Marriage Letter/Research/ Rosa & Rayond/ Perfect Weddings/Joint Custody/Army and CC - 10/05

Fri Oct 28 16:25:42 EDT 2005

- QUESTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE LETTER TO THE SENATE
- RESEARCH INSTRUMENTS
- A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE - ROSA AND RAYMOND  - A MUST READ
- PICTURE PERFECT WEDDINGS.....
- AND, WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS - JOINT CUSTODY RESEARCH
- MARRIAGE AND THE ARMY ON NIGHTLINE

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- QUESTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE LETTER TO THE SENATE

Please get your endorsements in. This is when we want to show our 'strength
in numbers' and demonstrate that we are a diverse coalition, both Democrats
and Republicans, and we all support marriage strengthening programs.  If you
missed the request for signatures, you can find it at
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2005-October/msg00019.html- diane

> Diane, I tried the address below and it says - this page cannot be displayed -
>  
> Your signature is needed on the Marriage Letter to the Senate Leadership.
> It's purpose is to help Senators who are going to bat to get the healthy
> marriage money passed.  To pass, this must be a bi-partisan effort: both
> parties involved with endorsement of a broad spectrum of
> marriage-strengthening groups from across the country.  Ten social
> conservative and African American groups have signed. I'll sign for Smart
> Marriages.  If you have a group of any size -- a national or community
> organization -- you are encouraged to sign. This is a case where numbers
> matter.  The letter will be sent to the Senate Nov 3.
>   
> Please contact Carmen McFarland at cmcfarland at wecareamerica.org to sign onto
> the letter. 
> - diane

cmcfarland at wecareamerica.org is an email address.  NOT a web page.  Sorry I
didn't make that clear.  - diane

----------------------------
> Diane, I have written Carmen an email asking for next steps for us to endorse
> the letter.
> Thanks, Ellen

I should have included instructions.  Just send an email like this:

> This is to authorize my signature for the Senate Marriage letter.
> Diane Sollee, MSW
> Smart Marriages 

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- RESEARCH INSTRUMENTS

> Diane, 
> Wondering what other Healthy Marriage Initiatives are using in the way of
> software for case management and scheduling.  This would be to work with
> families long term and track their progress.
> Mary McLellan, 
> Marriage and Family Formation
> Heritage Community Services
> E-mail: mmclellan at heritageservices.org

I suggest you order the recording of the 90-min workshop:
> 755-517
> Research and Evaluation: The Basics
> Scott Gardner, PhD, Rita DeMaria, PhD
> Anyone doing marriage education should be tracking results and measuring
> outcome. Learn the basic tools and concepts you need to get started.

You can order this for only $15 on CD, MP3 or audio cassette at
800-241-7785 

I'll also share this with the list and encourage people to share what works
for them.  

I remember one pointer that Mike McManus of Marriage Savers says he learned
from Barbara Markey of FOCCUS: ALWAYS get the contact info
(name/address/phone) for the couples parents.  That way if the couple moves
you have a way to track them down for your longitudinal follow-up.  - diane

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- A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE - ROSA AND RAYMOND  - A MUST READ

The year was 1932.  She was just nineteen, her soon-to-be husband a few
years older.  Neither had a high school diploma.  Both had come from
fatherless homes.  Thus, neither had the example of a successful parental
marriage to fall back on.  What they did have was each other.

In the years to come, their marriage would be tested.  As African
Americans, both had a strong dedication to the civil rights
movement.  While firm in their convictions, they understood all too well
the risks and the sacrifice that went with such involvement.  In the 1930s,
the wife often feared for her husband's safety as he went to meetings of
the then-fledgling National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People.  Nonetheless, she gave him her unflagging moral support.  In time
she would join him as a fellow NAACP activist, going on to become one of
its earliest women secretaries.

Their marriage endured, as did their activism.  They got through the World
War II years and beyond.  The couple watched their beloved movement grow as
civil rights activists, steadily rising in number, called on America to
remember the battlefield sacrifices made by blacks and whites
alike.  Champions of racial equality met with resistance from die-hard
segregationists but stood firm.  So did the young couple.

Then, in the mid-1950s, the wife was arrested for refusing to give up her
seat on a bus -- an event that helped spark the year-long Montgomery,
Alabama bus boycott.  The boycott ultimately ended in victory for civil
rights supporters, but in the meantime both members of the couple lost
their jobs.  The next decade was one of financial hardship as they struggled
to find work that would enable them to keep food on the table -- she as a
seamstress and he as a barber.  Not until 1965, when a Congressman offered
her a secretarial position, did the couple's financial situation finally
ease.

Throughout all their difficulties, the marriage of this couple remained
strong and resilient, lasting nearly 45 years until the husband died in
1977.  Their names?  Rosa and Raymond Parks.

Today we remember and honor this steadfast and courageous couple for their
real and lasting contribution to the cause of justice and racial equality
in America.  Yet, even as we celebrate their role in helping us achieve
lasting social progress, we must not forget that the Parks achieved
something else of at least equal if not greater value -- something calling
for every bit as much courage, dedication -- and, most of all -- love as
anything they accomplished on the civil rights front.  That something was
an enduring, successful marriage.

 From the start, the combination of odds would seem to be very much against
Rosa and Raymond Parks.  Having grown up in fatherless families, they had
to struggle through social upheavals, including a world war.  They faced
racial injustice, physical danger, financial hardships -- the
works.  Plenty of marriages have broken up for lesser reasons.  And yet
their marriage endured.

Perhaps some of you who read this are facing major marital
struggles.  Perhaps you know couples who are.  As we face such struggles,
wondering how -- or whether -- we're ever going to get through them, we
would do well to remember those before us who lit the trail for us and
showed us the way.  In the end, that may well prove to be the greatest
legacy of Rosa and Raymond Parks and other couples like them.

Cindy Coan
cjcoan at dakotacom.net
Cindy Coan grants permission to use this as long as you give her credit and
include her email address.

Cindy describes herself as a librarian and an indexer, mostly back-of-the
book. Free-lance writing is her hobby. She has long had an interest in
history, including African American history.  Judy Parejko suggested she
write this piece on Rosa and Raymond Parks, an expansion on an item Cindy
had written a couple years ago.

I'm sharing the article because it is wonderful.  I'm sharing the info about
Cindy because so many of you in this marriage education movement could use a
good freelance writer/editor/indexer.

It's amazing to me that I never heard this love story.  Never even knew
there was a Raymond. Behind every great woman.....
I expect to see a lot of babies named Rosa and Raymond this year.  - diane
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- PICTURE PERFECT WEDDINGS.....
Diane,
This Sunday's NY Times magazine focused on preparing for a wedding. It made
me sick to read. It perfectly illustrates what's wrong with the approach to
marriage today. It's all about looking "perfect" for the wedding pictures,
which "last for a lifetime." The idea of perfection is a pernicious one
indeed. It's an idea I'm attacking in my Nation of Wimps book, because it
also has invaded parenting. The approach to perfection, the idea that there
can be something perfect about marriage, is wildly mistaken and destructive,
and the fact that it is applied to the wedding "look" indicates how
wrong-headed the whole mess is--a recipe for disaster.  After you read this
one, just keep clicking.  They did a whole series of "getting ready for the
perfect wedding" articles in this issue.
Hara Marano 
Psychology Today

NY TIMES MAGAZINE   | October 23, 2005
To Do: Make Dr.'s Appointment:  The Unveiling
By KATE ZERNIKE 
A six-month regimen of "baby" Botox, dermabrasion and prescription
lightening cream gives new meaning to the words "radiant bride."
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/23/magazine/23weddings_skin.html?emc=eta1

Which is the perfect time to mention the Bill Doherty keynote "Let's Talk
About Weddings" and to point out that he'll be introducing a program for
working with couples at this most opportune moment to help them plan their
wedding in a way that will help not only the wedding photos last a lifetime.
He'll present the program in one of the mini-Institutes in Atlanta. - diane

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- AND, WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS - JOINT CUSTODY RESEARCH

If you can help, contact Chris Hahn directly: cph at 2chahn.com

To discover the essential components of effective joint custody I need to
interview parents who participated in a physical joint custody for at least
5 years. The physical time split should have averaged at least 30/70. If you
can help, please contact me at cph at 2chahn.com. Please forward this to anyone
that you think would qualify and might be willing to be interviewed.

Background:
Except in the case of abuse, violence, and other high conflict situations
parents should make every attempt to stay together for the sake of the kids.
But when divorce has already happened or is unavoidable, we need to
understand what the best custodial arrangement might be for each unique
family. Unfortunately there is a dearth of good data.

All families have distinctive variables. For some families joint custody
offers solutions to some of the most damaging aspects of divorce, but joint
custody also poses unique challenges. What makes a long-term joint custody
workable? We don¹t know. Which is why I am doing my dissertation research on
the characteristics of long-term physical joint custodies. Chris Hahn

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- MARRIAGE AND THE ARMY ON NIGHTLINE

Hope some of you saw this one last week. It was great. They interviewed Glen
Bloomstrom and showed couples using -- and loving!-- the COUPLE
COMMUNICATION Awareness Wheel.  The couples were all filled with hope that
this new communication tool was going to strengthen and save their marriages
in spite of the increasing deployments and stress.  The show mentioned that
divorce rates among officers had tripled since 2000 -- an outrageous stat.

You can take the full COUPLE COMMUNICATION training June 21-22 at the
Atlanta Smart Marriages Conference taught by program founders themselves,
Sherod and Phyllis Miller.  Leave ready to teach the course and to be part
of the solution!  COUPLE COMMUNICATION is one of four marriage education
programs approved by the Army.

> 106 Two Days - Wednesday & Thursday: June 21, 22
> COUPLE COMMUNICATION I & II and
> CORE COMMUNICATION for Singles
> Sherod Miller, PhD & Phyllis Miller, PhD, Program Developers Learn to teach
> three practical programs to help couples (and singles) increase self and other
> awareness, map their relationship, learn talking, listening & conflict
> resolution skills, align values and goals, and manage anger. Practice with
> real issues using innovative and engaging skills mats. Special attention to
> using skills mats with low income couples. Marketing and practice-building
> strategies. Couple Packets, Core Workbook and Instructor. Manual included.
> $100 spouse discount. Click for more
> information:http://www.smartmarriages.com/miller.html
> 

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