Third Option/ Unnecessary Divorce/ Sleeping in the Basement/Oklahoma Newsletter - 5/06

Wed May 10 13:31:26 EDT 2006

- THIRD OPTION INTRODUCES NEW SECULAR FORMAT IN TIME FOR ATLANTA
- ANOTHER UNNECESSARY DIVORCE
- SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT
- FREE OKLAHOMA NEWSLETTER

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- THIRD OPTION INTRODUCES NEW SECULAR FORMAT IN TIME FOR ATLANTA

Tah Dah!  - The Third Option "teach out of the box" marriage education
program, recipient of a 2005 Smart Marriages Impact Award, will introduce a
new secular version at the Smart Marriages Conference.  Both versions
(secular and Christian) will be taught in the MINI 2-hr training Session by
course developer, Pat Ennis, on Friday in Atlanta.

The secular version allows Healthy Marriage Coalitions with members of any
faiths to use it in their own places of worship.  And anyone applying for
federal funding can use the material in ANY community setting.

For more information or to order www.thethirdoption.com or check the MINI
training at http://www.smartmarriages.com/minis.html

> 304
> The Power of Two - MINI
> Susan Heitler, PhD
> This fun 12-session course teaches the full range of skills couples need to
> recognize and resolve (not just manage)
> conflicts.  Goes beyond communication skills to win-win conflict resolution,
> dealing with anger, healing after
> upsets, helping each other in hard times, and keeping love growing.

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- ANOTHER UNNECESSARY DIVORCE
> Diane,
> Here in New York, there was a big buzz today about the "Fat Man Walking," the
> obese man who just finished a year-long odyssey from California to New York
> City to lose pounds and his depression. Unfortunately, he also lost his wife.
> They're separated and she has just filed for divorce.
>  
> What was particularly sad was that his website (fatmanwalking.com) starts off
> with his purpose statement: "I am a 39 year old, happily married father of two
> great kids." Obviously, the poor man didn't have a clue--the classic
> "walk-away wife" situation. Now whatever he accomplished looks greatly
> diminished because of what he (and the family) has lost. No doubt the wife of
> a formerly depressed guy has a long list of grievances, but I wish she could
> seek help to stick it out for a few years to give things a chance to change.
> Another unnecessary tragedy.
>  
> John Williams 
> www.CouplesLearningCenter.com

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- SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT

And, speaking of our concentrated Sex/Infidelity Trakc, here's an article
that beautifully lays out the problem - how things can just run off into the
ditch, or the basement so gradually that it just sneaks up on you.  When I
read this it makes me so proud of our conference and our Marital Sex track -
we've definitely got the answers!  Thanks for all the nice emails about the
sex/infidelity track and all the other "tracks".  Some of you hadn't
realized we had this "tracks" page until yesterday.  If you haven't checked
it out: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conference.tracks.html

OP-ED:  J. Roback Morse: Sleeping in the basement
Sleeping in the basement
Townhall.com 
May 9, 2006

by Jennifer Roback Morse

When you have a reputation as a defender of marriage,  you¹ve got to deal
with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. This week, I got an  e-mail that was
definitely, well, Not Good.

"Dear Dr. J, 

I'm part of a group of 5 men. We all work together;  we are all married,
with children. Our ages range from 35 to 45. All  but one of us sleeps in
the basement because our wives don't really want us  very badly. The
youngest of our group does not yet sleep in the basement  but he reports the
same frustration that moves all of us there. Sharing a  bed with a woman who
does not want you is painful.

 Oh, she wants  you to pay the bills and be a father to your children, but
she doesn't want  you. It¹s difficult to just leave when you know you've
created  responsibilities, but it is pretty clear she'd rather you just
left.

It's entirely possible that all 5 of us are losers, bad  lovers and just
plain whiners. It's possible, but it's statistically  highly improbable. All
5 of us have good jobs; all but one has an  advanced degree. We live in
pleasant houses in safe neighborhoods.

So pardon us if when we read the phrase "abandoned their  wife" we are more
inclined to believe that is was a "sotto voce ejection".

             Mr. No Name."

OK Ladies: Can we talk?

This is Not Good. Take your pick between Bad and  Ugly, but let¹s be clear.
It isn¹t good for a man to feel his wife doesn¹t  want him sexually. It
isn¹t good for him to feel that he is a combination ATM  and Assistant Mom.

My husband and I have been there. Not that either of us  ended up in the
basement. But we have had our share of conflict over sex and  intimacy. I
can remember many conversations where he was trying hard to  explain himself
and I was trying hard to listen. He may as well have been  speaking a
foreign language, which, come to think of it, he was. He was  speaking
Man-ish. 

I had no idea what he was talking about.

He was really asking me to open my heart to him, and to  take this issue
seriously.

Men and women are very different from each other, and in  no area more
different than sex. There may be absolutely nothing wrong with  either one
of you. You are confronting the Great Divide between men and women.  If you
can bridge that sexual divide, and make marriage work, it is magic. If  you
can¹t, the alternatives are lousy: adultery, alienation or divorce.

I don¹t want you to become a divorce statistic. Nor do I  want you to make a
mockery of marriage by allowing yourself to get comfortable  with a
situation that is inherently unfair to your husband, yourself, your
children, and to marriage itself. Too many women take this route, thinking
it  is the easy way. But it isn¹t. Ignoring your husband¹s sexual needs is
the low  road, not the high road.

I wish I could give you the Three Steps to Marital Bliss,  and your husband
the Five Secrets to Driving Her Wild. But I can¹t.. I can¹t  even put my
finger on exactly what we did that broke the deadlock between us.  We
muddled through. We didn¹t give up and we¹re still muddling through. It
would be foolish to presume to tell you in particular, what you should do to
get your husband back in the bedroom and your heart, where he belongs. There
are ten thousand different ways to do this right.

Unfortunately, there are probably fifty thousand ways to  do it wrong. If
your husband is sleeping in the basement, literally or  metaphorically,
you¹re doing it wrong.

I would just ask my women readers to do this. Forget your  own feelings for
a moment. Think about how unhappy your husband must be if he  is sleeping in
the basement. Take this column to him, and say something like  this:

"I¹m sorry for the pain you must feel over sleeping in the  basement. I¹m
sorry for my part in causing it. I don¹t know what to do to  improve this
situation. But I want you to know that I¹m committed to trying.  It is not
OK with me for you to be this unhappy."

And ladies, if you can¹t do this, if it really is OK with  you for your
husband to be this unhappy, you need a heart transplant. The one  you have
isn¹t working. 

Jennifer Roback Morse, Ph.D., is the founder and chief  visionary of Your
Coach for the Culture Wars, a business devoted to supporting  organizations
that want to preserve their core values and achieve prosperity  by taking a
stand in the Culture Wars.  She is also the author of Love  and Economics:
Why the Laissez-Faire Family Doesn¹t Work.

 http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/JennniferRobackMorse/2006/05/09/196
664.html  
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- FREE OKLAHOMA NEWSLETTER

> Diane, 
> 
> Here is the link to the OMI¹s OK Marriage Minute newsletter --
> http://www.okmarriage.org/SiteInformation/ContactForm.asp. It is a bi-weekly
> e-newsletter, folks can subscribe online. I also take story idea submissions,
> my contact info. is included in the newsletter.
>   
> Jennifer Pierce
> Public Strategies, Inc.
> 

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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

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http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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