Black Marriage - 6/06

Fri Jun 9 13:30:25 EDT 2006

- BEING A BLACK MAN: THE YOUNG APPRENTICE
- TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, BUT WITH HIGHER STANDARDS

- AFRICAN AMERICAN HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVES ROUNDTABLES

Plan to join the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative
Roundtables on Friday and Saturday mornings, 7-7:45am in International 4.
Stop at the ACF exhibit booth for additional information about the
Initiative and check out the curricula specifically targeted for working
with African American couples both in the Exhibit area and in the conference
program:  http://www.smartmarriages.com/black.track.html

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- BEING A BLACK MAN: THE YOUNG APPRENTICE
Marcus's Parents Agonize Over How to Protect -- and Prepare -- Him
By Robert E. Pierre
The Washington Post
Friday, June 9, 2006

A big, color photo highlights this front page, above-the-fold article, part
of an Washington Post series "Being a Black Man".  This one, "The Young
Apprentice", was gut wrenching for Smart Marriages readers. As I read I
wished there was a way to send in a Marriage swat team to help this couple
figure out how to save their marriage and give Marcus the best gift and best
preparation of all - his two parents, married and together. A marriage
Marcus could fall back on and relax into.  The article brings home a lot of
what Rozario Slack will be talking about in Message to Our Sons in his
Friday morning keynote at the Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference.  The
article continues on inside with a full two page spread and many great
photos of this beautiful family, and with, his mother saying "IF there is a
divorce".  Where's our swat team?   - diane

> Mark and Kim Yarboro tell their 8-year-old son, Marcus, that anything is
> possible. They also steel him for those times when his skin color may trump
> his accomplishments. . . .

> These Saturday outings, to basketball games, the ski slopes and the mall, had
> become more precious in the year since Mark separated from his wife of nine
> years and moved out. As the light between husband and wife has dimmed, they've
> learned to swallow their own hurts and focus on their only child. . . .

> Kim Yarboro has found a licensed clinical social worker to help Marcus IF
> THERE IS A DIVORCE. "When parents fall apart," said the counselor, Marvin
> Sessions, "that child falls apart, too."
> 
> It's partly for that reason that Kim took in her 16-year-old nephew from
> Columbus last month. He had come for summer visits before but now is staying,
> she said. She does not want to lose him. Two of her husband's nephews have
> been shot in recent years. One died in a shooting that was ruled an accident;
> the other, who served time for a drug offense, was shot five times and
> survived.
> 
> The tragedies are reminders to Kim of why Marcus must not grow up, like so
> many black boys, without his father. She takes comfort in the pledge she and
> Mark have made to keep their focus on Marcus. . . .
> 

> Life in his own house is different now.
> 
> He is up at 5:30 a.m. on school days and dresses as his mother makes
> breakfast. He used to make his bed every morning, too -- one of his father's
> rules -- but now he doesn't bother with the bed until weekends. His dad
> doesn't call those shots anymore. And he's not around to drive him to school
> in the mornings, when it would be just the two of them talking or listening to
> music.
> 
> Mark is living in a condominium he owns near his job at Fort Belvoir.
> 
> Once the Yarboros decided to separate, they sat Marcus down to tell him that
> mommy and daddy were taking a break. They told him that it wasn't a secret,
> that he shouldn't feel bad about it and that they both loved him. Still, it's
> not a subject he talks about much.
> 
> "I do want my dad to still live here," Marcus responded one day when asked,
> then paused.
> 
> One good thing, though, is that his father's ban on sci-fi movies is no longer
> in effect. "I don't have to put up with that anymore," he said.
> 
> He said this plainly, as simple fact. His father was there, and now he is not.
> 
> Mark can already feel the slippage and knows that teaching his son to be a man
> is more difficult when he is no longer at home every day. He replays moments
> again and again.
> 
> Recently he was back at the house with Marcus and told his son to hurry along.
> 
> "All right, I said I was going to do it," Marcus snapped.
> 
> Once, that kind of comment might have gotten him a spanking. But Mark is
> especially careful now with disciplining his son, even when Kim asks him to.
> 
> "I don't want it to be a situation where every time dad is here, he's
> yelling."
> 

Marcus Yarboro had told his parents that he didn't want to play, that the
game scared him, but there he was, weeks shy of his ninth birthday, standing
in the lobby of Laser Quest Potomac Mills.

"Why do I have to do it?" protested the third-grader, who is small for his
age and knows it. "I'm afraid of the dark, and it looks like a jungle in
there."

"I'll be right there with you, buddy," Mark Yarboro said, his words easy,
his voice even. His wife, Kim, was right. He and Marcus needed to get this
done. Marcus had sidelined himself at too many birthday parties where other
kids ran around shrieking and shooting light beams at each other.

These Saturday outings, to basketball games, the ski slopes and the mall,
had become more precious in the year since Mark separated from his wife of
nine years and moved out. As the light between husband and wife has dimmed,
they've learned to swallow their own hurts and focus on their only child.

These are seasons of change for Marcus, and his parents are determined to
hold him steady.

The Yarboros are both 45 and college educated with professional jobs, and
they are filled with hope and with worry. They see a world of possibilities
for Marcus -- maybe he will grow up to be a doctor or a scientist. And they
see a world that, despite its progress, can be hostile and unforgiving to
black boys.

They are among the upwardly mobile black families rearing a generation of
privileged children in the suburbs and beyond. Increasingly, boys such as
Marcus are growing up in places like Stafford County, where many of their
experiences mirror those of other children with similar economic status --
from private music lessons to annual ski trips.

And yet, for the Yarboros it means a dual consciousness, in which they
encourage Marcus to dream big while steeling him for the times when his skin
color may be all that others see.

In that reality, laser tag isn't just a game. It's another chance to show
Marcus that he must not be afraid to try new things, face new challenges. He
will have to be better to outrun those who will expect less of him, his
parents believe.

After the game, Marcus thrust his fist in the air and cheered when he heard
the name he had selected -- "Dragonmaster" -- over the loudspeaker. He'd won
third place, beating out bigger and older boys, a boost to his
self-confidence and another small victory for his mom and his dad.

FOR THE COMPLETE ARTICLE:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/08/AR2006060801
570.html?sub=AR

#############################
- TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, BUT WITH HIGHER STANDARDS
Donna Britt
Friday, June 9, 2006

> Or so suggested "Marriage Is for White People," a heartbreaking article by
> author Joy Jones, a never-married black woman, which appeared in The Post's
> Outlook section in March when I was on hiatus from writing.
> http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2006-March/msg00022.html

On Saturday, Laurel resident Audene Harvey did something reckless and
hopelessly retro.

She got married.

Harvey's strapless gown featured crystal beading. Her braided coif was
upswept. Although she calmly stated her vows, her tears flowed during the
reception's congratulatory toasts. All of this sounds unremarkable --
especially in June, the most popular month for marriage-minded Americans.

But Harvey, 30, is black. Getting hitched is something she wasn't supposed
to do.

Or so suggested "Marriage Is for White People," a heartbreaking article by
author Joy Jones, a never-married black woman, which appeared in The Post's
Outlook section in March when I was on hiatus from writing.

The commentary, which has haunted me ever since, provoked amens and "Are you
kidding?" from readers -- including the never-married black female friend
with whom I happened to have brunch the day it ran.

"I know the problems black women face in finding someone -- but the writer
seems to have given up," said Monica Parham, 38, an Alexandria corporate
lawyer who still dreams of marriage. "Why give up? It's like giving up on .
. . family relationships, your job, anything that's an uphill climb.

"Once you start down that road, you start giving up on more and more things.
And not really living your life."

For Harvey, living her life meant having a June wedding and a Maldives
honeymoon. But the 12-year-old boy who dismissed marriage as a whites-only
transaction and inspired Jones's article sees life differently -- as do
millions of black children whose parents no longer view marriage as
necessary.

In 2001, the U.S. Census found, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent
of black women had never wed, compared with 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent,
respectively, of whites. African American women are the least likely in U.S.
society to marry, as "sex, love and childbearing have become a la carte
choices," Jones wrote.

FOR THE COMPLETE ARTICLE:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/08/AR2006060801
967.html

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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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