Runaway Brides and the Power of Commitment/Corrections - 5/05

Tue May 3 18:13:47 EDT 2005

- WEINER-DAVIS ON BBC "CAN YOUR MARRIAGE BE SAVED?"
- CORRECTION ON GRANT INFO
- REAL RUNAWAY BRIDES ARE RARE, BUT INCLINATION ISN'T
- THE POWER OF COMMITMENT: STANLEY'S LATEST BOOK

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- WEINER-DAVIS ON BBC "CAN YOUR MARRIAGE BE SAVED?"
Ooops, I had the wrong date, it's June 13.  In the UK only....for now.

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- CORRECTION ON GRANT INFO
I also had the info wrong on the big Intermediary grants -- I assumed they
were like last round, but they're not.  I said they were for $1 million a
year for each of three years.  This time they are $1 million for one 17
month period.  I'm sure those of you that imagine yourselves qualified, have
already read the fine print and don't need this and the rest of you don't
care, but thought I should correct it.  - diane
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- REAL RUNAWAY BRIDES ARE RARE, BUT INCLINATION ISN'T

This article features Les Parrott, Scott Stanley and Bill Doherty all of
whom will present at the Smart Marriages Conference in Dallas -- plus
features Nancy Bucci's daughter, Angela.  Thanks Nancy & Angela, for the
help w/ this one. - diane

Real runaway brides are rare, but inclination isn't
Wedding stress, doubts often stir a fancy of flight
May 3, 2005 
By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY 

Wedding jitters are common. Cold feet can be expected. But marriage experts
say that when a real-life runaway bride takes off and fakes her own
kidnapping rather than show up at the altar, even they are somewhat shocked.

Until last week, Jennifer Wilbanks was a 32-year-old woman from Georgia
preparing for a lavish wedding last Saturday to John Mason. But her sudden
disappearance, a police search and her subsequent confession that she
concocted a kidnapping story has caused much discussion among marriage
experts ‹ and flashbacks for other would-be brides who stopped short of the
ceremony.

³To take flight and to disappear is quite rare,² says Les Parrott,
co-director of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific
University. ³When someone does something that drastic, stress and the
pressure to please is a factor. She's so concerned of not wanting to hurt
anyone's feelings, she just doesn't know any other way to cope.²

Parrott is a clinical psychologist who with his wife, a marriage and family
therapist, conducts premarital training to better prepare couples to
communicate. He says popular culture romanticizes weddings and marriage and
doesn't focus on the realities of the relationship. ³We've been poisoned by
fairy tales of the perfect marriage and the perfect wedding,² he says.

The Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride, about a woman who left multiple men
at the altar, seemed far-fetched when it came out in 1999. But Trish Greif,
44, of Reno, who called off her 1984 wedding seven weeks shy of the Big Day,
got married in 1988 and divorced in 2000. She has been engaged three times
since ‹ and broke all three engagements.

Rachel Safier of Washington, D.C., also called off her June 2001 wedding. It
was just two weeks before the ceremony, and the experience led her to write
There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling It Off & Moving On, a
book published in 2003 that is part-memoir and part-guidebook for getting
through those second thoughts.

³It's so confusing to people, because women are supposed to be the ones who
want the hearts and flowers. The stereotype is the woman standing at the
altar and the groom who doesn't show,² she says. But researchers say it's
women who most often break off relationships.

William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of
Minnesota, says splitting after the invitations have gone out feels like a
public failure.

³It's a source of shame and embarrassment,² he says. ³A wedding is the
biggest public event that most people ever put on in their lives. You have
all of these comparisons going on, and comparing yourself to friends who
have gone to the altar, and everything is wonderful and perfect and yours is
shattered.²

Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at
the University of Denver, says he believes the wedding itself ‹ rather than
any doubts Wilbanks had about marriage or her fiancé ‹ might have sent her
over the edge.

³One person could be thinking ŒI'm not ready to be married.' Another is ŒI'm
not ready to marry you.' The third is ŒI'm just freaked out about what this
wedding has become,' ² he says. ³It's more about stage fright than about me
or you. It's not really an issue of anxiety about whether I'm ready or
you're ready, but this has become a monstrous affair.²

Wilbanks' wedding plans included an elaborate event with more than 600
guests, 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen. Both she and fiancé John Mason are
from prominent families.

Also, Stanley says, research shows that couples who live together first, as
Wilbanks and Mason did, tend to think less about marriage as a conscious
decision; often, marriage ³just sort of happens.²

³Really big weddings make you confront the fact you're making a choice. Š If
you've slid all the way through the process, you're going to freak out at
that point.²

³I could definitely relate,² says Angela Bucci, 26, of Kutztown, Pa., who
put the brakes on her 2001 wedding about six months before and has never
looked back. ³It was just a feeling you get, knowing it was not right.²

David Olson, an emeritus professor of family studies at the University of
Minnesota, says the last three months prior to the wedding is often all
about the event and not about the relationship. ³Most of their energy is
focused on the wedding, and they are really not thinking about what kind of
marriage they're going to have.²

Greif doesn't have a lot of sympathy for Wilbanks' escape plan.

³I don't know what she was thinking,² she says. ³Maybe in the back of her
mind if she was just missing, everything would have been put on hold. Life
would have been put on hold. But she was the only one that needed time.²

© Copyright 2005 USA TODAY
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- THE POWER OF COMMITMENT: STANLEY'S LATEST BOOK

As Scott Stanley says in the article above:

> .... research shows that couples who live together first, as
> Wilbanks and Mason did, tend to think less about marriage as a conscious
> decision; often, marriage ³just sort of happens.²
> 
> ³Really big weddings make you confront the fact you're making a choice. Š If
> you've slid all the way through the process, you're going to freak out at that
> point.²

This new book could serve as a guide for how NOT to find yourself on a
slippery slope and end up a runaway bride OR a runaway wife -- or groom, or
husband.  Here is the foreword by Gary Smalley, quite an introduction:

Foreword
I first met Scott Stanley in 1994, and I¹ve come to know him well. Since we
met, I¹ve become convinced that he is onto deep truths about commitment in
marriage.  If you¹ve ever searched for them, you were probably surprised to
find so few books focusing on this subject, especially when we know that
commitment is the foundation of success in marriage.  Why is it that married
couples separate? What helps them stay together in a loving way?  Why do
some couples thrive, while others barely make it from one day to the next?
The Power of Commitment brings together so much of what I¹ve wanted to see
in the hands of couples.  I believe that this book will not only help you
stay together, but, more important, it will inspire you to enter the fullest
kind of life possible in marriage.  The book you are holding in your hands
has become one of my favorite marriage books.  The principles, the stories,
and the research-based strategies will make a difference in your marriage if
you act on their powerful truths.

It is reassuring to me that the insights presented in this book are based on
sound marital research.  I am awed by the way Scott Stanley takes research
and makes it come alive, finding new depth and insights about a topic that
too many have come to think of as boring.  Make no mistake  there is
nothing boring about this book.  It¹s about the thoughts and actions that
give life to a marriage. It is about living passionately yet realistically
in the fullness of a life together.  You, dear reader, are in for a real
treat, for here you will find encouragement and solid instruction founded on
timeless principles.  Stanley offers you practical insights beyond what you
ever thought could come of the topic of commitment.  You will be helped to
visualize a richer, deeper path for your own marriage.

Many in our society have come to believe that commitment is merely
fulfilling an obligation: staying through thick and thin when you¹d rather
leave. There are indeed times in most marriages when commitment is hard and
even painful.  But, as Stanley shows you here, commitment that merely
propels us forward is not the only kind of commitment that matters.  That
kind is important, but there is another side of commitment, and all that
comes with it, that compels us to give and invest in our marriages in ways
that lead to greater joy, togetherness, and confidence.  This book is about
that life-giving, thriving kind of commitment.  The great news is that there
are many practical suggestions that you can act on to keep your marriage
strong and happy, and this book is full of them.

Commitment is not about making a choice once and for all, on one day at the
start of a marriage; it is about making many right choices every day and
every week and every month.  For example, there are many opportunities you
will have in a life together where you can choose to give to your mate with
the kind of love that propels a marriage beyond mere stability to dynamic
vitality.  The pages to follow can cultivate within you habits of giving
that promote and protect your love.  The ideas in The Power of Commitment
will grab you and shake you up so that you¹ll no longer settle for ho-hum
commitment.

Some have said that marriage is an outmoded idea and that life-long love is
really not possible.  Nonsense.  Your heart desires something that is truly
possible if only you and your mate (or mate-to-be) apply yourselves.  It
takes effort and wisdom to build a deeply satisfying marriage.  If you
supply the effort, this book will give you a large dose of the wisdom you
need.  

I hope and pray that you will experience the fullest measure of what life
can be in marriage.  Now it is your turn to see why I have been so excited
about Stanley¹s work and the ideas he presents here.

Gary Smalley
Branson, Missouri

BUY THE BOOK ON AMAZON for ONLY $11.53 by clicking
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787979287/smartmarriages

Books sold out at the conference last year and many of you complained that
by Sat morning the books were gone.  So it's a good idea to order the book
now and bring it with you -- read it on the plane -- if you want to be sure
you have a book for Scott to sign in Dallas.  See him at his several
workshops, or Institutes or at the PREP exhibit booth. - diane

And, you can see Scott Stanley present the ideas in this book --  how
Commitment behaves, and how to teach the skills of commitment -- in a 90-min
Special Master Workshop at Smart Marriages.  Register today!!  This one is
going to fill up. 
> 
> 501 - Sat June 25, 2-3:30pm
> The Power of Commitment in a ³Maybe I Do² World
> Scott Stanley, PhD
> Explore how commitment develops, is maintained, and how to avoid partners who
> are less committed. Why do men resist marriage and why do women, so often,
> over-interpret the commitment levels of men?
> 

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