I want to hold your hand / Expert's advice / Grant Writing expert advice - 12/19/06

Tue Dec 19 14:38:42 EST 2006

- MORE RESEARCH CONFIRMS HIGH QUALITY MARRIAGES GOOD FOR YOU
- MARRIAGE EXPERT'S ADVICE
- DIVORCEPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE
- MARRIAGE IS NOT BUILT ON SURPRISES
- GRANT WRITING WORKSHOP, GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA, JANUARY 12:
- OFFICE PARTIES
#############################
- MORE RESEARCH CONFIRMS HIGH QUALITY MARRIAGES GOOD FOR YOU

Mon Dec 18  University of Virginia Researcher
Finds High-Quality Marriages Help to Calm Nerves

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va., Dec. 18 (AScribe Newswire) -- A University of Virginia
neuroscientist has found that women under stress who hold their husbands'
hands show signs of immediate relief, which can clearly be seen on their
brain scans. "This is the first study of the neurological reactions to human
touch in a threatening situation, and the first study to measure how the
brain facilitates the health-enhancing properties of close social
relationships," says Dr. James A. Coan, author of the study, which is
published in the December 2006 issue of the journal Psychological Science.
Visit: 
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x .

Coan, an assistant professor in the U.Va. Neuroscience Graduate Program and
the Department of Psychology, conducted a study involving several couples
who rated themselves as highly satisfied with their marriages. Coan and
colleagues designed a functional MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) study in
which 16 married women were subjected to the threat of a very mild electric
shock while they by turns held their husband's hand, the hand of a stranger
(male) or no hand at all. The MRI was able to show how these women's brains
responded to this handholding while in a threatening situation.

The results showed a large decrease in the brain response to threat as a
function of spouse handholding, and a limited decrease in this response as a
function of stranger handholding. Moreover, spouse handholding effects
varied as a function of marital quality, with women in the very highest
quality marriages benefiting from a very powerful decrease in threat-related
brain activity, including a strong decrease in the emotional (affective)
component of the brain's pain processing circuits.

Coan is expanding his functional MRI studies in collaboration with the U.Va.
Department of Radiology, to continue his exploration of the neuroscience of
emotion and close social relationships.

- - - -

CONTACT: U.Va. Media Relations -- Mary Jane Gore, 434-924-9241,
mjgore at virginia.edu; Fariss Samarrai 434-924-3778 samarrai at virginia.edu

############################
- MARRIAGE EXPERT'S ADVICE
Michele Weiner-Davis and Rob Scuka, both of whom will present on infidelity
at the Denver Smart Marriages Conference, were two experts giving marriage
advice in Sunday articles.  Excerpts from the experts:

- DIVORCEPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE
US News and World Reports
By Diane Cole
December 17, 2006

With about 1 out of every 2 first marriages ending in divorce, is there a
single piece of advice that would help couples not only divorceproof their
relationship but also make it more contented? (Steady but stale is not the
same as hearty and hale.) We asked leading marriage gurus for their advice,
and the experts agreed the answer's right at the top of the alphabet: The
letter "A" is not just for affection; it's also for appreciation. . . .
 . . . . 
Decency. One way to do that is to "live by the stranger standard," says
Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage therapist, author of Divorce Busting, and
founder of Divorcebusting.com. "Like letting someone with only one item go
ahead of you in the supermarket line," she says, "bring home to your spouse
the decency and kindness you would show to someone you just met."

This isn't to say that arguments won't happen-all marriages have intense ups
and downs. But when they do, rather than nitpicking, try a little tact with
some perspective thrown in for good measure. "Do something that doesn't come
naturally to us-give credit to what's working," says Weiner-Davis.
"Celebrate the small, positive things in the relationship, notice and
comment on what's going well." It's not just that positive reinforcement-not
criticism-"is the best, fastest, most efficient way of changing someone
else's behavior," she says. When partners feel valued, they are less
inclined to jump to negative conclusions when something goes wrong ("He
forgot my birthday, he really doesn't care"), and more likely to give each
other the benefit of the doubt ("It's been so hectic around here, I forgot
it myself"). . . . .

##############################
- MARRIAGE IS NOT BUILT ON SURPRISES
New York Times
December 17, 2006
By ERIC V. COPAGE

IN love, as in other matters, what you don't know may hurt you. Amanda
Campo and Todd Johnson realized that last April, when the two
28-year-olds participated in Catholic Engaged Encounter, a retreat with
44 other couples who were planning to marry in the Roman Catholic Church.
They remembered being surprised that so many of the couples seemed so
seriously out of sync.

For instance, when the couples were asked whether they would start a
family within a year of their marriage, nearly three-quarters said they
hadn't discussed the timing and were in disagreement on that point,
recalled Ms. Campo, a graphic designer in San Francisco  . . . .

"That's a big thing to talk about," said Ms. Campo, adding that she and
Mr. Johnson had decided around the time of their engagement to wait
three to four years after the marriage before having children.

Even so, Ms. Campo and Mr. Johnson, who had known each other for six
years and were raised in the same cultural and religious traditions, had
obvious issues that they hadn't addressed. For instance, who would
manage the money in their marriage?

. . . "For us, out of all the questions, we were 85 percent the same,"
said Ms. Campo, who married Mr. Johnson in October. "But a lot of
couples were 85 percent different."

For too many couples, the spouses-to-be assume that they know each other
and the ground rules for their marriages, experts say. And sometimes
those heading to the altar dodge important questions because they don't
want to rock the boat.

A commitment to fidelity, for example, is a crucial issue, but one that
is rarely addressed, said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the
National Institute of Relationship Enhancement in Bethesda, Md. "It's
important to make those implicit assumptions about fidelity explicit,"
he said. "Once the commitment to faithfulness is made explicit, it
becomes more difficult psychologically to engage rationalizations."

##########################
GRANT WRITING WORKSHOP, GREENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA, JANUARY 12:
Only $30 and includes lunch and workbook and full-day lab:
"Grant Writing Lab: Money for Healthy Marriage Efforts"

David Mills of We Care America will walk you through the grant writing
process a step at a time. Each participant will leave with a draft of a
grant proposal tailored to their specifics. For applications to state,
federal or foundation/corporate founding.

Everyone is welcome - you do not have to be NC residents, and you can be at
any level of grant experience - from novice to sophisticated.

Sponsored by the Family Life Council. A lunch meeting will take place for
those interested in being involved in the NC Healthy Marriage Coalition.
Call Cynthia Dorman, Executive Director of the Family Life Council at 336
333-6890 ext. 224. Check our website:
http://www.gcmarriage.org/events/gwl-home.htm

###########################
- OFFICE PARTIES

Many comments about the office parties article, will include one to
illustrate. But the point of most of them is that it's fine for me to
encourage spouses to attend BUT that there are still many
firms/universities/companies that specifically exclude or strongly
discourage spouse attendance at holiday parties and at "training retreats"
throughout the year.  I know this has been discussed on the list in the
past, but each time I hear it I find it hard to believe. Maybe in addition
to trying to get corporations to offer marriage education classes we should
draw up a list of "marriage friendly" policies for the workplace.  - diane

> Diane,
> I had to comment on the "office party" piece.  My husband used to work for
> Staples and that company encourages annual sales meetings that include
> "dancing" at locations such as cruises and islands that in my mind encourage
> infidelity.  Spouses are never included at anything. Period.  Years ago,
> several big wigs at Staples had relationships with members of their staff and
> it was no wonder.  I love to send this piece to "office party" to the CEO of
> Staples. 
> Beverly S.

**************************
Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com  Do not hit
"reply" - that goes to a filter.  This is a moderated list. Replies are read
by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be
shared with the list.  PLEASE include your email address with your
signature. 

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.