WildLifeSkills/Movies/Money/Coontz - 5/05

Fri May 6 17:10:24 EDT 2005

- MARRIAGE GOES TO THE MOVIES
- MARRIAGE GOES WILD - WILDLIFESKILLS RETREAT: MAY 20-22, CHARLESTON, SC
- MARRIAGE AND MONEY
- COONTZ TO HAWKINS

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- MARRIAGE GOES TO THE MOVIES

This is from Peter Gray who will present at Smart Marriages where he'll
premier his new program, "Marriage Goes to the Movies".

> 710 - Sun, June 26, Dallas
> All you Need Is Love:  Marriage, Myths and The Movies
> Peter Gray, MFT
> Destructive myths get in the way of developing good relationships and can
> wreck good marriages. Use clips to help students and couples learn the truth
> about love and marriage.

Diane,
"The Notebook" is one of those wonderful films that has something for
everybody in the marriage education world.  There are some really nice clips
that illustrate fun, friendship, and faithfulness.

In addition, there are at least two critical impact clips that make the
movie a standout for me.  The first one focuses on the theme of commitment
in the face of hardship and is a real tear jerker.  There are several really
tender moments in this film and in my opinion, if you're unaffected by this
movie, well, you really ought to check your pulse.

The second clip is one that should be shown in every high school or marriage
preparation program.  This clip deals with some of the real every day stuff
of marriage.  It reminds me of the final scene of The Story Of Us when
Katie, played by Michele Phiefer, declares that "marriage is hard, harder
than she ever expected but you don't just give up . . . . "   That's all I'm
going to say.  Rent the movie!

Diane, I also wanted the list to know that I have finished my first edition
of "Marriage Goes To The Movies".  It is a marriage enrichment presentation
that is approximately 2.5 to 3 hours in length with almost 100 movie clips.
The first half examines some of the assumptions and stereotypes about
marriage in the movies.  Then there are clips about how "the stuff of life"
and destructive conflict take its toll on marriage.  The second half is all
about showing specific examples of the things couples do and ought to do to
nurture their marriage.

I've done the presentation here in London (Ontario) to two different groups
of about hundred each to rave revues. On the evaluations, 97% gave it top
marks while 100% said they would highly recommend it to others.  The thing
that was completely unexpected was how much the men loved it. There were
just as many men who approached me afterward as women and they were effusive
in their responses.  One guy told me that the presentation allowed him to
connect with his own marriage experience at both an emotional and
intellectual level.  T his would be a great first exposure for husbands who
are reluctant to attend a marriage education class or workshop.

The reason I'm writing is that I would like the list to know that I would be
interested in bringing "Marriage Goes To The Movies" to their community.
This could be for a community group or a faith community - great for a
banquet or fundraiser or Marriage Week celebration.

I have also just been invited by a local high school to present "All You
Need Is Love . . ." a second movie-based curriculum I've designed for youth.
I'll be presenting to three different senior level classes throughout the
day. I'll let you know how this goes. And, of course the main message is
that "love is NOT enough".

If anyone is interested in either program, they can contact me directly at
petergray at rogers.com or at 519-649-0000

Peter Gray

ON "THE NOTEBOOK": So far I've heard from several dozen -- all thumbs up and
not one negative.  I plan to watch it this weekend.  - diane

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- MARRIAGE GOES WILD - WILDLIFESKILLS RETREAT: MAY 20-22, CHARLESTON, SC

Participate in the first "WildLifeSkills for Marriage Retreat" on May 20-22
at The Dupre House on Jeremy Creek next to the boat landing in the old
village. The activity will be a guided kayaking trip to Racoon Key in Bull's
Bay - suited for novice or advanced kayaker. The topic of the retreat is
"Racoon Keys to Effective Communication".  This is a test run serving as a
focus/feedback group and for that reason, there will be no charge for the
Marriage Skills part of the retreat. The $500 per couple fee will cover only
the actual expenses: lodge/food/kayaking. Great, fun, peaceful, instructive
getaway and also great for those of you wanting to start something similar
in your community -- see how it's done.   For details: 843-224-0258 or
843-849-0453 or kent at wildlifeskills.com
Kent and Martha MacEachern
www.wildlifeskills.com

Kent, a licensed marriage counselor, marriage educator, coach and avid
outdoorsman will present twice at the Smart Marriages Dallas conference
including the Sunday night Banquet on "The Marriage Course" and a workshop
on WildLifeSkills Retreats:

> 217 - FRI, June 24, Dallas
> WildLifeSkills: Marriage Retreats
> Kent MacEachern, MA, Jana Staton, PhD
> Attract and effectively work with men in a couples retreat setting that
> includes outdoor experiences (hunting, fishing, golf, kayaking, etc.) and
> special male-friendly marriage experiences.
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- MARRIAGE AND MONEY

Diane, 
I'm looking for a financial piece to add to my marriage education classes
and can hardly wait for the conference. I've signed up for everything that
has any connection to helping couples deal with money issues. (Want to thank
you for putting these sessions at times when they do not conflict and I can
attend them all!)  I tried doing a financial genogram with a class last week
and that was interesting but I was making it up as I went and I could
definitely use some pointers.  I know the conference is just a little over a
month away, but I'm wondering if you have anything to recommend that I might
order/use now. Maybe a book you could recommend. It seems so many couples
are struggling and that things are just getting worse.
Marty 

Hmmmm....I just had two reporters call this week with basically the same
question.  We'll hear from Frank Pittman on "Love and Money" - and I'm sure
his insights will help in whatever you're doing with couples.  I'll make
sure Rita DeMaria who is doing a workshop on Genograms -- family legacies --
knows about your question.  Kelly Simpson got rave reviews for her workshop
last year on "Financial Harmony" which is a segment of her Active
Relationships program and which you could adapt to any marriage education
course you're teaching. She's teaching the full Active Relationships program
as an institute and repeating the Financial Harmony piece as a Friday
afternoon workshop.  And, there is the very interesting new tool - "Money
Habitudes" -- a card game to facilitate communication between couples.  It
explores attitudes and I think you'll definitely take it back with you and
use it with every couple you work with.  Here is a clip from the Money
Habitudes workshop application:

> To help new clients overcome the long-standing gag rule on talking money, life
> coach Syble Solomon has developed Money Habitudes, a set of playing cards that
> make it quick and easy to uncover the underlying or even unconscious attitudes
> that shape our financial lives. The deck includes 54 cards bearing statements
> that correlate to six "money habitudes"‹or financial personality types. The
> game takes about 10 to 15 minutes as a person divvies up the 54 statement
> cards into the categories of "That's me!," "That's not me!," and "That's
> sometimes me."
> 
> Life planner Steven Shagrin has used Money Habitudes more than 100 times with
> his clients. It's part of his regular system for getting to know people, but
> it has also had important results in other situations. For example, the game
> proved to be an invaluable planning aid for a married couple who found
> themselves mired in conflict as they were about to receive a large
> inheritance.  The pair, who had argued about money throughout their 18-year
> marriage, were better able to understand what Shagrin terms "the money
> messages from their past" after playing a round of the cards.  The husband
> chose cards that categorized him as spontaneous and a free spirit, while the
> wife valued security and targeted goals. As their conversation evolved and the
> pair realized how their money habits were influenced by their childhoods, they
> began to understand their incompatibility in regard to dealing with their
> personal finances. Bringing the conflict to the surface helped them to sort
> things out, Shagrin says, and move forward more cohesively.
> 

You can check out Money Habitudes at http://www.LifeWise.us and contact
Kelly Simpson about "Active Relationships: Financial Harmony" at
http://www.activerealitionships.com

Here are the workshops I imagine you're attending. I'll list them so others
can find them:  

> 202
> Marriage Genograms: Beyond the Two of Us
> Rita DeMaria, PhD
> Learn a tool that helps couples understand the powerful influences of their
> family legacies including divorce, gender, ethnic, religious, economic, sexual
> and attachment patterns.

> 313
> Active Relationships: Financial Harmony
> Kelly Simpson, MA
> Money talks. Help couples understand and bridge money styles, family financial
> rules and legacies and teach practical tools to create money harmony.

> 808
> Money Habitudes: The Root of All Upheaval
> Syble Solomon, MEd, Bill Bailey, PhD
> Learn to use the Money Habitude card deck to discuss money issues and values
> with your partner. Hands-on, surprising, fun!

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- COONTZ TO HAWKINS

Stephanie Coontz requests that I share her reply to Alan Hawkins with the
list.  - diane 

> Dear Professor Hawkins:
>  
> I read your note on the SmartMarriage listserve about my Washington Post piece
( http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2005-May/msg00002.html)
> and I am very sorry if I have given you the impression that I think
> pro-marriage activists such as you have anything in common with the Taliban. I
> respect the work that many people are doing to strengthen marriage. My point
> was simply this: My reading of history convinces me that we will never again
> restore marriage to its former dominance in organizing social and personal
> life. Like it or not, modern social and economic trends pretty much ensure
> that a certain amount of divorce, cohabitation, and single parenting is here
> to stay. We must therefore work on many fronts, extending a helping hand to
> all who want help keeping commitments, acting responsibly, and raising
> children, whether they are married or not.
>  
> Stephanie Coontz
> Council on Contemporary Families
> The Evergreen State College
> coontzs at evergreen.edu

"We must therefore work on many fronts, extending a helping hand to
all who want help keeping commitments, acting responsibly, and raising
children, whether they are married or not."  - It sure feels like Stephanie
needs to attend a Smart Marriages Conference .....feels like she has no idea
who we are and what we're doing.   - diane

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