No wife/Living in Sin/Match makers/Business of Love - 7/06

[Smartmarriages]

- FACING MIDDLE AGE WITH NO DEGREE, AND NO WIFE
- PERILS OF 'LIVING IN SIN'
- E-HARMONY CAUSING DISHARMONY?
- THE BUSINESS OF LOVE

#############################

- FACING MIDDLE AGE WITH NO DEGREE, AND NO WIFE
The New Gender Divide
New York Times 
August 6, 2006 
Eduardo Porter and Michelle O'Donnell

The New York Times sees this as a significant "sign of the times", enough so
that this article is front page with photos and charts.  The new gender
divide describes the fact that American men are falling behind in education
and concludes that American women have become less willing to marry men
without at least some college.  But the article admits there are also other
factors in the reduced marriage rate among these men including: the fact
that marriage levels are reduced across all levels of education; male
'children of divorce' have an extreme fear of failure and divorce; social
stigmas are relaxed (non-existent) about living together and fathering
children outside of wedlock; and you're no longer seen as totally strange if
you remain single.  Here are some clips from the long article that gives us
an idea of what we're up against.

> Once, virtually all Americans had married by their mid-40¹s. Now, many
> American men WITHOUT college degrees find themselves still single as they
> approach middle age. . .
> 
> At virtually every level of education, fewer Americans are marrying. But the
> decline is most pronounced among men with less education. Even marriage rates
> among female professionals over 40 have stabilized in recent years.
> 
> The decline in marriage can be traced to many factors, experts say, including
> the greater economic independence of women and the greater acceptance of
> couples living together outside of marriage.
> 
> For men without higher education, though, dwindling prospects in the labor
> market have made a growing percentage either unwilling to marry or unable to
> find someone to marry them. . . .
> 
> David Popenoe, a sociologist at Rutgers and a co-director of its National
> Marriage Project, argues that it is the men who are choosing to remain single.
> He says men do not marry because they do not want to. As unwilling to commit
> as ever, men have been let off the hook by more permissive social mores that
> have made it acceptable to live together and raise children out of wedlock.
> 
> Joe Callender, 47, a retired New York City corrections officer and a father of
> four, has had long-term relationships with two women but has never married.
> One obstacle, he admits, has been his own infidelity.
> 
> ³Marriage, that¹s sacred to me; I¹m committed to you for the rest of my life,
> my last breath,² Mr. Callender said, describing his vision of the institution.
> ³I¹m not cheating, looking. Work, home, that¹s it. It¹s you and me against the
> world.² . . . .
> 
> For some men, living with a girlfriend is an attractive alternative given the
> possibility of a messy divorce. Many men fear that a former wife will take all
> their money. For blue-collar men, the divorce rate is twice that of men with
> college degrees.
> 
> ³From the view of the male, there are pretty big reasons you would not marry,²
> Professor Popenoe said.
> 
Read the full article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/06/us/06marry.html?hp&ex=1154923200&en=69caea
e731183453&ei=5094&partner=homepage

You might also want to listen to the recording of this session:
> 755-614 (order at 800-241-7785)
> Marriage Education for Good Ole Boys
> Jennifer Baker, PsyD, MFT
> Learn to supplement existing marriage programs with film clips, Country music,
> humor and stories to engage often neglected low-income white couples.

###################################
- PERILS OF 'LIVING IN SIN'
Shacking up isn't always a guarantee of marriage
Edmonton Sun (Canada)
August 5, 2006 
By JENNIFER PARKS

> Cohabiting not only leads to higher divorce rates, says research, but it's
> highly unstable: half of all cohabitees' relationships last less than a year
> and 90% end within five years, mostly because couples break up, according to a
> new study by New York's Cornell University, published in the journal
> Demography in May.
> 
> We know cohabiting couples are less assured than married couples, and tend to
> be more violent with reduced concern for fidelity. Cohabiting men and women
> also share a greater likelihood of depression than their married counterparts.
> 
> But while cohabitation is easily entered into, it's unlikely to end in
> Marriageville, especially for poor and minority women, the study concludes,
> and goes as far as to call cohabiting just "an intense form of dating."
> 
> For many of us singles, who wouldn't dare say "I do" without first living with
> a partner to get a clear picture of who they are day-to-day, these findings
> are worrisome - are we damned if we do and damned if we don't?
> 
> In the U.S., policy-makers are extolling the virtues of wedlock, offering
> incentives to low-income women who are serial cohabiters, and least likely to
> marry, to help end the cycle of poverty.
> 
> This program includes marriage education to help couples develop healthy
> communication skills to resolve conflict without physical or emotional
> violence.
> 
> There's no doubt this, and a gravitation toward partnership rather than
> personal autonomy, will help a relationship grow a backbone, which it needs to
> last anyway.
> 
> But at the heart of cohabitation's instability is the passivity and
> short-sightedness with which many of us enter into these living arrangements.

Read the full article at:
http://www.edmontonsun.com/Entertainment/OtherEntertainment/2006/08/05/17204
61-sun.html

############################
- E-HARMONY CAUSING DISHARMONY?

> Does anyone else feel uncomfortable when you are sitting there watching TV
> with your spouse and one of these increasingly aggressive "E-Harmony"
> commercials come on to tempt couples into thinking the grass may be greener on
> the other side? 
> 
> Today I heard one that beat all. The man (I don't know his name) claimed that
> "if you are a man tired of sitting there alone watching football, E-Harmony
> can even find you a mate who will watch it with you!"
> 
> These commercials can be damaging to a married couple who are already
> struggling with having incompatibilities. According to E-Harmony, you can
> practically order the person you want and get it.
> 
> Sorry, but I just do not think we are quite in the Stepford age yet, although
> the commercials are getting aggressive enough that they just could tip the
> scales in the favor of a divorce with a couple who are precariously trying
> hard to hold it together....
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, E-Harmony is an enemy to marriage and they should be
> watched, and protested against in their marketing strategies.
> Kemila
> 

I've long said this was a problem - a danger.  The internet matchmaker
services imply that it's all about finding the right partner (soulmate) and
then marriage will be all harmony and bliss. And, those sitting on the couch
already married are apt to think, "That's where I went wrong! I didn't use
one of these services that would have matched me up with the right person.
No wonder I'm not happy. I didn't use an inventory last time, will do it
next time."  You don't just find a soulmate, you create a soulmate
relationship after years of marriage.  - diane
#################################
- THE BUSINESS OF LOVE
The Business of Love & The Business of Love Workbook
by Dr. John Curtis
IOD Press

(I've not seen this book.  Have you? - diane)

Subtitled: 9 Best Practices for Improving the Bottom Line of Your
Relationship

With the high incidence of divorce and separation in America, many wonder,
"Why can't I have a good relationship?" Now, The Business of Love lays out
an effective plan for marriage and other relationships, based upon nine best
practices from the world of business.

The supplemental workbook presents activities and worksheets discussed in
the book.  The workbook's logical guidelines take you through creating a
marital vision statement and measurable objectives, and marital job
descriptions (marriage is not just "being together").

****The book also documents the impact that the current marital crisis in
having on businesses. Companies that disregard the work/life balance needs
of their employees contribute to the stress in the employees' marriages. Dr.
Curtis' research shows that as marital satisfaction declines, so does
employee commitment to their employer.

**************************
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