More secrets - 7/06

Sat Aug 5 14:04:09 EDT 2006

- THE SECRETS 
- WHY DO I VERBALLY PUT DOWN MY SPOUSE?
- HOUSEWORK AND HARMONY

Here are two brand new articles by Scott Haltzman and here is a description
of his Master Session from the Smart Marriages Conference.  You can order it
on DVD, CD or MP3 at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> 755-501
> The Secrets of Happily Married Men
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> What makes a man a good husband? Help men learn the secrets to winning their
> wives¹ hearts. Using their manly fix-it skills, men can improve their
> marriage, and find their own happiness in the process.
#######################

> Hi Diane,
> 
> I have started writing a column for a new magazine, "Hitched", which claims to
> be the only magazine devoted to marriage.  Maybe it is!  Anyway, it's online
> now, coming out in real paper and ink sometime in the future. Here's the
> article and link.
> 
> Enjoy the heat!
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> 
There's long been magazine completely devoted to marriage, called "Marriage"
and edited by Krista Kavenaugh and featuring articles by many of our Smart
Marriages presenters. But this sounds like a case of "the more the
marrier"....and we welcome Hitched.  - diane

---------------------------
- WHY DO I VERBALLY PUT DOWN MY SPOUSE?
Frustration often leads to harsh words and later regret. Understanding why
helps to keep things positive.
BY DR. SCOTT HALTZMAN

Anytime I get angry towards my wife, I find myself cutting her down
verbally. Can you help me put a stop to it?

When a man and woman exchange rings on the altar, they do so with the hopes
of a marriage filled with joy and satisfaction. As they turn and walk
through the aisle, they anticipate a storybook ending of a life filled with
only good things. And for a while, that¹s the way things areŠthen the words
fly.

In all relationships, we seek happiness. We often look to our partner as the
main conduit to our piece of mind. We figure that if our wife or husband
were wise enough, strong enough and resourceful enough, they¹d figure out
what we need and meet them without hesitation. After all, he or she did that
when we were dating, right?

Feeling angry in your marriage is a sure sign that your needs aren¹t being
met. You assume that your desires are reasonable and frankly, any reasonable
person should be able to meet them. In some cases, you may have a need to be
heard. In others, it might be the need for words of support or appreciation.
Sometimes you might need physical touch. These are things you can¹t give
yourself and as far as you're concerned, if your partner isn¹t up to the
task, he or she has let you down.

This type of disappointment, especially if it happens repeatedly, leads to
resentment. And resentment is the birthplace of anger. As you get more and
more upset, it¹s only a matter of time until it affects the way you treat
your spouse. Putdowns are an expression of anger. Not only do you hurt your
spouse, but being nasty ultimately boomerangs back toward you‹you end up
feeling ashamed and angry with yourself for your behavior. This starts the
cycle all over again: as you feel the anger mounting, you blame your partner
for it, leading to more resentment, more anger and more putdowns.

Ironically, when you resort to putting down your mate, you end up getting
less of what you want out of the relationship because he or she pulls away.
There are ways to stop the cycle of anger and resentment, though:

Adjust Your Expectations: Studies show the happiest couples in marriage go
into it with realistic expectations. Anticipating that your partner will
meet all of your needs all of the time is a sure way to fuel resentment.

Give: Instead of seeing marriage as a place to get all your needs met, learn
to view your relationship as a place where you can learn how to give
generously. The odds are, if you selflessly focus your attention on pleasing
your partner, over time he or she will work vigorously to make you happy.

Demonstrate Compassion: Empathic caring is the antidote for resentment. When
you are filled with loving and nurturing thoughts for your partner, it¹s
virtually impossible to intentionally hurt him or her. By giving the gift of
compassion, you can form stronger bonds and a more loving, life-long
connection. 

Accept Responsibility: When you lose it and say hurtful things, it¹s human
nature to blame someone else for "making me feel this way." You, and only
you, are responsible for your actions, and your reactions in marriage.
You¹ve got the power to make your marriage spectacular, don¹t permit
yourself to make it anything less than that.

The road from wedding day bliss to long-term happiness has many bumps, but
when you treat your partner with compassion and refrain from spitting venom
when angry, you¹ll make it through the rough times with dignity, respect and
a deeper love for each other.

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=30

Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown
University. He is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight
Ways to Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at
www.DrScott.com 

#########################
- HOUSEWORK AND HARMONY

It's a dirty job, but sorting out housework can bring harmony
Chicago Tribune
July 28, 2006
By Monica Rogers, Special to the Tribune

Pssst, guys, here's a happy little household tip: Helping your wife do
chores without being asked can mean better sex.

"It can be a turn-on, right up there with chocolates and flowers," says
Scott Haltzman, a psychiatry professor at Brown University and operator of
the advice-packed Web site www.secretsofmarriedmen.com. Although there's
nothing inherently sexy about scrubbing floors or toilets, finding harmony
in housework can make married life smoother, he says. And women, "if you
want a guy to embrace tasks around the house, give him credit for his
efforts rather than critiquing. Let good be good enough," adds Haltzman,
who's also co-author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to
Win Your Wife's Heart Forever" (Jossey-Bass, $22.95).

In the echelon of marital issues, household chores are initially barely a
blip on most couple's radar screens. But figuring out who's going to do what
around the house, how and how well isn't as trifling as it seems. As
Evanston couple Mitch and Susan Chaney put it, "in-laws and finances might
be weightier issues, but household chores are more insistently in your
face."

It's deal with them or struggle daily. In fact, says Haltzman, "housekeeping
is one of the "big five" squabble sources in a marriage. Factors behind the
friction include everything from childhood history (What roles did your own
mom and dad do?) to expectations (Which tasks are you a perfectionist about
and why?).

Then there's idea that "the Y chromosome just doesn't carry the same degree
of housekeeping genes," Haltzman says.

"Studies that look at individuals before and after getting married show that
men simply do less housework than women," he explains.

Finding the way to harmony in housekeeping means clearing the roadblocks.

Here are some typical chore-challenger roadblocks that three Chicago-area
couples have worked through: Challenge: Where's the magic?

Solution: Smooth routines are made, they don't magically appear.

Early in my own marriage, my husband and I had our heads too high in the
clouds of connubial bliss to take pre-marital counselors seriously on some
of the small points. The idea that we'd ever fight about something as
insignificant as laundry seemed laughable. But we fight we did. And not just
about how to fold shirts. We argued over dishwasher-loading (I like to pack
'em in, he leaves lots of space), what constituted a "clean kitchen" (he
wants the floor swept; I like counters clear), even how to categorize canned
goods (I want like items together; he figures as long as everything is in
the cupboard, why sort?). And it got worse with babies in the equation.
Figuring out how to reduce quarrels to save time and emotional energy for
the stuff we really wanted to do took some work. The essence of what we
learned first?

Take time to make time. Tedious as it seems, dedicating a few "dates" to
talk about pet peeves and the nitty-gritty of who's going to do what goes a
long way toward building faster, more efficient routines.

Challenge: A house divided
Solution: Share resources and play to strengths.

"Early in our marriage, we found we were arguing about what and how things
were getting done around the house," recalls Mitch Chaney. Rather than go
50-50 on all chores, "we first broke chores down by level of pain, making
lists with most-hated chores at the top," says Susan Chaney. Interestingly
enough, the lists allowed each partner to do what they were best at, with
enough yin and yang in the remaining list items to allow each Chaney to
opt-out of dreaded chores. "I hated washing clothes but didn't mind folding.
He disliked loading the dishwasher but didn't mind putting dishes away.
Fitting the two lists together let us play to each others strengths," Susan
says. And on those things both dislike? "You do it together or pay somebody
else to cover that one for you."

Challenge: On-the-job training
Solution: Teamwork and freedom to err builds confidence.

When Jenn and Dave Schuman married, Jenn confesses being shocked at how
little Dave knew about cooking. "He truly didn't know what it meant to
julienne a pepper," Jenn recalls. But recognizing Dave had interest in
cooking, despite a lack of skill, Jenn used the tag-team approach to nudge
him toward confidence. Rather than say, "I can't believe you don't know how
to cut a carrot!" Jenn simply chopped veggies herself and then passed the
baton to Dave.

"I'd say, `Hey honey, go ahead and saute these. They're ready to go.' That
got him into the cooking without balking at what he didn't know how to do."
The Chaney's have a strict no-critiquing rule about tasks they don't share.
"If he's agreed to take on a chore, I agree not to comment about how he does
it," says Susan. "Sometimes it's best to just get out of the way and let
there be mistakes so a person can learn from them," she adds. Haltzman
applauds such an approach, saying he encourages "each partner to appreciate
what the other does and to minimize the hostility around what he or she
doesn't do."

The bonus here? If acts of service are one of your spouse's love languages,
"voluntarily doing a chore your spouse knows you don't like really expresses
you care," Haltzman says.

Challenge: If you want it done right ...

Solution: Let good be good enough.

Coming into their relationship, Chicagoans Mark and Julia Scrimenti say "a
lot was just assumed" when it came to housework. "But what we discovered was
that we had different expectations." Thoroughness was Mark's credo, while
Julia felt frequency was more important. "We had to compromise to come up
with what would be mutually sufficient," Mark recalls. Haltzman concurs.
"With housekeeping, frustration levels directly correlate with the degree of
discrepancies in the standards that each partner has and are made worse by
one partner's inability to change."

A tip: When your spouse "forgets" to do his part, don't immediately jump to
the conclusion that the intent is malicious.

Says Haltzman: "Look at the lapse as an act of omission, not commission."
Using humor is a good way to surmount the problem. "Rather than criticize
your husband for leaving dirty socks on the floor yet again, just take out
the laser pointer," Haltzman says.

**************************
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