MINI specials/ Don't split/Get the Guy/ Running /Wear/Blame - 5/06

[Smartmarriages]

- THOSE LETTERS OF INTENT.....
- CHECK OUT THE MINI BARGAINS
- DO NOT SPLIT THE LIST SERVE
- "SINGLE MINDED/HOW TO GET THE GUY" - JUNE 12TH ON ABC
- RUNNERS IN ATLANTA/BANQUETS
- WHAT TO WEAR

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- THOSE LETTERS OF INTENT.....
>> Are there letters of intent for the capacity building grant?
>> 
NO, there are not.  - diane

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- CHECK OUT THE MINI BARGAINS

The new Mini Training series will be the highlight of the Atlanta
conference.  And, the special discounted prices for Smart Marriages
attendees for the "teach out of the box" kits will end as soon as the
conference is over. It's also a good idea to purchase before the conference
for review purposes and to be sure they don't sell out before you can
purchase in Atlanta.  Many of the programs have just posted the special
prices in last few weeks, so if you checked earlier, check again.  One
example is the Kim Halford, Couple Care program who just recently posted the
discounted order info.   Halford will present both a keynote and a 2 hr Mini
Training of this exemplary, innovative program.

> Special Discount for Smart Marriages CoupleCARE MINI Training Attendees
> Buy the teach-out-of-the-box CoupleCARE kit securely online from
> <http://www.couplecare.info/mini.htm> and save 20 percent off the normal
> price.  You¹ll receive the kit before training and will be able to start using
> the program as soon as the session is completed. This unique, evidence-based,
> video or face-to-face program helps couples learn key ideas and skills in
> their own home, without you leaving your office.

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- DO NOT SPLIT THE LIST SERVE

So far, the following pretty well summarize the many replies.  No need to
send more unless you have a dissenting opinion.  Feedback helps!  I might
have spent a lot of time fixing something that isn't broken.  Now, the
website, that's another matter.....I know how dated it looks.   - diane

> Diane--
> In response to your question about the name of this "thing," the correct
> "technie" name for it is a moderated listserv.
> Listserv is the technical name for these e-mail distribution lists, and it's
> moderated because you screen everything that comes to it.
> 
> A listserv can fill the function of one way communication, two way
> communication, or sharing information.  This one is kind of a hybrid - it's
> definitely sharing information, but you also share some responses back to the
> group, so it's partially a two way communication.
> 
> Hope that helps.  I would recommend you decide what to call it, and then do it
> consistently so there's no confusion.
> 
> On the topic of splitting the list, my preference would be that you NOT split
> it. I think I probably fall into all three categories that you named, and I
> learn SOMETHING from every message you send out.  My primary work is not
> grants, but I used the stuff you sent out recently to help another group apply
> for one of the federal marriage grants. Even though it's a lot to sort
> through, I appreciate receiving it all because I almost always find some
> "nugget."  If you split it and I subscribed to all of them, it would be a LOT
> more reading.  The way you put the contents in the subject line is a big help.
> 
> Madge Alberts
> University of Minnesota

> Diane,  
> I am one of those people who found the website, and subscribed to the
> newsletter because I was hurting, and have now found myself linked with my
> local Community Healthy Marriage Initiative trying to find out how I can best
> help.  In the meantime, I am finding that my friends and people I meet through
> work, etc., seem to have needs relevant to the healthy marriages agenda, and I
> try to pass on what I learn.  I don't think I would be on the track of
> starting to get involved, unless it was from hearing about the organizers,
> educators and community efforts via the newsletter.  I think keeping the
> newletter "together", increases the snowball effect.
> MJ  

> Hi Diane, 
> I encourage you NOT to split the lists. Having us all together is a big part
> of what makes the Coalition a coalition. Hearing from all the various
> perspectives keeps us real. Educators and organizers need to hear what the
> researchers are doing and vice versa. The popular press helps us gauge the
> real world impact of what we're doing. People developing grants need to form
> partnerships among a wide range of interests. My own work crosses all of the
> major groups you mention, so I value hearing from everyone. Yes, sometimes I
> skip postings that don't relate to what I'm doing. But even skipping something
> means I had to take notice of it, and that's a good thing. And how would you
> keep the groups distinct anyway? I value the Coalition for lots of reasons.
> Let's keep it a coalition.
> Ken Himes
> Friends of the Family Ministries
> Corvallis OR

> Diane:
> Just my 2 cents worth...I can't imagine having to wade through 3 times the
> emails 'cuz I'm a marriage educator, a community organizer & still need the
> reminders about why I'm doing this. Please don't do it!
> And you're right--I would never have thought I'd become a community organizer
> except for Smart Marriages--both the Newslist and the conference.
> Julie Bock, CME
> Executive Director
> The Marriage Resource Center of Wayne County
> www.downrivermarriage.org

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- AOL SUBSCRIBER PROBLEMS
> Hi Diane, Somehow I got unsubscribed to your newslist over the weekend. It
> could have been my use of one of the kids computers...but of course I want to
> be subscribed and part of our marvelous community. looking forward to Atlanta.
> - Carolyn Perla

I fear it may be your aol address. I hear from dozens of aol subscribers
each week with this same frustration.  It's basically become impossible for
the newslist to get through to subscribers with aol addresses. I'm told the
problem was created by too many aol subscribers taking the lazy way out and
instead of unsubscribing, just clicking that the newslist was "spam".  Now
aol blocks us completely.  If you resubscribe just bounces everything we
send back to us and then our server automatically unsubscribes you.
Solution is to get a new address to use just for us. Or, just stay
unsubscribed and check the archive from time to time.  Of course, it's hard
to remember to do that and you don't receive urgent bulletins.  Many seem to
be switching to the free Google - gmail. That seems to be a great new
service and has large mailbox capacity.  If you do get a new address, you
have to resubscribe on the smartmarriages.com website. - diane


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- "SINGLE MINDED/HOW TO GET THE GUY" - JUNE 12TH ON ABC
 
> Hi Diane,
> Thank you for forwarding the Wall Street Journal article about single women.
> On this topic, I thought you might be interested in a new 6-part ABC-TV
> reality show called Single Minded. It is about four professional women in
> their 30's in San Francisco who have not found "the one". The show follows
> them on their dating journey. Launches June 12th at 10 pm. My husband, Patrick
> and I will be on the July 10th episode which features a dinner party with the
> single women, a newlywed couple, a couple married 40 years, "love coaches" and
> us (a couple married 10 years who also happen to teach Marriage Prep 101.)
> What a way to reach millions of people!
> See you at Atlanta.
> Dr. Michelle Gannon
> www.marriageprep101.com
> 
> Hi again Diane,
> We just found out that ABC has changed the Single Minded" title to "How to Get
> the Guy".   Here is the ABC announcement:
> 
> How to Get the Guy - Emmy Award-winning producers David Collins and David
> Metzler team with ABC on this romantic reality series that follows the trials
> and tribulations of love as seen through the eyes of four young, attractive
> and available women who are looking for Mr. Right. Shot docu-soap style at
> over 150-locations throughout San Francisco, the one-hour format will follow
> four single women over six episodes as they take hold of their own romantic
> destinies and declare to the world that they are ready, willing and able to do
> anything and everything they have to in order to find true love. Accompanying
> Alissa, Anne, Kris and Michelle on their journey are two "Love Coaches,"
> Emmy-winning writer and award-winning journalist Teresa Strasser and
> well-known television host JD Roberto. Lending the "he said/she said"
> perspective to the women's search, Strasser and Roberto will guide each lady
> throughout a series of events that ultimately leaves them learning more about
> love than any of them thought possible. Series premieres MONDAY, JUNE 12
> (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET).
> 

Who knows?  Maybe it will be so good (or, so bad) that Barbara Dafoe
Whitehead and Rozario Slack will use clips in their Atlanta keynotes on
Friday: Message to our Daughters/Message to Our Sons.  Or, maybe Pat Love,
Kathleen McFadden and John Van Epp us the clips in their keynotes: Breaking
the Cycle of Divorce/How to Avoid Marrying A Jerk. Whatever, you know I'll
Tivo and watch it.   - diane

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- RUNNERS IN ATLANTA/BANQUETS

> Anyone interested in pairing up for running (I¹m a slow runner looking at 3-5
> mi) during the conference either early morning or after. Nikelle at nrosier.com
 Nikelle AT nrosier.com
>  
> Nikelle Rosier, LICSW

I suggest that you do this as early morning as possible.  Atlanta can be
really hot and muggy by mid day. We're right near Olympic Park - can run
there.   Ror this and any other interests - looking for someone with a car
or who wants to rent a car and go to Stone Mt or Savannah, play golf or
tennis, share sitters, etc. - use the bulletin boards near the Smart
Marriages registration desk.  They work.  It's also the only way, once we're
at the conference, to ADD or SELL banquet tickets.  If you want to add
banquet tickets, do it NOW by calling 800-314-1921 ext 22.

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- WHAT TO WEAR

I get at least two questions a week asked about conference attire -
especially the banquets.  We should probably just call them dinners - cut
down on the misperception.  Here's a reply from last year I'll use again.

>> Diane--
>> 
>> I'm were wondering what to wear to Smart Marriages.
>> A shirt and tie, or polo and khakis, or jeans and a T-shirt?
>> For the banquets, a suit or a tuxedo?
>> J 
> 
> I'm so bad at this -- I barley notice.  So if any of the vets want to write in
> and correct me, I'll pass it on.  But I think I'd say that polo and kakis are
> most suitable. We say "casual business" but know that can mean just about
> anything depending on where you work.  Shirt with a collar is best. I
> don't think anyone wears jeans and a T-shirt, but, again, it just may be that
> I don't notice.  
> 
> Banquet - shirt and tie would be nice, and you wouldn't look out of place,
> though it's not necessary.  A few wear suits.  Haven't noticed any tuxes. It's
> great dinner table conversation and great keynotes.
> 
> MOST IMPORTANT - comfortable shoes!!  And, WARM long sleeves to layer over
> whatever you're wearing.   People literally FREEZE in the air conditioning.
> In fact, we should be selling sweatshirts - we'd make a fortune.  Dress in
> easily adjusted layers.
> 
> Diane   

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- WE MUST RE-MARRY DIVORCE TO BLAME
Edinburgh Evening News
Mon 29 May 2006
HELEN MARTIN

And, to end this post on a sobering note.  This is more of what's getting
stirred up by the seismic divorce changes in the UK. -diane
  
> Perhaps most controversial of all, we have over the years jettisoned the
> concept of blame.
> 
> It may be very civilised and PC to shrug and say "These things happen" -
> infidelity, financial squandering, mental or physical cruelty - and certainly
> the powers that be felt concentrating on the finances and leaving aside
> behaviour, lumping everything under irretrievable breakdown, made for a
> "neater" case.
> 
> But ignoring blame increases the unfairness and injustice of the settlement.


THE recent divorce rulings in England, in which a childless woman was
awarded £5 million after a marriage lasting less than three years, and a
mother who gave up her career got £250,000 a year for life, are almost sure
to be incorporated into Scots law too.

Men are squealing, especially at the meal-ticket-for-life precedent.
Advert for the new Scotsman jobs site

At the same time, an English millionairess is protesting at having to pay
her husband of 16 years a £3.5m settlement.

So neither gender seems to have the upper hand.

However, these three cases have reopened the debate on divorce settlements
at a time when we are all agog to find out how the McCartneys are going to
fare in their battle.

At one time the outcome of such courtroom adventures was more of a vicarious
business for the rest of us. Divorce was less common and the result was
usually predictable. Men worked and had money. Women didn't. Financial
necessity decreed he paid.

Successive decades have seen politicians and the judiciary struggling to
come up with some formula that would simplify the whole process, reduce
court time and prevent couples from spending, in some cases, more years in
litigation than they had in the marriage.

But lifestyles and the nature of marriage have changed over the years,
rendering such formulas and rules not only useless but in many cases quite
unjust.

Divorce is no longer something most of us experience only through newspaper
reports of the rich and famous. It is a common occurrence which all of us,
rich or poor, should at least accept is a possibility even as we utter "I
do."

We no longer live in a society where the roles of husband and wife are
clearly defined. Some women earn far more than their husbands. Some men are
primary carers of children. Some women do both, juggling work with
motherhood and housework.

Does a woman who hasn't given up work and has instead worked herself into
the ground doing everything and adding to the family income at the same
time, deserve a less generous deal than one who has concentrated on home
making? Perhaps most controversial of all, we have over the years jettisoned
the concept of blame.

It may be very civilised and PC to shrug and say "These things happen" -
infidelity, financial squandering, mental or physical cruelty - and
certainly the powers that be felt concentrating on the finances and leaving
aside behaviour, lumping everything under irretrievable breakdown, made for
a "neater" case.

But ignoring blame increases the unfairness and injustice of the settlement.

Who should get a greater proportion of the family assets? The woman who gave
up her career, raised children and whose husband suddenly runs off with his
secretary? Or the woman who gave up her career, raised children and ran off
with her tennis coach? It's a no brainer.

Marriages are individual, finances are individual, and reasons for divorce
are individual and highly complex.

Someone who behaves badly towards their spouse does deserve less than the
innocent party and disregarding that was a major mistake.

So too is the idea that one unusual divorce case can somehow set a precedent
for others.

There is one way only to reach as fair a conclusion as possible and that is
to look at each case on its merits, taking everything into account with the
standard right of appeal to allow for rare bias among judges.

Yes, it takes longer; yes, it makes for more courtroom confrontation; and
yes, it may even add to the hostility of the ex-partners.

But if we want fair, considered settlements, it's the only way.

Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com  Do not hit
"reply" - that goes to a filter.  This is a moderated list. Replies are read
by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be
shared with the list.  PLEASE include your email address with your
signature. 

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This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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