Black Men and Marriage / Same Old Spouse - 11/2/06

Thu Nov 2 15:06:06 EST 2006

- TIME FOR BLACK MEN TO ACT LIKE MEN
- REMARRIAGE TO THE SAME OLD SPOUSE

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- TIME FOR BLACK MEN TO ACT LIKE MEN

Enough of this selfishness: Time for black men to act like men
(http://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/121069,CST-NWS-mitch02.article)
Chicago Sun-Times 
November 2, 2006
BY MARY MITCHELL Sun-Times Columnist

Black man, it is time to get married. No more pathetic excuses about not
being ready, or not being able to get along, or not having a good enough
career.

In the old days, when a man got another man's daughter pregnant, the father
would march the expectant father down the aisle at the end of a shotgun. We
don't believe in forcing couples to get married these days.

And look what's happened.

At the rate black men -- many of them fathers -- are not marrying, the
entire race may be at risk.

Here are the simple facts, according to credible research:

African Americans are significantly less likely to marry than are whites.
Only 50 percent of African Americans born between 1960 and 1969 were married
by the age of 30 (compared with 78 percent of whites).

African Americans have higher rates of divorce than do other racial and
ethnic groups.

And because of lower marriage rates and higher divorce rates,
African-American women are about half as likely as white women to be married
at any one time.

But marriage is no longer a moral issue.

It is an economic one.

According to research found on the Web site for National Healthy Marriage
Resource Center, "marriage is clearly linked to economic, psychological and
social benefits."

African Americans who are married have more money and higher-status jobs
than unmarried African Americans, and the economic benefits of marriage for
blacks may be more important than they are for whites," researchers found.

Not just poor people
This is not a lot of right-wing mumbo jumbo.

In fact, the next time a politician starts downplaying this problem, notice
the wedding ring on his finger. Just about every high-profile civic leader
today is or was married, and made the effort to raise his children in a
two-parent family.

That goes for the political rock star, U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, too.

But when was the last time any black leader made a pitch for marriage? More
of them have defended same-sex marriage than have pointed out that the lack
of marriage is destroying the black community from the inside out.

This is not a ghetto problem.

There are a lot of educated black women who should have been at the altar a
long time ago. Instead, they settled for the challenges that come with
raising children alone.

It wasn't always this way.

In 1970, African-American and white marriage rates were statistically
comparable, says Edward Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of
Chicago and author of "The Sexual Organization of the City," a landmark
study that looked at sexual behavior in black Chicago neighborhoods.

"Over the next 10-year period, the rates just dropped like a rock," he said.
The causes for that drop included "stagflation," he said.

"Inflation was going up and the economy was stagnant in areas like Chicago,
and one argument is that this hit the black male population very hard. So
their ability to take on the role of principal breadwinner was compromised.
At the same time, there was a fairly big rise in the incarceration rate of
black males and an increase of males who had felony convictions, which
lessened the willingness of another party to marry them," said Laumann.

More dropouts, violence
While that explanation makes some sense, it doesn't account for the educated
black men in their 30s and 40s who have children out of wedlock and are
still juggling other relationships. These men aren't committing, either.

"Black men are more permissible about extra-marital relations and about
two-timing women and that sort of thing. They now are in a buyer's market
and they can demand a price," Laumann said.

Their price is pretty high.

Black women are waiting longer and longer to walk down the aisle. By the
time some get there, they have already had one or two children. If the
children are by different fathers, these women's lives are further
complicated.

Common sense should have told us there would be consequences for this
selfish behavior.

By now, so many blacks have ignored the warnings about the harm caused by
the absence of black fathers that those consequences are now overtaking
communities in the form of high dropout rates and senseless violence.

Black man, this is not an attack. It is a black woman's plea.

We are tired of seeing our daughters travail in such sorrow. We are tired of
watching our grandchildren cling to fragile family ties. And by now, we are
clear:

Politicians can't fix this problem. Preachers can't fix it.

There's only one real way to ensure that a black child has the best chance
to succeed in this life.

Black man, marry your baby's mother.

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- REMARRIAGE TO THE SAME OLD SPOUSE

SECOND CHANCE, SAME COUPLE: Divorced partners try marriage again, with
better results
Detroit Free Press 
November 2, 2006
BY Gail Rosenblum
MCCLATCHY NEWSPAPERS

Ethel and Larry Lockman of Anoka, Minn., would be celebrating 57 years of
marriage, if it weren't for that sticky 17-year blip in the middle.

That blip called a divorce.

Wayne and Nancy Nicoloff of South Haven, Minn., married young and had
affairs. After divorce and remarriage, the trust is back.

These couples, and many more, left lousy, lonely first marriages and found
marital bliss the second time around.

With their exes.

Marrying a former spouse isn't terribly unusual. Celebs do it all the time:
Liz Taylor, Melanie Griffith, Larry King and Robert De Niro, among them.

What drives couples to wed one another twice? Amnesia? Insanity? Those who
have done it say it is something else: a precious second chance.

Exes share the same kids; they know each other's annoying habits. And trying
to find a "better" mate can be humbling.

It should be noted that re-couplers plagued by abuse, alcoholism or other
destructive behaviors are not what we're talking about here. Rather, these
are generally healthy people who may have married too young or had issues to
work out, but who never stopped loving each other. So they did what they
needed to do: They grew up.

Here's the link to the full article and a sidebar of tips for those that
want to try again with the same old spouse including these two gems:
€ Try not to burn bridges by trashing your ex to everyone you know. Those
nasty comments can come back to haunt you when you announce you're trying
again.
 € If you make the leap, don't expect perfection. Show the world that two
people can take a marriage that once failed and make it work this time. And
celebrate that.

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061102/FEATURES01/61102039
5/1026

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