Empathy/Arranged Marriages/Chronic Illness/Alabama - 5/05

Mon May 16 12:07:49 EDT 2005

- WHOOPS, BBC CHANGED IT AGAIN!
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GREEN
- IT'S ALL ARRANGED -- 60 PERCENT OF WORLD'S MARRIAGES DECIDED IN ADVANCE
FOR COUPLES 
- CHRONIC ILLNESS 
- SUPPORTING THE UNION: NEW COUNTY COALITION
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- WHOOPS, BBC CHANGED IT AGAIN!

The Michele Weiner-Davis special "Seven Days to Save Your Marriage" will now
air on May 31, 9pm on BBC 2 in the UK.  This turns out to be much better
than May 28th which is a big holiday in the UK. Synchronize your watches....
- diane 

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- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GREEN
Diane, 
I am pleased that Smart Marriage is including a focus on remarriage and
stepfamilies. When people give up on a marriage, they do not give up on the
desire for a satisfying, stable marriage. The need for a strong, resilient
marital bond is even more important for second marriages because of the
added stresses. A crucial point is that you do NOT need to be divorced or in
a stepfamily to provide respectful, empathic help to remarried families.
The therapy profession examined the question years ago of whether you needed
to have the same life experience to be helpful (i.e. could Caucasian
therapists help African-American couples, non-depressed clinicians help
depressed people, etc.). The answer is you do not need to share life
experience -- you need to be aware, empathic, and respectful and you need to
focus on the couple's goals and issues. Bill Doherty does valuable work with
step-families even though he has never been part of a stepfamily. I think it
is crucial that we not "sub-divide" the field by life experience or
religious/value stance.
Barry McCarthy 

Barry, who always makes good sense, will present several times at the Dallas
Conference. See workshops at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/workshops.html

Order his latest books at a discount on amazon and get them signed at his
sessions or just for your own use - just click on the links:

Getting It Right the First Time: Creating a Healthy Marriage for $10.47
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0415948290/smartmarriages/

Rekindling Desire: A Step-By-Step Program to Help
Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages  $15.95
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0415935512/smartmarriages

Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-First Century $12.95
Written for couples who want to enhance intimacy and sexual satisfaction,
this practical book increases awareness and motivation. The guidelines,
exercises, and case studies are a positive force for change.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0786710152/smartmarriage

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- IT'S ALL ARRANGED -- 60 PERCENT OF WORLD'S MARRIAGES DECIDED IN ADVANCE
FOR COUPLES 
Knight Ridder Newspapers
May 16, 2005
BY SAMIEH SHALASH 

An amazing stat -- 60%!  Reading this article that quotes Robert Epstein and
Robert Cueni, both of whom have presented at Smart Marriages Conferences, it
becomes very clear that however a marriage is "arranged" -- through a love
match or by the families, learning skills are still extremely crucial. -
diane 

LEXINGTON, Ky. - (KRT) - When Yogesh Shukla's parents called him from India
in May 2003, he wasn't prepared for their news: "We've selected a wife for
you."

But a few months later, the former University of Kentucky student, who was
24 at the time, was packing a suitcase to attend his wedding. The first time
he saw his bride, Sarita Tiwari, was when they exchanged engagement rings.

"It was really all very odd-feeling," Yogesh said. "You see the person in
front of you, you're going to spend your entire life with them, but you
don't really know her."

Yogesh and Sarita grew up expecting an arranged marriage. Researchers say
about 96 percent of marriages are arranged in India; worldwide, the
proportion is 60 percent.

The Western concept of dating is often taboo in other cultures because of
traditions and religious beliefs

To read the full article click:
http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/newssentinel/living/11659201.htm

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- CHRONIC ILLNESS 

> Diane--
> I am a clinical social worker in NYC. I work with families and couples.
> Do you know of a specific program which helps couple's deal with the ongoing
> emotional and lifestyle issues related to stroke in one of the partners?
> Any information would be very appreciated.
> Claudia Oberweger

I don't of adaptations specifically to stroke recovery, but will put this
out to the list and see what people might have come up with. I encourage all
of you to send me whatever you have/see on chronic illness and marriage
education.  Jana Staton will present on this twice at the Dallas Smart
Marriages Conference -- in a workshop and in the closing Marriage Rally on
working with medical sites as one of the cutting-edge areas for our focus --
a place where our programs are so obviously needed and a place where we can
gain entry and access to couples who are in a very receptive 'learning
mode'.  We KNOW couples dealing with stroke (heart disease, diabetics,
cancer, etc) are going to need help in keeping their marriages strong in the
face of the changes and challenges they face.  We KNOW marriage education
courses are infinitely adaptable with experience with adaptations in a
variety of medical settings.  We now need to organize and mobilize.  The
very first Smart Marriages Conference in 1997 included a keynote session on
using the PAIRS program with heart attack recovery couples by Dr Marty
Sullivan of The Duke Center For Living, who included couples skills -- how
to handle stress, conflict, appreciations -- as a crucial component in the
recovery prognosis along with diet, exercise and meditation skills.  We've
heard numerous times from Wayne Sotile on marriage and chronic illness. See
his workshop and order that tape below.  And, we will continue to work on
this front and hope we've got much more to report at 2006 conference.    -
diane 

You can read the transcript of Dr Sullivan's 1997 keynote at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/healthyheart.html

To read additional articles/papers on marriage education and health care,
visit the articles page -- medical section near bottom.  Send your
contributions. 

Order the audio (tape or CD) of Wayne Sotile's 90-minute workshop from the
2004 Smart Marriages Conference. $15 - order at
800-241-7785:  
Tape #754-504 After the Diagnosis: Marriage Matters!
Wayne Sotile, PhD 
Good  marital functioning is never more important than when facing chronic
illness. Learn a practical, tested model to help couples not just manage but
thrive.

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- SUPPORTING THE UNION: NEW COUNTY COALITION

This is an excellent example of the kind of great work at the grassroots
level that will turn the family breakdown epidemic around.  This is also
exemplary media coverage -- a model article by a reporter that clearly 'gets
it'.  Let me remind you that journalists and elected officials attend the
conference as our guests - they're our most important 'soldiers'. Let yours
know about this opportunity and contact me for registration info.  - diane

Supporting the Union
New county coalition is working to keep marriages together
Friday, May 13, 2005
By KARI HAWKINS

> It is a sad state of affairs for a judge whose favorite part of the job is
> performing civil weddings. In his courtroom, he has a wall of pictures of
> couples he has married.. . .

> Bell hopes a new organization in Huntsville known as the Madison County
> Coalition for Healthy Marriages will help to lessen the number of divorce
> cases coming through his courtroom.
> 
> "We asked ourselves, 'Why aren't we doing anything to prevent divorce?' "
> says Preece. "There are a lot of programs to deal with the fall-out of
> divorce, but there's not many programs offered to help strengthen
> marriages." 
> 
> With the marriage movement that started in the 1990s, Preece says a shift in
> thinking now is to ask "What can we do to prevent families from falling
> apart?" 

> Through its Web site (mcchm.org), the coalition is a clearinghouse for
> information pertaining to premarital education, marital support groups and
> counseling, and marriage resources. It hopes to increase community awareness
> of the problems associated with divorce and increase awareness of the
> resources available to promote healthy marriages.
> 
> The coalition is taking a proactive approach to preserving marriages and
> assisting in developing countywide marriage programs.
> 

Circuit Court Judge Billy Bell sees both ends of the marriage spectrum -
from performing joyous wedding ceremonies to presiding over hostile
divorces. 

As Madison County's designated family court judge, Bell often sees the
remnants of marriages once filled with promise for a long happy union.

"I see the end of marriages that fail," he says. "There are very few people
who haven't had their life affected by a divorce, or by a friend or family
member who has divorced."

Last year, 1,800 new divorce cases were filed in Madison County, affecting
3,600 adults and thousands of children and extended families, Bell says.
Alabama has the fourth-highest rate of divorce in the nation, with Madison
County having one of the highest divorce rates in Alabama.

In 2000, the National Center for Health Statistics reported 957,200 divorces
and 2,355,055 marriages in the United States, with 44,998 marriages and
23,529 divorces in Alabama. The U.S. Census Bureau said in 2001, the U.S.
had 4.0 divorces per 1,000 residents, with Alabama at 5.3 divorces per 1,000
residents. 

It is a sad state of affairs for a judge whose favorite part of the job is
performing civil weddings. In his courtroom, he has a wall of pictures of
couples he has married.

"I hope people look at the wall and remember how they felt on the day when
they said 'I love you and want to be married to you for the rest of my
life,' " he says. "But, once they get to my courtroom, it is too late to
help with their marriage."

Bell hopes a new organization in Huntsville known as the Madison County
Coalition for Healthy Marriages will help to lessen the number of divorce
cases coming through his courtroom.

The coalition, sponsored by the Huntsville Association for Pastoral Care
(HAPC), is made up of representatives from several local mental health,
counseling, social, educational and religious groups. It was started in late
2004 to create a united front of professionals who can work toward providing
information, support systems and community events to promote healthy
marriages. 

"Divorce crosses whole spectrums economically, racially, religiously," says
Debbie Preece, a certified marriage educator and the coalition's
coordinator. "To have a successful initiative, we have to enlist people from
all sectors - churches, social services, the courts, the schools. Our
community is a leader in so many ways. We also need to lead the way in
helping keep marriages together."

HAPC, which supports several caring and shepherding ministries in Madison
County, has taken a strong role in forming the coalition because it believes
the faith community has a significant role in growing healthy marriages.

"We need to create an environment in the faith community that marriage is
invaluable to society as a whole, and that marriage needs to be maintained
so it can grow and be healthy," says the Rev. Frank Broyles, executive
minister of the Huntsville Association for Pastoral Care.

"The church needs to make a commitment to premarital counseling, and
congregations need to pledge their support of marriage unions. When problems
do occur, and they will, the couple should feel comfortable turning to their
church and their congregation for help."

Through its Web site (mcchm.org), the coalition is a clearinghouse for
information pertaining to premarital education, marital support groups and
counseling, and marriage resources. It hopes to increase community awareness
of the problems associated with divorce and increase awareness of the
resources available to promote healthy marriages.

The coalition is taking a proactive approach to preserving marriages and
assisting in developing countywide marriage programs.

"We asked ourselves, 'Why aren't we doing anything to prevent divorce?' "
says Preece. "There are a lot of programs to deal with the fall-out of
divorce, but there's not many programs offered to help strengthen
marriages." 

With the marriage movement that started in the 1990s, Preece says a shift in
thinking now is to ask "What can we do to prevent families from falling
apart?" 

The Madison County coalition plans to also participate in statewide programs
to promote healthy marriages through the recently formed Alabama Healthy
Marriage Initiative.

The statewide initiative involves the Department of Human Resources, the
state's Administrative Office of the Courts, the Governor's Office of
Faith-Based Programs, the Alabama Children's Trust Fund and other statewide
agencies. Alabama joins such states as Utah, Arizona, Florida, Minnesota,
Oklahoma, Louisiana and Arkansas in developing pro-marriage programs.

Coordinating the coalition's efforts is a personal mission for Preece, who
has lived through the effects divorce has on families.

"I'm from a broken home," says Preece, who has been happily married for 21
years.  "I've experienced everything that can go wrong from a divorce. I was
9 years old when my parents divorced. Because of it, I lost my parents, my
friends and my extended family. There's been a theme throughout my whole
life of dealing with the effects of divorce."

Children of divorced parents often lose their sense of home and safety
within the family unit. They may feel like orphans. Many have no way to
process the anger and grief over their parents' breakup. These children
often deal with the issues of their parents' divorce well into adulthood.

"When a marriage fragments, the children are the ones who really suffer from
the experience," says Jane Bloemetjie, a licensed counselor involved with
the coalition. 

"We need to provide the best for our children. The fabric of our society is
not as strong as it used to be. And there is a strong belief that the main
reason for this is because our families aren't as strong as they used to
be." 

Bloemetjie said marriages need to be "strengthened" so parents can help
children grow up "with good values and morals."

The coalition wants to be counted among organizations across the nation
promoting healthy and long-lasting marriages, and providing programs toward
that end. 

"The marriage movement is trying to lift marriage up again," Preece says.

"There's a kind of cynicism about marriage, a thinking that 'this may or may
not work.' People don't realize there are programs in place to deal with
practically every problem you can face in marriage."

Although married couples with children are required to go through family
counseling before a divorce is granted in Madison County, Bell says the best
way to help children is to prevent a divorce from occurring.

"Divorce cases cause wounds that a lot of times don't ever heal," he says.
"I don't think there is any way that divorce doesn't touch the parents and
children adversely. We have to work on strengthening the institution of
marriage for the generations of children and families to come."

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