I will/ Three little words/ AOL Conundrum/ Grant examples /Fox replies/In a NY minute - 6/06

[Smartmarriages]

- SUCCESSFUL GRANT EXAMPLES
- LETTERS OF INTENT ARE A SUGGESTION, NOT A REQUIREMENT
- "I WILL" 
- THREE WORDS THAT SAVE A MARRIAGE
- DIVORCE AND MEN'S HEALTH
- THE AOL CONUNDRUM
- FOX NEWS: REPLIES TO MY REPLY
- IN N.Y., DIVORCE CAN BE LICKETY-SPLIT

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- SUCCESSFUL GRANT EXAMPLES

> Diane, 
> On one of the Dennis Stoica calls, he mentioned a site where we could read a
> previous grant that he wrote and was awarded. I need to read a few successful
> grant examples.  
> SC
> 
Go here and click on Federal Funding.  The grant examples are near middle of
that section.  http://www.smartmarriages.com/grants.html

######################
- LETTERS OF INTENT ARE NOT A REQUIREMENT

> Diane
> Please remind people on the list that even if they didn't send a letter of
> intent last week on the two major healthy marriage/fatherhood grant
> opportunities they can still apply for those grants.
> Bill Coffin 
> 202-260-1550 

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- "I WILL" 

> Diane:  Your post referring to guys and gals saying "I do" for their wedding
> vows brought up:  When wedding vows are recited at our church, we don't use "I
> do."  This is so present oriented.  Our pastors ask participants to use the
> expression "I WILL." This is more future oriented and designates making vows
> for the future as well as the moment.  By the way, no one can be married at
> CrossRoad Church in Jacksonville, FL. without first going through premarital
> evaluation.
> The Rev. Don Bloch, Ph.D.

#######################
- THREE WORDS THAT SAVE A MARRIAGE

As Long As We Both Shall Live, a new book of photos and wisdom from
long-married couples by Robert Fass includes these:

> But Fass's own favorite "nugget of wisdom" is something he heard from Sally
> Gully in Winston Salem, North Carolina.

> "She said there are three words that save a marriage, and they're not, 'I love
> you.' They're, 'Maybe you're right.' And Marcus, her husband said, 'Maybe,
> gives you some wiggle room there'," he said. . .

> "Jack and Dorothy [married in 1946] here fight like cats," he said.
> 
> "They say good marriages are knock-down drag-out things."
> 
> "Then Morrie and Ciel, [who were married in 1940] say, 'Every once-in-a-while
> we get into a tiff and then all of a sudden we burst out laughing!'"

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- DIVORCE AND MEN'S HEALTH

Dear Diane,

       This research in Denmark reporting that divorced men are twice as
likely to die as married men confirms an earlier U.S. study with the same
results.  A 1976 book by J.J. Lynch,  "The Broken Heart: the Medical
Consequences of Loneliness," revealed that divorced men are twice as likely
to die in any given year from heart disease, stroke, hypertension and cancer
-- the big killers-- than married men. Lynch wrote an updated version of the
book in "A Cry Unheard: New Insights into Medical Consequences of
Loneliness" in 2000. The Institute for American Values cites other studies
that summarize the grim result.  A dicorced man will live 10 years less than
a married man, and divorce shortens the lives of women too, though less
dramatically.

       Mike McManus
       Marriage Savers

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- THE AOL CONUNDRUM

Message from my listserv manager:

>> My questions is about aol blocking some aol address subscribers and NOT
>> others. That's what is so befuddling.  Like a husband and wife will each have
>> an aol address and one will be blocked and the other won't.  Aol folks keep
>> getting unsubscribed.  They resubscribe, and automatically get
>> unsubscribed.  Then, they give up and go away. - diane
> 
> The reason some AOL.com subscribers get unsubscribed and others don't is that
> the ones who get unsubscribed have clicked the "this is spam" button while
> reading your Smartmarriages message - it's that simple.  When they do that,
> AOL sends us the message they've reported as spam and their address, and we're
> supposed to unsubscribe them because as far as AOL is concerned the person has
> asked to not receive these messages anymore.
> 
> The way to stop getting unsubscribed is to stop clicking the 'this is spam'
> (it might be 'report as spam') button while reading the message on AOL.
> 
> Here's an example - xyxyxyzz at aol.com  was unsubscribed from smartmarriages
> yesterday because they clicked on the 'this is spam' button when reading this
> message and we got the unsubscribe request from AOL, and we then unsubscribed
> them. 

#########################
- FOX NEWS: REPLIES TO MY REPLY

Many of you wrote with concern that in my letter to FOX News, I was putting
marital therapy and counseling down and that many therapists teach the same
communication and conflict management skills that are taught in marriage
education classes.  Yep.  But, I was making the point that the Fox reporter
and the public do not seem to realize that couples can learn these very
helpful skills in a classroom/educational setting - more affordably and as
effectively (if not more effectively) than from a therapist or counselor.
Just as it would be inefficient and wasteful to use highly trained heart
surgeons to teach smoking cessation, exercise and nutrition classes, it is
inefficient to use our highly-trained, licensed therapists and counselors to
teach marriage education skills. The government recognizes this and has
passed legislation to fund new Marriage Education demonstration projects. If
we hope to get the Marriage skills and knowledge available to the larger
public in a way that can turn around the divorce crisis, we must do this
with a widely-available educational model using the many excellent marriage
curricula.  I was at AAMFT for 10 years, a clinical MFT member (marital
therapist) where my title was "Associate Executive Director for Professional
Education". I understand the therapy and counseling fields. So does the
public.  My hope is to continue to increase awareness about Marriage
Education and all it has to offer. And, that a professional mental health
education or degree is NOT required to effectively teach marriage EDUCATION
curricula.  That is the point. That is the basis of our entire effort, and
of the new government funding.  Former Amer Psychological Association
president, George Albee, said it years ago: "We should be giving our
knowledge away so that it can really be of use to people in improving their
lives.  We shouldn't be hoarding what we know to protect our economic
self-interests."  A major way we will do that is through Community Marriage
Initiatives with therapists and counselors, clergy, activists, high school
and college instructors, extension workers, chaplains, lay educators, and
mentor couples all working at this together.  There is so much to do.  I
also received many letters of support and many of you also wrote Fox
(haven't heard from them - but we have to keep on this stuff). As an
example, here is a letter from lay educator couple, Dick and Carol Cronk. -
diane  


> Dear Fox News,
>     We just wanted to add our "ditto" to Diane Sollee's comments
> (below) regarding your June 1 article on Premarital Therapy.
>     We represent one of those "houses of worship that require couples to
> undergo counseling if they want to have their wedding there...."
> We require couples to go through this skill-based marriage preparation
> because it works!  Our marriage ministry has been in operation for nine
> years.  During that time, our team of mentor couples have mentored 181
> engaged couples.  Of those 181 couples, 20 couples decided to call off
> their weddings after the mentoring, realizing they were not marrying
> the right person or not marrying for the right reason.  This is a success
> story in itself. 
>     Of the remaining 161 couples who did marry after completing the
> mentoring, only 8 have divorced.  That is a 5 % divorce rate!
> Mike McManus, of Marriage Savers, Inc, has similar stats for his church.
>     Our marriage preparation mentoring process consists of a premarital
> inventory, personality/temperament assessment, communication and conflict
> resolution techniques, intimacy training and budget planning.  For more
> information, click on http://www.ohiomarriageresources.org/rac03.htm
>     We plan to attend the Smartmarriages conference in Atlanta.  We
> hope that you accept Diane's invitation to attend and observe.  If you
> do attend, please contact us while you are there.  We would love to
> continue this conversation with you.
> 
> Working for strong marriages
> Dick & Carol Cronk, Lay Directors
> Christian Life Center Marriage Builders Ministry, Dayton, OH
> email cronkra at erinet.com
> web http://www.ohiomarriageresources.org/
> voice mail 937-898-8811, ext 382
 
##########################
- IN N.Y., DIVORCE CAN BE LICKETY-SPLIT
New York Daily News
BY DORIAN BLOCK and JOSE MARTINEZ
JUNE 4, 2006 

(This article is even more depressing following right on the heels of
yesterday's post about the health consequences for divorced men and the
mandatory divorce counseling required in Norway. Norway can do it and we
can't get off our butts. Just think of the enormous savings of making
divorce education classes mandatory. We need to start thinking upstream. -
diane)  

Soon-to-be single New Yorkers are discovering a quicker, cheaper route to
divorce.

After the state last week introduced a new do-it-yourself guide on how to
pursue an uncontested divorce, couples on the brink of breaking up could
start weeding out pricey lawyers and paralegals.

The booklet put out by the New York State Unified Court System is no
lightweight - it has 77 pages of instructions and 10 forms.

But the prospect of saving big bucks made it a must-read for couples bailing
out on a bad marriage.

"I need to wrap this up," said Lisa Garcia-Lawson, 33, who was in Queens
Supreme Court checking out the guide. "We both need to wrap this up."

At courthouses throughout the city, men and women lined up last week to
learn about do-it-yourself divorces, which carry at least $400 in court
costs, but no added fees from lawyers or paralegals.

"I've already paid $750 and got nothing done through some big lawyers in
Manhattan," said Mary Ann Hassett, 45, of Brooklyn. "So I'm not doing that
again."

Separated since 2002, Hassett opted for the do-it-yourself route after
deciding that going through a lawyer would be too expensive.

But it's a method that is recommended only for those going through an
uncontested divorce, in which child custody or money are not at stake.

"We have no kids, no assets, no nothing together," Hassett said. "So it
should be easy, we hope."

Garcia-Lawson, who has been married for eight years, previously tried to
secure a divorce through a paralegal.

For $800, she said she ended up with documents that failed to pass legal
muster.

Filling out all the complaints and affidavits is a daunting task, she said,
but one that could finally free her from her marriage.

"I am treating it like a term paper," Garcia-Lawson said. "It's lengthy, but
I have the feeling it's straightforward."

The packet is tailored to the more than 50,000 New Yorkers who seek
uncontested divorces every year, court officials said.

The booklets can be downloaded on the Unified Court System Web site, or
picked up at state Supreme Court in all five boroughs.

Marjery Sosa, 27, went shopping for a divorce lawyer in the phone book and
got a price quote of $3,500. The price led her to warily take a shot at
filing for a much cheaper divorce by herself.

"If I need help, I'll just find a way to consult a lawyer," she said,
studying the stack of forms. "I'm not sure yet if I can do this."

Evidently, she decided she wouldn't go through with it alone.

On her way out of the courthouse, she stopped to ask a court officer for
directions to Queens Legal Services.


**************************
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