Chick-fil-A/Plugging the hole/Marriage Partnership/Count the Words/Cartoons - 8/06

Tue Aug 8 17:16:44 EDT 2006

- CHICK-FIL-A AWARD ON 700 CLUB ON THURS
- PLUGGING THE HOLE IN OUR BUCKET
- JUDGE SHERIDAN: STANDING IN THE GAP
- MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP MAGAZINE - CORRECTION
- THREE INDICATORS
- KEEPING TRACK
- HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WORDS
- MARRIAGE CARTOONS
#######################

- CHICK-FIL-A AWARD ON 700 CLUB ON THURS THE 10TH

I'm told that this piece that was bumped due to the mid-east crisis, has
been rescheduled and will air this Thurs, Aug 10th. - diane

>> Diane,
>> The marriage-corporate business story will air on the 700 Club/ABC Family
>> Channel.  Your readers can find their local listing time by finding their
>> local station at CBN.com.  Often stations will run the 700 Club once in the
>> morning (10 a.m.) and once at night (10 or 11 p.m.)  They can also read the
>> story at CBN.com after it airs.
>  
>> The show will feature the Smart Marriages award to Truett Cathy, interviews
>> with yourself, Mr. Cathy, Dr. Scott Stanley and couples who have benefited
>> from marriage education.
>> Heather at CBN

#########################

- PLUGGING THE HOLE IN OUR BUCKET

> My suggestion for "plugging the civil marriage gap" would be to mandate
> relationship and marriage education in every high school. We do have to
> start with the kids!!
> 
> Nancy McLaren
> Loving Well Project
> 

I AGREE, this is the #1 way to make sure we equip all of the next marrying
generations with the information they need to have successful marriages.
And, thank goodness the federal funding folks agree and school/youth
marriage education is one of the eight allowable activities.  Which means it
will also apply for the state TANF money and our "1% Solution".   - diane

#######################
- JUDGE SHERIDAN: STANDING IN THE GAP
> Dear Diane,
> You were right to cite Judge James Sheridan and his solution to quickie
> civil weddings.  He has also helped persuade judges in other cities to follow
> his lead. Here's how I have written about his convincing judges in Dalton,
> Georgia to take this step.  It came at the re-signing of a Community Marriage
> Policy in Dalton in January, 2002.  Its organizer, Kathy Schleier, told me
> that many marriages there were performed by magistrates.  So I suggested that
> on the day that clergy re-signed the CMP, Judge Sheridan be invited to meet
> with local judges.
> 
> Judge Sheridan organized the Adrian Community Marriage Policy on Valentine's
> Day, 1997.  He invited 60 pastors and priests who signed the covenant, the
> only time that a judge had taken this initiative.  What we did not realize
> until later was that he also invited the county judges and mayors, who do
> civil weddings, to attend the event.  The next week, he gathered that group
> together and said, "Now that the churches are requiring 4-6 months of marriage
> preparation, a lot of couples whose commitment to the church is thin - will
> come to ask us to marry them in civil weddings.  These are the couples most
> likely to divorce, because they have had no marriage preparation. That is not
> in the couples' best interest, nor ours as judges nor the county as a whole.
> Why don't we require that if they want a civil wedding, they have to take a
> premarital inventory and be trained in communication and conflict resolution
> skills?"  They agreed to do so.
>  
> In Dalton, where he was unknown, Judge Sheridan used a different tactic.  He
> met with the judges the afternoon after Dalton clergy signed the Community
> Marriage Policy and asked them a question: "What is the biggest problem you
> face as judges?"
>  
> "Rising case loads, with no additional judges to handle the load," one
> replied.  Others nodded.
> 
> "Right.  Now, as the churches stiffen their requirements of couples who want
> church weddings, you will get more requests for civil weddings, right?"  The
> judges nodded. "These are couples who are most likely to divorce, which will
> clog up your courts - not just with the divorce cases, but drunk driving
> arrests and more juvenile delinquency. I have never seen a DUI (Driving Under
> the Influence of liquor) case where the attorney didn't say, `Your honor, the
> reason my client was drinking is that his wife left him."  Or in juvenile
> delinquency cases, "My son has been out of control since his father left."
> 
> "So if we want to reduce the case load, or at least keep it from growing, I
> suggest that you join the clergy in this Community Marriage Policy, and say to
> those who come to you for civil weddings, "I will marry you.  But I want you
> to take a premarital inventory to help you assess your strengths as a couple,
> and where you need to grow.  And I want you to learn how to resolve conflicts
> in a way that is mutually respectful.  You do not have to go to a church to
> get that.  We have trained people here in the court house to administer the
> inventory and exercises to help you improve conflict resolution skills. By the
> way, about a tenth of the couples who take an inventory decide not to marry,
> and their scores are equal to those who marry and later divorce."
> 
> To the judges, this was an electrifying concept.  They invited Judge Sheridan
> to dinner to tell them more, and said they would invite him speak to the state
> conference of judges.  Today, judges in Dalton now require any couples wanting
> civil weddings to take an inventory and be trained in communication.
> 
> Result: after Dalton judges began requiring premarital counseling, the number
> of civil weddings plummeted from 409 in 2003 to only 30 in 2005.  Churches are
> clearly doing many more weddings, as a result.  And the number of divorces
> fell from 1,050 in 2001, the year before the CMP was re-signed, to 789 in
> 2005!
> 
> Mike McManus 
> MarriageSavers.org

As you can see, Judge Jim Sheridan, has passion and solutions and will
travel.  He's great with other judges.  Bring him to your CHMI and let him
do his magic.  He's also got a great program that received the very highest
ratings at the Atlanta Smart Marriages with many of you writing on the
evaluations that his workshop was the highlight of the whole wonderful
conference.  You can order a recording of this session and/or of Judge
Sheridan's keynote on how to organize the judges and civil magistrates in
your community at 800-241-7785:

> 756-211
> Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage - MINI
> Hon Jim Sheridan, JD, MBA
> Scripture describes marriage as a dynamic relationship between equals filled
> with passion and love. Learn how to put this into practice with disagreements,
> sex, and the realities of lifelong marriage.

> 751-7
> Keynote: In the Community: Clinics, Courts and Classrooms
> Judge Jim Sheridan, Judge Helen Brown, Rita DeMaria, Kay Reed

***** YOU can reach Jim Sheridan at his website:
http://www.marriagedoneright.com

##########################

- MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP MAGAZINE - CORRECTION

> Diane,
> You listed Marriage Partnership as being published by Focus on the Family.
> This is not the case. Marriage Partnership magazine, a 20-year-old
> publication, is published by Christianity Today International. We have been
> published, I believe, the longest of any marriage magazine on the market.
> Ginger Kolbaba
> Editor
> www.marriagepartnership.com

Thanks for the correction - from so many of you! Apparently there is some
confusion "out there". Maybe Focus on Family promotes the magazine??  -diane

########################
- THREE INDICATORS

Not a random assignment study, but interesting.  - diane

> Diane,
> 
> During my last 13 years as a military chaplain, I have counseled hundreds of
> individuals and couples considering divorce. I have always asked these three
> questions:
> 
> 1. Did you have any pre-marital counseling?
> 2. Did you get married in a church? (As opposed to a "quickie" magistrate
> marriage)
> 3. Did you go on a honeymoon? (Common among military marriages to get married
> on leave or before a deployment)
> 
> Without keeping actual statistics, it has been somewhat unusual (<20%) for
> anyone considering divorce to answer yes to any of those three questions.
> This cuts across ethnic, economic and geographical boundaries.
> Carleton Birch
> Chaplain U.S. Army

#######################
- KEEPING TRACK

> 08/08/2006
> South Dakota Divorce Rates
> South Dakota's highest and lowest divorce rates are found in two West River
> counties.
> 
> Todd County has the state's lowest reverse-matrimony rate of .3 for every
> 1,000 people. Lyman and Hand counties are not far behind.
> 
> The state's highest divorce rate, 4.8 divorces for every 1,000 people, is
> registered in Pennington County. Coming in second is Lawrence County. Butte
> County has South Dakota's third-highest divorce rate.
> 
> The state average for divorces is 3.1 for everyone 1,000 people.

I'm sharing this because I think half the battle is just keeping track and
raising awareness about how states and counties are doing.  Also, like the
term "reverse-matrimony rate".  I wonder what's going on in Todd County?
- diane 

#############################

- HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WORDS

Isn't this interesting. It confirms much of what we know from marriage
education - that thinking, writing, speaking positive thoughts and
appreciations about our relationships, leads to more of the same...gets us
in the habit and the frame of mind to love.  Bet you'll think of all kinds
of creative ways to use this.  - diane

Current issue of Psychological Science:
 Research Report 
 How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words: The Social Effects of
Expressive Writing

 Richard B. Slatcher and James W. Pennebaker
  ABSTRACT ‹  Writing about emotional experiences is associated with a host
of positive outcomes. This study extended the expressive-writing paradigm to
the realm of romantic relationships to examine the social effects of
writing. For 3 consecutive days, one person from each of 86 dating couples
either wrote about his or her deepest thoughts and feelings about the
relationship or wrote about his or her daily activities. In the days before
and after writing, instant messages were collected from the couples.
Participants who wrote about their relationship were significantly more
likely to still be dating their romantic partners 3 months later. Linguistic
analyses of the instant messages revealed that participants and their
partners used significantly more positive and negative emotion words in  the
days following the expressive-writing manipulation if the participants had
written about their relationship than if they had written about their daily
activities. Increases in positive emotion words partially mediated the
relation between expressive writing and relationship stability.

##############################
- MARRIAGE CARTOONS

>        Diane, My publisher is asking for cartoons on marriage, and
> especially on cohabitation.  Can you ask the list if anyone has a collection?
> Please ask them to contact me directly at: 301-469-5873
> Mike Mcmanus
> MarriageSavers.org
> 
To prime the pump, here are some from the Smart Marriages quotes and
cartoons page.  If you've got good ones, send em to me too.  - diane

> Toddler in pajamas standing at the door waving goodbye to his dad.
> caption reads: "Bye, Daddy! Be a good boy!"
> The Family Circus by Bill Keane, 10-5-01
> ------------------
> Man and women sitting in restaurant.  Women looking angry and incredulous.
> Man is saying, "I never said 'I love you.' I said 'I love ya.' Big
> difference!"
> Jan 28, 2002 New Yorker Magazine
> ---------------
> Two women sitting in a restaurant, one is saying to the other: "Sometimes I
> wonder if it
> would've been better having one big marriage instead of a lot of little ones."
> Nov 28, 2005 New Yorker Magazine
> ---------------
> Charlie Brown kicks a football while saying, "my grampa and gramma have
> been married for 50 years...."  To which his playmate replies "They're lucky,
> aren't they?"  Charlie says, "Grampa says it isn't luck...it's skill."
> Classic Peanuts -  9/26/01

And, while I'm at it, some of my favorite marriage jokes from the page, too:

> My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
> I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
> breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives
> mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
> that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
> Andy Rooney
> ****************
> Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
> Billy Sunday
> ****************
> My wife says I never listen to her.  At least I think that's what she said.
> Unknown
> ****************
> Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far
> enough ahead not to say them.
> Jefferson Machamer
> *****************

#######################

**************************
Send replies to this newslist to: diane at smartmarriages.com  Do not hit
"reply" - that goes to a filter.  This is a moderated list. Replies are read
by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be
shared with the list.  PLEASE include your email address with your
signature. 

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.