New Jersey legislation/Oklahoma / Invitation to authors & experts/ New Harley book/ Biblical Marriage - 12/27/06

[Smartmarriages]

- NEW JERSEY: DIVORCE LEGISLATION
- OKLAHOMA HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE ANALYZED
- LOOKING FOR ARTICLES AND EXPERTS
- INVITING ARTICLES
- ONE IN FOUR SAUDI MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE
- PREPARING FOR A MARRIAGE THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME
- BIBLICAL MARRIAGE

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I know many of you are still in the middle of the holidaze - still
traveling, still eating turkey, still trying to get the plastic encasements
off your presents.  Excuse me for interrupting.  BUT, if you're live in NJ,
hope you'll take the time to write/phone/visit to convince your governor to
VETO this bad legislation. Plus, some of you might want to use some of your
time to write a quick article.  Or, two.  Happy, happy New Year to all.  -
diane 

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- NEW JERSEY: DIVORCE LEGISLATION

Diane, 
I faxed this to Governor Corzine's office today.  Those that live in NJ
might want to take action.
John Crouch 

December 22, 2006

Office of the Governor
PO Box 001 
Trenton, NJ 08625  

Re: Legislation awaiting signature:
S-1467, Irreconcililable differences divorce

Dear Governor Corzine:
 
            I am writing to urge you to consider vetoing the legislation
speeding up non-consensual divorces. I am not from New Jersey, but I have
studied New Jersey¹s current divorce law and others like it around the
country. I have practiced family law almost exclusively since 1995; I am
active in many family law bar groups; and in my spare time I am the
volunteer director of a small group called Americans for Divorce Reform,
which advocates some limits on unilateral divorce, and other policies to
improve and save marriages.
 
            New Jersey and other states with long waiting periods for
divorce -- which are significantly shortened when the spouses can work out a
mutual-consent divorce -- have some of the lowest divorce rates in the U.S.
That is illustrated in the attached study by Americans for Divorce Reform,
which also found the same pattern in Europe.  Studies analyzing the more
difficult question of causation have concluded that although the difference
is primarily regional and cultural, the law does have some effect on divorce
rates.
 
            But there are other good reasons for considerable waiting
periods like the 18-month one New Jersey currently has:
 
€ They allow time for reconsideration and reconciliation, if it¹s in the
cards. Sometimes, an infatuation with an affair will wear off. Given time
and willingness, counseling sometimes works.
 
€ By shortening the wait by a year when there is mutual consent, they give a
powerful incentive to settle the terms of the divorce collaboratively,
before jumping into contested litigation.
 
€ They remove the illusion that divorce will be fast and easy even if the
details haven¹t been agreed on. People have no idea how long, hard and
hateful divorce can be, even when they both want a "good divorce".
 
€ They give the left-behind spouse time to adjust to the very disorienting
concept of divorce, so that when it does happen, they can go through it in a
more collaborative, healthy manner. Divorce lawyers will tell you that some
of the worst, longest, and most emotionally tangled divorces are ones that
start prematurely. See, e.g., Anita Robboy, Aftermarriage, and Diane
Johnson, Le Divorce.
 
Sincerely,
John Crouch
http://www.divorcereform.org

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- OKLAHOMA HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE ANALYZED

The first brief evaluating the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative is now available
on the ACF web site at:
http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/06/OMI/rb.pdf

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- LOOKING FOR ARTICLES AND EXPERTS

Diane, please share this with your list:
The Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago is looking for
writers for both their "First Years and Forever" E-Newsletter that is sent
to 15,000 newlywed couples monthly, and for "Catholic Couples", their
specifically-Catholic 16 page insert to Marriage Partnership Magazine.  We
are interested in, though not limited to, faith-based articles on marriage
that will help couples develop insight and skills. Pay varies, depending on
length and use of the article, in the not-for-profit range of $100-$250 if
used. Check samples at:
http://www.familyministries.org/FirstYearsForever/Vol.06/iss.02.htm.
Email Crystal Sullivan at e-newsletter at archchicago.org or call (312)
751-8264if you are interested in submitting an article for either
publication. 

We also have a monthly half hour radio show on Relevant Radio called
"Catholic Families Today" where either Elsie Radtke or Andrew Lyke, both
Smart Marriages presenters, alternate co-hosting with Frank Hannigan. If you
are interested in being a guest on the show, or have ideas for topics,
please email Kim Hagerty at cceditor at archchicago.org or call (312) 751-8264

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- INVITING ARTICLES

Diane, Please share this announcement with the list serv:

We are soliciting 500 - 1,000 word articles for the Colorado Healthy
Marriage Initiative (CHMI) newsletter.  See back issues at
http://www.ColoradoHealthyMarriage.net

If you are planning to submit for the next newsletter, please email or fax
by Jan 15 with your topic and outline.

We also feature a calendar of events. Please email or fax listings by Jan
15.  

Marjorie Lewis, PhD, DMin
Colorado Healthy Marriage Initiative/CCESJ
http://www.ColoradoHealthyMarriage.net
(303) 831-4500 phone
(303) 831-4499 fax

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- ONE IN FOUR SAUDI MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE
 
JEDDAH: Nearly one in four marriages in the conservative Muslim kingdom of
Saudi Arabia ends in divorce, a newspaper quoted the Justice Ministry as
saying on Saturday.

For 105,066 marriage contracts registered in 2005, 24,000 divorce cases were
recorded by the ministry, Asharq al-Awsat newspaper said, quoting a ministry
report. Officials at the Justice Ministry could not be reached for comment
but the statistics come amid intense debate over the surge in divorce rates
in the birthplace of Islam. The High Court in the Red Sea port of Jeddah
said earlier this year divorce rates in the city had risen by 60 per cent
over the last two years against 39 per cent in the capital Riyadh and 18 per
cent in the Eastern Province, home to a Shia minority. Saudi Arabia, which
follows an austere form of Sunni Islam, allows men to repudiate their wives.

³It is impossible to have healthy relationships in Saudi Arabia. The laws
have given men full authority while women are deprived of their rights and
freedom,² rights activist Wajihaal-Howeidar told Reuters. While a few women
have grown up in relatively liberal homes and refrain from marriage at an
early age, many see in marriage a way out of protective parental homes,
al-Howeidar said.

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- PREPARING FOR A MARRIAGE THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME
Book Review/MCT News Service
'I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime'
Publisher: Revell/2006
December 26, 2006 

More couples file for divorce in January than any other month. That's
something to keep in mind during the stressful holiday season, writes
marriage counselor Willard F. Harley Jr.

This guide for engaged couples presents four concepts that are critical to a
healthy marriage: care, protection, honesty and time.

Master these and you won't need Harley's other book, "Surviving an Affair."

Five things we learned

» 1. A love bank is an emotional tally of how people treat us. Good
experiences deposit love units. Bad experiences withdraw units, leading to
hate.

» 2. "If a man assumes that his wife's most important emotional needs are
similar to his, he will fail miserably when he tries to meet them. A woman
will fail if she makes the same assumption."

» 3. Spouses should create lists of their partners' habits they find
annoying, then discuss this list and work toward replacing such behaviors
with non-annoying habits.

» 4. Negotiations are key to any relationship. "If you can't come to the
negotiating table with a smile on your face, then pick another time when you
are in a better mood."

» 5. The engagement is the perfect time to practice complete honesty. "If
you hide anything now, you are likely to hide much more later."

#####################

- BIBLICAL MARRIAGE

> Hi Diane
> 
> I am working with a couple who have a deeply distressed marriage.  There are
> issues of power and control that flow from the husband¹s fundamentalist
> Christian thinking about women being in submission to their husbands.  She
> holds similar beliefs but because of his serious ADD and poor judgment in
> decision making she cannot do what he wants, namely to sign over all her
> assets (including a substantial physical injury award) to him.  They have a
> prenuptial agreement that segregates finances.  For the last several months he
> has escalated a campaign to have her submit - arguing that in order to focus
> he needs a simplified life and her absolute cooperation.  This has involved
> withholding of his paycheck from the family pot forcing her to pay for all
> family expenses, locking the steering wheel on her car, and so one.  There is
> significant emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse, extended family
> relationship abuse, intimidation of her caretakers (e.g.: massage therapist
> who is a male is no longer allowed to touch her), and now he is beginning to
> make disparaging comments to me about my work with her.  She is experiencing
> disrupted sleep because he forces her to deal with their child¹s night
> wakefulness multiple times a night and she has become bitter and resentful of
> his behaviour.  Her beliefs about the sin of divorce keep her in the marriage.
> 
> I also am a Christian and I have attempted to contextualize the meaning of
> submission as mutuality based on the principles that operate in a healthy
> marriage which are amply discussed elsewhere in Christian Scripture.  I
> secured a couple of joint sessions with a pastor who helped the wife
> reinterpret Paul¹s teaching on submission.  Unfortunately the husband would
> not make himself available.  I have also referred her for legal advice in the
> event she moves more definitively toward separation.  The marriage is only
> about five years old, they have two toddlers and she is pregnant.  I am hoping
> you may have some resources that I could tap to assist this couple; perhaps a
> title of a text on the Theology of Marriage or anything else you or another
> subscriber might suggest.
> 
> Jim Weibelzahl, M.A., Psy.D. (Candidate), RCC#450

I encourage you to advise this couple to purchase the DVD-based program, Sex
and Romance in the Biblical Marriage.  The husband may not be willing to
attend a session with a pastor for fear of getting preached at, but he may
be willing to watch these DVDs in the privacy of his own home.  They go into
the submission scriptural issues and hearing Jim Sheridan's version might
help him see a way out of the hole he's dug himself into.  It reminds me of
the Cuban missle crisis. This husband needs a way to back down and keep his
dignity.  This will take great finesse on your part, but maybe if you
explain that Jim Sheridan takes a Biblical, scripture-based approach to
marriage and that he has created a home study program for the couple to work
on together.  You might suggest that they watch the whole program and
discuss it themselves and then come back to you in a few months.  They can
purchase the program at http://www.marriagedoneright.com

You might want to listen to Sheridan's workshop at the 2006 Smart Marriages
Conference. You can download it or order on CD at 800-241-7785.
> 211
> Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage - MINI
> Hon Jim Sheridan, JD, MBA
> Scripture describes marriage as a dynamic relationship between equals filled
> with passion and love. Learn how to put this into practice with disagreements,
> sex, and the realities of lifelong marriage.
 
Sheridan will present an all-day training Institute on his program at the
Denver Smart Marriages conference:

> 913 One Day - Monday, July 2
> Marriage Done Right
> Jim Sheridan, JD, MBA
> This video-based program teaches Biblical concepts of marriage, sex, romance,
> equality,
> forgiveness, and domestic violence and is suited for work with premarital,
> married or struggling couples.
> For anyone that works with Christian couples - counselors, clergy, lay
> educators - in any setting
> including private practice, community, prison, retreat, or military settings.
> $50 spouse discount.
> Click for more information: http:www.smartmarriages.com/sheridan.html
> 

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