At Distance/ First Dance/ Words Matter/ The Marriage Calculator/ Another California County Steps Up - 5/06

Mon May 8 13:02:08 EDT 2006

- FROM A DISTANCE
- THE FIRST DANCE 
- "REPEAT ADULTERY"
- THE MARRIAGE CALCULATOR
- STANISLAUS COUNTY, CALIFORNIA HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
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- FROM A DISTANCE

> Dear Diane, 
> I know you mentioned (it may have been some years back) that there are
> services through which engaged couples can take a marriage preparation course
> on-line even if they are living a distance apart from each other.  If you
> could refer me to these programs I would greatly appreciate it.  We never know
> which of your emails we should clip and save!  It's for my own daughter and
> her fiance who is stationed in Germany. He proposed long-distance and they
> want to get married as soon as he's back in the states.  I'm not worried. This
> is not a rush to the altar situation.  We've know him for years and he's no
> jerk! Can't wait for Atlanta!
> MVW

Actually there is a whole section on the Directory of Programs called "At
Home/At A Distance" - programs for marriage strengthening, marriage
enrichment, and premarital preparation.  In fact, the most recent listing
that I just posted last week was for On-Line Premarital preparation. I'll
list a few of them here, but please check the complete "At A Distance"
section at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#distance

> Premarital Online (Marriage Essentials)
> Customized marriage preparation-options include online/self-directed, phone,
> video conferencing, in person, or one-day workshop. The program helps couples
> enhance their relationship, increase happiness, reduce marital conflict, and
> promote healthy, fulfilling marriages. Topics include intimacy, finances, role
> definition, sexuality, family history, and communication skills. This secular
> skill-building program is an ideal complement to non-secular marriage
> preparation programs. The in-person option includes four 90-minute live
> sessions, FOCCUS questionnaire, and a complimentary session during the first
> year of marriage. The self-directed program includes 6 hours marriage
> preparation (audio/online/discussion) and FOCCUS questionnaire.
> Web:  www.premaritalonline.com
> 877.958.1600
> Michael Davis
> 509.532.1600

> Marriage Preparation by Long Distance
> A convenient, effective format for couples who are not a
> good match for traditional programs. Process includes
> online FOCCUS assessment instrument, four 90-minute
> telephone conferences, customized handouts/exercises by
> email, and certificate. Premarital (or pre- engaged) educational
> concepts include communication and conflict resolution,
> sacrament, friendship, family of origin, finances, personality
> styles, couple spirituality, etc. Facilitated by Trudy Costa,
> 25-year marriage prep veteran and trainer, Professional
> Relationship Coach, and Marriage Consultant to the
> Diocese of Dallas. Couple response is totally enthusiastic!
> 972-240-5832
> Email: coachtrudy at earthlink.net
> Web: http://www.trudycosta.com

Also, have them visit the INVENTORIES section of the Directory. All the
inventories are now available on-line and couples can access them from two
different locations:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#inventories

And, since you're coming to Atlanta, I encourage you to sign up for the
launch of Doherty's new "The First Dance" program.  It's all about creating
a family-friendly wedding, being pro-active about managing the people stress
and blending the two extended families in a way that everyone gets to that
First Dance feeling included and supportive of the couple and the marriage.
You might want to teach the program in your community.  It's one of the new
programs about which I'm most excited.

And, BTW, congrats to you on the upcoming wedding!

> 601
> THE FIRST DANCE/Take Back Your Wedding - MINI
> Bill Doherty, PhD, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas
> Teach a program to help engaged couples, in the face of complex & sometimes
> conflicted couple & family dynamics, plan a strong, ³family-systems² based
> wedding that will lay a solid foundation for life-long marriage.

- WHICH LEADS ME TO ANTICIPATE THE NEXT QUESTION, "If we've already
registered and need to change our workshop selections, how should we do
that?"  You should email your changes to AMEDCO to Dave at cmehelp.com.  I
write it that way as it morphs if I write it as an email address
dave at cmehelp.com.  Or, call 800-314-1921 - ext 22.
- diane  

###########################
- "REPEAT ADULTERY"

> Diane, as someone who has been trying to heal a marriage shattered by the
> affair of my husband, I can't tell you how refreshing it was to read below in
> the article about building strong marriages where they Julie Bock is quoted as
> saying that the marriages that possibly are not worth saving are the ones with
> "repeat adultery", instead of just "adultery".  There is a BIG difference.
> Our society encourages us that punishing the adulterer with divorce is the
> right and justifiable thing to do.  Meanwhile, kids and families suffer the
> result.  For repeat offenders I mostly agree that divorce is probably
> justified, but for one time infractions, I think we come to that conclusion
> and encourage divorce much too soon.  You post many articles about healing
> marriages from adultery, and that's wonderful.  I would love to see that
> "repeat adultery" wording become a common "lingo" change among those of you
> working in the "marriage building" community.  Just wanted to share! .
> Thanks, Kim

Yes, we all need to be aware of how much words matter - how much the
prevailing lingo shapes our thinking and our decision-making processes -
both as helping professionals and as spouses. And, I want to use this to
point out, one more time, that we have more sessions at this conference than
ever before on working with marital sex and adultery - on the prevention of
and healing of infidelity.  Please check out the incredibly impressive
track/concentration on sex/infidelity by all the top presenters.  If you
work with couples, you should at least dip into this track:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/sex.track.html

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- THE MARRIAGE CALCULATOR
Last week, in an appearance before a Senate Subcommittee, Wade Horn
announced the availability of The Marriage Calculator.

It can be used to calculate the "cost of marriage" for a specific couple in
a specific state - how welfare programs and tax policies might interact to
create penalties and/or incentives and how they differ across states and
across different income and family structures.  In other words, in a
particular state, does a couple lose welfare or tax benefits by getting
married?  

The Calculator allows policy makers to pin down the consequences of these
tax and welfare policies as a basis for considering reforms to reduce
marriage penalties.  It was NOT designed for individuals to assess the
financial consequences of their own marriage decisions but as an aide to
policy makers. This new web-based tool was developed by the Urban Institute
under contract to ACF. Check it out at:
http://marriagecalculator.acf.hhs.gov/marriage/

>From the ACF website:
> 
> The Marriage Calculator website provides a set of tools for assessing the
> financial consequences of marriage for low-income families. The Marriage
> Calculator tool allows users to see how taxes and public assistance may change
> when a couple¹s living arrangement changes from living apart to cohabiting
> (both reported and not reported to government programs) to married. The State
> Policies Database allows users to search through tax and transfer program
> rules to learn how state policies influence the financial consequences of
> couples' decisions. The Prepared Tables-all created by the Marriage
> Calculator-illustrate how incomes change upon marriage or cohabitation for
> sample families with a range of characteristics.
> 
> BACKGROUND
> 
> Marriage may influence couples' finances in a number of ways. For example, if
> a low-income single mother gets married, she may see changes in the amount of
> income tax she owes and in the amount of benefits she is eligible for through
> various transfer programs-benefits from Temporary Assistance to Needy Families
> (TANF), food stamps, subsidized child care, subsidized housing, health
> insurance from Medicaid or the State Children's Health Insurance Program
> (SCHIP), and the Supplemental Feeding Program for Women, Infants, and Children
> (WIC). A single parent's decision to cohabit may also affect a family's tax
> liability and amount of public assistance. The total financial resources of
> the woman and the man might be higher or lower depending on whether they live
> apart, cohabit and report it to government programs, cohabit and do not report
> it to government programs, or get married.
> 
> The financial consequences of marriage or cohabitation are caused by both
> explicit and implicit rules in tax and transfer programs. Some rules are
> explicit. For example, the federal income tax system explicitly treats married
> couples differently from single parents or single individuals. Other rules are
> implicit. For example, the value of food stamps a household can receive does
> not explicitly vary by marital status, but does vary depending on the number
> of people in the household and their total income.
> 
> The exact financial consequences of marriage or cohabitation depend on the
> circumstances of the household members. One important factor is where they
> live; state income tax rules, as well as many rules of government benefit
> programs vary from state to state. The consequences will also vary depending
> on a host of personal and economic characteristics: the income and assets of
> the woman and the man, the number and ages of the children, the family's needs
> for child care, whether the family receives child support income, and whether
> or not the potential spouse is the father of the children. Finally,
> consequences will depend on the types of government assistance that the
> parents and children already receive (or would like to receive).

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- STANISLAUS COUNTY, CALIFORNIA HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE

> Dear Diane,
> 
> I'm writing to inform you of the inception of the Stanislaus County Healthy
> Marriage Coalition based in Modesto, California, the  heart of Central
> California.
> 
> Modesto was the very first city to implement a Community Marriage
> Policy in 1986.
> 
> I have applied for and received a capacity building sub-grant award
> from the California Healthy Marriages Coalition and am currently
> recruiting board members, coalition partners and providers and
> preparing the website and introductory brochures.
> 
> Our website (still under construction) is www.stancomarriage.org
> 
> Our temporary website, which I hope you can post on your CHMI web-based
> marriage resource centers list is is located at web.mac.com/jsteward2 Please
> share this with the e-list and encourage anyone in our area to be in touch.
> They can list their marriage classes for free.
> 
> See you in June. 
> Jim Steward
> SCHMC, Director
> 
It is most fitting that Modesto, which certainly was the first city to step
up to the plate for marriage, would take this next big step.
Congratulations on your sub-grant and for your work in moving this along!  -
diane  
Your listing is now posted on the "under construction" site on the Smart
Marriages CHMI page at  http://www.smartmarriages.com/grants.html
Though I visited and it looks very good and as though you are very far
along.  Let me know when you feel ready to graduate and I'll move it up to
the completed sites listing.  - diane

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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
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