Protect yourself/ Intentional and Character-Based Marriages/ Review - 12/05

Tue Dec 20 15:16:13 EST 2005

- PROTECT YOUR DOMAIN
- HALTZMAN REVIEW FROM "UK MARRIAGE NEWS" AND ON MSNBC TONIGHT
- RESEARCH SHOWS THAT BEING INTENTIONAL ABOUT MARRIAGE WORKS

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- PROTECT YOUR DOMAIN!

I was alerted yesterday to the fact that if you search for
smartmarriages.com but misspell the domain name, you are taken to sites that
sell advertising to others.  Sites that drop an "r" or an "a" have both been
purchased and are up and running.

I'm told by my trademark laywer that this purposeful misspelling of
trademarked domains is illegal and I can fight it, but it would cost a
bundle - like $5,000 per.

I encourage you to take action immediately to avoid this by purchasing ANY
misspellings of your domain.   I could have avoided all this.  Auuuuugh.
- diane  

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- HALTZMAN REVIEW FROM "UK MARRIAGE NEWS" AND ON MSNBC TONIGHT

> New Books, Resources and materials
> ·        
> ³The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart
> Forever by Scott Haltzman is a newly published book that focuses
> on the man¹s role in marriage.
>  
> He begins this marriage guide for men by emphasizing the biological
> differences between men and women, arguing that traditional approaches to
> marriage counselling can devalue men and ignore immutable male qualities.
> Evolutionary biology along with explanations of the limbic system governing
> emotions provide the foundation for Haltzman's argument that much
> psychological dogma is possibly wrong, buoying married men by suggesting that
> it might be healthy "to keep your feelings to yourself" or that getting in
> touch with feelings is not a panacea for a better marriage. Then Haltzman, a
> psychiatry professor at Brown and operator of a Web site devoted to the
> "secrets of married men," launches his eight strategies with remarkable
> vigour. Despite the author's unorthodox theoretical groundwork, the strategies
> are commonsensical‹make marriage your job, learn to listen, know your wife,
> aim to please. More important, they are extraordinarily well fleshed out and
> convincingly supported with useful "to do" lists and a multitude of examples.
> They will no doubt prove helpful to many men struggling to build a happy
> marriage.
>  

Again, remind you that you can see Scott on Tucker Carlson Show, TONIGHT on
MSNBC at 11pm EST.   And, of course, at the Atlanta Smart Marriages
Conference.  Order the book in time for Valentine's Day -- a wonderful
addition for Marriage Week Celebration gift baskets and door prizes.

Only $15.61 on amazon - to order, click:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=ur2&tag=smartmarriages&
camp=1789&creative=9325&path=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fgp%2Fproduct%2F07
87979597%2Fqid%3D1134526455%2Fsr%3D2-1%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_b_2_1%3Fs%3Dbooks%2526
v%3Dglance%2526n%3D283155

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- RESEARCH SHOWS THAT BEING INTENTIONAL ABOUT MARRIAGE WORKS

This study (reporter below) has to please Scott Haltzman ("Secrets of
Happily Married Men"), Bill Doherty ("Intentional Marriage"), Blaine Fowers,
("Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of
Loyalty, Generosity, Justice, and Courage can Strengthen Your Relationship")
and so many of our marriage experts as it confirms that INTENTIONALLY
planning to strengthen your marriage, on being DELIBERATE about it, on
making marriage your JOB, leads to more satisfying unions.  I haven't seen
the study, but it appears to focus on Virtues and on benevolently loving our
partner - a kind of "Golden Rule" -- that if we benevolently love our
partner that same benevolence will radiate back to us.

The study also appears to explore another interesting point made most
eloquently by Fowers: that one of the surest ways to strengthen marriage is
by focusing, together as a couple, on projects outside the marriage.  On
Looking/working outward, TOGETHER, which sentiment/advice is summarized by
Saint-Exupery: "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at
each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." As is
exemplified by so many couple-members of the Coalition: Mike and Harriet
McManus with their life's work dedicated to creating Marriage Saver
congregations and Community Marriage Policies, Morris and Lori Gordon's
passion to bring PAIRS to the world, David and Claudia Arp sharing their 10
Great Dates with the planet, etc....so many couples in our coalition have
this "looking outward together" kind of love.

All very interesting and all of which we will delve into at the Atlanta
Smart Marriages Conference.  Scott Stanley, for one, will tackle this as
part of his "skating to where the puck is going to be" keynote -- a look at
where we are and ways we might want to adjust our focus at this 10th
anniversary milestone.  But there will be many, many such interesting
explorations.  The program is looking very exciting.

I found out about this survey on the UK Marriage Newsletter.  Wonderful
how the Internet empowers and connects through sometimes circuitous routes!

Anyone know Vincent Jeffries?  Sounds like he should be at Smart Marriages
with his "Couples create rules of behavior that become ³a culture of the
marriage.  And the rules often reflect these virtues.²

So, we're simultaneously focused on creating a "Culture of Marriage" and at
helping each couple establish and define a "Culture of their Marriage".
Nice.
- diane 

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A new study shows that those who actively plan how to better their marriage
have more satisfied unions

By Heather J. Ciras
December 15, 2005

Love and marriage: The best-laid plans can help.

Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but according to a new study, if
these different creatures actively plot out a successful marriage, they will
have high marital quality despite their differences.

After questioning over 100 people in California, researchers funded by the
Institute for Research on Unlimited Love and the Fetzer Institute found that
married partners who plan how to strengthen their marriage are more
satisfied and happy with their state of coupledom.

³It was surprising to me the degree to which couples were often very, very
deliberate about planning out, working out and implementing ideas to make
their marriage better,² said Vincent Jeffries, head researcher of the study.

This has much to do with benevolent love, or ³the intent to benefit the
other person and carrying out that behavior,² said Jeffries, also a
sociologist at California State University, Northridge. Jeffries also
described benevolent love as equivalent to the classical virtues and
selected religious participants in order to examine virtue in modern
marriage. The virtues studied were: temperance, or self-control; fortitude,
or willingness to undergo hardship; justice, or fairness; prudence, or using
reason to discern what is good; and charity, or doing good to the other and
free-giving.

Couples create rules of behavior that become ³a culture of the marriage,²
said Jeffries. ³And the rules often reflect these virtues.²

Couples ‹ all married for 25 years or more and selected from local churches
or synagogues ‹ were asked to explain what they did to maintain and build
their marriages. Each individual also completed a questionnaire that asked
statistical information about the marriage ‹ like length of union, number of
kids and so on.

Researchers deduced that using prudence to plan to better the union
increases marital quality. Other findings include that benevolent love
sometimes increases attractive love in the minds of people and those who
receive benevolent love are more inclined to express it, said Jeffries.

Ideas surrounding virtue can be traced to ancient and medieval philosophy.
Jefferies said he models his concept of virtue on that of Aristotle and
Thomas Aquinas. Aristotle ‹ like Plato and Socrates ‹ believed that virtues
are vital to a well-lived life. Both Aristotle and Aquinas believed virtues
came from God.

Virtuous acts are found in many ways in marriage: rearing children, putting
the marriage ahead of career advancement, setting aside family time,
managing anger. These acts, said Jeffries, are rooted in religious ideas.
For instance, all religions have codes of moral conduct ‹ like how to treat
other people or the sacredness of marriage.

Though Jeffries believes that ³practicing virtue, which includes commitment,
as defined by justice, that is related to a religious base or religious
thinking,² he said the findings could apply to anyone, regardless of a
belief in God.

³Virtuous behavior is related to marriage quality and stability,² he said.
³The person doesn¹t have to be religious to be virtuous.²

Heather J. Ciras is book editor at Science & Theology News.

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