Movies/Extramarital Affairs/GM/Japan - 5/05

Wed May 25 17:42:24 EDT 2005

- VOLUNTEERS/REGISTRATONS/HOTEL/EXHIBITS
- MARRIAGE MOVIES LIST
- AFFAIR RECOVERY CENTER
- THAT GM BILLBOARD
- SEXLESS IN CONTEXT
- THE WEEKEND MARRIAGE
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- VOLUNTEERS/REGISTRATONS/HOTEL/EXHIBITS

I've had several questions today about registering for the Dallas
Conference.  Yes, you can still register.  And, yes, you can still register
for the pre and post conference training institutes and get your first
choices. Download a brochure and register on-line or by fax at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com

We've passed the cut-off date for the hotel which means the Adams Mark is no
longer required to honor our $79 single/$89 double rate, but as of this
morning, they still are!  So, it's not too late to get a room at this great
downtown hotel at this ridiculously low rate.  800-444-236.

VOLUNTEERS/WORK EXCHANGE: I can still take about five more volunteers.
EXHIBITS: I have two spots left.

Email me for applications if you're interested. - diane

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- MARRIAGE MOVIES LIST

What a great gift this would be.  I'm sure our "movie" presenters - Tom
Rinkoski, Peter Gray and Jana Staton have many examples to contribute. Just
listening to their workshop tapes from past years would provide quite a
list.  Onalee McGraw has developed a "teach-right-out-of-the-box" curriculum
for high school and college students that uses classic flims.  And, then
there is our own movie critic, Frank Pittman who has had a movie review
column for over 20 Years - his reviews are terrific.  I'm sure we have lots
of sources and just need someone like Monica to pull this all together.
Help her help us all! And, by the way, I rented "The Notebook" and agree
with all of you that it deserves an award.  Just can't find the time to do
this.  Any volunteers? I need someone to track down the contact info for the
producers.  - diane

Dear Diane, 
In my work at the International Academy for Marital Spirituality I am
currently compiling a list of movies that deal with marriage, either as
positive models (eg ideas for great "marriage dates" or for use in marriage
education classes) or else as counter-examples (such as the film
"Unfaithful", which people on the List have mentioned before) of how things
can go really badly in a marriage.

I would be interested in having suggestions from the Smart Marriages list
for either category of movie (I've already culled from the SmartMarriages
archives the films that have been discussed in the past, and will cite the
recommendation/recommender in my listing). Non-American films are also most
welcome, as they are often useful for international or minority group
audiences. 

Any comments on why/what part of the film is especially relevant (and any
warnings about parts that may be problematic for certain audiences) would be
most helpful, and with permission I will add the remarks to the listing.

When I have a fairly complete list (together with links to the Internet
Movie Database or other film guide entry) I will be happy to share it with
the list and it can eventually become a page under the SmartMarriages
website, if that is desirable.

Monica Sandor
Senior Researcher
International Academy for Marital Spirituality
monica.sandor at intams.org
http://www.intams.org/
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- AFFAIR RECOVERY CENTER

>  Dear Diane:  
> I am new to Smart Marriages and I will be attending my first conference in
> Dallas next month.  I am very excited about the conference and the work you
> are doing.  I have noticed a lot of talk the list about infidelity and want to
> describe briefly what my associates and I are doing.  The Affair Recovery
> Center is dedicated to the restoration of marriages that have been crippled by
> infidelity.  We've seen the huge blessing of reconciliation and renewal with
> many couples.  Our mission is to offer hope, support and recovery and a
> faith-based solution for couples and individuals who have suffered the pain
> that results from infidelity, betrayal and / or sexual addiction.   We offer
> structured and proven recovery programs for individuals, couples and groups
> including weekend infidelity-recovery seminars for couples. I know you are
> extremely busy but please check out our website  when you have a chance.
> Wayne Baker 
> Austin, Texas 78759
> http://www.affairrecovery.com

I visited your website and it looks like your Center is a perfect fit with
Smart Marriages and should be part of our "Infidelity you CAN recover"
resources page: http://www.smartmarriages.com/infidelity.resources.html  You
are right, that I'm very busy right now, but we'll see about getting you
listed on that page and also on the Smart Marriages Directory as soon as the
conference is over. http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

In the meantime and asap, I encourage you to contact Dave Carder, author of
Torn Asunder, who is coordinating a combined exhibit on "Infidelity Recovery
Programs and Resources" at the conference.  See if he still has room to
include your materials as part of the exhibit. They're splitting costs so
this should be very affordable for you.  Dave Carder - 714-529-5544 -
dave.carder at evfreefullerton.com

Just from what I've seen on your website I can guarantee you're going to
love this conference and this group of people and you'll just walk around
wondering what took you so long to find us!  Tell your like-minded
colleagues that there's still time to register and get their first choices
for all sessions.  We not likely to be in Texas again.   - diane

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- THAT GM BILLBOARD

> Diane - as one who has had to live through, learn from and deal with the pain
> caused by an unfaithful partner, I want to contact GM.  I went to the site and
> did not find it user friendly.  Do you have a direct customer service email
> address for them.  I did not see a link that would give me access to make
> comments about the life.style billboard.  Thank you for the newsletter.  I
> find it helpful both personally and professionally.

Yes, I've heard from a bunch of you -- and though everyone is outraged it's
clear this kind of thing is hardest to take if you've been replaced by a
mistress.  As I said, I've not been able to get through to anyone.  I've
left messages with the GM advertising department at: 313-665-6400 and
313-667-1903 but no one has returned my calls.  In Detroit, of course.  If
any of you are better at figuring out how to contact them.  Or, if you'll
share your letters to GM with me or be willing to contact the media....wish
the conference weren't barreling down on me.  Someone, take them on.  Bet we
could get some journalist to cover this.   - diane

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- SEXLESS IN CONTEXT

> Hi Diane,
> 
> . . . . We need to hold these stories of "sexlessness" in Japan in the context
> of severe economic roller-coaster conditions over the last 15 years, a robust
> industry in foreign sex workers and company sex vacations (for men) in
> neighboring countries, the ubiquitous presence of pornography and sexually
> suggestive images of women (often foreign and white, presented as an ideal and
> demeaning to Asian women) in daily newspapers and TV, a high degree of
> discrimination against women in the workforce (though this is beginning to
> change), highly stereotyped gender roles in the home, extremely high-pressured
> educational systems, long working hours (mentioned in the article you sent),
> and very high expectations for mother-involvement and child cultivation
> between the ages of 0-kindergarten, with all the pressures of getting the
> child into the right school, so she/he moves to the right middle, then high
> school, then college-- putting enormous pressure on the mother to "raise her
> child to be successful" and on the father to "be the breadwinner."   All this
> is in the context of a mostly urban population (most of Japan's landmass is
> mountainous and uninhabitable) experiencing overcrowding, increasing social
> problems, shortage of affordable housing, and high costs of living that would
> take the wind out of any of our sexual sails. Shame over the lack of success
> and social conformity is widespread and a primary means of social control -
> surely a libido buster.
> 
> . . . .. Marriage education/intimacy would need to address these issues of
> gender discrimination, power-sharing, shame, work policies, media
> saturation/objectification of women, role strain, and socio-economic pressures
> that seep into the bedroom. Maybe sex is the canary in the mine in this case,
> hard to tell. We'd need to do a lot of careful collaborative work with
> Japanese colleagues to find out, and that would be fruitful work I'd
> encourage.
> 
> Janet M. Liechty, MSW, LCSW-C

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- THE WEEKEND MARRIAGE

It's Time for Intimacy
The Washington Post/Health Section
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Rebecca Adams

In "The Weekend Marriage: Abundant Love in a Time-Starved World," (Harmony
Books), Boston therapist Mira Kirshenbaum argues that even the busiest
couples can stay close by sharing at least one moment of real intimacy
daily. We found time to interview her recently about that idea.

You say that intimacy can be won in only 15 to 30 minutes per day. Where did
you get this number? Almost sounds like an ad: "Intimacy in only 30 minutes
a day."

In clinical research, the people who were successful . . . were doing little
things consistently. . . . The key is in concentrating on each other and
having positive experiences the way they did when they were first in love.
Thirty minutes is great; it's huge. You don't even need that. One long kiss
. . . how long does that take? Three minutes. You can do 30 minutes catch as
catch can. . . . But you absolutely have to schedule sessions where you take
time making love.

But doesn't that lack spontaneity?

It's what I call planned spontaneity. If you wait for things to happen
spontaneously . . . you'll never make love. . . . Making love doesn't have a
deadline, so you put it off.

You advocate focusing on only positive things when you're together. But if
you have a problem with your partner, don't you need to get it out there and
resolve it?

I say, no fighting when you have face-to-face time. Instead, schedule weekly
meetings or fight over e-mail or in notes. . . . Sometimes waiting to
express your need until you're calm can give you the distance you need [to
avoid a fight].

In Washington, people are very focused on their careers. What if someone has
high professional goals and doesn't want to compromise them?

It's not really that I'm saying people should be less ambitious -- but I am
saying that love is critical, and what good is it going to be to make more
money or get a higher position if in the process you've destroyed your love?
. . . Like exercise or eating right. It's not optional, right?

®Copyright 2005

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9th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas June 23 - 26, 2005
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