Army's "new rules"/"O" MAGAZINE!/Conference CONFUSIONS - 2/06

[Smartmarriages]

- ARMY TEACHES TROOPS HOW TO PICK A SPOUSE
- WHAT'S TIMING GOT TO DO WITH IT? - "O" MAGAZINE
- GETTING CERTIFIED ....AND OTHER CONFERENCE MYSTERIES AND CONFUSION

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- ARMY TEACHES TROOPS HOW TO PICK A SPOUSE
Feb 04, 2006 
By PAULINE JELINEK
Associated Press Writer
Washington 

They are the Pentagon's new "rules of engagement" - the diamond ring kind.
U.S. Army chaplains are trying to teach troops how to pick the right spouse,
through a program called "How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."

The matchmaking advice comes as military family life is being stressed by
two tough wars. Defense Department records show more than 56,000 in the Army
- active, National Guard and Reserve - have divorced since the campaign in
Afghanistan started in 2001.

Officials partly blame long and repeated deployments which started after the
invasion of Iraq in 2003 and stretched the service thin.

Troops also are coming home with life-altering injuries.

Many come back better people, others worse-off - but either way, very
changed from who they were when they wed.

"Being in the military certainly raises the stakes when you choose a mate,"
said Lt. Col. Peter Frederich, head of family issues in the Pentagon's
chaplain office.

The "no jerks" program is also called "P.I.C.K. a Partner," for Premarital
Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.

It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner's F.A.C.E.S. - family
background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships
and skills they'd bring to the union.

It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart - the
Relationship Attachment Model - which basically says don't let your sexual
involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the
other person.

Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif.,
throws in the "no jerk salute" for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers
at the brow mean use your heart AND brain when choosing.

Though the acronyms and salute make it sound like something the Pentagon
would come up with, the program was created by former minister John Van Epp
of Ohio, who has a doctorate in psychology and a private counseling
practice. He teaches it to Army chaplains, who in turn teach it to troops.

It also is used by social service agencies, prisons, churches and other
civilian groups.

Commanders once discouraged troops from starting a family while serving.
Thus the old saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have
issued you one."

Today, the military supports families more than any other employer,
Frederich said.

The Bush administration proposes to spend $5.6 billion in the next budget
year for quality-of-life services for troops and their families.

That includes help with child care, education, spouse job hunting, legal
assistance, commissaries, relocation counseling - programs on every family
issue imaginable - to promote stability, and thus troop readiness.

Such support notwithstanding, "not everybody is cut out" to marry into the
military, said Army spokeswoman Martha Rudd.

Some 740,000 people - or a little more than half of all troops in the
active-duty armed forces - are married. Of those, some 96,000 had spouses
also in uniform in the 2004 budget year, according to Pentagon figures.

The Army hopes the "no jerks" program will help couples decide if they are
ready for a long-term commitment and can cope with the unique stresses of
military life.

"Settings like military bases are incubators," said Van Epp, of Medina,
Ohio. "They try to hatch ... relationships extremely fast," leading to
higher divorce rates and more domestic violence.

The program teaches troops not to cave in to the pressure of a ticking clock
- like rushing to marry before shipping out for a deployment, or too soon
After homecoming.

Last month, Van Epp sent 200 program workbooks to troops in Iraq.

#######################
- WHAT'S TIMING GOT TO DO WITH IT? - "O" MAGAZINE

THIS GREAT ARTICLE ON "HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK" IN THE ARMY, REMINDS ME
that I've been meaning to tell you to check out the feature article in the
FEBRUARY issue of "O" Magazine on Scott Stanley and John Van Epp's programs.
I'm late with this, so try to remember to do it this week - the Feb issue
will be off the stands by end of THIS week.  Page 175.  You can read it
while standing in the check out line:

"What's Timing Got to Do With It?"
Somewhere between rushing into a commitment ("The minute our eyes met, we
knew...") and backing into it ("All his stuff was at my place anyway"),
there's a way to pace a relationship so it lasts.  Amanda Robb has the
step-by-steps.  

Amanda Robb, who wrote the piece, attended the 2005 Dallas Smart Marriages
Conference and the piece lays out the confounding issues of love and
commitment in this age of cohabitation with interviews with our top two
commitment and courtship experts: Scott Stanley and John Van Epp. She
explains Stanley's "sliding vs deciding" and Van Epp's Jerk/RAM model and
tools. 

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- GETTING CERTIFIED ....AND OTHER CONFERENCE MYSTERIES AND CONFUSION

And, both of these remind me to answer a question on the list that I've
received repeatedly in various versions this week. Since posting the
conference program, there has been confusion about the MINI Trainings vs the
pre and post conference TRAINING INSTITUTE "certification" trainings.   I
had a call yesterday from someone in the ARMY that MUST get trained to teach
the "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" program in Atlanta.  She wanted me to
assure her that she could get into that training Institute in Atlanta and
she wanted to pay right now to guarantee a spot.

I apologize that the different training formats are causing confusion.

Let me try one more time to see if I can clear this up - and to assure you
about a few things:

1) FIRST, you can't register for the conference until March 1st when the
ON-LINE registration form will be posted on the smartmarriages.com website
and when the brochures/registration forms will be in the mail.  HOWEVER,
THAT IS PLENTY OF TIME -- if you register by end of April you WILL get into
your preferred sessions.

2) "HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK" will be offered this year as a 2 hour MINI
training.  The MINI trainings are reserved for those programs that have a
"teach out of the box" format.  In other words, you don't NEED training to
teach these programs - facetime training is not required to be "certified".
You can purchase the kit and use the kit to start teaching.  HOWEVER, the
point of the MINI 2-hr sessions is that it's nice to have guidance and
teaching tips, in person, from the founder of the program.  It's a wonderful
luxury and opportunity.  Even longer, is of course better, which is why we
used to offer the "Avoid a Jerk" training as a full-day Institute and why
the Army is sending Van Epp all around the world to train chaplains.  But
these programs have the training "fitted into a box on DVDs and workbooks"
so this is an experiment to try to give attendees the opportunity to add
more programs to their repertoires, quickly.  With the Institute/Mini COMBO
of choices, it is possible to attend nine "trainings" in nine different
programs at the conference.  (A pre, a post and seven "during" the
conference.)  You can start teaching this great program (and 39 other MINI
out of the box programs) in your community - in schools, congregations,
welfare agencies, prisons, your practice.

You do not have to pay anything extra to attend the 2-hr MINI training
sessions.  But please note that the boxes or kits are NOT included in the
registration fee. You have to buy those separately - and prices range all
over the place.  You CAN attend the MINI training without purchasing the
kit.  You can purchase the kits AFTER the training if you decide to do so.
We think you'd get more out of the training if you purchase the kit prior
to, but that's your choice.  You purchase the kits directly from the
programs - SmartMarriages doesn't take a cut - we're trying to make these as
affordable as possible and to get the programs "out there".  Many of the
programs are also offering deep discounts from now till June.  Check the
MINI site for more info and prices - there's a link to each programs
ordering web site: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/minis.html

> 805
> How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk - MINI
> John Van Epp, PhD
> Great marriages begin long before the wedding. Learn what
> parents and singles should know about the five keys to successful
> mate-selection, and how to avoid the "love is blind" attachment-syndrome.

3) You will also have the chance to hear John Van Epp present his model.
He'll do a SATURDAY KEYNOTE: "HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK" and he'll do a
banquet keynote on Wed night June 21 on Love Thinks, his comprehensive
applications of the RAM model from courtship into marriage.

4) And, VAN EPP will introduce his newest program 'MARRIAGE LINKS' in a
one-day Post-Conference training.  That is also going to be a "teach out of
the box" kit -- but is not yet ready for purchase.  You can spend a full day
with Van Epp being trained in this brand new program.

> 915 One Day - Monday, June 26
> Marriage LINKS
> John Van Epp, PhD
> With the LINKS (Lasting Intimacy through Nurturance, Knowledge and Skills)
> learn to teach the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) for marital
> maintenance of intimacy, trust, sexual satisfaction, forgiveness and
> mutuality.
> Techniques and tools for teaching groups in churches, schools & on bases.
> $50 spouse discount. Click for more information:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/LoveThinks.Marriage.html
> 
 
Obviously, if you're going to teach the "Avoid Jerk" courtship version of
RAM, it's a good idea to have the extension into marriage version in your
repertoire -- so you can offer both in your setting.  Which is exactly what
the Army thought and which inspired Van Epp in this evolution.

WHICH LEADS ME TO POINT OUT, that THIS SAME PHENOMENON is happening across
the board.  EACH PROGRAM CONTINUES TO EVOLVE.  I spent time with Nisa
Muhammad and Mike McManus on Tues as we drove to Annapolis to testify on the
marriage education legislation and all we talked about were the expansions
of their programs.  McManus is very excited about the results he's getting
with the adaptation of the Marriage Savers mentoring model to low-income
couples having babies out of wedlock - great success in helping them marry.
Nisa was excited about the new CDs she's making as adjuncts to the Black
Marriage/Basic Training Curriculum -- one for men and one for women to
listen to as they drive/commute -- to anchor the skills and information.

IT'S LIKE THIS ACROSS THE BOARD.  Each program - PREP, IMAGO, PAIRS, RE,
COMPASSION WORKSHOPS, LEARNING SOBRIETY TOGETHER, ETC ETC -- all of them,
are introducing exciting new innovations.  Marriage Education just keeps
getting better and more accessible and affordable and more user AND
instructor friendly.

WE'LL HAVE A WHOLE LOT TO CELEBRATE AT OUR 10TH ANNIVERSARY CONFERENCE!

HOPE that explanation helps.  It seems each time I send a post to the list I
just raise more issues, more questions.  Keep 'em coming.  Please email.
Leave the phones open for journalists!  They're our #1 hope for changing the
marriage culture and getting the new info "out there"!

- Diane 


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10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
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Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
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http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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