Tropical and other Marriage Retreats/Sedgwicks in Love/ MacFarlane vs MacFarlane - 12/05
smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Tue Dec 27 22:53:40 EST 2005
- BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
- THE SEDGWICKS IN LOVE
- SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE: CATHOLICS AND 'NO-FAULT' DIVORCE
- BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
As I sit here almost too cold to type, I want to call your attention to the
tropical locations of some upcoming marriage retreats. What a wonderful
Valentine's Day surprise for your honey -- taking a marriage class in Hawaii
or Costa Rica in Jan or Feb!
> Being Together: Couples Retreats in beautiful settings
> Richard & Antra Kalnins Borofsky
> Learn to become unconditionally present, create a balance
> of self and other, and identify and dissolve fears that limit intimacy.
> The Art of Intimacy Costa Rica, Feb 11-18, with the Omega Institute
> Web: www.beingtogether.com
> The Couples Course: Concious Living and Loving Bodymind Work
> Gay and Katie Hendricks
> Jan 30-Feb 3, Ventura California - CA
> March 6-11, Hawaii - HI
> PAIRS couples retreats and classes on Maui, Hawaii - HI
> PAIRS Passage to Intimacy Weekend Workshop:
> Jan 14-15, April 29-30
> Debra Greene
> Email: info at PowerMarriage.us
> Web: http://www.PowerMarriage.us
OR, IF SKIING IS YOUR THANG, check out this new "Loving Your Relationship"
retreat by Howard Markman in Boulder or Susan Heitler's "Power of Two"
workshop in Denver:
> Love Your Relationship Couples Retreats: Howard Markman/Boulder, Colorado - CO
> A little PREP goes a long way! Immerse yourselves in a weekend
> devoted to learning how to enhance and protect friendship, fun, love, passion
> as you enjoy the best of PREP combined with a luxurious, romantic getaway.
> **Schedule: 9am 5pm
> St Julien Hotel and Spa, Boulder, Colorado, CO: Feb 4 5, April 22 - 23.
> Toll-free: 866-601-5683
> Email: info at loveyourrelationship.com
> Web: http://www.loveyourrelationship.com
> "Power of Two" Marriage Skills Couples Weekend Workshops: Denver
> Fun workshops for pre-marital and married couples. Enjoy a side trip to the
> beautiful Rockies. No lectures! Engaging exercises, skill-drills and games.
> Includes: communication (tactful talking, effective listening, collaborative
> dialogue); anger management; win-win decision-making and conflict-resolution;
> increase intimacy, support, love and joy.
> Denver Colorado (CO): $450 per couple:
> Jan 28-29, March 4-5, April 30-31,
> Susan Heitler
> Email: workshops at therapyhelp.com
> Web: http://www.PowerOfTwo.org
Visit the Directory of Programs for dozens of additional offerings, like the
new listing for Tantra Sex retreats in Florida, a wilderness marriage
retreat in Arizona, Kayaking for couples in NC, PAIRS or PREP weekends in
the Big Apple near Broadway.
- 'THE SEDGWICKS IN LOVE'
I'm currently reading "The Sedgwicks in Love: Courtship, Engagement, and
Marriage in the Early Republic" -- a fascinating exploration of the
"romantic revolution" that followed close on the heels of the American
Revolution. It seems that as it became unacceptable for England to tell
Americans what to do, it also was becoming unacceptable for parents to tell
their children whom to marry -- I guess independence is contagious.
This all takes on special interest in light of Scott Stanley's proposed
keynote "Listening to Jane Austin". Austin (born 1775/died 1817) covered the
same courtship and commitment issues and at same time but from the other
side of the pond. Being in the courtship/marriage business, this is a
history we should know. I'll never look at love and marriage in the same
way after reading this book.
Order "Sedgwicks" on amazon for only $19.77 by clicking on:
s%2526v%3Dglance%2526n%3D283155">The Sedgwicks In Love: Courtship,
Engagement, and Marriage in the Early Republic</a><img
width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important;
margin:0px !important;" />
Here's a review:
The evolution of love and marriage
By Carrie Simmons/ Daily News Staff
Thursday, November 24, 2005
A woman chooses her career over getting married. Her sister is abused by her
husband but she is afraid to leave him. A newly engaged couple leads a
long-distance romance because the job market is better in another city.
It is not an episode of "Sex and the City," but the story of one
prominent Massachusetts family in post-revolutionary America.
In his first book, "The Sedgwicks in Love: Courtship, Engagement, and
Marriage in the Early Republic," Timothy Kenslea explores the changing
ideals of courtship and marriage through the lives of the seven children of
the Sedgwick family of Stockbridge, Mass., a generation born just after the
"The story was a really good illustration of the way social life and
gender roles were changing at that time," said Kenslea, a Newton native and
a history teacher at Norwell High School.
While researching a controversial legal case from the 1820s at the
Boston Public Library, Kenslea happened upon a footnote in a pamphlet
written by Harry and Bob Sedgwick which led him to the Sedgwick Family
Papers at the Massachusetts Historical Society in Boston.
"I knew that their father (Theodore Sedgwick) had been Speaker of the
House. I knew Catherine Maria Sedgwick had been an author. What I found was
that there were over 100 boxes of papers about the rest of the family,"
Kenslea said. "Everything about life was in there -- everything you could
possibly want to know about what it was like to lead an ordinary life."
What began as a biography of the seven sons and daughters of Theodore
and Pamela Dwight Sedgwick became a book about their relationships -- the
arranged marriages, the affectionate marriages, failed and successful
courtships and the rules of courting among the Boston elite in the 1810s.
"I knew this was a moment when marriage was in transition," said
Kenslea. "All the scholarship says the generation after the Revolution was
tipping point for the movement away from arranged marriages."
Kenslea focuses much of the book on the relationship of Harry Sedgwick
and his fiancee Jane Minot. The couple exchanged about 100 love letters
between October 1816 and May 1817 after Harry moved to New York where he and
his brother opened a law office.
In their letters, they explained to each other their expectations for
marriage and how their marriage was going to be different than those of
their parents, their older friends and other members of their families.
"I wish I could look into destiny," Harry wrote, "merely to know one
thing -- whether I shall ever become unworthy of you and forfeit your
esteem. If I thought so (and I sometimes have an obscure and undefined but
dreadful apprehension of it) I would now abjure you forever."
The book also touches on domestic violence and women's rights. The man
Theodore Sedgwick chose for his daughter Frances was abusive but a woman's
options to end her marriage were limited in that time. Cruelty and abuse
were not grounds for divorce in either Massachusetts or New York.
If Frances tried to divorce her husband, he would get custody of their
children and she would never see them again.
"Women's power is at its low point," said Kenslea.
"The Sedgwicks in Love" is a snapshot of the children of the Revolution
and the story of growing up with that legacy, according to Kenslea.
"I came to see that being of a child of a father who fought in the
Revolution was a lot like the experiences of my generation being children of
the Baby Boom and the Greatest Generation who lived through the Depression
and fought in World War II," Kenslea said. "You are always asking yourself,
what are we going to do that will measure up?"
Carrie Simmons is a Daily News Tribune staff writer. She can be reached at
781-398-8009 or csimmons at cnc.com.
And, here are clips from a Boston Globe front page article:
> It was an era when arranged marriages, especially among the wealthy, was
> giving way to the choices of young hearts. Kenslea's nonfiction narrative
> account of the role of marriage choices in this brave new world is an American
> incursion into Jane Austen territory, whose classic novels examined the
> tension between money and love in matchmaking during a similar period in
> England. . . .
> While scholars have studied and written about these two lives, the bulk of the
> huge collection of family papers has only been ''nibbled at" by historians,
> Kenslea said. ''The everyday stuff was waiting to be discovered."
> ''They wrote everything down," Kenslea said, ''what kind of food was too
> spicy. They wrote about how you discipline your children when they misbehave.
> . . They wrote about how New York was different from Boston."
> Readers naturally want to know how people in the past dealt with the
> challenges of ordinary life, Kenslea said -- ''What was it like to do the
> stuff I do every day? What was it like to go courting? Or wait for the birth
> of your first child?"
> The marriage and relationship stories of several members of this ''educated,
> literate family" (Theodore and Pamela Dwight Sedgwick and their seven
> children) structure the book's narrative. ''Everything changing in the way men
> and women related happened to these seven brothers and sisters," Kenslea said.
> Theodore Sedgwick, one of the nation's first Speakers of the House, sacrificed
> family to a political career (or ''higher duties") that took him away from
> home while his wife went mad in the long Berkshire winters. As their oldest
> daughters reached marriage age, Sedgwick looked for successful merchants, safe
> homebodies who would not be running off to Congress. His choice for his
> daughter Frances proved disastrous -- a man who abused her and failed in
> Some years later two Sedgwick sons went to Boston, intending to woo and wed
> choices of their own. Harry and Robert Sedgwick were schooled in the etiquette
> of the heart when they met a group of young women who called themselves ''the
> friendlies." What happened when Harry met Jane (Jane Minot of Boston) is the
> subject of the book's closest look at the emerging form of male-female
> relationships through the lens of the 100 letters they wrote each other during
> a seven-month engagement. In a milieu where correspondents articulated their
> deepest thoughts in writing, the couple's letters reveal a remarkably modern
> emphasis on the equality of the partners.
- SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE: CATHOLICS AND 'NO-FAULT' DIVORCE
And, speaking of the American Revolution and just in case I ever wonder if
anyone is paying attention to this newslist, I was inundated with replies to
the post of Dec 18 on the case that is challenging "no fault" for a Catholic
couple in Ohio. I'll let this commentary from Bill Bailey of the University
of Arkansas represent the many. Here is the url of 12/18 article:
First, let me state that the case of MacFarlane and MacFralane is a tragic
and sad one. It is a tragedy for every one in the family, especially the
wife and children, as her circumstances were described in the article. It is
also regrettable that the former wife believes she was abused and neglected
by the court system. However, the two major questions raised in The Wander
article need close examination by the courts before several dangerous
precedents are established.
The beginning question was "should the civil court stay its hand (stay
neutral in the case) pending the canonical decision of the Catholic Church?"
The answer is absolute not. There is a reason why the founding fathers
believed in separation of church and state and avoided the creation of
either state churches -- such as those that existed in 7 of the original 13
states of the U.S. prior to the Bill of Rights. It was to make all American
citizens equal before the law, no matter what their religious beliefs were.
In addition, it would appear that if the court waits until the Catholic
Church makes it's decision, then it implies there are should DIFFERENT laws
applying to individuals based on their religious traditions, beliefs and
opinions. It would indicate that different state laws and courts should be
created for Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Mormons, Muslims, etc. Each and
every religion should have the right and the authority to make decisions
about its believers prior to any civil court decision. That is, our elected
legislators and judges would be subservient to the decisions make by
Bishops, Cardinals, Rabbis, Preachers, and other religious authorities
either as individuals or group representatives of a particular religion.
For example, if I do not believe the laws of the state and nation apply to
me because I am a United Methodist, all civil decisions regarding any case I
have before the courts must await the decision of the United Methodist
Bishop and the Cabinet (District Superintendents) of the state of Arkansas
prior to the civil court (headed by an elected judge) making a decision in
my case. Imagine, if you will, the consequences of such an enmeshment of
church and state policies that would result if the court agreed with the
The same would apply to all divorce laws in the nation. Each religious
organization could request a set of divorce laws that only apply to their
religious adherents. It would also become very sticky for divorce cases that
involved mixed religious couples. Who would decide for a Jewish and
Catholic couple? Each religious body would make their "decisions" based on
their religious practices and then they would have to meet and debate which
religion has authority over the couple. Either we are a nation of laws that
apply equally to everyone, regardless of religious faith, or we are not!
The second question asks "if the civil court will not stay its hand, should
the faithful spouse at least be able to introduce religious beliefs to
determine custody issues and other matters?" At issue here is the phrase,
"faithful spouse." Is it the role of the court to determine which one of the
couple is the religiously "faithful spouse?" Maybe the courts should return
to the "trial by ordeal" using dunking to determine who was the faithful one
of the couple. If one spouse drowned and the other did not, the one who
drowned was the "faithful one" (see
The second issue is also important. Yes, I believe that those going through
a custody battle ought to have the right to witness to their religious
beliefs. However, the judge in such a civil case continues to have the
responsibility to uphold the laws of the state, the state constitution, and
the Constitution of the United States. The court needs to take into
consideration the religious beliefs of the litigants but they cannot be the
only factor used in making legal decisions.
It is my perspective that we live in dangerous times where our freedoms are
threatened by the replacement of our representative constitutional democracy
with a theocracy. The Taliban of Afghanistan represent to me and millions of
Americans the consequences of the establishment of theocracy. I recommend
that any one interested in this look at the web site
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