Tips from Smart Marriages Conference - 6/26/06

[Smartmarriages]

This article, the 5th one by Helena Oliviero in the AJC, highlights five
top-rated workshops from the Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference:
Jennifer Baker's "Marriage Education for Good Ole' Boys";
Jim Sheridan's "Love and Sex in the Biblical Marriage";
Syble Solomon's "Money Habitudes";
Steven Stosny's "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore";
and Aaron Larson's "Healthy Marriage Weight Loss Program".

You can order these very highly-rated session for $15 each on CD or MP3
format at PlayBack Now at
800-241-7785 or at 

http://www.playbacknow.com/search/index.cfm?CFID=9996671&CFTOKEN=49532612&Pa
gemode=Event&EventID=263295

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TODAY'S ADVICE: EXPERTS' TIPS FOR HAPPILY EVER AFTER
The Atlanta Journal Constitution (AJC)
Helena Oliviero - Staff
Monday, June 26, 2006

Country music, card games and Bibles were all part of the mix at the biggest
marriage conference in the nation, held this weekend at Atlanta's Marriott
Marquis hotel. 

The message: Use whatever prop, new idea or program that will help couples
stay together. 

"The ones who crashed and burned were all in love when they started and they
all thought they had the right person to have babies with," said Diane
Sollee, founder of Smart Marriages and the organizer of the conference. "But
what was different was their expectations about marriage."

Jorge Mayer, a minister with Seventh-day Adventist churches in metro
Atlanta, said that classes, books and tips have helped him keep his marriage
strong through the years.

"I know I don't always feel in love, but when I said 'yes' to my wife, that
had meaning," said Mayer, who attended the conference with Nibia, his wife
of 30 years. 

After a weekend of hundreds of speakers, we've gleaned the top three things
you need to know from five sessions. (And don't forget: Never stop holding
hands.) 

"Marriage Education for Good Ole Boys." A look at how listening to country
music can be a tool to communicate with your country lovin' mate. Speaker:
Jennifer Baker, clinical psychologist and director of the marriage and
family department at the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in
Missouri. 

1. Listen to Lonestar's "My Front Porch Lookin' In," a song about a truck
driver on the road whose favorite view is seeing his wife and children, as a
discussion starter.

2. Use an episode from "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" involving his character's
son, who gets into a fight at school and comes home with a note from the
school. Mom is upset, but Dad takes a "boys will be boys" attitude. Have
husband and wife role-play out this scenario.

3. Get ideas from country music for simple ways of putting intimacy back
into the marriage: Take a walk around a lake, go fishing or start a ritual
together, such as sipping coffee together on the porch every morning. Fun
does not have to be expensive or complicated.

"Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage." Learn how the Scriptures
encourage passion and love. Speaker: James Sheridan, a district court trial
judge in Michigan who teaches a marriage enrichment group at his Lutheran
church. 

1. Once married, there are only a few limits on sex: It must be done just
with your spouse; it must take place in privacy; it must be something both
husband and wife want to do; and you don't have sex that could be physically
dangerous (no sex while sky-diving).

2. Just like church, sex is not just for special occasions; it should be
ongoing. 

3. Be creative. Be playful. Wear lingerie. In the Song of Solomon, one
passage involves Solomon's bride inviting her husband into the vineyard and
then saying she wants to show her love --- new and old. "That's like saying
I've got a few new tricks up my sleeve, but I am storing some oldies but
goodies." 

"Games People Should Play." An actual card game, "Money Habitudes," that
poses different scenarios to get couples to discuss their attitudes about
money and spending habits. Speaker: Syble Solomon, a life planning
specialist and the creator of Money Habitudes.

1. Consider cards, or statements, dealing with various scenarios linking
feelings of shame, secrets or fear associated with money. (Your partner will
have his or her own stack.)

Sample cards: "I do not trust people who have a luxurious lifestyle." "I
can't imagine going shopping and not buying anything." "I hate to wait for
things. If I want something, I usually just buy it." "I am very clear in the
difference between what I need and what I want."

2. You put the cards into three piles: That's me, that's sometimes me,
that's not me. 

3. Discuss your three stacks of cards with your spouse.

"You Don't Have to Take It Anymore." Looks at the toll of emotional abuse.
Speaker: Steven Stosny, founder of CompassionPower, a company that provides
anger management programs.

1. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship if you're walking on
eggshells, continually editing yourself to avoid your partner's bad moods,
yelling, glares, finger-pointing or sarcasm.

2. Resentful, angry or abusive people believe that every negative emotion
they have is someone else's fault. You cannot negotiate with them; you must
demand that they give you the value and compassion you deserve or get
professional help. 

3. Every harsh word you say to a loved one and every time you belittle your
spouse will make you hate yourself more.

"Healthy Marriage Weight Loss Program." Teaches couples to lose weight and
strengthen their marriages at the same time. Speaker: Aaron Larson, a
marriage educator at the National Healthy Marriage Institute in Utah.

1. Do it solo. If your spouse wants to join you, great. But don't force it.
You don't need for your partner to join your diet and exercise regimen.

2. Don't nag your partner about his or her weight. Complaining may lead to
short-term weight loss, but your mate will probably gain the weight back and
you will have to face resentment and emotional withdrawal because you tried
to force him or her to be thin.

3. If you have health concerns about your spouse's weight, you can say, "I
love you and I am concerned about your weight. What can I do to help?" But
you must accept the response the spouse gives.

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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Download the brochure and registration form at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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