Great Dates & Second Half/Web Resource Centers/Alabama/Sign of Times/Marriage & "other" Trends - 10/05

[Smartmarriages& #174; Mailing List]

- 10 GREAT DATES & SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE DVD SPECIAL COMBO OFFER
- LISTING WEB BASED COMMUNITY RESOURCE CENTERS
- ALABAMA GROUP LAUNCHES HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
- SIGN OF THE TIMES: HATRED OF MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BRINGS COUPLE TOGETHER
- MCMANUS: "BETWEEN TWO WORLDS"
- SHACKED-UP COUPLES EYEING MARRIAGE
- USA TODAY ON TEENS AND SEX
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- 10 GREAT DATES & SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE DVD SPECIAL COMBO OFFER

David and Claudia Arp's "10 Great Dates" and "Second Half of Marriage"
programs are now available on DVD.  To celebrate, they're offering a special
discount price to Smart Marriages e-list subscribers: only $99 for both
programs.   

David and Claudia received the Smart Marriages Impact award in Dallas for
"10 Great Dates" as an "teach-right-out-of-the-box" exemplary program --
used in more settings than any other program and the program that opens the
door so all the other programs can walk through. Couples will attend a
program "about dating" - gets them in the door and THEN you can start
enrolling them in additional programs about stepfamilies, Hot Monogamy,
conflict management.  And, the reality is that it says it's about "dating"
but it's sneaky -- actually teaches them marriage skills on every date.

"Second Half" program is another great self-contained, ready-to-teach
program just in time as the hoards of Boomers began hitting the empty-nest,
second-half of marriage stage.

In addition to the programs, you get a bunch of books:
10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage 10 Great Dates Before You Say ³I
Do² 10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters (plus audio CDs) The Second Half of
Marriage (book/ participant¹s guide)

To order: 
http://www.marriagealive.com/Catalog/index.cfm?ResourceID=58
Or call 888-690-6667

The Arps will teach a mini-institute at the Atlanta Smart Marriages
Conference with tips on how to teach these programs. I strongly suggest that
you order them materials in advance and "study up" to get the most out of
this training.  - diane

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- LISTING WEB BASED COMMUNITY RESOURCE CENTERS

> Diane, could you please list Western Wisconsin in your list of Community
> Marriage Resource Center web sites that is under construction?  And, use
> jparejko at juno.com for the contact info.  Thanks!  - Judy

> Diane,
> Our initiative and resource center are in full swing.  I believe we are to the
> point that we can be moved off of the ³under construction² list to that of an
> existing web based resource center.
> Rebecca Starnes, MS
> Greensboro, NC 
> www.gcmarriage.org


I've had several inquiries this week about these listings.  If your
Community Marriage Resource Web Center is "under construction", I can list
it as such -- there is a special section for those that are in the
development process.  If you graduate and ready to be moved up to the
Registry like Grensboro did today, let me know.  For details on everything
about how to get started, what these web-based resource centers can do for
you, and free templates (all provided by Dennis Stoica of Calif) visit:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/grants.html

Note that a Community Healthy Marriage Initiative is different than a
Community Marriage Resource Web-Center.  You can have one without the other,
but it definitely makes sense to have both.  USE the internet to strengthen
marriage -- it's free. These listings and links to your web-based centers
are also free.  - diane
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- ALABAMA GROUP LAUNCHES HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
Oct 17, 2005
WAFF - Huntsville, Alabama

A group in Florence launches an effort to keep spouses together forever.

The newly-formed Shoals healthy marriage coalition hopes to strengthen
commitments between moms and dads and husbands and wives.

The group met Sunday on the steps of the Lauderdale County Courthouse.

The coalition wants to encourage churches to recommend pre-marital
counseling to young couples.

They also want to educate couples who are the "high-risk" years.

Most divorced couples split during the first 10 years of marriage.

The coalition is also offering a mentoring program resembling the same one
used by more than 200 other communities striving for the same goal.

"We will join the 200 other communities and cities across our country who
are doing the same thing, protecting and strengthening marriages, said Jimmy
Sandlin, a Lauderdale County Circuit Judge.

If you are in a difficult marriage or want to help a friend or loved one you
can call 760-5825 or e-mail the healthy marriage coalition at
healthymarriage at comcast.net.

Looks like this group needs to create a web-based Resource Center! - diane

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- SIGN OF THE TIMES: HATRED OF MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BRINGS COUPLE TOGETHER
THE ONION
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41€41

TEMPE, AZ‹Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful
resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of
their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose
prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."
Enlarge ImageHatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together

The Witthausers enjoy a newfound closeness, thanks to their hatred of
therapist Roger Verbicki (below).

The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42,
a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of
strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at
each other, they described their first fateful meeting with "the
insufferable" Verbicki.

"At the time, we could barely make eye contact," Tom said. "But about
halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways
glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it."

"After our first session, I told Becky, 'That guy is so unlikeable, like the
way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,'" Tom said.

"And I said, I hated him too!" Becky said, finishing Tom's sentence. "He was
such a putz, like he's Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us
through this. What a loser."

The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their
weekly meetings, due to Verbicki's various mannerisms and affectations. His
nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy
blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the
Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki's tendency to
rest his face against his thumb and index finger, and scratch his lower lip.
. . . 

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS "THE ONION" AND IS SATIRE.  But it does signal a certain
societal "tipping point"....and, is clearly making the rounds. Several dozen
of you have forwarded it to me.  As Bill Doherty, director of the
Marriage-Friendly Therapist Registry puts it:

> The important point is that these satirical culture watchers at the
> Onion are picking up on what we have been hearing from couples for
> over a decade--that there are a lot of bad marriage therapists out
> there.  (It's like when cartoonists began to lampoon overscheduled
> families--I then knew that the cultural problem was becoming
> visible.)  That's why the National Registry of Marriage Friendly therapists
> has struck a chord: you don't know who you are getting when you pick out a
> random marriage therapist.  They are likely to be either not trained in
> marriage therapy or well trained to "neutral" about whether you stay
> married or get divorced.

Bookmark the Marriage-Friendly registry to make referrals.  Or, check it out
if you are a marriage-friendly therapist and have not yet registered:
www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com.

To read the full Onion therapy satire (with great photos) visit:
- http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41451

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- MCMANUS: "BETWEEN TWO WORLDS"

Marquardt is definitely having an impact. Not only on Today Show but in
Newsweek and in papers all around the world.  I've been receiving articles
from Asia, Europe, etc.  And, here's one by Mike McManus.  If any of the
rest of you have written columns on Between Two Worlds (know many of you do
have columns), please share them.  - diane

October 19, 2005 Column #1,260 Advance for October 22, 2005 "Between Two
Worlds" by Michael J. McManus

One quarter of adults, aged 18-35, lived through the divorce of their
parents. It is a shattering experience according to an powerful new book,
"Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce" by Elizabeth
Marquardt.

When Elizabeth was aged seven, climbing a jungle gym, she heard a mother say
to another, "Kids with divorced parents are kicked back and forth like a
football." The image grabbed her because that's what her life was like after
age three when her parents divorced.

When she quoted the woman to her father, he turned a purplish red and
sputtered that the image did not apply to her, because both he and her
mother loved her very much. She saw how sad each were to say goodbye to her
at the airport.

But she felt like the football flying "too high, too free" belonging
"neither to the place it left nor to the place it was going."

Children of divorce are three times as likely to be expelled from school or
to become pregnant as teenagers as those from intact parents and are five
times as apt to live in poverty.

But what about the much larger numbers of children of divorce who seem to be
"fine?"

The assumption of many therapists and parents is that if divorcing parents
have a "good divorce" in which they do not battle over custody, are civil
when in the same room and stick to agreements on visitation and child
support that their children will do well.

"In the first ever study of the inner lives of grown children of divorce,
there is no such thing as a `good divorce.' It requires children to grow up
between two worlds, between parents with vastly different beliefs," asserts
Ms. Marquardt.

The study compared 750 Generation X adults of divorced parents with 750 who
grew up in intact homes. The differences are stark. Two-thirds of children
of divorce who stay in contact with both parents (and many do not) say they
felt like they grew up in two families, not one, which creates "endless and
often painful complications for a child." For example, Elizabeth's father
and mother both remarried. Her mother and stepfather were hippies who moved
into a rented four room tenant farmer's house without indoor plumbing and
took showers with a garden hose. Her father worked by day and went to law
school at night. Elizabeth flew alone to visit him from age five. Eventually
both parents divorced again, and her stepfather, whom she loved, committed
suicide.

Fully 44 percent of children of divorce said "I was alone a lot as a child"
vs. only 14 percent of those in intact families - a three-fold difference.
Melissa, one of 71 adult children of divorce interviewed, said that while in
high school her mother was frequently absent - at work or on dates or
spending the night with boyfriends.

When Daniel's father left his mother to move in with another woman, his
mother was devastated. Daniel learned not to go to her when he felt sad or
scared, because she would become overwhelmed with guilt, call herself a bad
mother, and he'd have to comfort her!

A fifth of young adult children of divorce agree that "I love my mother, but
do not respect her," triple that of those from intact homes. A quarter of
young adults from divorced homes disagree with the assertion, "My father
clearly taught me the difference between right and wrong." That compares
with just 3 percent of those from intact homes. If the study had included
the many children totally abandoned by divorced dads, the ratio would have
been much worse.

Because the moral guidelines from each parent conflicted, children "had to
create their own values and find within themselves the courage and capacity
to trust their own judgment," writes Judith Wallerstein in a Foreword. As
one young man put it, "I had to become my own parent."

What are the lessons of "Between Two Worlds?"

First, two-thirds of those who divorce who are in low-conflict marriages,
should work harder to save their marriages, or at least wait until children
are grown before divorcing. Only a third of the divorced said that they and
ex-spouses tried to save the marriage.

Second, therapists who often recommend divorce and clergy who acquiesce in
it - must become voices for the children urging parents to be more
responsible.

Finally, this book is must reading for the millions of divorced parents or
those who are considering it, for the judges who always grant divorce when
only one person asks for it, and by state legislators who should consider
replacing "No Fault Divorce" (Unilateral Divorce) with "Mutual Consent
Divorce."

Copyright   2005 Michael J. McManus
Michael J.McManus 
President Marriage Savers
http://www.marriagesavers.org

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- SHACKED-UP COUPLES EYEING MARRIAGE
    
Edmonton Sun - Canada
Sun, October 16, 2005
Shacked-up couples eyeing marriage
By VALERIE GIBSON, SUN MEDIA

> The popularity of cohabiting is so great it's been predicted it could
> eventually mean the demise of the institution of marriage.
> But the winds of change may now be blowing in a different direction.  (I like
to believe that we've had something to do with this -- as people realize that
they can get smarter about marriage and that marriage doesn't have to be a 50-50
crap shoot, they gain confidence and are more likely to take the plunge. -
diane) 
    
Living together, "without benefit of clergy" as it was once known, used to
horrify society.

Anyone who "shacked up together" or "lived out of wedlock" was ostracized by
everyone, including family, and there was a lot of condemnation if a child
was born into the liaison. The kid was branded for life.

Nowadays cohabitation, or living common-law as it's more often called, is
considered normal for couples, especially younger ones, many of whom seem to
view living together as a safer replacement for dating.

In fact, living together has not only experienced an unprecedented rise in
recent years, (1,158,400 couples were living common law in Canada in 2001,
according to Statistics Canada), the arrangement has been closing in on
marriage as the choice of a bonding lifestyle.

Nowadays, legally speaking, living common law has becomes almost as
protected a state as being married for those concerned. Also, it's not only
generally recognized as an acceptable societal alternative, but any
resulting children have the same status as children of married spouses.

The popularity of cohabiting is so great it's been predicted it could
eventually mean the demise of the institution of marriage.

But the winds of change may now be blowing in a different direction.

Despite marriage statistics that almost half the unions will end in divorce,
many couples, especially younger ones, appear to be opting for marriage
again, even though they may be already living together.

It's a highly visible trend already seen among Hollywood celebrities such as
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, where getting married and having a baby has
become almost a status symbol. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes also.

It seems that young people, especially women, are increasingly seeing
marriage as a more stable arrangement as well as the ultimate public
declaration of love, fidelity and commitment. They cite the insecurity of a
live-in situation which they say can lack the commitment that marriage
brings.

Tracey, 26, engaged to Ian, 28, says they're living together before they
marry in order to save money for a condo.

"We want marriage because we know we're right for each other and want to be
together forever," says Tracey. "To us, living together just isn't as
permanent or as binding, or even as loving as marrying."

But there's a darker side to cohabiting that's beginning to show itself via
studies conducted in recent years - the results are disturbing.

In 1993, a Statistics Canada study found that women were far more likely to
be assaulted in a common-law union than in a marital one - 9% as opposed to
2%.

Copyright © 2005, Canoe Inc. All rights reserved. Test
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- USA TODAY ON TEENS AND SEX

And, last but not least, Sharon Jayson has two articles on teen sex in
American.  My how times have changed.

Teens define sex in new ways
Shocked parents don't understand casual attitude
http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20051019/d_cover19.art.htm

ŒTechnical virginity' becomes part of teens' equation
Ten years after Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's relationship made oral
sex a mainstream topic, there's still plenty of debate over whether oral sex
is really sex.
http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20051019/bl_cover19.art.htm

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