Marriage Makes People Live Longer/Marriage Retreats/China's Effort/ND Stats /Shared Parenting - 8/06

[Smartmarriages]

- MARRIAGE MAKES PEOPLE LIVE LONGER
- AND, I'M SURE MARRIAGE CRUISES AND RETREATS DO, TOO
- CHINA'S "SAVE THE MARRIAGE" PROJECT
- NORTH DAKOTA STATS
- SHARED PARENTING SOLUTION

#########################
- MARRIAGE MAKES PEOPLE LIVE LONGER
BBC.com
August 10, 2006 

> The authors of the study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Health say
> loneliness is the killer rather than alcohol or cigarettes.

> "Having never been married may be associated with more severe isolation
> because it is associated with greater isolation from children and other
> family." 

People who never marry are far more likely to die prematurely than those who
get hitched or divorced, say US researchers.

Bachelors aged between 19 and 44 were more than twice as likely to die as
their married male peers.

The authors of the study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Health say
loneliness is the killer rather than alcohol or cigarettes.

Their work looked at data on 67,000 Americans between 1989 and 1997.

Die young

Single people were only slightly more likely to smoke than marrieds and were
less likely to drink regularly.

They also exercised more and were less overweight.

Dr Robert Kaplan and colleague Richard Kronick, from the University of
California, Los Angeles, believe that people who never marry are less likely
to have a good social support network and become isolated, which, in turn,
knocks years off their lives.

In 1989, almost one in two of the people they studied were married, and
almost one in 10 were widowed. About 12% were divorced and 3% were
separated. Of the remainder, 5% were cohabiting, and one in five had never
been married.

Although older age and poor health were the strongest predictors of death by
1997, surviving marriage was also strongly associated with a longer life.

Those who had never married were at greater risk than those who were
separated or divorced.

Indeed, the risks of being never married, in terms of odds, rival the risks
of having increased blood pressure or high cholesterol.

Never marrieds were 58% more likely to have died than peers who were married
and living with their spouse in 1989.

Those who had been widowed were almost 40% more likely to die, and those who
had been divorced or separated were 27% more likely to die.

Loneliness

The risk among the never marrieds was larger for those in very good or
excellent health, and smallest for those in poor health, and it was greater
among bachelors than spinsters.

For the younger singletons, the primary causes of death were infectious
disease and accidents, homicides and suicides. Among the middle aged and
elderly unmarrieds, the main causes were cardiovascular and chronic
diseases.

But the researchers believe it is SOCIAL ISOLATION that underpins the
premature death risk.

The researchers said: "Accumulated evidence suggests that social isolation
increases the risk of premature death.

"Having never been married may be associated with more severe isolation
because it is associated with greater isolation from children and other
family."

Alternatively, it might be that people who have underlying illnesses that
threaten their health and shorten their life expectancy are deemed less
suitable as marriage material.

Also, many of the never married men in the study died from infectious
disease, most likely HIV, note the authors.

#############################
- AND, I'M SURE MARRIAGE CRUISES AND RETREATS DO, TOO

Make us live longer, that is! Here's another Marriage Cruise - the perfect
way to celebrate Valentine's Day from another of our Smart Marriages members
- you probably saw the ad for her book in the conference brochure. Several
of you have contacted me looking for "something sooner" either for yourself,
a family member or a client, so I'm including several upcoming retreats.  A
weekend in NYC to take PAIRS, in Denver to take Power of Two, or a luxury
"Love Your Relationship" retreat in beautiful Boulder taught by Howard
Markman, PREP founder - quite the gift to give yourself or to recommend to
anyone that wants to strengthen their marriage.  And, lengthen their life!
One woman called looking for a weekend for her daughter and son-in-law.  I
can't think of a better anniversary present than one of these retreats or
cruises.    

Please see the Directory for many additional classes in Calif, Hawaii,
Canada, Chicago....all kinds of fun locations. And, even if it's free and in
some church basement - it's the class, itself, that will change your life.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Those of you with listings, please send me your new dates.  - diane

> - COUPLES VALENTINE'S CRUISE
> February 10-17, 2007 -- Western Caribbean
> Join us for an elegant cruise aboard the "Grand Princess." This Couples'
> Cruise includes marriage seminars, group events such as a "Marriage Game
> Show," opening and closing socials, reserved/priority dinner seating...and
> much more! Intimacy educator and author, Laura Brotherson, entertains,
> uplifts and energizes couples as headliner of this annual couples' cruise.
> Call Cruise Planners toll free (866) 446-4218 to check out the special offers,
> and to reserve your cabin. This cruise fills fast...so book early! In the
> words of one of last year's cruise goers, "This cruise was the funnest
> vacation I have ever had. It felt like I was out on a really fun date for
> seven days in a row!"
> Email: cruiseplannersvp at earthlink.net
> Website: http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/cruise.php (for more information
> and fun photos from the 2006 cruise)

> Love Your Relationship Couples Retreats: Howard Markman/Boulder, Colorado - CO
> A little PREP goes a long way!  Immerse yourselves in a weekend
> devoted to learning how to enhance and protect friendship, fun, love, passion
> as you enjoy the best of PREP combined with a luxurious, romantic getaway.
> **Schedule: 9am ­ 4:30pm
> Locations to be announced: Oct 21 ­ 22.
> Toll-free: 866-601-5683
> Email: info at loveyourrelationship.com
> Web: http://www.loveyourrelationship.com

> Power of Two Marriage Skills Couples Weekend Workshops: Denver
> Fun workshops for pre-marital and married couples. Enjoy a side trip to the
> beautiful Rockies. No lectures! Engaging exercises, skill-drills and games.
> Includes: communication (tactful talking, effective listening, collaborative
> dialogue); anger management; win-win decision-making and conflict-resolution;
> increase intimacy, support, love and joy.
> Denver Colorado (CO): $450 per couple:
> Sept 16-17, Oct
> 21-22, Nov 11-12
> Susan Heitler
> 303-388-1793
> Email: workshops at therapyhelp.com
> Web: http://www.PowerOfTwo.org

> PAIRS in New York City!
> Passage to Intimacy Weekend workshops
> $600 per couple, Carolyn Perla, PhD
> Oct 21-22.
> 212-769-1837
> Email: Cperla8 at aol.com

################################
- CHINA'S "SAVE THE MARRIAGE" PROJECT

Here is another report on the Chinese project to reduce the divorce rate
through a massive effort to train marriage educators - or, marriage
"consultants" or "counselors", as they're calling them. Imagine getting your
programs into their hands - all the good you could do.  Also, see the July
report: 
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2006-July/003082.html
- diane 

China trains marriage counselors amid rising divorce rate
Shanghai Daily
August 8, 2006 

China is training a first group of marriage counselors for the "save the
marriage" project in an attempt to cope with the rising number of marital
and family problems.

The project, initiated in February by the All-China Women's Federation
(ACWF) Human Resources Development Center and the China International
Marriage & Family Association, aims to "develop MILLIONS of professional
counselors" for Chinese families.

According to government figures, China's divorce rate has risen each year
since 2002. A total of 1.785 million couples broke up last year, up 7.2
percent on the previous year.

"In my opinion, most couples make the wrong decision to divorce." He
Haiyuan, a lawyer specializing in divorce lawsuits, said, "About 60 percent
of my cases are about emotional problems and family conflicts."

"If I was adept at marriage psychology, I could've helped at least half of
them get back together. But I could only try my best in a legalistic kind of
way," he said.

Many married couples are riven by domestic violence and psychological
problems, psychological counselors said.

"Society is changing so much, people's ideas of what marriage is are being
challenged," Wang Kaiyu, minister in charge of Anhui Social Sciences Academy
Social Structure Research Center, said, "We should lead couples in the right
direction and try to solve their problems."

According to sources from ACWF, being a marriage and family counselor is not
the same as being a psychological consultant. Besides psychology and
professional training, marriage and family counselors must have a good grasp
of sociology, physiology, marriage law, marriage culture and parenthood
education. They must know how to communicate effectively with their clients
and give good advice.

Hou, a teacher from a Xi'an-based training center, said there are two levels
of student enrollment. TO BE CERTIFIED, all students must do three months'
theoretical study and a half-month practice and then pass the ACWF
examination.

Statistics show that about 90 percent of current applicants are women with
35 percent motivated by the opportunity to earn a good salary in this new
job.

"The consultant market is growing rapidly in China, but the marriage and
family sector is only at its beginnings," said Li Min, a training program
graduate. "We will try to be more professional, though it will need time
before the marriage counselor's role is widely accepted."

##########################
- NORTH DAKOTA STATS
(I'm listening to the conference recordings and have to share that this
email reminds me of Pat Love's keynote Freudian slip on statistics. She
called them sa-dis'-tics. She caught herself, but, ain't it the truth. Of
course, would be just as good if she'd said sad-is-tics...so many of the
statistics are so sad.  I highly recommend this recording.  Powerful.
#756-P7, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce.  -diane)

A bunch of you commented on this one, but I'm sharing this one primarily to
share the http://www.epodunk.com address with a warning: do not visit this
site unless you're prepared to fritter away a day or two.  It's fascinating.
- diane 

>> 08/08/2006
>> South Dakota Divorce Rates
>> South Dakota's highest and lowest divorce rates are found in two West
>> River
>> counties.
>> 
>> Todd County has the state's lowest reverse-matrimony rate of .3 for every
>> 1,000 people. Lyman and Hand counties are not far behind.
>> 
>> The state's highest divorce rate, 4.8 divorces for every 1,000 people, is
>> registered in Pennington County. Coming in second is Lawrence County. Butte
>> County has South Dakota's third-highest divorce rate.
>> 
>> The state average for divorces is 3.1 for everyone 1,000 people.
> 
> I found the stats you shared with the list (above) intriguing so a
> looked up the demographics for Todd County, SD.  The population is 86%
> Native American, poverty-stricken (per capita income is $13,243), and
> has the 3rd largest population under 18 in the US (44%).  There are
> more people over 15 who never married (42%) than who are currently
> married (30.7%).  (Reference:
> http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genInfo.php?locIndex=12994)
> Almost half the population does not adhere to any of the 188 religious
> denominations listed in the Association of Religion Data Archives.
> 
> So what do we make of this?  I think it's a great reminder that we must
> always be careful not to jump to any conclusions based on raw
> statistics.  Imagine if we concluded from the .3 divorce rate that
> being very poor, Native American, and not adhering to the most common
> religious denominations strongly protects against divorce!   It only
> becomes obvious when looking a little further that .3 divorces "for
> every 1000 people" rather than every 1000 MARRIED people dilutes the
> divorce rate by including the MAJORITY of this county's population who
> are children or never married!
> 
> Linda Young, PhD
##########################
-SHARED PARENTING SOLUTION
Diane, 
Here is what I wrote to the Boston Globe in response to this article:
>   
> I read with interest the front page August 9th Boston Globe article, "Younger
> blacks absorb a wariness of marriage."  It is not just black men but men in
> general who are becoming every more wary of marriage and with good reason.
>  
> The rate of divorce is alarmingly high and for men especially divorce can be
> exceedingly harsh.  Men in divorce tend to lose much more than women.  They
> often have their kids taken from them, or their role as fathers greatly
> diminished,  because of a lack of Shared Parenting legislation.  Men post
> divorce are  often destroyed financially, labeled as dead beats when they are
> dead broke,  lose their house, and, due to all these losses, sometimes loose
> their way. So their fear of marriage is well founded.
>  
> The effect of divorce on society is manifold.  Children of divorce have a
> harder making attachments as adults, as this article details.  Children of
> divorce have higher suicide rates, need more medical care, have higher rates
> of alcohol and drug use, have earlier sexual encounters, and have higher
> violence rates and fare worse in school.  One would think with all the
> downside that society would do everything to maintain and strengthen
> marriages.  In addition, one would think that in the event of separation and
> divorce that society would do its best to keep both a mom and dad involved in
> kids lives.  However this is so far from the truth to the detriment of
> children.
>  
> The court system in Massachusetts minimizes dads.  It sets up child support
> systems that financially destroys men.  It minimizes the role of men in kids
> lives post separation and divorce.  The system of Guardian ad Litems and
> Parent Coordinators is still biased mostly towards women and some men too.
> Men who want to spend time with their kids must spend thousands of dollars in
> legal fees to just to try to maintain their relationship.  If you are poor and
> do not have the resources, as many black men do not, and, some white men too,
> are then thrown out of their kids lives. The children of these fathers often
> believe, wrongly, that they have been abandoned by their dads.
>  
> So what is the solution?  The first solution is to pass Shared Parenting
> legislation.  When both the mom and dad know that they have to share the
> children equally, the places where Shared Parenting legislation exists, the
> divorce rate is markedly lower.  In addition, studies have shown that when
> dads are involved in their kids lives they are more apt to pay for child
> support.  
>  
> Society must do more to strengthen existing marriages or the fabric of society
> will continue to fall apart with more expensive solutions for society.  An
> intact family is healthier for all concerned and less expensive and safer for
> society. Support local initiatives to have marriage saving programs.  The
> Federal Government just allocated millions for this cause.
>  
> Tell your legislators you want Shared Parenting and you want it for the health
> and benefit of all our children.  Kids really do need both a fit mom and a fit
> dad and they should be entitled to have it, if it is available.
>  
> Peter G. Hill
> Weston, MA 02493
> 781-373-2500


**************************
Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com  Do not hit
"reply" - that goes to a filter.  This is a moderated list. Replies are read
by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be
shared with the list.  PLEASE include your email address with your
signature. 

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com


List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.