From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sat Jul 1 13:19:17 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sat, 01 Jul 2006 13:19:17 -0400 Subject: Tips from Smart Marriages Conference - 6/26/06 Message-ID: This article, the 5th one by Helena Oliviero in the AJC, highlights five top-rated workshops from the Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference: Jennifer Baker's "Marriage Education for Good Ole' Boys"; Jim Sheridan's "Love and Sex in the Biblical Marriage"; Syble Solomon's "Money Habitudes"; Steven Stosny's "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore"; and Aaron Larson's "Healthy Marriage Weight Loss Program". You can order these very highly-rated session for $15 each on CD or MP3 format at PlayBack Now at 800-241-7785 or at http://www.playbacknow.com/search/index.cfm?CFID=9996671&CFTOKEN=49532612&Pa gemode=Event&EventID=263295 ##################### TODAY'S ADVICE: EXPERTS' TIPS FOR HAPPILY EVER AFTER The Atlanta Journal Constitution (AJC) Helena Oliviero - Staff Monday, June 26, 2006 Country music, card games and Bibles were all part of the mix at the biggest marriage conference in the nation, held this weekend at Atlanta's Marriott Marquis hotel. The message: Use whatever prop, new idea or program that will help couples stay together. "The ones who crashed and burned were all in love when they started and they all thought they had the right person to have babies with," said Diane Sollee, founder of Smart Marriages and the organizer of the conference. "But what was different was their expectations about marriage." Jorge Mayer, a minister with Seventh-day Adventist churches in metro Atlanta, said that classes, books and tips have helped him keep his marriage strong through the years. "I know I don't always feel in love, but when I said 'yes' to my wife, that had meaning," said Mayer, who attended the conference with Nibia, his wife of 30 years. After a weekend of hundreds of speakers, we've gleaned the top three things you need to know from five sessions. (And don't forget: Never stop holding hands.) "Marriage Education for Good Ole Boys." A look at how listening to country music can be a tool to communicate with your country lovin' mate. Speaker: Jennifer Baker, clinical psychologist and director of the marriage and family department at the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Missouri. 1. Listen to Lonestar's "My Front Porch Lookin' In," a song about a truck driver on the road whose favorite view is seeing his wife and children, as a discussion starter. 2. Use an episode from "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" involving his character's son, who gets into a fight at school and comes home with a note from the school. Mom is upset, but Dad takes a "boys will be boys" attitude. Have husband and wife role-play out this scenario. 3. Get ideas from country music for simple ways of putting intimacy back into the marriage: Take a walk around a lake, go fishing or start a ritual together, such as sipping coffee together on the porch every morning. Fun does not have to be expensive or complicated. "Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage." Learn how the Scriptures encourage passion and love. Speaker: James Sheridan, a district court trial judge in Michigan who teaches a marriage enrichment group at his Lutheran church. 1. Once married, there are only a few limits on sex: It must be done just with your spouse; it must take place in privacy; it must be something both husband and wife want to do; and you don't have sex that could be physically dangerous (no sex while sky-diving). 2. Just like church, sex is not just for special occasions; it should be ongoing. 3. Be creative. Be playful. Wear lingerie. In the Song of Solomon, one passage involves Solomon's bride inviting her husband into the vineyard and then saying she wants to show her love --- new and old. "That's like saying I've got a few new tricks up my sleeve, but I am storing some oldies but goodies." "Games People Should Play." An actual card game, "Money Habitudes," that poses different scenarios to get couples to discuss their attitudes about money and spending habits. Speaker: Syble Solomon, a life planning specialist and the creator of Money Habitudes. 1. Consider cards, or statements, dealing with various scenarios linking feelings of shame, secrets or fear associated with money. (Your partner will have his or her own stack.) Sample cards: "I do not trust people who have a luxurious lifestyle." "I can't imagine going shopping and not buying anything." "I hate to wait for things. If I want something, I usually just buy it." "I am very clear in the difference between what I need and what I want." 2. You put the cards into three piles: That's me, that's sometimes me, that's not me. 3. Discuss your three stacks of cards with your spouse. "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore." Looks at the toll of emotional abuse. Speaker: Steven Stosny, founder of CompassionPower, a company that provides anger management programs. 1. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship if you're walking on eggshells, continually editing yourself to avoid your partner's bad moods, yelling, glares, finger-pointing or sarcasm. 2. Resentful, angry or abusive people believe that every negative emotion they have is someone else's fault. You cannot negotiate with them; you must demand that they give you the value and compassion you deserve or get professional help. 3. Every harsh word you say to a loved one and every time you belittle your spouse will make you hate yourself more. "Healthy Marriage Weight Loss Program." Teaches couples to lose weight and strengthen their marriages at the same time. Speaker: Aaron Larson, a marriage educator at the National Healthy Marriage Institute in Utah. 1. Do it solo. If your spouse wants to join you, great. But don't force it. You don't need for your partner to join your diet and exercise regimen. 2. Don't nag your partner about his or her weight. Complaining may lead to short-term weight loss, but your mate will probably gain the weight back and you will have to face resentment and emotional withdrawal because you tried to force him or her to be thin. 3. If you have health concerns about your spouse's weight, you can say, "I love you and I am concerned about your weight. What can I do to help?" But you must accept the response the spouse gives. ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sat Jul 1 21:37:53 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sat, 01 Jul 2006 21:37:53 -0400 Subject: Premarital Education Could Cut Divorce Rate, Survey Finds - 6/22/06 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: This USA TODAY article ran the first day of the Smart Marriages Conference and was picked up in papers all across the country. It doesn't say, but we know that the name of the "premarital and marital education program" co-founded by Scott Stanley is the PREP program. Scott was part of a team training PREP and Christian PREP instructors in three-day pre-conference Institutes. And, it doesn't say, but the new "teach right out of the box" or "use right out of the box" (it's suitable for training workshops or for couples to view in their living room) DVD-based wedding intervention program created by Bill Doherty is called The First Dance. It launched to great success at this year's Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference and was also featured last week on The Today Show. Quite a launch! You can purchase the 2-hour First Dance Mini training workshop presented by Bill and his daughter, Elizabeth, on DVD or CD at 800-241-7785 or at http://www.playbacknow.com/search/index.cfm?CFID=10000905&CFTOKEN=44495170&P agemode=Individual&EventID=263295 > Order Session #756-601 > The First Dance/Take Back Your Wedding - MINI > Bill Doherty, PhD, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas > Teach a program to help engaged couples, in the face of complex & sometimes > conflicted couple & family dynamics, plan a strong, ?family-systems? based > wedding that will lay a solid foundation for life-long marriage. Order The > First Dance on their website at http://www.thefirstdance.com ############################### - PREMARITAL EDUCATION COULD CUT DIVORCE RATE, SURVEY FINDS By Sharon Jayson USA TODAY June 22, 2006 More couples are getting premarital education, perhaps thinking it may give their new marriages divorce protection. And new research suggests they may well be right. Premarital education "is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflicts and higher levels of interpersonal commitment to spouses," says the study, published this spring in the Journal of Family Psychology. Based on a random phone survey of 3,344 adults in four states, it says couples who received premarital education had a 31% lower chance of divorce. The number of hours spent in premarital programs ranged from as little as a few hours to 20 hours. The median was eight hours. Most religious denominations suggest that their engaged couples participate in such programs; Catholicism requires it. But now, others also are giving them a try. "The reason this has become more important, at least culturally if not religiously, is that people are beginning to try and figure out ways to prevent divorce," says Deborah Caldwell, managing editor of Beliefnet.com, a multi-faith religion website. Unlike premarital counseling, which involves the couple alone and may focus on their conflicts and trouble spots, premarital education takes place in a group; classes provide general relationship advice. Because premarital education aims to lower the risk of divorce and identify problem areas before the wedding, experts suggest couples start such programs six months to a year out. Scott Stanley, co-founder of a premarital and marital education program and a co-author of the journal study, says increased interest in premarital education follows a cultural trend "to be much more accepting of education as a way to improve one's ability to do life well." He is speaking this week at the Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta. His study surveyed adults in Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas in 2001. Only 7% of those married there during the 1930s and 1940s got premarital education, compared with 44% of those married since 1990. Apparent benefits were the same across race, income and education, but there was at least one difference. "It looks like everyone has the same benefit, but they don't have the same access," Stanley says. William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, is among those who want to improve that access. He has created a DVD designed to give prospective brides and grooms a dose of premarital education amid the logistics of their wedding planning. The two-hour mini-course is aimed at managing what Doherty calls the "people stress" of preparing for the big event. Wedding planning advice abounds, from a plethora of books to websites and chat rooms that let brides-to-be vent about their soon-to-be in-laws or their own family issues. But Doherty says their advice is simplistic. Marcy Twete, 22, of Minneapolis, and fianc? Matthew Harrington, 23, of New Richmond, Wis., were among a small group invited to attend a preview of Doherty's DVD session earlier this year. Their July 29 wedding has prompted her to look at lots of books and wedding websites, but they don't tell brides much about the background issues related to family dynamics. "It's all focused on flowers and pictures and everything else. Nobody takes into consideration what's going to happen to the family after the wedding is over," Twete says. "It really is about joining two families." ------ -SIDEBAR: HEADING TO CLASS Percentage who received premarital education: 1930s-40s: 7% 1950s: 12% 1960s: 22% 1970s: 25% 1980s: 32% 1990s-2001: 44% Source: 2001 study of adults in Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas, Journal of Family Psychology ************************** - PREP AND FIRST DANCE Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sun Jul 2 11:42:17 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 11:42:17 -0400 Subject: CBS / Get your Mojo Working/ Conference flavor - 7/2/06 Message-ID: - GRANT SITE OVERLOADED ;) - CBS EARLY SHOW: SERIES ON DIVORCE - COURSEJUNCTION.COM - FLOODED BASEMENT UPDATE - MARS/VENUS: GET YOUR MOJO WORKING..... - POSTER SESSIONS/VOLUNTEERING/EXHIBITS/PRESENTING, ETC - POSTERS - IMAGO CONNECTS EXHIBITING/MINI'S - EXHIBITING, MENTOR PROGRAM, PRESENTING AS A MINI, DIRECTORY LISTING - SPEAKING OF MINIS..... - SPEAKING OF DIRECTORY LISTINGS.... - VOLUNTEERS ############################ - GRANT SITE OVERLOADED ;) The site to submit grant applications was REALLY overloaded on Friday, the due date. That's great news!! - so many of you emailed to tell me your proposals and it's just so exciting - so many creative, ambitious plans. Awards are to be made by end of Sept if they can just find enough grant reviewers. Please apply to review grants if you possibly can spare the time. Book your trip to stay over a weekend and get a free sight-seeing trip to DC! For info and dates: http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2006-June/003074.html - diane ############################## - CBS EARLY SHOW: SERIES ON DIVORCE There are many ways to help with our mission - organize a community marriage initiative, volunteer as a grant reviewer, keep your own marriage strong - but one of the best ways is to help journalists get the story out. They can't do it without real couples/families to illustrate their points. I've talked at length to this producer and she's very interested in our work AND in a preventive angle. Please help her if you can. - diane > CBS The Early Show > Upcoming 3-part segment on divorce > > A producer at the Early Show is looking for adult children of divorce > interested in talking about their experiences on camera, AS WELL AS divorced > parents of at-home children who are going through some of the typical stresses > of divorce and joint custody. > > If you are interested, or know someone who is, please contact Kim > Kennedy, producer, at kennedyk at cbsnews.com ################################ - COURSEJUNCTION.COM I was asked to pass this along to the listserv. I'm NOT endorsing or recommending it, just forwarding the info. > Diane, > Course Junction is an education community dedicated to helping people find > education. We've had a number of requests for marriage classes. > (http://www.coursejunction.com). It is free to list. > > I would appreciate it if you would pass this email along to your listserv. > > Roni > http://www.coursejunction.com --------- > I went to the site and here is the info under FAQs section about costs: > >> What does Course Junction? cost? >> >> Course Junction? is free to anyone who signs up for a course. You must >> just pay the enrollment fees as detailed in the course description. >> >> If someone signs up for your offerings on Course Junction? or as a result >> of a referral from Course Junction?, we ask that you pay 7% of any enrollment >> fees paid by that participant over the next 365 days. All you need to do is >> list your classes, we will follow up with you once you start receiving >> enrollments and referrals. ############################### - FLOODED BASEMENT UPDATE Thanks for all your concern and suggestions. I've got a crew here mopping up, tossing out, and digging up. I live in a 106 year old farm house and the "diagnosis" is that the underground stone foundation has become porous. They're digging down and putting tar paper and glop on the stonework - about 80 linear feet, about 5 feet deep. I'm dubious as the foundation looks rock solid to me, feel kind of like a sitting "duck", but just hope it works. My office is in my house but not in the basement. Hope the rest of you are doing OK. I know north of here got hit much harder. - diane ############################### - MARS/VENUS: GET YOUR MOJO WORKING..... > Diane, > I cannot believe this. Last year I went to John Gray's presentation about his > food supplements and bought them. Never opened them. After listening to him > again this year in Atlanta, I decided to try them. > > Well, my energy level is up and my calmness is up. I am prone to > anxiety. Some how this calmed me down greatly. Has been incredibly helpful > finishing up my two grants! > > I thought to pass this on to you but also writing to tell you it was a great > conference!!! The opening ceremony set the tone that carried through the whole > conference. People kept saying to one another -- "you are a miracle". Hedy > was a great way to start us off. Kindness abounded. I am so glad to be a part > of this. > > Carolyn Curtis, Sacramento Healthy Marriage Initiative > And, I can't believe YOUR email! I did exactly the same thing but I don't know if I'd have shared it if I hadn't received your email. I, too, got the John Gray supplements last year in Dallas and meant to try them, but got busy and never got around to it. I figured that I eat healthy and am not depressed or sick and I was just too busy to open the directions and figure it out. But, this year, for some reason decided to try it. I guess I was curious after seeing him, again, sell completely out of product in just an hour and because it does make sense as he says: that communication and conflict management skills are wonderful, but we also need to feel good. I also believe that hormones and brain chemistry go south as we age - and our foundations get "porous" and start leaking. I started the supplements the day I got home, and agree, I'm so energized, upbeat and happy that my flooded basement and the post-conference "flood" isn't getting to me. How interesting that we both delayed a year. Maybe marketers wouldn't be surprised - maybe you have to hear about something this radical a few times before you'll try it. I'm taking all three products - the super "cleanse", the trace minerals, and the super shake. I must have been missing something - some mineral or chemical - or, maybe it's the trace amount of Lithium. I want to make clear that John Gray has never asked me to endorse these products and I don't mean this as endorsement - just feel it's good to share something when it "rings your bell". Those of you that didn't hear John's sessions might want to check then out: "Mars/Venus: Get Your Mojo Working" keynote and his 2 hour seminar "Mars/Venus Communication Skills" which he actually turned into a continuation of the keynote and talked more about the brain/body chemistry, exercises and supplements than he did about communication skills which massively annoyed some attendees. I guess half of you were delighted and bought the supplements and half of you were annoyed that he even has a "product" that isn't DVDs about communication skills, which all the other "products" consist of. His new 9-Day Makeover program is all about how food effects Mars/male and Venus/female brains differently and the supplements are different - a set for women and a set for men. The recordings of these two sessions were among the top 10 Best Sellers at the conference, so plenty of those attending thought they were worth listening to again. To order the DVD or CDs - keynote is #756-011 and workshop is #756-803 - at 800-241-7785. Or, go right to the Mars/Venus site for information on the 9-Day Relationship Makeover Program and "supplements". He also tells people how to make the supplements - how to assemble them themselves if they don't want to buy the preassembled "shake" - on the site: http://www.marsvenus.com/dieting/ I'm curious to hear from others that bought and tried the supplements. Did any of you try them and have no effect? Or, a negative effect? And, gotta admit this is new - Carolyn Curtis and I only just started........ - diane #################################### - POSTER SESSIONS/VOLUNTEERING/EXHIBITS/PRESENTING, ETC I going to share a few emails from conference participants so you can catch the excitement and start planning to join us in Denver. There are many ways to participate - posters, exhibits, presenting, networking, volunteering. - diane - POSTERS > Diane: > This was my first Smart Marriages Conference (for a variety of reasons, I was > not able to attend previously), and I was struck by several things. First, I > am much more accustomed to psychological conferences, which tend to be quite > academic and at times esoteric --- this conference was refreshing in that it > was intelligent, and yet inviting, accessible and informative. Secondly, I > was able to present a poster and the poster format was quite different (from > the 20 + others I have presented at APA and MPA), and I must say, I enjoyed > the opportunity to present some information without the need to be present at > the poster for a designated period of time. But probably the thing that most > struck me was the way in which you have somehow been able to bring together a > variety of people from several different disciplines / perspectives / > employment / ideologies and get them to work together in a cooperative effort. > I am so accustomed to everyone working off in their own separate silos with > very little "cross pollination" --- the Smart Marriages Conference was a > refreshing change --- and I walked away with the impression that much of the > credit goes to you. Thank you. I did cross paths with you several times at > the conference, but each time either the line of people waiting to talk with > you was quite long or else you were scurrying from one commitment to another, > so I decided not to add one more thing to your already hectic schedule by > introducing myself to you. So thank you for all the work that you put into > Smart Marriages. > John R. Buri, Ph.D. > Professor > Department of Psychology > University of St. Thomas, St Paul, Minnesota For a list of the 2006 posters and presenters and their contact info, visit: http://www.smartmarriages.com/poster.sessions.html ############################### - IMAGO CONNECTS EXHIBITING/MINI'S I'm sharing these to celebrate the huge success that the MINI "out of the box" training workshops had at the conference. THIS is definitely a format we'll repeat. I was so pleased at the response. The Exhibits also experienced huge success. ;) - diane > Diane > Thanks for all your help at Smart Marriages. > We had a relatively good time of it for the first two days - and then our "out > of the box" ImagoConnects program arrived (late) from the printer. The moment > it touched the booth it started selling fast, and never stopped. We sold an > unbelievable number in just the last day and a half of the conference. So, > thanks for your wonderful "promotion" for the program you did from the keynote > stage. > > Thank you, also, for all your encouragement to produce this new product - > which from the demand is obviously exactly what people want. > > I'm going to mail you the materials so you get a chance to see what you > inspired. > > Thanks - and see you in Denver. We will be applying for a double table this > time, so we have space to handle the demand. And we were already at work this > morning to plan an even better two-day Institute for next year. > > Tim Atkinson > Executive Director > Imago Relationships International > 212 240 7433 > TimAtkinson at ImagoRelationships.org ####################### - EXHIBITING, MENTOR PROGRAM, PRESENTING AS A MINI, DIRECTORY LISTING > Diane, > This was an "over the top" conference. Fantastic. Great. Wonderful. What > can I say?!? > > A few things. > > 1. I really liked the two hour format. It worked much, much better for my > MINI training. > > 2. You always tell everyone of the fantastic things going on outside the > hotel. In the 9 conferences I've attended, I've only had time to get out of > the hotel twice. There's too much going on at the conference to leave. When > you're at the best place in the world, why would you want to go outside? Now > if you made the conference a little less fantastic, then there would be a > reason to look for stuff out of the hotel. > > By the way, I've already been in contact with Chief Justice Sears. We are > trading information. She is incredible. > > Jim Sheridan > www.marriagedoneright.com Yes, Jim, and you got great reviews for your program. Not sure if I can keep the 2-hr format, lots of challenges and huge variety of opinions. So pleased you're connected to Chief Justice Sears. I simply could not believe that she not only came to welcome us on opening night but that she and her staff attended the conference! My, my, my. - diane > Diane, > I just wanted to reiterate my parting thanks to you for a terrific conference > AND the strategic placement of my exhibit space for Marriage Mentoring 12: > Conversations. As a second year program, the conference was a tremendous wind > for my sails. Several key community initiatives and directors were really > impressed with the concept of "Conversational Mentoring" as "marriage > mentoring for the masses" in a grassroots style program. I have already > communicated twice since the conference with Carolyn Curtis about her interest > in this for California and about collaboration with Bill Doherty.? > > I really enjoyed presenting my workshop and would be interested in a "Mini > Training" workshop in Denver next year as well as exhibiting. I know it is too > early on both those requests . . . just letting you know of my interest.? > > FYI - I am 7 months into my military/Pentagon project with the Military > Marriage Mentoring version. We are starting beta testing with several sites as > they look to adoption of the program. At the conference I was able to connect > with several Air Force folks who are also interested in becoming beta testing > sites. > > I'll keep you posted.? > > Good luck with your basement. > Ed Gray > Marriage Mentoring:? 12 Conversations > 12conversations.com > 901-681-9200 Ed, I heard GREAT things about your program and can't wait to hear the recording. But from what I've heard from people bursting with excitement about your model, and with your great evaluations you'll have no trouble getting one of the MINI training spots. I'll copy this to the list to make clear that MINI trainings are for those that have a "teach out of box" program - the idea being to spend time with the program creators to get additional teaching/implementation tips. I also want to say that I'm pleased that you found your Exhibit spot to be "strategic" even though you were on the lower level. ; ) I'm working on the exhibit application and will send it to all past exhibitors as soon as it's ready. For those that are curious, you can order Ed's workshop #756-612 at 800-241-7785 > #756-612 > Marriage Mentoring: Twelve Conversations > Ed Gray, EdD > Understand the four primary approaches to mentoring; how to use the > story-telling model; and how to organize a mentoring program in your > congregation or community. Faith-based or secular. And, yes, do keep me posted about settings - like, Sacramento or military that are using and evaluating your program. You might be ready to list your program on the Smart Marriages Directory. It's $50 but includes a live link to your website AND would also put it on the special Mentor Programs page. If you want to do this, just email me a 100 word description and mail a check to CMFCE, 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015. - diane ############################ - SPEAKING OF MINIS..... You can see the complete list of the MINI "teach out of the box" programs presented at this year's conference and still take advantage of some of the "conference only discounts" at http://www.smartmarriages.com/minis.html ############################# - SPEAKING OF DIRECTORY LISTINGS.... If you have a listing that includes schedule of dates, please send me any updates. With the post-conference and "new marriage money" media coverage the Directory is getting lots of hits and now is the time to send me your new dates or to get your program listed. - diane ############################## - VOLUNTEERS > Hi Diane! I just wanted to say thank you for such an > amazing conference experience. This was my first > smartmarriages conference, both as a new graduate and as a > volunteer. It was the highlight of my summer, and I plan > on volunteering again next year in Denver. Just wanted to > say thank you for all that you do....it was all so > inspiring. >Thanks! >Melissa Jordan Sharing this to show that even though we work the volunteers down to a nub, they seem to love it. If you've got students/interns, this is a GREAT way to get them tooled up for your marriage initiatives AND it's a crucial for me - the volunteers run the conference. They thank me for the experience but you can imagine how grateful I am to them for their smarts and dedication and enthusiasm and know you join me in thanking them. I'll send the list a notice just as soon as the student volunteer application is ready. - diane ************************** Copyright CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE to this Free e-newlsit, or change your subscription address, use the form at (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - in the column under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & videos/CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or at http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 diane at smartmarriages.com From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sun Jul 2 12:22:43 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2006 12:22:43 -0400 Subject: What Shamu taught me about a happy marriage - 6/25/06 Message-ID: - WHAT SHAMU TAUGHT ME ABOUT A HAPPY MARRIAGE The New York Times June 25, 2006 Modern Love By AMY SUTHERLAND AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset. In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog. Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer. I love my husband. He's well read, adventurous and does a hysterical rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 years of marriage. But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. He hovers around me in the kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker when I'm trying to concentrate on the simmering pans. He leaves wadded tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness but never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. "What did you say?" he'll shout. These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted ? needed ? to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love. So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he'd drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever. We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn't understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right ? our union was better than most ? and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm. Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard. I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband. The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband. Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller. I was using what trainers call "approximations," rewarding the small steps toward learning a whole new behavior. You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper, or was on time for anything. I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an exotic animal. Enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species, from anatomy to social structure, to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn't. For example, an elephant is a herd animal, so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head. It is a vegetarian. The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So hierarchy matters, but being in a group doesn't so much. He has the balance of a gymnast, but moves slowly, especially when getting dressed. Skiing comes naturally, but being on time does not. He's an omnivore, and what a trainer would call food-driven. Once I started thinking this way, I couldn't stop. At the school in California, I'd be scribbling notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf accept you as a pack member, but I'd be thinking, "I can't wait to try this on Scott." On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an "incompatible behavior," a simple but brilliant concept. Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn't alight on the mats and his head simultaneously. At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him from crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I'd set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon I'd done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked. I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away. In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!" TO read the full article: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1151985600&en=feb4e 152a5c30208&ei=5070&emc=eta1 AND, WE SHOULD PROBABLY ALL BUY HER BOOK: Amy Sutherland is the author of "Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers" (Viking, June 2006). She lives in Boston and in Portland, Me. ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Mon Jul 3 11:53:55 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Mon, 03 Jul 2006 11:53:55 -0400 Subject: Truett Cathy and Chick-fil-A - a Marriage Success, too.... 6/24/06 Message-ID: - CHICK-FIL-A OFFERS MARITAL ADVICE ON THE SIDE - TRUETT CATHY A MARRIAGE SUCCESS, TOO Presenting the 2006 Smart Marriages Impact Award to Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A, and his Winshape Foundation was one of the most exciting moments of the Smart Marriages conference - also, perhaps, one of our most historic. As I said when I presented the award, we've tried for 10 years to get corporate leaders to see the obvious good sense of supporting their employees' marriages - good for productivity, moral, and for the bottom line And, for the patriots and humanitarians among these CEOs, also good for the country and for kids. However, we should have realized that 'it takes one to lead one' and that it would take someone like Truett Cathy to realize, all on his own, that marriage was important and to do something about it. We would probably have continued to bash our heads on the corporate doors for another decade, but we are mow optimistic that Mr Cathy's example will lead the way for other corporations to follow - and that this will be a moment of change with far reaching effects. The award certainly received far-reaching coverage - USA TODAY, the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Good Morning America, Fox News, CBN, CBS, radio and papers all across the nation thought, like us, that this was big news. You can see the award ceremony - both Truett and Jeanette Cathy were in Atlanta to accept - on the DVD of the Saturday keynote. It also features the Harville Hendrix/Helen LaKelly Hunt keynote "Couplehood: The Path to Spirituality". Order session #756-008 at 800-241-7785 or at: - diane ############################ CHICK-FIL-A OFFERS MARITAL ADVICE ON THE SIDE USA TODAY 6/21/2006 By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY With a 57-year marriage as a model, the founder of Chick-fil-A wants to help the marital unions of his workers, too. S. Truett Cathy, 85, has implemented all sorts of marriage-friendly policies and programs for the 600 employees at his 39-year-old company's Atlanta-based headquarters, as well as for the 900 franchise operators who run its 1,250 fast-food restaurants across the country. Offerings range from seminars and marriage retreats to lunchtime sessions and counseling from on-call psychologists. And now Chick-fil-A's marriage and family-strengthening policies have earned Cathy an award, to be presented Saturday at the national Smart Marriages Conference in Atlanta, which begins today. "You can't expect people to do well in their business if they've got problems at home," Cathy says. He says Chick-fil-A spends millions a year on programs to help couples enrich their relationships. Though most human resource departments offer employee assistance programs for workers having trouble at home, Cathy's company is among a very few nationwide dipping further into the private home lives of their workers. "They're operating on the assumption that an employee's well-being will correlate with a higher success rate in their marriage," says Matt Daniels of the Alliance for Marriage, based in Merrifield, Va. "That's a very reasonable assumption. It's not 100% empirically verifiable, but it's reasonable." Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, says studies he and colleagues conducted a decade ago suggest that levels of conflict at home are related to productivity and absenteeism at work. Tim Gardner is founder of a consulting firm based in Westfield, Ind., that offers programs encouraging companies to get more involved in the private lives of their employees. "Everybody in a managerial position knows the effects of a marriage falling apart," he says. But for programs to become widespread, "it's going to take some innovative, front-line companies and hearing back from people that we're not offending our gay and lesbian couples, not offending our singles and those living together." Gregg Throgmartin heard Gardner's presentation as part of a premarital education program at his church before his own April wedding. "I was scribbling notes frantically, saying it was what our employees and managers need," he says. Throgmartin is vice president of sales for Indianapolis-based appliance and electronics company HHGregg, with 69 stores in eight states and about 3,500 employees. The company's marriage effort started with store managers and will expand company-wide, he says. The initial program was a mandatory retreat. It wasn't limited to married employees and spouses, but about 80% of the presentation was marriage-related, Throgmartin says. To read the article on web, with photo: http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-06-21-chick-fil-a_x.htm?POE=LIFISVA ############################ - TRUETT CATHY A MARRIAGE SUCCESS, TOO By BO EMERSON and Helena Oliviero Sunday, June 25, 2006 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution Chick-fil-A founder Truett Cathy has become the media darling of the biggest marriage conference of the year, being held at the Atlanta Marriott Marquis this weekend. ?Good Morning America,? ?ABC World News Tonight? and Fox News have sent camera crews to the Hampton home of Cathy to interview the restaurateur about his pro-marriage and work philosophy. ?He gets a lot of awards,? said Chick-fil-A spokesman Mark Baldwin. ?We?re surprised this one has generated so much attention.? Today, Cathy will be honored with the 2006 Smart Marriages Award, marking the first time a corporate leader has received the honor. ?Happy homes mean more productive employees,? a cheerful Cathy told Buzz as he geared up for back-to-back media interviews. Cathy?s efforts to bolster marriage include the $14 million conversion of Berry College farmhouses into a marriage retreat center. He also invites employees? spouses to attend annual meetings in Florida, where he has marriage advisers on hand. And Lunch and Learn seminars at the corporate headquarters often focus on marriage-boosting tips. ?If there are problems at home, you can?t put your best foot forward at work,? he said. Cathy, 85, first met his wife, Jeannette, at age 8. He had a crush on the girl two doors down who looked ?just like Shirley Temple.? They parted ways, and more than 10 years later they crossed paths and got married. To read the full article on line with photos: http://www.accessatlanta.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/accessatlanta/peachb uzz/entries/2006/06/25/truett_cathy_a.html ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Thu Jul 6 13:13:27 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 13:13:27 -0400 Subject: GRAY: Hunger/Glass/Isoflex - 7/06/06 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: - HUNGER MAKES THE HEART GROW GRUMPIER - IRA GLASS: SPEAKING OF JOHN GRAY - ISOFLEX EXERCISE DVD ############################### - HUNGER MAKES THE HEART GROW GRUMPIER Nutrient shortage affects mood By HELENA OLIVIERO The Atlanta Journal-Constitution JULY 5, 2006 In a cosmic shift, John Gray ? the Mars/Venus communications guru ? suggests that listening to your spouse's feelings might not do you a lick of good. If your sweetie's upset or crabby, don't assume he or she feels unloved or unheard, suggests Gray. Your partner might just be hungry. "Let's say you are going down the highway and your wife suggests, 'Maybe we could look for a restaurant in a little bit, honey,' " Gray said recently. "That is a code blue alert ? an emergency. Her blood sugar has dropped, and she will suffer temporary amnesia. She won't remember anything good you've ever done, and she will look at you like you are the biggest loser in the world." Gray, author of "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus," built his reputation exploring gender differences, is turning his attention to the role of food and exercise in relationships. His message: Keeping your tummy comfy can also stave off a fight with your loved one. Gray's theories aren't new or revolutionary. But many couples overlook the connection, some experts say. Dr. Vicki Rackner, a clinical instructor at the University of Washington School of Medicine, says many people ignore the early signs of hunger. Sugar lows and hunger often manifest as irritability, moodiness or being snappy, she said. "If you are thinking, 'How many times do I have to ask him I need to get that towel off the floor?' you may just be hungry," she said. Of course, Gray believes Mars works differently from Venus. He contends women are far more sensitive to sugar lows, encouraging men to identify warning signs and keep healthy snacks handy (like cherries and popcorn, rather than a chocolate bar). He said men, on the other hand, more easily suffer from dopamine deficiencies, which can make them vulnerable to addictions and driving over the speed limit. He suggests men need a morning exercise routine and foods rich in protein such as eggs, fish and yogurt. Rackner, however, believes dietary needs vary more by person and not necessarily along gender lines. For example, she said her body responds well to snacking on almonds, pistachios and dried fruits, but others ? male or female ? can get more energy from eating carrots and popcorn. Dr. Beth Seelig, director of the Psychoanalytic Institute at Emory University, recommends couples should have fun with food and get to know their lover's individuals tastes. Even sitting across from your honey during dinner is a form of foreplay, she said. Making your loved one a favorite dish is a bonus. "I make my husband zucchini soup, and other people think it's strange, but he loves it," she said. Jessica Frickey of Atlanta said she and her fianc? have learned that food can help them avoid an argument. "When we were vacationing in Europe some years ago, a light bulb went off," said Frickey, a 26-year-old public relations executive. "We found ourselves always having the same arguments ? around meal times." Now if she's feeling a little testy, she grabs a snack like cheese and crackers. Gray also suggests starting the day with a lemon tonic ? a combination of lemon juice, water, honey aloe vera juice and trace amounts of minerals. On his Web site, he lists a recipe for the Mars Venus Supershake. Of course, food needs change given the relationship temperature. Rackner said if she and her husband are having a conflict, she brings home some chocolate, his favorite treat. "If there's a crisis like someone is having a temper tantrum ? and adults can have temper tantrums ? go for sugar or candy," she said. TUMMY TIPS ? Notice subtle signs of hunger and discuss them with your partner. ? Keep healthy snacks handy, such as sunflower seeds and apples. ? If you're grumpy or irritable, ask yourself if you just need to eat. ? Don't let hunger provoke a fight. ? John Gray, Vicki Rackner A recipe from John Gray ? Mars Venus Supershake (one serving) ? Nonhydrolyzed milk whey: 17 grams for men, 12 grams for women ? Ground flax: 1 tablespoon for men, 2 tablespoons for women ? 3 almonds ? 1 apple ? One or two teaspoons of molasses Combine all ingredients in blender. Mix until creamy. ########################## - IRA GLASS: SPEAKING OF JOHN GRAY > Diane, > > So, from water to supplements.... you and Carol peaked my curiosity! > > By the way, speaking of Gray...did you hear Ira Glass's This American Life > this past weekend? An incredibly heart-warming story of an immigrant Iranian > or Iraqi family transplanted to America.....the mother finally leaves the > tyrant father and although the daughters fret most about their father.....he > finds John Gray's book about Mars and Venus and devours it. In fact it changes > his life, his perspective, he finally understands the misery of his wife. As a > couple they are finally reunited--to the grown childrens' delight. It's a > great story!! > > Marline Pearson > LoveU2 Program > ############################ - ISOFLEX EXERCISE DVD Dear Diane, John Gray also has a video/DVD called the "Extended Isoflex Routine" which is a wonderful way to get your energy up for the day. It starts out slow and gentle and gradually gets more vigorous at the end. My 81 year old mother loves it and I find it deeply calming as well as energizing. Two years ago, at age 51, I had both my hips replaced (Aug) and then both knees (Dec); I can still do almost everything in the routine. You have to search a bit on his website to find it. Janine M. Lund, PhD, MFT ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Thu Jul 6 13:15:41 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 13:15:41 -0400 Subject: Two/Adoption/China/WeddingBetting!? - 7/06/06 Message-ID: - WHO BELIEVES TWO PARENTS MORE EFFECTIVE? ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU - ADOPTION AND MARRIAGE RESOURCES? - CHINA: 3,000 SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELOR CERTIFICATE - AUSTRALIA: RELATIONSHIP CENTRES MAY HELP AVOID DIVORCE - WEDDINGBETTING.COM - WANNA BET ON HOW LONG YOUR MARRIAGE WILL LAST? - CONFERENCE NOTES: GETTING ORGANIZED - MCMANUS PRAISE FOR STOICA GRANT WRITING TUTORIAL ########################## - WHO BELIEVES TWO PARENTS MORE EFFECTIVE? ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU Diane, I saw this June 6, 2006 Child Trends press release and looked up their report: 26% of men and 42% of women agree or agree strongly that one parent can bring up a child as well as two parents together. (From the General Social Survey, 1994) http://www.childtrends.org/_pressrelease_page.cfm?LID=F28B4253-E5ED-4908-BE1 384432D744F63 Maybe people's views have changed since 1994; I hope so. Bill Doherty ######################## - ADOPTION AND MARRIAGE RESOURCES? > Diane: > > We are working with a couple who is looking for how to specifically support > their marriage while they are adopting a child from another country. They > already have two biological children. I've not been able to find any > resources on this issue for them. We have done work on strengthening, > communication, character development, etc. with them, but, are wondering if > there are resources developed for addressing the issues specific to the > adoption process. > Susanne Alexander > susanne at marriagetransformation.com Anyone? - diane ######################### - CHINA: 3,000 SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELOR CERTIFICATE Shanghai Daily JULY 3, 2006 (This sounds more like a weekend marriage EDUCATION certification rather than a counseling/therapy approach. - diane) More than 3,000 people attended Shanghai's first training course for marriage counselors over the weekend in the Huangpu Library. After passing the course exam, the students will be awarded professional certificates authorized by the Personnel Department of All-China Women's Federation and China International Marriage and Family Association. "The counselors must comprehend not only psychological knowledge, but Marriage Law, the marriage culture and parent-child education as well," said Zhang Hua, director of Shanghai Marriage Instructor Training Office. The counselors help people raise the quality of marriage and family life, said the training office. The students, from 23 to 71 years old, are from all walks of life, such as psychological consultants, lawyers, teachers, white-collar executives and neighborhood committee employees. Eighty percent are female. Promising job Some of the candidates wanted the certificates to help them engage in marriage instruction, as they found the new type of job promising, while others wanted to solve their own problems through the study, said the office. "Some of the attendees are faced with marriage problems themselves," said Zhang. "When they find psychological consulting was not enough, they turn to specialized knowledge for help." About 40 percent of the candidates have a good educational background and high income, according to the office. "Even though they are enjoying a comfortable material life, their souls are lonely," said Zhang. More than 30,000 couples filed for divorce in the city last year, an increase of 12 percent from 2004. ############################ - AUSTRALIA: RELATIONSHIP CENTRES MAY HELP AVOID DIVORCE July 4, 2006 In an effort to keep separating parents out of the courts, about 15 Federal Government Family Relationship Centres have opened across the nation. The centres are aimed at providing services for parents who are considering divorce, such as parenting arrangements and advice on child support payments, as well as relationship counselling. The executive director of Uniting Care Unifam, Clive Price, says in some cases, the centres may avert a couple divorcing in the first place. "These centres hopefully will be part of a Government strategy to in fact minimise problems, often individuals and families try and get help either from a counsellor or from a lawyer if they are getting divorced, way, way down the track when things become too difficult to solve," he said. ((They can do this in Australia and Kuwait. What is taking us so long? - diane)) ######################## - WEDDINGBETTING.COM - WANNA BET ON HOW LONG YOUR MARRIAGE WILL LAST? Misty Harris, CanWest News Service June 27, 2006 What used to be whispered among wedding guests is now a topic of worldwide debate thanks to a website where people bet on how long a couple's marriage will last. Weddingbetting.com allows Net surfers to view the wedding announcements of complete strangers, then vote on whether the unions will last one, five, eight or 15 years. Those who are particularly pessimistic can vote "barely past the altar," while optimists can predict the couples will live "happily ever after." Since the site launched earlier this year, thousands have weighed in on the fates of lovebirds from around the world. On average, couples are given roughly five years before their predicted splits. "Divorce is everywhere," says Dr. Susan Boon, associate professor of psychology at the University of Calgary. "So there's been a change in people's perceptions regarding (marriage's) permanence, and potentially its value." In Canada, 38 per cent of marriages dissolve before the couples' 30th anniversary. As of 2003, the latest year for which statistics are available, the average duration of marriages ending in divorce was 14.2 years -- hardly a milestone but significantly longer than predictions made by visitors to weddingbetting.com. There is some evidence, however, that suggests outsiders' opinions on romantic entanglements carry some weight. Boon points to a 1999 University of Waterloo study in which students, their roommates and parents were asked to make predictions about the longevity of the students' romantic relationships. While those involved in the couplings had more firsthand information on which to base their assessments, the two observer groups ultimately made more accurate predictions. "Maybe they see things the couples themselves don't see," suggests Boon. "People who aren't emotionally involved and there's no stake for them in the relationship -- or lower stakes, at any rate -- may have a better sense for whether a couple is compatible." After getting some laughs on weddingbetting.com as a visitor, Jonathan Watkins -- who's getting hitched this August -- decided to post a picture of himself and his fiancee last week. So far, 73 per cent of voters believe they will divorce, with the average naysayer giving the union 3.7 years. "I think (the results) say more about the people who are doing the voting than those of us getting the votes," says Watkins, a 22-year-old radio host from Wichita, Kan. "You've got to take it tongue in- cheek." But, not everyone is in on the joke. Among those not laughing is California-based lawyer Jennifer Weiser Bezoza, whose New York Times wedding announcement was uploaded to the site by a third party. "I was very disturbed when I happened upon the website one week after our wedding by Googling myself for another reason," she writes in an e-mail. "I never knew about it, nor consented to inclusion on the site. Nor would I have if asked." Other couples who are likely unaware of their inclusion on the site include Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (94 chance of divorce after their pending nuptials), Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman (85 per cent chance of divorce) and, bizarrely, George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein (24 per cent chance of "divorce"). The creator of weddingbetting.com, Steven Morgan Friedman, did not respond to multiple requests for comment. A disclaimer on the site says he takes no responsibility for the uploaded images and information. ? The StarPhoenix (Saskatoon) 2006 ########################## - CONFERENCE NOTES: GETTING ORGANIZED > Diane, > This year I had what I thought was a great idea and thought maybe others could > benefit. After a couple Smart Marriages conferences when I returned home with > a fist full of handouts and notes that were hopelessly jumbled, I vowed to > make a change. This year I brought an empty 3-ring binder, a paper punch, > 3-hole notebook paper, and a highlighter. As I collected handouts and notes, I > punched them and added them to the notebook. I labeled the notebook and now > have everything that I got at the conference organized and useful. > > Thanks again for a great conference. > > Debbi Steinmann ########################## - MCMANUS PRAISE FOR STOICA GRANT WRITING TUTORIAL Dear Diane, Wow, the Dennis course I was privileged to experience was absolutely stunning. I thought I knew how to apply for federal funds, and I now see how very far I was from understanding how to put a successful application together. I learned so much from him and from the process he put in place to help us through a steep learning curve. I appreciate his patience and good humor as well as his wisdom. What was particularly helpful was scoring other people's proposals, and getting their comments on mine. I am also applying for a fatherhood grant. It took me 5 weeks to write the first application with all of the Appendices. I wrote the second application in 36 hours, and my third in a like time. DENNIS HAS TAUGHT ME TO FISH! Mike McManus MarriageSavers.org ########################### ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Thu Jul 6 13:17:52 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 13:17:52 -0400 Subject: Ideal Age/Love Connection/ Newsweek Still Off Mark/Romance/Dance/Play - 7/06/06 Message-ID: - IDEAL AGE FOR MARRIAGE: GALLOP - MAKING A LOVE CONNECTION - WE NEED TO READ MORE STORIES ABOUT JOYS, BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE - ARE AMERICANS LOSING THEIR CAPACITY FOR ROMANCE? - CAN WE DANCE? LEARNING THE STEPS FOR A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP - REDBOOK BLOG ON THE POWER OF PLAY ########################### - IDEAL AGE FOR MARRIAGE: GALLOP June 22, 2006 Ideal Age for Marriage: 25 for Women and 27 for Men Average ideal age for both genders has increased in last 60 years by Jeffrey M. Jones A new Gallup Poll shows that the average American believes 25 is the best age for a woman to marry and 27 is the best age for a man. Relatively few Americans believe that women should be married by age 21, a dramatic shift from a 1946 Gallup Poll. The median ideal age for women to marry has increased from 21 in 1946 to 25 today, while the ideal age for men has shown a smaller increase. ########################## - MAKING A LOVE CONNECTION > Diane-- > How can I get a copy of the report Barbara Dafoe Whitehead referenced in her > keynote plenary? > Ron Deal > Here is the pdf for Making a Love Connection: Teen Relationships, Pregnancy and Marriage (or, as I like to call it "the secret power of sequencing") http://www.teenpregnancy.org/resources/reading/pdf/Love_Connection.pdf ########################## Would be nice if Newsweek would feature the Barbara Dafoe Whitehead/Marline Pearson report on the importance of sequencing. - diane - WE NEED TO READ MORE STORIES ABOUT JOYS, BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE Home News Tribune June 18, 2006 ALAN SINGER When a renowned periodical like Newsweek puts the words "Why We Were Wrong" in red, bold-faced type on its cover, it is bound to attract attention. The "wrong" is referring to a 1986 Newsweek article on getting married. The honesty and humility is inspiring, except that I believe they are still getting one significant aspect of the marriage story wrong. Let me explain. In a June 2, 1986, cover story titled "The Marriage Crunch," Newsweek cited a research study that described the decreasing odds of women ever getting married as their age increases; victims of what demographers referred to as the "marriage squeeze." The main message of the study was "delaying marriage may ultimately mean forgoing it." And this was perceived as a "slap in the face" to the smartest women of this generation. But the phraseology that caused the most controversy was the statement, "40-year-olds are more likely to be killed by a terrorist: they have a minuscule 2.6 percent probability of tying the knot." Recently, Newsweek's June 5, 2006, cover story admits that the situation looks far better 20 years later. The 1986 statistic "turned out to be too pessimistic: today it appears that about 90 percent of baby-boomer men and women either have married or will marry." This month's article cites 1996 census data, which indicates that "a single woman at 40 had a 40.8 percent chance of eventually marrying." And co-author of the 1986 article, Pamela Abramson, who penned the terrorist jibe admits, "It's true, I am responsible for the single most irresponsible line in the history of journalism, all meant in jest." The authors of the 2006 article added, "Most readers missed the joke." I remember reading the 1986 article and still have the same question as I had 20 years ago. Why does Newsweek think that this is an article on marriage? Isn't an article that describes the odds of getting married and a trend such as the increasing median age at first marriage more about "mating" than about marriage? And if you decide to write about marriage, why not be upbeat and quote a significant finding that has, to date, not been revised or refuted? The most supportive household for a child is one with two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage (http://marriage.rutgers.edu). I don't remember seeing any cover stories that mention this research finding, but I wish we did. Here's why: Whether a 40-year-old woman has a 2.6 percent or a 40.8 percent chance of getting married, it is a direct consequence of her decision to pursue career goals before family and/or to be absolutely sure of her choice of a husband in order not to "settle." I don't believe that if a woman reads one (more) article on her "ticking biological clock" that it will cause her to abruptly change course from career-track to mother-track. Call me naive, but I do believe that if a husband or wife with marital problems reads one cover story that describes the most supportive household for a child, it could make a difference in their marriage. The reason is that the vast majority of us married folks have problems (I made up this statistic). Not serious problems like abuse, which should end a marriage, but less serious problems like in-laws or finances that should not end a marriage. Dr. John Gottman's research has shown, "Most of the time couples don't solve their problems and they have perpetual problems." But couples today may not be familiar with Gottman's research, nor do they necessarily consider the long-term consequences of short-term decisions. With a spouse who does not realize that marriage means, "It's no longer all about me," or states, "I am not getting enough out of this marriage," then today's legal system makes it easier than ever before to throw in the towel and get a divorce. Professor Bill Doherty compares divorce to an amputation. Sometimes it is necessary, but, "It should be avoided if at all possible, because it brings about a permanent disability." I suggest that the media spotlight the research findings on healthy family life because the divorce rate (close to 50 percent) affects millions of children in the United States; children who did not and would not make that decision. If couples know that two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage is better for their child than any divorce scenario, maybe they would get help in keeping the (normal) conflict in their marriage on the "low" setting. While it is true that more couples than ever before are participating in pre-marital education and married couples' classes and therapy, it is still common to hear, "I don't buy that "stick-it-out-for-the-kids' line because I deserve to be happy." As Dr. Frank Pittman is fond of saying, "Marriage is not supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you married." But guess what researchers have found? Staying in a marriage is not only good for the kids; married couples are better off financially, emotionally and healthwise. The best source for this information is Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher's book, "The Case For Marriage." In these past 20 years, the message has changed to, stick-it-out-for-the-kids and especially you, too. That's why I believe Newsweek was wrong about what they were wrong about. And while they're at it, maybe they can work on the article titles; "Marriage Crunch," "Marriage Squeeze," you'd think it was a discussion of Sumo-wrestling or breakfast foods. Dr. Alan M. Singer is a marriage and family therapist in Highland Park. ####################### - ARE AMERICANS LOSING THEIR CAPACITY FOR ROMANCE? By DAVID YOUNT Scripps Howard News Service 26-JUN-06 Although June is the odds-on favorite month to wed in America, there will be fewer men and women vowing "till death do us part" this year. The National Marriage Project reports that couples taking the plunge have declined by nearly 50 percent since 1970 _ and not just in June, but year-round. Meanwhile, Catholic sources report a sharp decline in church-sanctioned marriages. Are American men and women losing their capacity for romance? Probably not, but the institution of marriage is met with more skepticism than ever, especially among potential spouses who are the children of divorced parents. If Mom and Dad couldn't make it work, they fear, what are their own chances? For some years now, the odds for a lasting marriage have been only 50-50, and even worse for second marriages. Indeed, those couples who divorce tend to do so within the first five years of wedlock. If wedlock were a consumer product, it would be a hard sell, even for Madison Avenue. There are plenty of potential runaway brides _ and grooms _ in America. Don't conclude that the mutual attraction of the sexes is any weaker. It just doesn't necessarily translate into lifelong wedlock. The sharp reduction in marriages has been more than made up by couples living together without benefit of clergy or civil sanction. When the sexual revolution of the 1960s was establishing itself, cohabitation was conceived by couples as a sensible experiment to test compatibility. It has long since become just an easy way to secure sex and allay loneliness without making a commitment. If cohabitation were a worthy test of compatibility, it would lead to sound marriages. In fact, the divorce rate among cohabiting couples who decide to tie the knot is higher than among couples who postpone a life together until they pronounce their vows. By some estimates, about 2.3 million couples will buck the trends and get married this year, spending an average $22,360 on the ceremony, reception and honeymoon alone before setting up housekeeping. Cynics call the spouses' optimism the triumph of hope over experience. The couples themselves will answer that marriage is what love demands. Joint church attendance is less an indicator of marital happiness than praying together and agreeing on religious values. Some 90 percent of married couples of all ages who pray together report "very great" sexual satisfaction. Nearly half of newlyweds regard their partner as "Godlike," that is, worthy of worship and adoration, complementing their religious faith. Marriage still holds out the promise of mutual caring in place of lonely isolation. In the future, many Americans may delay marriage, postpone it indefinitely or shy forever from the risk of its failure. But for courageous couples, wedlock will be a safe harbor in a tempestuous and unpredictable world, offering an intimacy that exists nowhere else, and the promise of living happily ever after. (David Yount's latest book is "Celebrating the Rest of Your Life: A Baby Boomer's Guide to Spirituality" (Augsburg). He answers readers at P.O. Box 2758, Woodbridge, VA 22195 and dyount(at)erols.com.) ######################## - CAN WE DANCE? LEARNING THE STEPS FOR A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP Susanne Alexander with John Miller A transformation in the way singles approach preparing for, seeking, and being in a relationship. No more guessing about a partner's character! Includes activities, worksheets, stories, cartoons, and more to empower singles to make significant new choices in creating a, realistic, lasting, friendship-based relationship. $18.95 at marriagetransformation.com ####################### - REDBOOK BLOG ON THE POWER OF PLAY Jeannie Kim, of Redbook Magazine, attended the Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference. Here are the first round of her impressions from the Redbook Blog focused on Elaine and Hal Braff's very highly rated session, The Power of Play. The power of play Last weekend, I attended the tenth annual Smart Marriages conference in Atlanta, which is devoted to helping professionals and regular people learn about marriage, family, and couples education. While I was there, I got to hang out with three of our genius Redbook Love Network experts, Scott Haltzman, Harville Hendrix, and Michele Weiner-Davis, and we cooked up all sorts of ideas for helping you guys benefit from their amazing relationship wisdom (stay tuned!). I also attended several great conference sessions, where I learned lots of fun info about keeping sex and love going strong, some of which will be showing up in the magazine, and some of which I'll be blogging about here in the next week or two. I started out at "The Power of Play in Relationships," led by NJ-based marriage educators Elaine and Hal Braff. It was all about the totally simple, but so hard to make happen, concept that we need to have more FUN in relationships. As Hal Braff put it, "People fall in love because they have fun together, then as soon as they make a commitment, something happens." There are a million different reasons we don't have fun--too busy, feel like you're wasting time, don't have fun doing the same things as your partners, don't think it's "grown-up" to have fun--but the point the Braffs made was that "playing" is not only good for your mental and physical health, it's part of the glue that holds you and your partner together. "People who laugh together are connected," said Elaine Braff. "It's the greatest bonding experience." But there was more. To emphasize the point, the Braffs led the room in a series of silly, "getting-to-know-you" exercises of the kind that usually make me cringe--passing a silly noise from one end of the room to another, or playing "People Bingo," for example. But I found myself letting go of my usual crotchety mood and actually laughing and having fun, much to my surprise. I also bonded with the person sitting next to me, a very nice woman named Katie who runs marriage education programs in Kentucky. So, point taken--laughing and having fun brings people together. Touch?, Braffs. What's the takeaway message from all this? Fun and play keep couples happy and together. Couples don't have enough fun. And because it's too easy to let play fall by the wayside, we all need to "commit to having fun together, schedule it, and follow through." So yes, date nights count, but also giving lots of hugs and "I love you"s, kissing goodbye in the morning, joking around before dinner, and all the little things that make us smile throughout the day. The Braffs also made the point that laughter, humor, and pleasure can keep conflict from escalating, as well as simply being a way to fill up your "emotional bank account." Sounds so simple and obvious, but really, when was the last time we really made a commitment to having fun, whether by ourselves or with a partner? I left the session determined to spend a lot more time laughing with my husband, and to keep exploring new ways to have fun together. Here are a few of the questions the Braffs encouraged us to consider: -What did you do for play as a child? -What do you do for play now? -What new things would you like to do for fun now? -What things are preventing you from having more fun? -What can you do to overcome those blocks? Enjoy your holiday weekend, everyone, and HAVE FUN! You can order this session on CD or MP3 at 800-241-7785 >> 756-305 >> The Power of Play >> Elaine Braff, MPS, Hal Braff, JD >> Play is the secret ingredient to marital satisfaction. Learn exercises and >> tools to add to any marriage program to help couples make play an everyday >> part of their marriage. ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Thu Jul 6 18:37:17 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Thu, 06 Jul 2006 18:37:17 -0400 Subject: Urgent: Californians please read: CHMC still has some money to give away - 7/06/06 Message-ID: California Healthy Marriages Coalition is happy to announce that they are beginning their second round of California sub-awards of $10,000 and $15,000 for a total of $100,000. There will be two orientation meetings: July 12, 2006 from 1:30 to 4:30 at Moriah Christian Baptist Fellowship Church, 3354 San Pablo Ave, Oakland, CA 94608, and July 19, 2006 from 1:00 to 4:00 at West Coast Theater/ Christian Tabernacle, 308 N. Main St., Santa Ana, CA 92701. The Request for Proposal will be posted on our web site at http://www.californiamarriages.org/ on July 24, 2006. Applications will be due on September 5, 2006. These grants will be awarded to California community-based organizations and coalitions interested in building healthy marriage programs. The focus of the grant is to assist marriage-and-family strengthening coalitions and organizations throughout California across three dimensions: geographic, ethnic/cultural groups and faith or community groups. In addition, there will be funding available for organizations sponsored by our previous/current CHMC sub-awardees who work to with At-risk Youth/Gang Prevention and Families Making the Transition from Welfare to Work. For further information and registration please contact Carolyn Rich Curtis at carolyncurtis51 at msn.com ************************** Copyright CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE to this Free e-newlsit, or change your subscription address, use the form at (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - in the column under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & videos/CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or at http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 diane at smartmarriages.com From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sat Jul 8 14:44:26 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sat, 08 Jul 2006 14:44:26 -0400 Subject: Gungor-deal/Latin Wellness/Interfaith Marriages / Financial Infidelity/ Katrina Marriages & Retrouvaille -7/08/06 Message-ID: - GUNGOR SIGNS BOOK DEAL - FAMILY WELLNESS WOWS 'EM AGAIN..... - INTERFAITH MARRIAGES FACE CHALLENGES, ESPECIALLY IN EMERGENCY - KATRINIA MARRIAGES: RETROUVAILLE TO THE RESCUE - FINANCIAL INFIDELITY IS A LEADING CAUSE OF MARRIAGE BREAKUPS ############################### - GUNGOR SIGNS BOOK DEAL Mark Gungor, creator of the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Seminar, announced his new book deal with Simon & Schuster. As yet untitled, the book based on his Laugh Your Way weekend marriage event, is planned for release fall 2007. ?A successful marriage is not the result of finding the right person, thinking the right thoughts or even praying the right prayers? said Gungor, a minister and national marriage educator. ?A successful marriage is the result of doing the right things ? period. If you do the right things you will succeed. If you don?t, you will fail. Sadly, millions of people today have no idea what to do.? You can order Gungor's top-rated keynote and special invited master sessions from this year's Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference on DVD, CD or MP3 at 800-241-7785. > B-3: Flying Our Flags! > Mark Gungor > The Flag Page is a simple assessment tool that helps couples understand their > own and each other's motivations - WHY they do what they do - and what it > takes for each of them to be truly happy. It's not a personality or "match-up" > test. It's about knowing - and supporting - the one you're with. Flag Page > marriages report improved communication and connection, reduced conflict, and > a greater sense of purpose. > 801 > The #1 Key to Incredible Sex > Mark Gungor > Learn a humorous and incredibly effective approach to understanding the > misinformation that kills off sex and passion, and how to turn things around. ########################## - FAMILY WELLNESS WOWS 'EM AGAIN..... > Hi Diane: > Who was the team that facilitated "Hot Latin Lovers" workshop at Smart > Marriages. I attended their workshop and was wowed! How can I get in > touch with them? > Tammy Greer Brown > President/CEO > Celebrating Real Family Life That would be the George Doub Family Wellness team - they wow the Smart Marriages crowd each year. Contact them at: http:www.familywellness.com or at 831-440-0279 - diane ############################## - INTERFAITH MARRIAGES FACE CHALLENGES, ESPECIALLY IN EMERGENCY I'm sharing this one even though it's not about Marriage Education because it features a successful Interfaith couple (and people think interfaith marriage is such a challenge); because it includes a medical crisis (which can be so hard on a marriage); because it includes the Air Force (and they were such a force at the Atlanta Conference); and because it reminds me of our wonderful Sunday morning Interfaith Service in Atlanta.... - diane - INTERFAITH MARRIAGES FACE CHALLENGES, ESPECIALLY IN EMERGENCY The Jackson Sun July 1, 2006 I thought I knew the meaning of interfaith, until I met Miguel and Bahar Torrente. They are married to the idea of interfaith. Bahar is a 32-year-old Iranian-born Muslim. Miguel is a 41-year-old Colombian born Catholic. Both are public high school teachers, and Miguel serves his adopted country as a helicopter pilot in the California Army National Guard. Six years ago, they were married in a Catholic ceremony followed by Muslim vows at the reception. Two years later, they had a healthy child named Bianca. In the spring of last year, Bahar returned to labor and delivery for the birth of their second child, but doctors sent her home saying it was false labor. Bahar repeated that scenario the next day. On the third day, Bahar was insistent, it was the right day - in more ways than one. Arianna was born normal, but six hours later, worried about the baby's color, Bahar consulted a nurse who immediately began giving oxygen. Unknown to the staff of this small hospital, Arianna had something called pulmonary atresia. The American Heart Institute Web site defines this as a "condition in which no pulmonary valve exists. Consequently, blood can't flow from the right ventricle into the pulmonary artery and on to the lungs." Simply put, Arianna's heart had no capability of pumping blood back to her lungs, so oxygen was useless, and Arianna was dying. But on this day - the right day - there walked into the nursery a visiting doctor from our hospital. The only doctor on site qualified to make the diagnosis, Dr. Andrew Juris, ordered a steroid given that would buy precious time. As the staff readied her for transport to Sutter Memorial in Sacramento, a priest baptized Arianna and family members prayed over rosaries, medallions, Bibles and Korans. "This was interfaith," Miguel recalls. "Friends of all faiths and churches were praying." When Miguel and Bahar arrived in Sacramento, they were met by pediatric heart surgeon Dr. Richard Mainwaring, who explained Arianna's condition and the series of surgeries he would perform in repairing her heart. The Torrentes were feeling like things were coming together as some kind of divine plan. But before Bahar would consent to surgery, she insisted a chaplain be called for prayer. I arrived holding no prayer book specific for Muslim/Catholic families. So, I simply began praying the Lord's Prayer. As I prayed, both families were reverently respectful. Then I pulled out a Muslim prayer and softly asked permission to read it, too. Both families nodded and, after I read the prayer, I could see in their tears that both prayers had found their marks in listening hearts. It was a faith that gathered the hopes of a mother with the intentions of our creator and molded into something much more powerful than the prayers of one. "This was the hardest thing we've gone through," Miguel admitted to me by phone this week, "and it can make or break a relationship, but this made it stronger. "Having had Bianca, we were grateful, but you can't imagine how grateful until you have (a) sick child." "How is Arianna right now?" I asked. "Oh boy," the pilot said. "Other than a scar, she's a wild child." Arianna may be a wild child, but after all that, I think we can definitely say she's God's child. Norris Burkes is a civilian hospital chaplain and an Air Force Guard chaplain in Florida. visit www.thechaplain.net. ############################## - KATRINIA MARRIAGES: RETROUVAILLE TO THE RESCUE Hurricane's effects still felt in New Orleans marriages, experts say By Peter Finney Jr. Catholic News Service June 27, 2006 Retrouvaille was the recipient of the 2005 Smart Marriages Impact Award. It's a wonderful program. Here is the Retrouvaille listing from the Smart Marriages Directory. Contact them if you need help or to set up a Retrovaille chapter in your community: > RETROUVAILLE- (RetroVi)"means lifeline and rhymes with apple pie." > A program for couples with serious problems who are distant, cold, > disillusioned, bored, angry, separated and/or have experienced affairs, > alcoholism, gambling, violence, etc. -- trained, volunteer couples who have > "been to the brink" teach others how to heal & renew their marriages to make > them stronger than ever. This successful program (85% when both partners work > at it) teaches communication techniques and works on forgiveness, healing and > restoration of trust beginning with a weekend away and 12 follow-up meetings > over three months. These are not spiritual retreats, sensitivity groups, > seminars or social gatherings - there are no mental health professionals > involved and you don't have to share or say anything in front of anyone else. > Couples discuss topics and practice skills in privacy. Blank-envelope-donation > system. Available in Spanish. > Presenting at the annual Smart Marriages Conference. > To find a program in your area: > 800-470-2230 > Web: http://www.retrouvaille.org/weekends/weekends%20schedule_1.html NEW ORLEANS (CNS) -- Ten months after Hurricane Katrina, gale-force winds are still buffeting marriages that might have been in trouble before the storm but now are reeling because of emotional, financial or other stressful problems, according to marriage experts in the New Orleans area. The Family Life Apostolate of the Archdiocese of New Orleans has been fielding many calls from couples seeking information on marriage counseling or on the Catholic program known as Retrouvaille (French for "rediscovery") that helps couples overcome marital difficulties. "We sent out at least 15 applications last week to couples who are interested in Retrouvaille," Deacon Drea Capaci, director of the Family Life Apostolate, said in a recent interview with the Clarion Herald, newspaper of the New Orleans Archdiocese. "That doesn't mean all those couples will go on the weekend, but these people are not calling up sheepishly. They want to go on this weekend." There's a simple reason for the increase in calls for help, Deacon Capaci said. Hurricane Katrina created an uproar in family life. People lost loved ones and jobs. Families saw their homes destroyed, and displaced evacuees were forced to live in shelters or in trailers. Feelings of despair and anger that might have been brewing below the surface before Katrina are now boiling over, and marriages and family life are suffering. "People are desperate right now," Deacon Capaci said. "Now that people are in close quarters they are facing the reality that they've got a problem in their marriage. "They can't go into the other room anymore and play with the computer or turn on the ball game -- there's only one TV! They can't go anywhere because they're in that trailer with two kids, and they realize they haven't been talking to each other," he said. Mike and Judy Diedling of Slidell, on the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain, have served as the local coordinators of Retrouvaille in the Archdiocese of New Orleans for the last several years, and they can read the danger signs. They know there are many people whose marriages are on thin ice and that the difficulties have been exacerbated since Katrina. "I'm hearing it from every direction," Mike Diedling said. "The psychology courses we all took in school talked about the three times in people's lives when they might feel the most stress: loss of job, change in marital status and change in physical location. Almost every item on that list has been aggravated by Katrina." Carol Baskin-Kacer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a licensed clinical social worker who has practiced in Slidell for 25 years, said she has seen an increase in the number of couples who are coming forward for marital therapy since Katrina. "It's been extremely stressful," she said. "People find themselves more in conflict with each other and they're already stressed. They don't have the coping mechanisms they usually have and they have to deal with so many changes." Some of the common conflicts among couples she has worked with recently involve whether they should rebuild their damaged home or move to a safer area, or how to care for an aging parent who may have moved into their home after the storm. "A lot of people are making decisions after coming home from work, grabbing a quick bite to eat and then working on their homes," she said. Baskin-Kacer works with many couples who have a faith perspective, and she believes they have "a leg up because the concept of hope and faith is already there in their minds." One of Baskin-Kacer's suggestions for stressed couples is to try to get away from their daily stress, even if just for a day or two. "You need to get together to reconnect," she said. "You've got to nurture each other and spend some quality time on your relationship." She believes programs such as Retrouvaille are an amazing help for couples who also might be seeking or are currently involved in marital counseling. The Retrouvaille weekend involves presentations given by three married couples who have overcome severe marriage problems. A priest also shares his story. The weekend is reinforced by a series of follow-up presentations over several weeks and a monthly support group called Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience, or CORE. "I think Retrouvaille is absolutely wonderful," Baskin-Kacer said. "For a lot of my couples, some long-term supportive work would be good for them. They may not necessarily need to stay in therapy. "The idea of going into a group is scary for some people, but once they learn to talk about their problems with people who have been in the same boat, they can get a lot of support. I wish there were more groups like that around. We really need it," she said. ############################### - FINANCIAL INFIDELITY IS A LEADING CAUSE OF MARRIAGE BREAKUPS Ottowa Sun, July 2, 2006 By LINDA LEATHERDALE > "People will forgive sexual infidelity before they forgive financial > infidelity," says divorce financial specialist Akeela Davis. We all know a cheatin' heart can bust up a marriage. But what about a cheatin' wallet? Divorce specialists will tell you financial infidelity, where one spouse has a secret lust for blowing the family's fortunes, is a leading cause of divorce. While some couples may patch it up after a sexual infidelity -- especially if there are children involved -- when it comes to cheating financially, there's often little or no tolerance. "People will forgive sexual infidelity before they forgive financial infidelity," says divorce financial specialist Akeela Davis. And those who do end up forgiving a financial philanderer end up being labelled "sucker," adds Gail Vaz-Oxlade, host of the TV show Til Debt Do US Part, which airs on Life Network. Well, "sucker" is definitely written all over the forehead of this desperate caller to my TV show, Money Line. "Linda, what I can I do?" pressed John, who explained his work takes him away from home for weeks on end, and his bride gets bored. He went on to explain, "so she applied for all these credit cards, went on a spending spree, maxed them all out and secretly kept it from me. But then collection agencies began to call." Worried his bride had sunk them into a bankruptcy spiral, John took out a line of credit against their home's equity, and paid every sucker off. He also sat down with his wife and firmly explained she was never to do this again. But, he had to go off to work again, leaving her on her own, and, lo and behold, she did do it again. "I am so afraid this will affect my credit rating, and ruin me financially, so I'm willing to pay them off again," he said. And thanks to rising equity in their home, he can afford it. But, here's the obvious question: "Why don't you just leave her?" I blurted out. Well, love can be blind. And believe it or not, even if John did split, he'd likely still end up paying. PRE-NUP A SAVIOUR Davis explains, "In a divorce, you're entitled to half the assets, minus half the debts, no matter whose name they're in." Only a pre-nuptial or marriage contract could have protected John, but he doesn't have one. Davis also says John is not legally liable for his bride's credit card bills, since they're in her name only. However, since the deed of the home is in both names, creditors could come after their real estate equity. Now here's a scary scenario to think about: Let's say a wife co-signs for a loan so her husband can buy a luxurious boat. He splits with the boat, then sells it, but isn't paying the loan. The ex-wife, even though now legally divorced, is still liable. "As long as your name still remains on the debt, whether it's a loan, credit card, personal line of credit or mortgage, you could still be financially responsible," explains Vaz-Oxlade. ADDICTIONS Davis says there are many reasons why spouses go on spending binges, which leads to marriage breakdowns: "Drug and alcohol addictions, gambling addictions, even depression." Vaz-Oxlade adds even a rocky marriage can lead a spouse to spend money just to relieve tension. Bottom line is opposites often attract -- and that includes spenders and savers. So, before you say "I do," make sure you're not only compatible in bed, but in money, too. And remember, honesty is the best policy. "You're sleeping together, you're having children together but you can't be honest about your finances?" said Vaz-Oxlade. ############################### ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Sun Jul 9 14:15:45 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2006 14:15:45 -0400 Subject: The Generational Wired-Relationship Gap / Weddings with Kids - 7/09/06 Message-ID: - SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (ON A GOOGLE MAP) - WITH THESE RINGS.... - SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (ON A GOOGLE MAP) By THEODORA STITES The New York Times July 9, 2006 This article in the Modern Love series in the New York Times Sunday Style section is a must read for those of us in the Marriage Education Movement. It makes painfully clear what we are up against in trying to not only understand, but to communicate with, the wired generation about matters of love and romance. It will probably make you dizzy - it's like reading Greek - but I encourage you to read it, print it, file it, ponder it and use this info to try to figure out how we can reach these next marrying generations. > I'M 24 years old, have a good job, friends. But like many of my generation, I > consistently trade actual human contact for the more reliable emotional high > of smiles on MySpace, winks on Match.com and pokes on Facebook. I live for > Friendster views, profile comments and the Dodgeball messages that clog my > cellphone every night. > > I prefer, in short, a world cloaked in virtual intimacy. It may be electronic, > but it is intimacy nevertheless. Besides, eye contact isn't all it's cracked > up to be and facial expressions can be so hard to control. My life goes like > this: Every morning, before I brush my teeth, I sign in to my Instant > Messenger to let everyone know I'm awake. I check for new e-mail, messages or > views, bulletins, invitations, friend requests, comments on my blog or > mentions of me or my blog on my friends' blogs. > > Next I flip open my phone and check for last night's Dodgeball messages. > Dodgeball is the most intimate and invasive network I belong to. It links my > online community to my cellphone, so when I send a text message to 36343 > (Dodge), the program pings out a message with my location to all the people in > my Dodgeball network. Acceptance into another person's Dodgeball network is a > very personal way to say you want to hang out. > > I scroll through the messages to see where my friends went last night, and > when, tracking their progress through various bars and noting the crossed > paths. I check the Google map that displays their locations and proximity to > one another. I note how close Christopher and Tom were last night, only a > block away, but see that they never met up. > > I log on to my Friendster, Facebook, MySpace and Nerve accounts to make sure > the mail bars are rising with new friend requests, messages and testimonials. > > I am obsessed with testimonials and solicit them incessantly. They are the > ultimate social currency, public declarations of the intimacy status of a > relationship. . . . . To read the full article, go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/fashion/sundaystyles/09love.html?_r=1&oref =login ########################### - WITH THESE RINGS.... > Wedding rings are not just for brides and bridegrooms anymore. When parents > remarry ? sometimes more than once ? they find themselves looking for > meaningful new ways to include the offspring of their earlier relationships. > "Thirty percent of weddings are encore weddings ? second, third, fourth," she > said. "And 61 percent of those involve children from previous marriages who > need to be incorporated into this new family unit." Field Notes By ROXANNE HAWN NEW YORK TIMES SUNDAY STYLE SECTION July 9, 2006 AT the altar of the Faithful Hearts Wedding Chapel, Hannah Smith waited, her hand extended, as Jerimy Bloomer slipped a delicate gold band onto her finger. And then Brittney Bloomer, who like Hannah is 6 years old, grinned broadly as Kim Smith, her father's new bride, slipped a band, very much like Kim's, on her tiny hand. "We want them to feel like they are marrying us as well as we're marrying each other," said Mr. Bloomer, 29, of the May 6 ceremony in Terre Haute, Ind., that not only bonded Mr. Bloomer and Ms. Smith in marriage (his third, her second) but also each new parent to their new stepchild. "They can look at this as, 'This was the day we became a family.' " Wedding rings are not just for brides and bridegrooms anymore. When parents remarry ? sometimes more than once ? they find themselves looking for meaningful new ways to include the offspring of their earlier relationships. Some of those couples choose to give children wedding bands or other jewelry that they view as being symbolic of the union, not just of a couple, but of their combined families. "You know, the circle is supposed to be never-ending love and commitment ? something that lasts forever, weathers all storms," said Margaret Hallinan, who surprised her two children from her previous marriage with rings when she was wed to Kevin Hallinan in August 2005 at the Tarrytown House hotel in Tarrytown, N.Y. "Sometimes it gets misshapen on the finger, but it's still there, and that's kind of what life is about." Mrs. Hallinan, who had been a seamstress making custom wedding gowns before her divorce, and Mr. Hallinan, a partner in PricewaterhouseCoopers in New York and a widower, bought a signet ring for her then 12-year-old son and a heart-shaped ring with a small diamond for her 9-year-old daughter. "We're kind of into the ring thing," said Mrs. Hallinan, who received a simple gold band to match the one she gave Mr. Hallinan. They also bought a diamond, right-hand ring for Mr. Hallinan's 21-year-old daughter, who did not attend the wedding. Diane Warner, the author of 23 wedding books, said giving jewelry to children is catching on. "Thirty percent of weddings are encore weddings ? second, third, fourth," she said. "And 61 percent of those involve children from previous marriages who need to be incorporated into this new family unit." Parents often find kid-size rings at local jewelers or even at big-box discount stores for less than $300. While leading countless remarriage ceremonies in Missouri, the Rev. Roger Coleman, a United Methodist minister in Kansas City, Mo., noticed the need, and came up with the idea of family medallion necklaces in the mid-1980's to fill it. "It began to dawn on me that these kids are coming in, knowing something important is going on, but not actually being involved in any significant way," he said. His own line of jewelry evolved into rings and more. The inexpensive rings, which are available online (www.familymedallion.com), range from $40 to $70. Kathryn Alice, a wedding officiant in Venice, Calif., and spiritual counselor with the Church of Religious Science, is less enthusiastic about giving rings to kids. "I still think the marriage should be about the union of the couple," said Ms. Alice, who recommends that if you must present children with a gift of jewelry, pocket watches for boys or necklaces for girls are more appropriate. "There is a fine line between including them, and its getting weird because the marriage of the grown-ups is not the marriage of the children, and you want to avoid its appearing or feeling that way," she added. Maria Isbell, a stepparent advocate in Austin, Tex., and a founder of KidsnCommon, an online service that provided support for divorced parents, warns that couples must work hard on their relationships with the children of their would-be spouses long before even considering marching to the altar or giving them rings. "Including them in the ceremony is a wonderful thing but include them in your life first," said Ms. Isbell, a stepmother herself. When Felicia and Charles Howshar married in Denver in December 2005, they gave right-hand diamond rings to Mr. Howshar's daughters, 14 and 16, from his first marriage, and Mrs. Howshar vowed to each of them: "I will care for you, love you and honor you as if you were my own. Take this ring as a symbol of our new family and our love for you." Laurie Olson and Judy Padilla, of Everett, Wash., gave a ring to Ms. Olson's then 9-year-old son, Dillon Olson, at their May 2005 commitment ceremony at their home there. Dillon warmly accepted the gesture, Ms. Padilla said. ************************** Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com Do not hit "reply" - that goes to a filter. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address with your signature. To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the column under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel, June 22-25, 2006 Download the brochure and registration form at http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.06.pdf List your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 http://www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From smartmarriages at lists101.his.com Wed Jul 12 16:59:04 2006 From: smartmarriages at lists101.his.com (Smartmarriages) Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2006 16:59:04 -0400 Subject: State of Our Unions 2006/Society Switches/10 Things You NEED to Know About Marriage - 7/12/06 Message-ID: - STATE OF OUR UNIONS 2006: THE MARRIAGE GAP - SOCIETY SWITCHES FOCUS AWAY FROM CHILDREN - 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE Cleary, our world is changing and we'd best realize it. Here is the latest analysis from David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. - diane ############################# - STATE OF OUR UNIONS 2006: THE MARRIAGE GAP July 12, 2005 **FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ** > A growing percentage of women today are not having any children. In > 2004, almost one out of five women in their early forties was childless. > In 1976, it was one out of ten. > > ?Child rearing is no longer the defining experience of adult life,? says > co-director and author of the report?s essay, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. > ?Parents today feel out of synch with the larger adult world.? Raising children has never been easy. For today?s parents, however, it has become a conspicuous source of anxiety and distress. A recent crop of books and articles give voice to this complaint. In surveys, parents report lower levels of marital happiness than nonparents. Why is this happening? Are parents merely whining? Or is there an objective reason for their distress? As the lead essay in this year?s State of Our Unions report by Rutgers? National Marriage Project discloses, there is an objective reason for parental discontent: a dramatic, but until now largely unacknowledged, change in the pattern of our adult lives. Within living memory, the larger share of the adult lives of most Americans consisted of years spent with minor children in the household. Today, however, the larger share of the adult lives of most Americans consists of the years before and after child rearing. This change is particularly striking in the lives of women. As a National Marriage Project analysis of Census Bureau data shows, women are now entering their active child-rearing years at older ages than in the past and ending child-rearing years at younger ages. In 1970, 73.6 percent of women, ages 25-29, had already entered their child-rearing years and were living with at least one minor child of their own. By 2000, the share had dropped to 48.7 percent. In 1970, 27.4 percent of women, ages 50-54, had at least one minor child of their own in the household. By 2000, the share of such women had fallen to 15.4 percent. A growing percentage of women today are not having any children. In 2004, almost one out of five women in their early forties was childless. In 1976, it was one out of ten. ?Child rearing is no longer the defining experience of adult life,? says co-director and author of the report?s essay, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. ?Parents today feel out of synch with the larger adult world.? The 2006 report also includes good news and bad news on the marriage front. The good news: for the college-educated minority of the American population, marriage appears to have gotten stronger in recent years. The bad news: For everyone else, marriage continues to get weaker. ?The ?marriage gap? is generating a society of greater inequality,? says National Marriage Project founder and co-director, David Popenoe. ?America is becoming a nation divided not only by education and income levels but by unequal family structures.? The State of Our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America, 2006/, the eighth annual report released from the National Marriage Project, will be released today. DOWNLOAD: download a text version of the report at: : http://marriage.rutgers.edu Contact: Theresa Kirby, 732-445-7922, E-mail: tkirby at rci.rutgers.edu ################################ - SOCIETY SWITCHES FOCUS AWAY FROM CHILDREN Not as much adult life spent with kids By Sharon Jayson USA TODAY July 12, 2006 The USA is becoming a much more adult-focused society after being child-centered for decades, a report suggests. Longer life expectancy, delayed marriage and childbearing, and increased childlessness add up to a longer life without kids, says the analysis, released today by the non-partisan National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. Child-rearing occupies a smaller share of a person's adult life because there are longer periods before and after raising children compared with previous generations, says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, the project's co-director and author of the study. It is based on U.S. Census data as well as cultural and social research. ?It's almost as if raising children, which used to become the common lot of most adults, now has become more of a niche in your life rather than one of the main features of adult life,? she says. In 1970, for example, 73.6% of women ages 25-29 had at least one minor child at home; 30 years later, 48.7% did. In 1990, the most common household type was married couples with children. Now, single, childless households are the most prevalent. And today, more women in their 40s are childless, the report says. One in 10 were childless in 1976; in 2004, it was about one of five. Although Whitehead says Americans aren't ?anti-child,? she suggests that a society indifferent to parenting will further aggravate current attitudes and account for what Whitehead calls ?the cultural devaluation of child-rearing.? ?People who are rearing children and have children in the household no longer represent the dominant force in society or politics,? she says. The shift also is evident on TV, says William Douglas, a professor of communication at the University of Houston and author of Television Families: Is Something Wrong in Suburbia? ?The plot more often than previously focuses around parents. Children simply no longer hold this elevated status where the plot is necessarily around them.? Workplace policies also reflect the greater attention to adults, says Thomas Coleman of Unmarried America, a Glendale, Calif., group, formerly the American Association of Single People. ?The so-called family-friendly programs that emerged in the '80s and '90s are being replaced with work-life programs,? he says. ?The terminology is changing to be more generic.? Isabel Sawhill of the Brookings Institution's Center on Children and Families is not ready to sound any alarms yet about what this adult focus suggests for child well-being. Fewer children ?may make for a more adult-oriented society,? she says, ?but it's not necessarily going to have bad consequences for children. Everything depends on how much we're investing in those smaller numbers of children.? ############################# - 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE Barbara Whitehead and David Popenoe summarized the report and analyzed what it all means in their very highly rated and top selling, 2-hour workshop at the Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference. Order the session as an MP3 download or CD at 800-241-7785 or at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com By the way, the Playback site is being completely rebuilt and they promise i