Marriage Over 35/ Retirement Stresses Long-Term Marriage/ Grandparents and Divorce - 8/06

Tue Aug 29 08:10:01 EDT 2006

- A THEME FOR DENVER?
- MARRIAGE OVER 35
- RETIREMENT PUTS STRESS ON LONG-TERM MARRIAGES
- GRANDPARENTS STRUGGLE TO HOLD ON AFTER DIVORCE

- A THEME FOR DENVER?
These three posts focus on folks past middle age, something many of you
requested "more of" on your conference evaluations.  Send ideas, contacts,
etc. And, btw, the conference application is on the website. Go to
smartmarriages.com, click conference and it's at top of middle column.  Due
in Oct.  - diane 

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- MARRIAGE OVER 35

> Hi Diane,
>  
> Thanks again for the wonderful conference in June. This was my third
> conference and I am amazed at the depth of speakers and the organization of
> the event which makes it run like a clock.
>  
> I am e-mailing today looking for any information/research that specifically
> addresses people getting married when they are older - say over 45 years?
>  
> I am also looking for information/research on couples where one has been
> married and one has not. I wondered if there were any statistics
> on success/failure or specific programs recommended, for these couples.
>  
> I am the Program Director in the Office for Family Ministry for the Diocese of
> Hamilton that deals with the whole area of marriage preparation and marriage
> enrichment and these two situations have been coming up more and more lately.
>  
> I appreciate any help you or the list may be able to offer.
> Teresa Hartnett
> Program Director
> Office for Family Ministry
> Diocese of Hamilton
> 905-528-7988 ext. 250

Teresa, I'll share your inquiry with the list.   I've got one such book on
my shelf "Marrying After 35" (2003 InterVarsity Press) by a couple, Kay
Strom & Dan Kline that write from their own experience and also from
interviews with couples who married for the first or second time when they
were "from mid-thirties to eighties".   I've only skimmed it but it looks
practical and helpful - they cite all our usual experts/websites so they
also seem credible.   Maybe I should see if they want to present in Denver?
Anyway, please share any resources you come up with so I can share the
compilation with the list and to recommend for Denver program.  As we all
live longer, we're bound to see increases in this challenge. Strom/Kline,
themselves, married late after being divorced and widowed. - diane

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- RETIREMENT PUTS STRESS ON LONG-TERM MARRIAGES
By Jane Glenn Haas
The Orange County Register
August 29, 2006

> Mary Louise Floyd, a retired educator, says she can help couples energize
> their midlife relationships. Her book, "Retired with Husband: Superwoman's New
> Challenge" 
- Mary Floyd sounds like someone we should invite to present in Denver.
- diane  

I like to say that WomanSage, the non-profit organization that creates
community for women at midlife, was actually founded by a man. The man was
my late husband, Bob, who announced one day, "I think I'll retire and we can
open a bed and breakfast."

I felt as if someone had shoved a bowling ball in my gut.

The man I married 25 years ago - the guy who knew I hated housework -
expected me to spend my old age cleaning out toilets while he shared sherry
and munchies with strangers!

When I realized I had my own retirement funding, I suggested Bob go ahead
open a B&B and I would visit him on the weekend. That led me to a survey on
how our lives are different from our mother's - i.e. we have our own money -
and WomanSage is the result.

I'm not the first - nor the last - graying career-woman-wife who hoped to
both redefine retirement and also enjoy a different relationship with a
spouse.

Unlike my mother, I had plans for my life that did not include waiting on a
man. Bob, bless his heart, gave me those options - applauding the formation
of WomanSage (see www.womansage.com) and spending some of his free time
doing the laundry.

But many wives are not so lucky.

Read Jed Diamond's blog on www.thirdage.com. On May 8, he wrote about the
"retired husband syndrome: are women getting sick of their husbands?" He
points out divorce among seniors in Japan is soaring - 41,948 divorces in
2000 compared with 20,435 in 1985 - and says most are instigated by wives.

In Japan retirement cuts off men from longtime office social networks,
leaving them virtually friendless. Japanese wives say they are turned into
servants. They develop physical ailments psychiatrists diagnose as
stress-related "Retired Husband Syndrome."

"I see similar stresses going with couples here in the U.S.," says Diamond,
a psychotherapist who specializes in issues involving men at midlife. "Many
long-term relationships fall apart just at the time the couple has the
freedom to enjoy each other the most."
. . . . . 

Now Mary Louise Floyd, a retired educator, says she can help couples
energize their midlife relationships. Her book, "Retired with Husband:
Superwoman's New Challenge" has just been released by VanderWyk& Burnham.
Floyd talks about developing "partnership marriages" and using corporate
restructuring strategy. You know, stuff like vision statements, goals and
objectives for making lifestyle changes.

At 61, after 29 years of marriage, Floyd isn't about to give up on her
husband. "We both think very young and we realize we have three decades of
retirement life ahead of us," she tells me. "This has never been experienced
by any generation in human history."

Floyd believes women have to lead men to the joys of a second adulthood. Men
are more defined by work, she says, and women are better able to be
"transition survivors."

. . . .

Women have a need to live with someone who responds to these suppressed
goals, she says. "The point is, if we are going to live with him another 30
years, we have the right to ask him to communicate with us."

And when she says "communicate," she doesn't mean "yes, dear." . . . .

"Men married women they wanted to partner with in life but they got their
modeling from their fathers," Floyd says. "They don't know much about home
management. They need to be worked into the daily scenario.

"I managed to do it. I managed to teach my husband how to grill and
microwave and he can do laundry - sort of."

Her book lays out skill sets and exercises for both men and women. . . . .

To read the article, visit:
http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/newssentinel/15387775.htm

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- GRANDPARENTS STRUGGLE TO HOLD ON AFTER DIVORCE
St Petersburg Times
By RACHEL POLLACK
August 29, 2006

> It is well known that children are at risk when their parents divorce. At risk
> too, is my once harmonious relationship with my grandchildren. Unconditional
> time and love are all I have to give. I fear that time has been fractured.
> 
> Since my son's divorce, I haven't quite adapted or regained my equilibrium.
> I've told myself many times to be mature and sensible, in order to be able to
> help my son and most of all, my grandchildren. I know it will take strength to
> find perspective and time for me to try to help heal the broken hearts.
> 
> Not that I ever thought about such grief as I celebrated the garden wedding of
> my son and his bride. Nor when I held my first grandchild in my arms - and the
> second, and the third.
> 
> But when my son told me the sad news that he and his wife were separating, I
> cried. I wanted to tell him that all was not lost; their marriage wasn't over
> yet. . . .

> And during the early stages of their separation, I felt as vulnerable, angry
> and hurt as my grandchildren did. I wept into my pillow at night but wore my
> usual face during the day. I told no one, not even my closest friends. It took
> me a long time to understand that I was powerless to control the situation.

I can hear them as they rush down the long hall to my apartment: My three
grandchildren, ages 5, 7 and 10, are talking noisily, anticipating (I hope)
a delicious Shabbat dinner and eager to tell me about what they have
accomplished since I last saw them - their school projects, soccer and
basketball games played, books they are reading. After dinner, we might play
a game of checkers or Scrabble; perhaps my grandson will finally teach me
how to play chess.

These children's father - my son - brings them now. Our time together is far
less frequent than when he and his wife were married.

I am grateful for each time I see the children. The children's sleepovers
followed by joyous Saturdays at a museum or ice skating or just walking to
the library to check out books, followed by pizza and people-watching or
exploring a nearby magic store - those days are rare for all of us.

Like an elephant in my living room, the divorce of my son and a greatly
loved daughter-in-law sits silently watching us as we stumble around in our
newly complicated and rearranged lives.

I've learned not to ask the children's mother if I can spend time with them
on her custody weekends: The answer is always no.

On my son's weekends, when one of my grandchildren asks to spend the night,
my answer is always, "Yes, but let's ask Dad first."

It rarely works out the way the children and I want it to. Sometimes there
are three soccer games to be played in different places (my son coaches a
team). Or one of the children has plans with a friend who lives far from me
and it's too difficult for my son to return for the child who might sleep
over.

It is well known that children are at risk when their parents divorce. At
risk too, is my once harmonious relationship with my grandchildren.
Unconditional time and love are all I have to give. I fear that time has
been fractured.

Since my son's divorce, I haven't quite adapted or regained my equilibrium.
I've told myself many times to be mature and sensible, in order to be able
to help my son and most of all, my grandchildren. I know it will take
strength to find perspective and time for me to try to help heal the broken
hearts.

Not that I ever thought about such grief as I celebrated the garden wedding
of my son and his bride. Nor when I held my first grandchild in my arms -
and the second, and the third.

But when my son told me the sad news that he and his wife were separating, I
cried. I wanted to tell him that all was not lost; their marriage wasn't
over yet.

I offered babysitting: "I'll take care of the children while you both get
away for the weekend, go out for dinner, spend time together."

I offered counseling. I begged them to try to keep their marriage of 12
years together. I made my home a refuge for my grandchildren and for my
wounded son. I tried to be patient and understanding.

Yes, my son and daughter-in-law allowed me to keep my grandchildren a few
times, but their problems didn't disappear. The adults merely continued to
lead their separate lives in the same house. I could see how miserable they
were.

And during the early stages of their separation, I felt as vulnerable, angry
and hurt as my grandchildren did. I wept into my pillow at night but wore my
usual face during the day. I told no one, not even my closest friends. It
took me a long time to understand that I was powerless to control the
situation.

One night at my house, my son sat, an open book in his hands, his eyes not
seeing the words on the page. "Daddy is depressed," my 5-year-old
granddaughter whispered in my ear.

Startled, I asked if she knew what the word meant. "Really, really, really
sad," she announced in a stage whisper.

On a walk once with my 7-year-old grandson, he asked, "Did my daddy cry when
you and grandpa got a divorce?"

I answered honestly. "Yes, he did. He didn't understand, even when I
explained it many times."

My grandson said, "I'm sad too, Nana." And he cried as I held him. I cried,
too.

Sometimes my grandchildren asked unanswerable questions. . . .

To read the full article, visit:
http://www.sptimes.com/2006/08/29/Seniority/Grandparents_struggle.shtml

Rachel Pollack is a freelance writer living in Denver.

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