The Generational Wired-Relationship Gap / Weddings with Kids - 7/09/06

[Smartmarriages]

- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (ON A GOOGLE MAP)
- WITH THESE RINGS....


- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (ON A GOOGLE MAP)
By THEODORA STITES
The New York Times 
July 9, 2006

This article in the Modern Love series in the New York Times Sunday Style
section is a must read for those of us in the Marriage Education Movement.

It makes painfully clear what we are up against in trying to not only
understand, but to communicate with, the wired generation about matters of
love and romance.  

It will probably make you dizzy - it's like reading Greek - but I encourage
you to read it, print it, file it, ponder it and use this info to try to
figure out how we can reach these next marrying generations.

>  I'M 24 years old, have a good job, friends. But like many of my generation, I
> consistently trade actual human contact for the more reliable emotional high
> of smiles on MySpace, winks on Match.com and pokes on Facebook. I live for
> Friendster views, profile comments and the Dodgeball messages that clog my
> cellphone every night.
> 
> I prefer, in short, a world cloaked in virtual intimacy. It may be electronic,
> but it is intimacy nevertheless. Besides, eye contact isn't all it's cracked
> up to be and facial expressions can be so hard to control. My life goes like
> this: Every morning, before I brush my teeth, I sign in to my Instant
> Messenger to let everyone know I'm awake. I check for new e-mail, messages or
> views, bulletins, invitations, friend requests, comments on my blog or
> mentions of me or my blog on my friends' blogs.
> 
> Next I flip open my phone and check for last night's Dodgeball messages.
> Dodgeball is the most intimate and invasive network I belong to. It links my
> online community to my cellphone, so when I send a text message to 36343
> (Dodge), the program pings out a message with my location to all the people in
> my Dodgeball network. Acceptance into another person's Dodgeball network is a
> very personal way to say you want to hang out.
> 
> I scroll through the messages to see where my friends went last night, and
> when, tracking their progress through various bars and noting the crossed
> paths. I check the Google map that displays their locations and proximity to
> one another. I note how close Christopher and Tom were last night, only a
> block away, but see that they never met up.
> 
> I log on to my Friendster, Facebook, MySpace and Nerve accounts to make sure
> the mail bars are rising with new friend requests, messages and testimonials.
> 
> I am obsessed with testimonials and solicit them incessantly. They are the
> ultimate social currency, public declarations of the intimacy status of a
> relationship. . . . .

To read the full article, go to:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/fashion/sundaystyles/09love.html?_r=1&oref
=login

###########################

- WITH THESE RINGS....

> Wedding rings are not just for brides and bridegrooms anymore. When parents
> remarry ‹ sometimes more than once ‹ they find themselves looking for
> meaningful new ways to include the offspring of their earlier relationships.

> "Thirty percent of weddings are encore weddings ‹ second, third, fourth," she
> said. "And 61 percent of those involve children from previous marriages who
> need to be incorporated into this new family unit."

Field Notes
By ROXANNE HAWN
NEW YORK TIMES SUNDAY STYLE SECTION
July 9, 2006

AT the altar of the Faithful Hearts Wedding Chapel, Hannah Smith waited, her
hand extended, as Jerimy Bloomer slipped a delicate gold band onto her
finger. And then Brittney Bloomer, who like Hannah is 6 years old, grinned
broadly as Kim Smith, her father's new bride, slipped a band, very much like
Kim's, on her tiny hand.

"We want them to feel like they are marrying us as well as we're marrying
each other," said Mr. Bloomer, 29, of the May 6 ceremony in Terre Haute,
Ind., that not only bonded Mr. Bloomer and Ms. Smith in marriage (his third,
her second) but also each new parent to their new stepchild. "They can look
at this as, 'This was the day we became a family.' "

Wedding rings are not just for brides and bridegrooms anymore. When parents
remarry ‹ sometimes more than once ‹ they find themselves looking for
meaningful new ways to include the offspring of their earlier relationships.
Some of those couples choose to give children wedding bands or other jewelry
that they view as being symbolic of the union, not just of a couple, but of
their combined families.

"You know, the circle is supposed to be never-ending love and commitment ‹
something that lasts forever, weathers all storms," said Margaret Hallinan,
who surprised her two children from her previous marriage with rings when
she was wed to Kevin Hallinan in August 2005 at the Tarrytown House hotel in
Tarrytown, N.Y. "Sometimes it gets misshapen on the finger, but it's still
there, and that's kind of what life is about."

Mrs. Hallinan, who had been a seamstress making custom wedding gowns before
her divorce, and Mr. Hallinan, a partner in PricewaterhouseCoopers in New
York and a widower, bought a signet ring for her then 12-year-old son and a
heart-shaped ring with a small diamond for her 9-year-old daughter.

"We're kind of into the ring thing," said Mrs. Hallinan, who received a
simple gold band to match the one she gave Mr. Hallinan. They also bought a
diamond, right-hand ring for Mr. Hallinan's 21-year-old daughter, who did
not attend the wedding.

Diane Warner, the author of 23 wedding books, said giving jewelry to
children is catching on. "Thirty percent of weddings are encore weddings ‹
second, third, fourth," she said. "And 61 percent of those involve children
from previous marriages who need to be incorporated into this new family
unit."

Parents often find kid-size rings at local jewelers or even at big-box
discount stores for less than $300.

While leading countless remarriage ceremonies in Missouri, the Rev. Roger
Coleman, a United Methodist minister in Kansas City, Mo., noticed the need,
and came up with the idea of family medallion necklaces in the mid-1980's to
fill it. "It began to dawn on me that these kids are coming in, knowing
something important is going on, but not actually being involved in any
significant way," he said.

His own line of jewelry evolved into rings and more. The inexpensive rings,
which are available online (www.familymedallion.com), range from $40 to $70.

Kathryn Alice, a wedding officiant in Venice, Calif., and spiritual
counselor with the Church of Religious Science, is less enthusiastic about
giving rings to kids. "I still think the marriage should be about the union
of the couple," said Ms. Alice, who recommends that if you must present
children with a gift of jewelry, pocket watches for boys or necklaces for
girls are more appropriate. "There is a fine line between including them,
and its getting weird because the marriage of the grown-ups is not the
marriage of the children, and you want to avoid its appearing or feeling
that way," she added.

Maria Isbell, a stepparent advocate in Austin, Tex., and a founder of
KidsnCommon, an online service that provided support for divorced parents,
warns that couples must work hard on their relationships with the children
of their would-be spouses long before even considering marching to the altar
or giving them rings. "Including them in the ceremony is a wonderful thing
but include them in your life first," said Ms. Isbell, a stepmother herself.

When Felicia and Charles Howshar married in Denver in December 2005, they
gave right-hand diamond rings to Mr. Howshar's daughters, 14 and 16, from
his first marriage, and Mrs. Howshar vowed to each of them: "I will care for
you, love you and honor you as if you were my own. Take this ring as a
symbol of our new family and our love for you."

Laurie Olson and Judy Padilla, of Everett, Wash., gave a ring to Ms. Olson's
then 9-year-old son, Dillon Olson, at their May 2005 commitment ceremony at
their home there. Dillon warmly accepted the gesture, Ms. Padilla said.


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