Marriage Experts Converge - 6/21/06

[Smartmarriages]

This article from the AJC was picked up and ran all across the country.
Nice!  - diane 

A SOUR MATE TO SOUL MATE? MARRIAGE EXPERTS TELL US  HOW
By HELENA OLIVIERO
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
06/21/06

Want the hottest advice for your marriage?
Stick it out. 

Grit your teeth. Don't fight to win. Pick up the wet towel off the floor and
talk, talk, talk it through.

Wait a second, didn't your grandmother tell you this?

Well, what's old is new again, as A-list relationship gurus converge
Thursday in Atlanta for the biggest marriage conference in the country.

But there's more: Many marriage counselors and educators now believe you
don't need to go to therapy to work out your problems. The tips for a great
marriage are quick and easy ‹ almost as painless as learning how to run a
camcorder.

"The thought was marriage is a crapshoot, and if you are not happy in your
marriage, just drop the person off and get a new one," Diane Sollee,
organizer of the 10th annual "Smart Marriages" conference, held for the
first time in Atlanta. "Then we started seeing the second marriages were
less successful than the first. So the idea is you might as well try to get
it right the first time around."

More than 200 experts and two dozen national marriage and family
associations are represented at the conference. Star power includes John
Gray, the Mars/Venus author; Michele Weiner-Davis, the well-known
"divorce-busting" coach who also wrote "The Sex-Starved Marriage;" and
Harville Hendrix, author of "Getting the Love You Want" and one of Oprah's
top guests. Dozens of other motivational speakers, who routinely fill
churches and community centers, also will be on hand to pitch their
strategies.

And as a key source for pop culture media, expect to see the topics
repackaged throughout the year, as women's magazines, Oxygen network and the
Oprah Show stock their story idea files.

The cost of the conference, held at the Marriott Marquis, is pricey since
it's largely geared to professionals, but you can go on Sunday and meet many
of your favorites for $15 at the door.

The seminars are diverse: Battling porn addiction, for the first time, is a
keynote address. There's also a class on romance education for good ole boys
and a seminar on how to tailor traditional marriage advice for gay and
lesbian couples.

The one theme, however, that runs through the three-day conference is that
it's not finding your soulmate that will stave off divorce. In the long run,
marriages thrive through daily commitment, communication skills and hard
work, experts say.

And of course, the world has changed a lot since Grandma got married.
Divorce is high, infidelity is rampant, and she didn't have to worry about
Grandpa getting hooked on Internet porn Way Back When. Therapists also
agree, spouses shouldn't take physical or emotional abuse or stay married
merely for the sake of staying married.

"Every day is different and you have to work at it," said Donald Pettiway,
an Atlanta software consultant who plans to sit in several seminars with
Russella, his wife of 18 years. "Marriage is something you have to stick
with. It might mean biting your tongue. It might be denying yourself the
'me, myself and I' but the reward is a nurturing, harmonious, collaborative
relationship."

And now, the focus is on strengthening good marriages instead of just
salvaging those in crisis.

Want hot married sex? One seminar looks to the Biblical Song of Solomon to
show Christian couples that a spicy love life is good for you. Want to learn
how to communicate? Don't think of a therapist's couch, instead, go on "10
Great Dates" ‹ outlined in another class. Want to stop fighting over money?
Use a card game to stop screaming about the bills.

Dr. Frank Pittman, an Atlanta psychiatrist who will present a seminar
called, "Affair-Proofing Your Marriage," believes couples need to learn how
to work through rough patches ‹ and not just throw in the towel.

"People think, 'If only I get rid of my husband, then I will be happy,'"
said Pittman. "But really, divorce is the most disorienting and devastating
thing that can happen."

3 DAYS OF BLISS 
€ More than 200 marriage experts arrive in downtown Atlanta on June 22 for a
three-day conference at the Marriott Marquis on making relationships work.

€ At 3 p.m. June 25, John Van Epp will lead a seminar called, "How to Avoid
Marrying a Jerk" at the Atlanta Marriott Marquis, 265 Peachtree Center Ave.,
Atlanta, 404-521-0000. The event is open to the public and costs $15.

5 TIPS TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK

Wipe the love dust out of your eyes. Otherwise, you might end up marrying a
jerk. John Van Epp, a counselor from Ohio, is teaching a seminar called,
"How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk." "Love is a wonderful thing," says Van Epp.
"But it helps to be a bit of a psychological detective."

Here how to avoid saying "I Do" to a loser.

1. The Relationship Track Record: If you are involved with someone with past
anger or jealousy problems, it's likely these issues will re-emerge. Don't
get fooled into overlooking his problems with others because you believe "he
didn't love them the way he loves me."

2. Look at how your lover treats others: If you are on a date and your
boyfriend goes on and on about an argument and how he had to "rip him a new
one," remember: it's just a matter of time before he "rips you a new one."

3. Get to know the family: One dinner with everyone on their best behavior
is not going to provide enough insight into family dynamics. You've got to
spend time with people to spot trouble. Ask your partner how his or her
family showed love, and especially how it managed anger and conflicts.

4. Is he or she a good person? Character matters. Pay close attention to
your lover's daily behavior. Does she support you or manipulate you so she
can get her way? And remember....

5. People can change, but it's difficult: Change requires concrete steps ‹
such as reading books or getting therapy ‹ as well as a willful effort. No
one can force anyone else to change.

- Helena Oliviero


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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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