Controlled Separation/Two Worlds rocks/Alabama First Lady/Texas/New Analysis - 10/05

Smartmarriages& #174; Mailing List smartmarriages at
Fri Oct 14 15:36:24 EDT 2005


Ladies Home Journal, November 2005 issue
Pg 76
For marriages in trouble, a trial separation is often the first step to
divorce. But for couples seeking to work things out, a ³controlled
separation² may be the better choice.
These civil ³time-outs² involve customized contracts in which husband and
wife agree to sort through their issues in order to reunite. The practice,
which is slowly but steadily on the rise, was popularized in the mid-1980s
by Lee Raffel, a marriage therapist who felt that ³couples had no structure
and often made havoc of their separations.²
Raffel¹s controlled separation contract, explained in detail in her book,
"Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage",
covers 12 topics ranging from social interactions to child care to budgets.
Participating couples, who agree not to file for divorce during their
separation, address each issue according to the plan they¹ve set up. In the
process, they begin to communicate in a healthier way, says Raffel, who
claims that she is able to save the marriages of more than three-quarters of
her clients. ­ Leslie Fay
Controlled Separation is one of the most highly evaluated workshops at the
Smart Marriages Conference and will be offered as a full-day Training
Institute in Atlanta. You can order a recording of the 90-min Dallas
workshop session on CD, MP3 or cassette for only $15 for a great
overview/intro of how it works. Decide if you want to take the training and
become a certified instructor.  Or, if you're a struggling couple, decide if
this might be an option for you.

To order a recording, call 800-241-7785 and ask for tape 755-714.
>> 755-714
>> Divorce Prevention: Controlled Separation
>> Lee Raffel, MSW, Elsie Radtke, MEd
>> Help stalemated couples restore their marriage using time-limited guidelines,
>> assessment, contracts and ?active waiting? skills that put children first and
>> avoid extended-family trauma.
To order the book on amazon for only $14.95 click

To contact the program:

> School for Marriage
> Lee Raffel, MSW and Elsie Radtke, MEd, co-founders
> The training provides hope for seemingly hopeless marital relationships on the
> brink of divorce. Discover the practical roadmap that shows couples how to
> avoid making an impulsive divorce decision, how to slow down, cool down, and
> rebuild a healthy marriage.
> Email: leeraffel at
> Web:


Elizabeth Marquardt's book, Between Two Worlds, just hit no. 1 in
Amazon's Parenting and Families Top Sellers and is now in the top 100
OVERALL at Amazon!!  This book is going to have a powerful impact.
It's only $16.47 on amazon. Have it on hand to hand to any couples who are
even considering divorce.  To order, click:

Hi Diane,

Here's a very encouraging article. Mrs. Riley came to the initial meeting of
the  Alabama Marriage Initiative earlier this year and is very supportive
of this effort.  When we told her about Marriage Week in February,  she said
that we needed to have a Marriage Month!
Debbie Preece
Madison County Coalition for Healthy Marriages

First Lady Says Renew State I Do's

Friday, October 14, 2005
Times Business Writer ginah at
Patsy Riley wants couples to repeat vows in February

Alabama first lady Patsy Riley is "waiting until the right time" to
approach the governor about an idea she has. Nevertheless, she shared
her plan with the Women's Economic Development Council in Huntsville
on Thursday.

In February, Riley wants to invite all married Alabamians to the
statehouse rotunda for a mass ceremony to renew their marriage vows,
with Gov. Bob Riley presiding. A cake-and-punch reception will
follow. It's part of her Month of Marriage campaign to reduce
Alabama's highest-in-the-nation divorce rate, patterned after a
similar program launched by the wife of Utah's governor.

"I want to bring marriages back together and save some marriages,"
Patsy Riley said at WEDC's monthly luncheon at the Holiday Inn Select.

The campaign would also recognize couples who have been married for
more than 60 years, with one couple winning a weekend getaway.
Teenagers would write essays about what marriage means to them. Every
minister in the state would preach for four Sundays about the virtues
of marriage.

"Marriage month" is just one project Riley has up her sleeve. There's
the statewide hot line set up to help stressed parents cope without
abusing their children; Riley said she plans to approach "a major
corporation" to sponsor billboards throughout the state displaying
the hot line's phone number.

There's also the historic Hill House, which sits in disrepair next to
the Governor's Mansion; Riley has launched a campaign to raise money
from donations to restore it, similar to work she spearheaded on the
governor's mansion.

No taxes were used to pay for restoration, and prison inmates
provided some of the labor, she said.

"I think everyone ought to work - even if you're in prison - and not
just sit on your behind," she said.



Five sites were selected to take part in the Baylor/Active Relationships
Training and Research for HISPANIC Healthy Marriage Initiatives. Each site
will receive $10,000 of professional training, participant and leader
materials and Baylor University outcome research studies. Selection was
based on progress and commitment to the establishment of strong Hispanic
healthy marriage initiatives. Congratulations to: Coastal Bend HMI of Corpus
Christi; Houston-Galveston HMI; Ft. Worth HMI-Hope Center; San Benito &
Rio Grande Valley-START Center; and the Alliance for North Texas HM
(ANTHEM)-Dallas. For more information contact Kelly Simpson at:


Data on Marriage and Births Reflect the Political Divide
Published: October 13, 2005

When it comes to marriage and babies, the red states really are different
from the blue states, according to a new Census Bureau analysis of marriage,
fertility and socioeconomic characteristics.

People in the Northeast marry later and are more likely to live together
without marriage and less likely to become teenage mothers than are people
in the South.

The bureau's analysis, based on a sample of more than three million
households from the American Community Survey data of 2000-3, is the first
to examine the data by state.

"There are marked regional differences, said Jane Dye, the bureau researcher
who did the study, with Tallese Johnson.

Generally, men and women in the Northeast marry later than those in the
Midwest, West or South. In New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and
Massachusetts, for example, the median age of first marriage is about 29 for
men and 26 or 27 for women, about four years later than in Arkansas, Idaho,
Kentucky, Oklahoma and Utah. And tracking the red state-blue state divide,
those in California, Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin follow the
Northeast patterns, not those of their region.

Nationally, the age of first marriage has been rising since 1970. BUT
DONE, the authors of the study said, it is impossible to say whether the
early-marrying states are moving in the same direction, and at the same
pace, as the later-marrying ones.

"With the trend to later marriage, we were interested to find out if people
were living alone longer, or living with a partner and then marrying later,"
Ms. Dye said. "We did find that in the states where people marry later,
there is a higher proportion of unmarried-couple households. So it may be
that people join in couples at the same time, but just marry later."

Generally, the study found, states in the Northeast and the West had a
higher percentage of unmarried-partner households than those in the South,
In Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, unmarried couples made up more than 7
percent of all coupled households, about the twice the proportion of such
households in Alabama, Arkansas and Mississippi.

On teenage births, the same differences become clear. In New York, New
Jersey and Massachusetts, about 5 percent of babies are born to teenage
mothers, while in Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, New
Mexico, South Carolina, Texas and Wyoming, 10 percent or more of all births
are to teenage mothers.

The study also found that the percentage of births to unmarried mothers was
highest in the South.

The new study also confirms just how big and how uneven a presence
immigrants have become in American society.

Over all, it found, 15 percent of the women who had given birth in the
United States in the previous year were not citizens. But immigrant
presence, too, is very much a regional phenomenon. So while noncitizens made
up a third of the new mothers in California, and more than 20 percent in
Arizona, Nevada, New Jersey and Texas, there were a dozen states where less
than 4 percent of the new mothers were not citizens.

Similarly, while 21 percent of all women who gave birth in California in the
last year and 14 percent in Arizona, Nevada and Texas either did not speak
English well or did not speak it at all, there were 14 states where less
than 2 percent of the new mothers had limited English skills or none.

The researchers said that they had looked for evidence that immigrant
mothers were poorer than others but that they had not found any.

"One thing that was interesting to us is that we didn't find a correlation
between language and citizenship and poverty status," Ms. Dye said.

Send replies to this newslist to: diane at  Do not hit
"reply" - that goes to a filter.  This is a moderated list. Replies are read
by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be
shared with the list.  PLEASE include your email address with your

To SUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form on our website: Click Newslist -
right under the puzzle piece.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the

To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:

Subscribe to the free e-newslist at
List your program in the Directory of Classes at
Order conference audio & video tapes/CD/DVDs: 800-241-7785 or

10th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Atlanta Marriott Marquis Hotel,
June 22-25, 2006
Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes June 21 - 29
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW,   Washington, DC 20015-1961
cmfce at

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright

More information about the SmartMarriages mailing list