger. Second, they need to be willing to share
their positive, hopeful experience of marriage with others. They need to
overcome their fear of setting themselves up as an example. We need
examples. I think that married people standing around the water cooler
unnecessarily complaining about their spouse and kids just to "fit in" does
almost as much to undermine the culture of marriage as anything else.
Seeking support is one thing. Needless complaining is another. If a couple
or family needs help, then by all means get it, but if you're happy in your
marriage and love your kids, the world needs to hear from you.

MercatorNet: Do courtship and engagement play an important role in
determining what life after marriage will be like?

Popcak: It depends on what a couple does with it. If their entire focus is
having fun and planning the wedding party--which is more common than you
think, then no. Courtship and engagement will not prepare a couple for
marriage. But if a couple treats their courtship and engagement as a serious
time of discernment, and thoroughly examines their beliefs about children,
money, faith, careers, household management and the like, they will have a
leg-up on their less thoughtful counterparts.

MercatorNet: A report from the National Marriage Project says people
bringing up kids are less happy than the child-free; anxiety seems to be the
dominant note in parenting today. How does it seem to you? And what could be
the cause?

Popcak: I don't give a lot of credence to the research referred to there.
Before your readers decide that the secret to happiness is selling their
children for medical experiments, let's put this in context.

We know, for instance, that serious college students have pretty high levels
of stress. We know that employed people are less carefree than those who
sponge off of others. We also know that people who are planning a wedding
tend to be more stressed than people who aren't. Taken together, it would
appear that research clearly states that the secret to happiness is dropping
out of school early, living in your parent's basement, and never dating any
one person for too long.

You see the problem here?

Sure, great responsibility is accompanied by a little more stress and
anxiety, but we do it anyway because the blessings are so much bigger than
the cost. Kids are like that. True happiness isn't achieved by avoiding the
responsibilities of adulthood. It's achieved by embracing them. Parenting
doesn't cause problems. It solves them.

MercatorNet: What are the most common problems married people bring to you?

Popcak: A failure of generosity. Everyone is afraid of "losing themselves"
if they are asked to leave behind their comfort zone for the sake of love.
Their mate asks them to do something and the immediate response is, "You
want me to do WHAT!?"

Of course, I'm not talking about things that are morally offensive or
personally demeaning, just things that challenge my comfort level. The
problem is that we identify too much with our comforts to the point that we
choke off our ability to love. True, life-long, committed love demands a
willingness to learn new skills, develop new habits, and expand our
personalities in directions we never anticipated. If you want comfort, don't
get a marriage license. Buy a Barcalounger.

MercatorNet: "Good relationships should never feel like work." Do you agree?

Popcak: Superficially, this makes some sense. When you're doing something
you love, it can often feel effortless. But that isn't usually the case.

The fact is, you can't be passionate about something unless you've suffered
for it. The athlete is passionate about sport because she has pushed through
the aches and pains and obstacles to achieve success. The musician is
passionate about music because of the hours he has committed to tedious
practice.  And the lover is passionate about his beloved because he is
willing to overcome any trial or withstand any tribulation for the sake of
the relationship. Passion, literally means, "to suffer for the thing you
love."

Being passionate enough about someone to marry them, means being willing to
work hard, to challenge your comfort zone, to grow, stretch and even suffer
for the sake of love.  And if you're that passionate about someone, it is
your privilege to do so.

So, no. I wouldn't agree. Real love takes work. Always.

MercatorNet: What does it take to have an "exceptional marriage"?

Popcak: In my book The Exceptional Seven Percent I examine this issue in
detail. I would have to say the biggest factor is the mutual commitment to a
common vision and value system. Couples in exceptional marriages know that
their marriage is about something bigger than themselves. It is about
helping each other grow into living, breathing examples of the values and
beliefs they claim to hold.

That's the real meaning of fidelity, incidentally. Fidelity isn't just the
forsaking of other sexual partners. It is the ability to remain faithful to
the beliefs and values I have and to evaluate friendships and activities in
the context of those beliefs and values, and in the context of the marital
relationship which serves as the primary guardian and engine of those
beliefs and values. That's the classic, psychological definition of
fidelity. People forget that--even my colleagues.

MercatorNet: Does being religious help? What does the research show?

Popcak: Considering my answer above, you'd think I'd say "yes." But the real
answer is, "It depends." Church attendance alone, for instance, is a poor
predictor of marital success. People who warm pews get divorced at the same
rate as everyone else. But research has shown that people who do have a
serious commitment to religious faith and strive to live out their beliefs
in their daily lives are more likely to stay together, be happier together,
and have better sex-lives, than couples who don't.

MercatorNet: What will it take to promote a positive vision of marriage in
the media, especially in films and TV?

Popcak: Certainly media shapes culture, but it also reflects it. When more
couples start doing the kind of work I'm describing here to actually work on
their marriages instead of just having marriages, they'll start demanding
entertainment that accurately represents their lives and values. Until then,
the culture will continue to look for alternative arrangements that appear
to work better than what married couples have shown them. It's easy to
complain about "the media" but the truth is, the media sells what sells.
We'll stop buying it when it stops reflecting who we are.

Dr. Gregory Popcak (POP-chak) is a nationally recognized expert in Catholic
pastoral counselling, and is the Executive Directive of the Pastoral
Solutions Institute. He is the author of seven popular books integrating the
faith with counselling psychology. With his wife, Lisa, Dr Popcak hosts the
daily, nationally-syndicated Catholic radio broadcast, Heart Mind &
Strength. He also serves as the Senior Clinician for the Catholic telephone
counselling practice which reaches couples, families, and individuals around
the world.

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- THE HUMANE TREATMENT OF DOGS AND KIDS

Diane,
To add a brief historic wrinkle to the connection between the American
Human Association and fatherhood initiatives:

Many early efforts to stop child abuse and neglect were initiated out of
humane society offices. In the early 1900s, instances of child abuse and
neglect were often prosecuted under laws protecting animals.

The humane societies argued, basically, that children deserve to be
treated at least as well as the law required dogs to be treated. This,
eventually, led to the passage of legislation specifically directed at
protecting children.

Derek Gwinn

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- LESSONS LEARNED: INFLUENCE OF CELEBRITY DIVORCE IS MORE PRENUPS?

Spears-Federline split follows mini-trend
November 10, 2006
CNN.com

NEW YORK (AP) -- So now that there's been a seismic shift in our nation's
landscape, what lessons have we learned?

No, not that seismic shift. We're referring to the earth-shattering news
about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, who've joined a line of showbiz
power couples where the successful woman leaves the underperforming spouse
behind.

Just last week came the news about Reese Witherspoon, Hollywood's
highest-paid actress, and husband Ryan Phillippe. Three weeks ago it was
Whitney Houston saying goodbye to Bobby Brown. Before that it was double
Oscar winner Hilary Swank and her TV actor husband, Chad Lowe.

Not that any of this will change the direction of our country like Tuesday's
election, but is there something universal to be gleaned from this
mini-trend in the celebrity sphere?

Actually, yes, say some matrimonial experts. They note that we can and
should learn from these celebrity bustups, where the woman, traditionally
the financially dependent spouse, leaps beyond the man in terms of money and
power, creating inevitable fissures in the union. More practically, they
say, professional women need to learn to protect their assets -- as in
demanding a prenuptial agreement -- before they head to the altar. . . .

"The world is getting educated by these celebrity separations," says Rabin,
whose firm has handled high-profile divorce cases.

For article: 
www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/09/spears.celebspouses.ap/index.html

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- LESSON FROM THE MID-EAST ON UTILIZING INTERNET FOR MARRIAGE STRENGTHENING

> Diane, Here's something I picked up from an insert in my church bulletin:
>  
> "The number of people responding to SAT-7 broadcasts in the Middle East is up
> 200 percent from 2005.  Much of this is the result of "A Very Happy Marriage",
> a program that encourages husbands and wives to dialogue with trained
> counselors concerning various marital issues.  Spouses from all over the
> Middle east are calling, emailing, text messaging, and visiting Internet chat
> rooms in an effort to have stronger, healthier marriages."
> (from "The Church Around The World", November 2006)
>  
> Larry Compter, Executive Director
> Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia

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