USA Today: Marriage and organ transplantation - 6/06

[Smartmarriages]

Diane, 
Here's the results of the Marilyn Elias inquiry that you posted on the list
serve looking for donor transplant couples.  Includes Steve Nock's story
(one of my heroes).  - Scott Haltzman



- ORGAN TRANSPLANTATION: LIFESAVING, AND LIFE-TESTING
USA TODAY 
6/13/2006 
By Marilyn Elias

LOS ANGELES ‹ Comedian George Lopez vividly recalls lying on a gurney,
waiting to be taken in for his kidney transplant 14 months ago. It was not a
macho moment.

His wife, Ann, was the organ donor. An inborn defect had steadily eroded his
kidney function, and his health. Tests showed that Ann's kidney was a good
match.

Just before they wheeled her in for surgery, she gave George a note and her
rosary. "I knew he was going to be by himself, so I gave him the rosary for
comfort," she says. "And I told him in the note that this was a gift from my
heart. I was doing it for our family."

George remembers: "I was in tears. I was scared to death. But I felt how
much she loved me. It made me OK with the situation. I didn't know how it
was going to come out. But at this end, I knew that I'd been loved."

A year has made a world of difference for the Lopezes. He leaped back into
life with Ann's kidney; he was playing golf just 10 days after surgery. And
he'll be golfing again, competitively, at the biennial U.S. Transplant
Games, starting Saturday in Louisville. More than 1,200 organ recipients
will compete in 12 sports at the five-day, Olympic-style event.

The Lopezes, both in jeans as they relax on the back patio of their
comfortable suburban L.A. home, say there's no question that organ failure
and transplant made their close marriage even closer.

Couples who ride the roller coaster of near-death and transplant for one
spouse nearly always get off at a different place than they got on. It's
often a better place, says Cheryl Jacobs, a transplant social worker at
University of Minnesota Medical Center in Minneapolis.

But marriages can crumble under such challenges, she says. Partners who fare
best tend to have tight bonds before crises set in, communicate openly and
have flexible roles, Jacobs says.

For example, if men who need heart transplants are too sick to ever go back
to work, their wives may have to become primary breadwinners for the first
time. Mates also might run the other way when confronted with caregiving
they never expected.

A strong bond can help

Close couples can weather even the worst crises. Isabel Stenzel-Byrnes, 34,
had cystic fibrosis from birth, which caused her lungs to gradually stop
working. She met her husband, Andrew, 12 years ago at Stanford University.
"I didn't hide a thing from him," she says. "I felt if he couldn't handle
it, I didn't want to waste my time with him."

She and Andrew fell deeply in love. But it wasn't always easy, for either of
them. "I was even using oxygen at night ‹ which is not very sexy,"
Stenzel-Byrnes says. "He struggled with the fear of losing me. We were very
open."

They made it through a few near-death crises together. And since her
transplant 21Ž2 years ago, they have traveled extensively.

"We appreciate every minute we have together. We savor our time," she says.

Catherine Paykin, transplant programs director at the National Kidney
Foundation, says she has learned to expect the unexpected from couples. She
recalls the very traditional Italian-American patriarch who couldn't return
to work even with a new heart and whose wife had to work into her late 60s
to keep their health insurance.

"He cleaned the house from top to bottom and even took care of the
grandkids. He became a different man," she says.

If partners don't change to meet new needs, the marriage may end, says
psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, a faculty member at Brown University Medical
School and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

One of Haltzman's patients lost his job when his kidneys failed. The man's
wife became the sole breadwinner. "He'd always been a passive person, and he
became more passive, refusing even to do the dishes or help around the
house," Haltzman says. A community group they belonged to sent a volunteer
to help with household chores. The wife wound up leaving her husband for the
helper.

A trial by fire

The crisis of organ failure and the drama of a transplant can amplify the
strengths and weaknesses couples have going in, Jacobs says.

Nobody knows that better than Steven Nock, 56, a University of Virginia
sociologist and the author of Marriage in Men's Lives.

A diabetic since age 11, he was near death from kidney failure five years
ago. After doctors said he faced a five- to seven-year wait on the cadaver
list, his wife, Daphne Spain, offered her kidney.

The transplant went fine, but Daphne nearly died because of a surgical
error. (Fewer than 1% of donors have serious complications, says University
of Minnesota transplant surgeon Arthur Matas.)

After the crisis, she had two years of almost constant pain and says she now
"keeps discomfort at bay" with regular physical therapy.

Amazingly, Spain doesn't regret giving the kidney.

"We don't have kids, so I didn't give life to another human being in my 20s
or 30s. Instead, I've given life to my husband in my 50s," she says. "I'm
still here, and so is he.

"If anything, this has brought us closer."

Ann Lopez is baffled that so many people commend her altruism. "'I take my
marriage vows seriously," she says. "You're supposed to cleave to one
another in trouble. They don't understand. I love this man."

 WANT TO GET INVOLVED? HERE'S HOW

More than 92,000 Americans are awaiting organs, according to the United
Network for Organ Sharing.

To receive a free organ donor card , visit www.kidney.org or call
800-622-9010.

To participate in a message board and chat rooms for organ recipients and
their spouses, visit trnsplnt.org or www.kidney.org/patients/mboards.cfm.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-06-13-organs-lopez_x.htm


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