Premarital Therapy: Saying 'Help" Before 'I Do' /Pollination/ Mentoring - 6/06

[Smartmarriages]

- PREMARITAL THERAPY: SAYING 'HELP' BEFORE 'I DO'
- DEAR FOX  
- POLLINATION
- PARROTT'S NEW MARRIAGE MENTORING DVD PROGRAM

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- SIGN OF THE TIMES
This sign-of-the times piece on FoxNews.com is interesting in that it says
couples are increasingly seeking help BEFORE they wed. But it's
disappointing because it's totally focused on "counseling" and doesn't even
mention the trend towards the effective, cost-efficient Marriage EDUCATION
approach.  It points out that "about 80 percent of problems in any
relationship stem from communication issues and 20 percent deal with
resolving conflict" yet doesn't mention the communication skills/conflict
management skills classes.  Mentions that there is still stigma attached to
premarital THERAPY, but doesn't mention the alternative, stigma-free
educational approach. Mentions that many denominations require premarital
preparation, but doesn't mention Marriage Savers or Community Marriage
Policies.  We've still got a long way to go.
I, of course, am writing a letter to the editor and inviting them to come to
the conference to see the REAL trend.
- diane 



- PREMARITAL THERAPY: SAYING 'HELP' BEFORE 'I DO'
Fox News 
June 01, 2006
Catherine Donaldson-Evans

There's so much to do for couples who plan to marry: booking the reception
hall and the photographer, reserving the caterer and musicians, registering,
going to therapy.

Wait a minute ... going to therapy?

It might sound counterintuitive to see a counselor during what is supposed
to be such a happy time. But a growing number of couples are getting help
from a pro before they step off the ledge and take the plunge.

"We have seen that a lot more couples are going to premarital counseling for
lots of reasons," said Cynthia Hornblower, executive editor at Brides
magazine. "Couples today are older and a lot are from divorced homes, so for
them it's scary to commit."

About 40 percent of first marriages and 50 percent of second marriages
currently end in divorce, according to the National Marriage Project at
Rutgers University.

There aren't any hard-and-fast statistics on how many couples seek
premarital therapy now versus in the past, though psychologists and
counselors who specialize in it say they have definitely noticed an upswing
in the last two decades.

The number of family and marriage counselors has skyrocketed in the past 40
years, from only 1,800 in 1966 to 50,158 in 2004, according to the American
Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

"The increase in the number of practitioners is presumably consistent with
the consumer demand of the services," said David Bergman, the association's
director of legal and government affairs.

Even celebrities have become more open about going to couples therapy.
Courteney Cox and David Arquette have said that they went to iron out some
bumps in their relationship before they walked down the aisle, according to
In Touch. The gossip magazine also reported that Jennifer Aniston and
boyfriend Vince Vaughn plan to follow suit.

"It's becoming more common," said Clifton Fuller, a licensed marriage and
family therapist in San Antonio, who's been doing premarital counseling for
22 years. "I might have had one or two couples a year [when I started] and
now it's more like one a month or 10 a year."

Fuller pegs the increase to the fact that modern-day couples are waiting
later to marry and have more education than their predecessors, so they are
more fully aware of all that a lifelong commitment entails.

"They have more of an idea of the ramifications of marriage," he said.
"They're looking at it more objectively, as opposed to [seeing it as] purely
a romantic endeavor."

In addition, many houses of worship require couples to undergo counseling if
they want to have their wedding there, including the Catholic, Episcopalian
and other Christian churches.

For one 30-year-old New York woman, who asked that her name not be used,
premarital therapy seemed like a good way to learn how to handle some of the
problem spots in her relationship. At her suggestion, she and her fiancé
went to a counselor four months before their wedding.

"It's very helpful when you're in the pressure cooker of pre-wedding to have
someone else to talk to," she said. "I needed someone else to help us figure
out how to deal with the things that weren't going to go away."

She described those issues as the "practicals" of their relationship rather
than chemistry, love or trust. She felt as though her fiancé should be more
responsible to her and less responsible to his bachelor friends, for
instance. And she found that the therapy wound up being very, well,
therapeutic.

"It gives you some kind of foundation," she said. "It's like talking to an
expert about redesigning your home ‹ you are not a pro and you're too close
to it. They're not invested in it. There's no agenda."

Communication and conflict resolution are two key areas couples work on in
premarital counseling, according to therapists. Fuller said that from his
experience, about 80 percent of problems in any relationship stem from
communication issues and 20 percent deal with resolving conflict.

Premarital therapists teach couples skills for communicating well, fighting
fairly and compromising, and help them pinpoint issues they disagree on. The
earlier a couple comes to counseling, the more likely it is that the
sessions will be effective.

"The therapist has a chance to help them develop a road map, help them
understand their strengths as a couple and their challenges," said Alexandra
H. Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Family Institute at
Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.

"The earlier in the marriage that you can develop that sense of awareness
about what each of you brings into any particular conflict, the better off
you are."

What's challenging, she and other marriage counselors say, is when a couple
waits too long to seek help.

"The most difficult thing is when a couple comes in with a very entrenched
problem that they've had for many years and there's a great deal of
hopelessness," Solomon said. "They have already thought about divorce."

Couples therapy does still carry a stigma ‹ the assumption that there must
be something wrong with a relationship if the two people in it have to ask a
counselor or psychologist for help, especially before they're married.

"Perhaps I'm a bit insensitive, but I think if you're considering premarital
therapy, maybe marriage isn't the right path for you," said Randy Tranger, a
30-year-old newlywed from Point Pleasant, N.J. "If my fiancée approached me
about premarital therapy, I would probably rethink whether I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with that person."

Those who work in the field, however, see that as a myth that needs to be
debunked.

"Certainly they're ill-informed," Fuller said of people who believe
premarital therapy means trouble for the future. "That's the old idea that
people live happily ever after. I rarely hear that."

Thanks in part to TV, movies and other media, Americans have become more
comfortable with couples and other forms of therapy, so there is less of a
tendency to think getting professional relationship advice is a bad sign.

"I attribute it to society as a whole being more willing to seek out help,"
said Susan Harper Slate, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. "Psychology
has had good press for itself."

And most people tying the knot today know that marriage is no piece of
(wedding) cake, and the real effort comes after the Big Day is over.

"Probably they've become aware through watching 'Oprah' that marriage is a
difficult thing ‹ they need to prepare and it's going to be work," said
Fuller.

#######################
- DEAR FOX 

Dear Fox News, 

Your June 1 "Premarital Therapy" piece is helpful, but, sadly, behind the
times.  You accurately define a trend (more couples are realizing the wisdom
in premarital preparation). But you overlook the main trend developing in
this arena - the switch from premarital THERAPY or COUNSELING to premarital
EDUCATION.  And, the excitement -- because that is where the real hope lies.
We now know that couples can greatly improve their odds by taking a weekend
communication-skills course.

The classes are based on several decades of university-based research all
supported by tax dollars - it feels good to finally be getting the
information OUT of the labs and to the people.

The other good news is that with and educational, classroom approach, the
stigma of therapy and counseling drop away.  In a marriage education class
there is no need to reveal to a third person (a therapist or counselor) your
personal issues, your relationship problems, or your childhood wounds.
Instead, an instructor stands up front and gives you information on what the
research has discovered about "best practices" and "worst practices" for
marriage - which behaviors are pretty much guaranteed to run you off into
the ditch, and which will help preserve and grow the love you rode in on.
Couples can then use their newfound skills to discuss any issues - childhood
wounds or expectations about how they'll spend their money or who changes
the diapers - with each other. Discuss issues and manage disagreements
without escalating into divorce.  Information is also included on what
couples can expect in any marriage - a 'marital road map" - the predictable
peaks and valleys, challenges, along the way.  It works, and, you should
help get information about this new approach to your viewers.

More than 2,000 people from across the country and around the world will
gather in Atlanta in a few weeks to discuss the best ways to make these
courses available to couples. We'll examine the latest research, ongoing
program innovations, and all kinds of emerging trends - like how to deal
with internet porn, one of the new big challenges for premarital couples to
learn how to discuss and manage.  The feds have recently funded $750 million
dollars worth of demonstration projects that will help in this effort - help
to figure out how to best make Marriage Education courses available to all
its citizens.  

You might want to send someone for a look. Dozens of story angles under one
roof.  Dozens of different programs to check out.

Diane Sollee, Director
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Washington, DC 
www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332  

10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

#################################
 
- POLLINATION

Dear Diane, 
Your readers might be interested in this exchange between Helend Wilson and
me. 
 

>> Dennis, 
>> I would like to extend my deepest appreciation to you and your team for an
>> excellent grant application tele-confernce training session.  The Technical
>> Assistance will help on numerous levels.
>>  
>> You mentioned the training was being taped.  I would like to have a copy of
>> the story you told at the beginning to play in my coalition meetings.  It
>> inspired me, and I'm sure it will inspire others members of our coalition.
>>  
>> Again thanks for extending your expertise to others.
>>  
>> Helend Wilson, LPC,  President, AWARI-Dallas African American Healthy
>> Marriage 
>> Initiative

 
Here is my reply:
 
> Dear Helend;
> Thank you for your very kind words.
> Below is the story in written form.......please spread it widely.....
>  
> The phrase "good corn" is an integral part of CHMC's (California Healthy
> Marriages Coalition's) language and culture...and we believe that the
> fundamental concept of spreading "good corn" is a key driver behind the
> success of our state-wide organization - as well as the successes of the
> community coalitions that we serve.  I would like nothing more than to have
> the success that our philosophy of "good corn" has brought us to spread like
> wildfire to all the CHMIs throughout the country.....
>  
> I hope you don't mind that I am forwarding your comments and this reply to
> Diane Sollee....for her to "sow to the wind" if she so desires.   With that
> behind us, here is the story of "Good Corn".
>  
> "There was a farmer in Iowa who consistently won the top prize at the county
> fair.  When it was announced that he had again been awarded the blue ribbon
> for the 10th consecutive time, a reporter from the big city came out to
> interview him. 
> 
> The reporter asked him:  "How is it possible that you consistently grow the
> best corn for miles around?  Don't you have the exact same climate and soil
> conditions as all of your neighbors?" The farmer responded:  "Yes I do, but if
> you follow me around today you'll see exactly how I do it."   The reporter
> said, "Okay, but what are we going to do?"  "Well," said the farmer, "today's
> the day after the fair and this is when I go around to all the surrounding
> farms and give them samples of my prize-winning corn."   Astonished, the
> reporter asked, "Why in the world would you give away your best corn?   Aren't
> you afraid that if they've got your best corn, and then they plant it, that
> their corn might become better than yours?"
> 
> "No", said the farmer, "and your question indicates that you don't understand
> the way to grow good corn.   Because the way that corn propagates is that
> pollen from a corn field get spread by the wind from one nearby field to
> another.   Therefore, the only way I can be assured of growing the absolute
> best corn is to make sure that all my neighbors around me grow the best
> possible corn as well.   So, if I want to keep on growing good corn, it's my
> responsibility to help others do so as well."
> 
> 
> Helend, if this is the approach that we all take with each other, we will be
> unstoppable as a National Marriage Movement, and the impact that this will
> have on our culture will be nothing short of phenomenal.
>  
> Dennis Stoica
> President 
> California Healthy Marriages Coalition
###########################

- PARROTT'S NEW MARRIAGE MENTORING DVD PROGRAM

> Les and Leslie Parrott (award-winning authors of the Saving Your Marriage
> Before It Starts program) announce a new, teach-out-of-the-box, marriage
> mentoring program.  The Complete Resource Kit for Marriage Mentoring - a
> tested and proven method based on 10 years of research - gives you everything
> you need to launch a successful marriage mentoring program.  The program
> addresses (1) preparing, (2) repairing and (3) maximizing marriages and the
> kit includes:
>  
> 9 session Marriage Mentor Training and Recruiting DVD
> Hardcover edition of The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring
> Marriage Mentoring Leader's Guide
> Soft cover edition of 51 Creative Ideas for Marriage Mentors
> Marriage Mentoring Training Manual for Husbands
> Marriage Mentoring Training Manual for Wives
>  
> For More Info and to watch the Promo clip go to
> http://www.realrelationships.com/ and click on ³Resources²
> 

**************************
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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
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Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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