Institute Changes/Cause of Divorce/Prosaic?/Marriage Week & Bookstores! - 1/05

Tue Jan 25 12:54:56 EST 2005

- INSTITUTE CHANGES
- VOLUNTEERS, EXHIBITS, ROOMMATES
- MARRIAGE WEEK IDEA!
- CALL FOR PROPOSALS FOR NCFR ANNUAL CONFERENCE
- ADULTERY CAUSE OF DIVORCE?
- HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE?
- HOT AND SPICY vs PROSAIC
- GOING AROUND THE CONCIERGE TO FIND GOOD RESTAURANTS - WHY BOTHER?!

#################################
- INSTITUTE CHANGES

I know I announced that the institute schedules were all set months ago.
Well, there have been several changes just this week.

- John and Julie Gottman will NOT present a pre-conference training
institute on Loving Couples, Loving Families.  However, Gottman Institute
Staff, Carolyn Pirak and Joni Parthemer, will present a 3-day post
conference institute training on the Bringing Baby Home Program. You'll be
trained and qualifed to teach the program in your communities. Bringing Baby
Home is the program that John and Julie presented in their keynote session
at the Dallas 2004 Smart Marriages Conference.  John Gottman will present a
keynote on Friday June 24 on his new "Math of Marriage" model.

- We've added a new 2-day post-conference institute: TANF PREP: BUILDING A
BRIGHTER FUTURE - Scott Stanley, Marline Pearson, George Young. #912
"A new course for low income single individuals teaches signs of healthy
relating, wise and safe dating, conflict & communication skills, coping with
economic stress, and tools for charting milestones to commitment and marital
success. Qualifies you to teach the course."  This team will also present a
keynote on the new TANF PREP model.

- The Mary Ortwein, Dennis Stoica 2-day post conference Institute will now
be "Simplified Relationship Enhancement (RE)" - teaching a "new simplified
version of RE for couples with BIG issues but low reading skills".
Qualifies you to teach the course.  Note that there is also a three-day RE
Training Institute taught by Rob Scuka and James Koval.

Please visit the institute page on the website for a complete list of all 35
Training Institutes with "click for more info" pages for each one.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

I HOPE these are the final changes or I'll NEVER get this brochure in the
mail!!  Please, if you see mistakes, send me the corrections.  I've made so
many changes I'm cross-eyed and want to catch mistakes before the brochure
is printed. Thanks. - diane
#########################
- VOLUNTEERS, EXHIBITS, ROOMMATES

 I still need additional student volunteers to work the conference in a work
exchange program.  Exhibits are still available - we had 2,000 attendees
last year - a real "book-buying" crowd.  And, we have folks who are looking
for roommates to split the costs of hotel room.  If you are interested in
any of the above, email me.  - diane

###########################
- MARRIAGE WEEK IDEA!

> Hi Diane,
> I called the Headquarters for Borders and Barnes and Noble Bookstores,
> to let them know of Marriage Week Feb. 7-14 and also mentioned
> smartmarriages.com. They thanked me for the information and will highlight
> their display with marriage books.
> Lilian Gafni

This is a great idea for your LOCAL Community Marriage Efforts.  Visit your
local bookstores and see if they'll set up displays, maybe schedule a
presentation or two, donate books to your events!  Offer to do a
presentation at the book store even if you don't have a book to sell. Help
them sell a selection of your favorite marriage books - do a presentation
that suggests that your audience purchase from a list of books. Tell me how
this goes. - diane 
############################

- CALL FOR PROPOSALS FOR NCFR ANNUAL CONFERENCE
Conference: Nov 16-19, 2005, Hyatt Regency Phoenix
Theme: The Multiple Meanings of Families
Guidelines: http://www.ncfr.org/pdf/Call_for_Proposals.pdf
Contact: Cindy Winter - cindy at ncfr.org or:  888-781-9331, ext. 15
Deadline: Feb 15 

##########################
- ADULTERY CAUSE OF DIVORCE?

> Dear Diane,
> In today's email, there was a lady (her name withheld) who said in her reply
> to the wife-swapping discussion that she read an article describing how a poll
> in England reported adultery as the number one cause of divorce.
> 
> However, John Gottman, in his book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
> Work, states that adultery is a symptom (not the cause) of divorce.  In his
> book, he goes on to say that couples living emotionally divorced, parallel
> lives will look for a connection outside the marriage.
> 
> Just wanted to point out that according to Gottman's research, adultery (& in
> my opinion, wife-swapping also) is not, as perceived, the cause, but rather a
> symptom, of an already severed marital bond.
> Gary L. Murvin, MA, MSW, LCSW,
> Chief, Social Work Service

There is lots of ongoing discussion about this in the Coalition.  (You're
going to love the conference, btw, if you ever get there!)  Experts like
Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaughan and Frank Pittman argue that an affair can lead
people to rationalize, after the fact, that their marital bond was already
emotionally dead, boring, severed before the affair so it wasn't the affair
that 'caused' their divorce.  They argue that many (most?) long-married
couples hit the doldrums, now and again, and that many (most?) are also
attracted to others outside the marriage, now and again.  But that it's what
you do about it - which actions you take or don't take - that are predictive
and (with hindsight) ascribed to be "causative".  If you "treat" your
boredom and 'falling out of love' with an affair, divorce is more likely
than if you treat it with fidelity and other efforts to recharge your
marital batteries.  And, so on.  Of course, Pittman and Vaughan are in their
own first long marriages. As, was Shirley Glass until her death last year.
And, as we know, no researchers/theorists can be expected to be totally
objective.  - diane

#############################
- HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE?

Did you and your spouse meet in an interesting/unexpected/new-fangled way?
Would you like to share your story with the readers of Modern Bride?  If so,
please contact Amanda Robb asap!  Either e-mail her at amandarobb at nyc.rr.com
or call her collect at 212.787.7988 or 646.267.6262 (cell).
############################
- HOT AND SPICY vs PROSAIC

> Dear Diane, 
> 
> I LOVE the input from Alan Hawkins about his chapter on "Prosaic Sex" -
> pointing out that marriage educators need to be cautious and balanced... not
> teaching people that they better be spicing up their sex lives all the time.
> 
> I've long been concerned that reinforcing the idea of "spicing up your sex
> life" implies that "sizzling sex" (as opposed to "Prosaic sex") is better -
> when, in fact, it's simply "different." I would even argue that the deeper,
> more honest, more vulnerable, more connected sex is better than the kind of
> sex based primarily on sizzle. (It's more real and less artificial.) And I see
> the temporary "hot streaks" (that can be a part of any long-term marriage) as
> just a little icing on the cake of sex based on the richness of a fuller love.
> 
> Since really "hot sex" is predominantly the arena of "new" relationships, it
> lasts only the first couple of years. In any long-term marriage, the
> occasional "hot streaks" are just a little icing on the cake of sex based on
> the richness of a fuller love. But my biggest concern, based on working with
> extramarital affairs, is that any implication that a "sizzling sex life" is a
> goal worthy of constantly pursuing inadvertently feeds the idea of seeking it
> outside the marriage.
> Peggy Vaughan
> peggy at dearpeggy.com
> http://www.dearpeggy.com
---------------------------------
> Diane, diane, diane,
> How could you send out a post touting "Prosaic" sex?! Think before you send!.
> Do you really believe a Smart Marriage includes sex that is banal,
> characterless, dreary, dull, insipid, clean, colorless, flat, garden variety,
> hackneyed, ho hum, irksome, lackluster, lifeless, monotonous, nowhere, pablum,
> vanilla, yawn, zero.  These are straight from the Thesaurus. Tell me it isn't
> so.  If this is all you have to offer, no wonder people consider wife
> swapping. 
> Bob in Boston

Bob, Hawkins isn't presenting on Prosaic Sex at Smart Marriages - he simply
said he's written a chapter about it which I'm sure lots of us WOULD like to
see.  Maybe next year, but sharing news with the list does hardly a 'tout'
make.  And, I assure you that anyone (including Peggy Vaughan) who has
attended Smart Marriages will tell you the sex programs all hit a wonderful
balance - Hot Monogamy, Marital Sex As It Ought To Be, Permanent Passion,
Biblical Sex, Mars/Venus Solution, Keeping Sex and Love Alive, etc etc are
all about keeping things lively while also connecting for the long run in
deep spiritual/emotional unions with the point being to fall ever more
deeply in love. Most even throw in a good dose of humor, gender
perspectives, and a lot of long-range, hard earned experience.  (Wish I had
time to think about this before I hit send.) - diane
##########################

- GOING AROUND THE CONCIERGE TO FIND GOOD RESTAURANTS - WHY BOTHER?!

As one kind reader archly observed, "Diane, with three banquets and only an
hour to eat on the other two nights, why are you worried about finding
restaurant recommendations?! Or, at least that's what it looks like on your
Program-At-A-Glance." She has a point. We'll have banquets on Wed, Fri and
Sun nights and it's true, on Thurs night we only have an hour between
sessions to eat dinner and on Sat night an hour and a half.  At least she
adds that she plans to attend all three banquets (always meets interesting
new people that way) and that the hotel banquet food was 'exceptional' last
year.  Hmmmmmm......  At least it wasn't prosaic.
- diane 

#################################

To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click
Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece.

Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an
email and request permission.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please
indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list.  PLEASE include
your email address in with your signature.

To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

9th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas June 23 - 26, 2005
Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes June 21 - 29, 2005
Subscribe to the free e-newslist at http://www.smartmarriages.com
List your program in the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video tapes/CD/DVDs: 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.playbacknow.com/cmfce

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW
Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973
cmfce at smartmarriages.com