Cohab Study/Web-based Resource Cntrs/Message to Our Daughters/Romance - 7/12/06

[Smartmarriages]

- STUDY: COHABITING NOT PRELUDE TO MARRIAGE
- REGIONAL WEB-BASED CHMI RESOURCE SITES
- YOUR SITE: TIME TO MOVE ON UP?
- MESSAGE ON MARRIAGE TO YOUNG WOMEN
- ROMANCING THE ROOST .....FROM THE OFFICE

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- STUDY: COHABITING NOT PRELUDE TO MARRIAGE
Consumer Health\UPI

ITHACA, N.Y., July 10 (UPI) -- A U.S. study finds that one-half of all
cohabiting unions end within a year and 90 percent within five years and may
just be "an intense form of dating."

Cohabitation is easily entered into but is unlikely to lead to the altar,
especially for poor and minority women, according to researchers at Cornell
University.

The study, published in Demography, reports the cohabitating unions end
because couples break up.

"The common view of cohabitation as a steppingstone to marriage needs to be
seriously questioned," said Daniel Lichter, professor of policy analysis and
management and director of the Bronfenbrenner Life Course Center at Cornell.
"Instead, serial cohabitation may be an emerging norm as cohabiting unions
form and break up."

If marriage promotion programs hope to target poor cohabiting women, our
results seemingly suggest that the likelihood of success is not assured,
according to Lichter.

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- REGIONAL WEB-BASED CHMI RESOURCE SITES

> Diane,
> The El Dorado Healthy Marriages Coalition (California) has its web site up:
> www.edhealthymarriages.org.
> 
> We are gearing up marriage education opportunities for couples in our
> county. Being listed on your web page would be very much appreciated. We are
> recipients of a CHMC sub-award and we applied to ACF for a grant for next
> year.
> 
> Last week was my first Smart Marriages conference and I was overwhelmed. I am
> still processing the information. You are to be very much commended for this
> wonderful ministry.
> The Rev. Craig Kuehn
> El Dorado Healthy Marriages Coalition
> craig at edhealthymarriages.org
> 
And, you are to be commended for a wonderful CHMI website.  I'll post it on
the "under construction" section of the registry.  I'll also share this
announcement with the list to encourage folks in your region to post their
classes with you.  As soon as you have more classes covering more
categories, let me know and I'll move you to the National Registry.  I
imagine you could list some of the classes from nearby Sacramento -
Retrouvaille, Engaged Encounter, etc.

I especially like the way you feature "why marriage matters" research themes
and fundamental conclusions on your home page.  Well done!

Pleased that you enjoyed the conference.

- diane 

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- YOUR SITE: TIME TO MOVE ON UP?

If you have a site listed in the "under construction" section, please let me
know if you're ready to be moved up to the Registry.  See:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/grants.html

Also, check out the "how to build your site" instructions including
template.  And/or, order the recording of the session on how to do this on
MP3 or CD at 800-241-7785.
 
> 756-518
> Harness the Internet: Marriage Resource Centers
> Dennis Stoica, MBA
> Learn to build a website for your marriage project or Community Marriage
> Resource Center. Increase access to local marriage programs. Includes FREE
> templates and instructions.


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- MESSAGE ON MARRIAGE TO YOUNG WOMEN
Chattanooga Times Free Press
July 2, 2006 

When Barbara Dafoe Whitehead was growing up, her father gave her four
rules for selecting a husband. He should be a man of good character and
conscience and a man who will make a good father and be a good provider.
He must not be an asthmatic. Her father was a doctor and an asthmatic.

Ms. Whitehead did find a man who exuded most of these qualities and has
been married to him for 39 years. The one area in which she rebelled: she
married a man who is asthmatic.

"Things are different now for girls," Ms. Whitehead said. "Both of my
girls are single and in their 30s. One of them shared with me that
someone in college told her that to think about marriage shows a lack of
ambition. In the popular culture -- reality TV, celebrity gossip, etc.
-- young women today hear messages of heartbreak and failure, heartbreak
and cheating, heartbreak and lying. There is NOT a lot out there about
being successful in marriage."

According to Ms. Whitehead, only 20 percent of young adults came from
broken homes in the late '70s compared to 40 percent in the late '90s.
Many women have first hand experience with divorce. These young people
gather a tremendous amount of misinformation along the way that if acted
upon will significantly lower their chances of success in marriage.

"I believe there are five pervasive messages of failure that young women
are receiving today," Ms. Whitehead said.

* Teenage sex has nothing to do with having a healthy marriage. Two
thirds of today's teens believe it is OK to have sex if you love the
person. The truth is the consequences of teen sex can last a lifetime
while the relationship doesn't.

* It is OK to have kids first because you can find a guy later. The
highest percentage of unwed births today are to women in their 20s.
Although they hope they can find a guy later on, evidence shows that
their chances of successful marriage decline as do their chances of ever
marrying. 

* People should live together before marriage. The evidence suggests
that it does not increase your chances of having a successful marriage
and there is strong evidence that it increases your changes for divorce.

* There is nothing you can do to prepare for a healthy, successful
marriage. There are many who believe having a lot of bad relationships
is the only way to have a good one and heartbreak is unavoidable.

* There is nothing you can do to change your chances of divorce. The
mantra for today's young people is "50 percent of all marriages end in
divorce," Ms. Whitehead said. They believe that a successful marriage is
a roll of the dice. That is not true. There is a lot they can do.

"The truth is, young women in their teens and 20s should have tremendous
hope for a successful marriage in the future," Ms. Whitehead said. "If
you want to have a healthy marriage, here are some things to consider:

Caring adults can utilize the excellent resource "Making a Love
Connection" to assist teens in making healthy decisions. At the heart of
the message of hope is a message about sequence or timing. Young women
can significantly improve their chances of having a healthy marriage by
finishing high school, waiting until they are out of their teens to
marry and waiting to have a child until they are married. If they do
these things, their chances of living in poverty or divorcing decrease
dramatically, and their chances of having a healthy marriage go way up.

Teen girls looking for a committed relationship, shouldn't settle for
any old guy. Don't live with someone before marriage. Most women want a
committed relationship. When they marry, they typically do so in front
of many people. There is no mistake about what they are doing. Moving in
with someone is private. There is nobody there except maybe the moving
guys. One young lady said, "I really didn't care about wedding vows, but
when I lived with my boyfriend we didn't vow to do anything.''

Young women should complete their education in their 20s and marry
before the age of 30. In general, research shows that if people marry in
their 20s, their marriages are distinctly happier than if they marry
later in life. 

Girls should date with the intentions of marrying. It's important for
them to consider what they are looking for in a mate and don't date guys
who aren't marriage minded. They should put themselves in places where
they are likely to meet the kind of guys they are interested in
marrying. 

Young adults shouldn't wait until they are engaged to get marriage
education. They need to study relationships as much as possible. People
who know better do better. It's important to value marriage education
and share the knowledge with others.

Lastly, they should consider a small wedding, if marriage is in their
plans. Many people delay getting married until they can pay for a huge
bash or a destination wedding that stresses them out and makes them
crabby and tired. By focusing on the relationship instead of the big day
itself, couples can get a good start emotionally and financially and
spend more time together.

Julie Baumgardner is the executive director of First Things First, an
organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through
education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

GREAT DVD: I strongly recommend the Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Rozario
Slack keynote plenary session "Messaged to Our Sons/Message to Our
Daughters" one of the highest rated and most moving sessions at the Atlanta
Smart Marriages Conference. Order session #756-P2 on DVD, CD or MP3 at
800-241-7785.  

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- ROMANCING THE ROOST .....FROM THE OFFICE
Oklahoma Marriage Initiative Newsletter
June 2006 
Jennifer Pierce 

In today¹s world of long work hours and demanding schedules, it¹s
challenging to find quality time for your marriage.  These 8 tips will help
you and your spouse stay connected when you must spend many hours apart:
 
1.     Take a 15-minute break to call your spouse just to share some
laughs.  Allot time daily to call your spouse and share a fun, light-hearted
conversation.  Talk about bills, appointments, children, chores, etc., is
off-limits. 
 
2.     Make the "homecoming" irresistible.  Upon arrival home, embrace your
spouse for 30-seconds.  You¹ll be amazed at how well a generous hug melts
away stress and fatigue of the work day.
 
3.     Plan now for the one big thing you¹ve been wanting to do together. 
Murmuring "Honey, we should do thus-and-so" when you're in bed and half
asleep does nothing to enhance your relationship.  Stop procrastinatingŠset
a date today and start saving and planning. 
 
4.     Be prepared for rare moments when "free" time arises.  When together
at last, you may look at each other and wonder "What should we do?" Couples
typically share casual suggestions day to day (i.e., try a new restaurant,
go to a certain movie, take a day trip to an interesting locale) but, when
put on the spot, neither person can recall them.  Prevent brain cramp: Tape
paper next to a home phone and an office phone to write down ideas. Then,
when an opportunity presents itself, you'll have a ready list of options.
 
5.     Send humorous or romantic cards to the office.  Buy a funny or
sentimental card, write a personal message, and mail it to your spouse's
business address.  Or, write and mail a thank-you note to your spouse for a
sizzling evening the night before (or to suggest a sizzling evening).  If
your spouse travels, hide special cards in his/her suitcase.
 
6.     Tuck a love note in his pocket or her pocketbook.  Jot down a few
meaningful words on a piece of paper ­ ³Can¹t wait to wrap my arms around
you tonight"; "What's for dessert?"; "You make me happy" ­ and tuck it in a
place certain to be discovered during the day.  Surprise!
 
7.     Establish a ³tradition² to celebrate the end of the workweek
together.  Devise a ritual for Fridays after work (or the best day/time for
both of you).  Examples: Meet up for lattés at a gourmet coffee shop,
workout together at the gym followed by dinner out, enroll in a couples
cooking class.  Treat the occasion like an ³important business meeting,²
making it a top priority.
 
8.     Apply the ³3-Compliments System² daily.  It¹s easy to find things
³wrong² with each other.  Do the opposite.  3 times every day, make it a
point to tell your spouse something flattering, convey your appreciation, or
show admiration.  Spread compliments throughout the day.
 
By Sheryl P. Kurland, professional speaker/author of ³Everlasting Matrimony:
Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years or More² ­
www.EverlastingMatrimony.com. Contact Sheryl: 407-786-7747;
Sheryl at EverlastingMatrimony.com.
 
 
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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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