Airline/ Katrina Marriage/PTSD/Wounds/Gorillas/ War Toll - 12/05

[Smartmarriages& #174; Mailing List]

- AIRLINE CONFERENCE DISCOUNTS
- CAN THIS GENEROUS "KATRINA" MARRIAGE BE SAVED??
- RETURNING TROOPS: PTSD SITE
- MARITAL STRESS AND WOUND HEALING
- GORILLAS, TWO! 
- 39TH NOT SPARED COMMON WAR TOLL: FAILING MARRIAGES
- PREP TRAINING INSTITUTES
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- AIRLINE CONFERENCE DISCOUNTS

> Diane:
> I tried pricing flights at AA.com and put in the discount number from your
> website and the response was that the Smart Marriages conference discount code
> does not exist in their system.
> Dcn Dick Stojak
> Director,Family Life Office
> 
Sorry about this, but you have to make conference discount reservations by
phone. Discounts don't work on-line.

I'll share this with the list, as others are likely to run into this.  Also,
caution you NOT to book non-refundable tickets until you're SURE which pre
and post-conference Institutes you want to attend. - diane

Here is the airline info from the Smart Marriages website
http://www.smartmarriages.com/travel.html
> For discounted air line reservations, you, or your agent, MUST CALL the
> airlines -- ON-LINE reservations made by you or a travel agent do not qualify
> for conference discounts.
> 
> Air Tran: 800-247-8726 - Use the Smart Marriages code #ATL062006 for an
> additional 10% off the lowest available rate at time of booking.  No Sat night
> stay required. Can change name or itinerary one time without a change fee.
> Subsequent changes, $50.
> -or-
> 
> American Airlines: 800-433-1790  -  Use Smart Marriages code #1366AC Special
> unpublished "Zone fares" for Smart Marriages conference attendees - or - an
> additional 5%off other already discounted fare.

FOR A LIST OF INSTITUTES:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

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- CAN THIS GENEROUS "KATRINA" MARRIAGE BE SAVED??

Another great opportunity to demonstrate how helpful good communication
skills can be: speaking and listening, the dialogue wheel, empathy, etc. If
any of you have worked with a couple like this, please help. -  diane

> Diane, 
> I write the "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" column for the Ladies Home Journal.
> I'm looking for a couple who opened their home to family, friends, or even
> strangers during the Katrina disaster only to realize that the stress and
> tension put a strain on their own marriage. I'm looking for a marriage
> educator or counselor that has worked with such a couple to share ideas for
> how to cope. What boundaries can you put in place, etc? I'll need to do a
> phone interview with both husband and wife (names and details changed) as well
> as with the educator/counselor. I can pay $200 to the couple, $500 to the
> educator -- a small honorarium to thank them for sharing their story/work.
>  
> Reach me, Meg Rosen, at medrosen at aol.com.

###########################
- RETURNING TROOPS: PTSD SITE
 
> Diane,
> This website may be useful for spouses/family members of those returning
> from a combat zone, as it has information about PTSD and how it affects
> the family.   http://www.ptsdsupport.net/family.html
> Dena

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- MARITAL STRESS AND WOUND HEALING

> After an argument with your spouse you don't only need time to get over
> emotional wounds. Physical wounds take longer to heal.
> 
> Scientists have found that a half-hour argument with a loved one can slow the
> body's ability to heal by at least a day. In couples who have a routinely
> hostile relationship, the healing time may be doubled again.

Here is how MedPage reported the research I shared yesterday:
http://www.medpagetoday.com/Psychiatry/GeneralPsychiatry/tb/2268

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- GORILLAS, TWO! 
Diane, 
Sharks are great and the new Aquarium is stupendous, but you might also want
the list know about the adorable TWIN baby gorillas born at the Atlanta Zoo
in November.  Our Zoo has the 2nd largest population of gorillas in the
United States, second only to the Bronx Zoo.  You can learn a lot about
families watching these great apes.  We've also got Pandas, a climbing wall
for humans, etc.  For details: http://www.zooatlanta.org/home.htm

#########################

- 39TH NOT SPARED COMMON WAR TOLL: FAILING MARRIAGES
BY VAN JENSEN
Arkansas Democrat Gazette
November 28, 2005

> Army soldiers returning from Iraq have counseling available on base,
> Garrison added, while guardsmen are scattered across the state, without
> easy access to such resources.

A captain in the 39th Infantry Brigade first raised the red flag for Penny
Baker, a program coordinator with the Arkansas National Guard’s
family-support program. He told her at least five members of his 65-man unit
had recently divorced or separated. Baker already knew of five others who
had ended their marriages.

Divorce among returned soldiers, it seems, is a growing ­ if unintended ­
consequence of the war in Iraq.

The 3,000 members of the 39th, who spent a year in Iraq, were subjected
to “horrifying things,” Baker said. “So many of them that came back... were
angry. Generally, you take it out on the one you love the most.”

No one keeps official numbers on National Guard divorces, but Capt. Joel
Garrison with the Arkansas National Guard estimated that 10 percent of the
39th has divorced or separated since returning from Iraq last spring.

Army numbers show divorces among enlisted personnel jumped 28 percent last
year and more than 50 percent since 2000. Preliminary estimates for 2005
show another slight increase, an Army spokesman said.

After recognizing the severity of the problem, Department of Defense, Army
and National Guard officials agreed to invest more money in
marriage-related programs. The Army spent $2 million in fiscal 2005 and
has budgeted $3. 5 million for 2006. The Guard budgeted $5 million for
last fiscal year; no 2006 number is available.

A variety of “marriage enrichment” programs has sprung up, and some older
programs have received an influx of funds.

The leading cause of suicide among soldiers is the loss of a significant
relationship, said Martha Rudd, an Army spokesman. There were 76 suicides
in 2003, 67 in 2004 and 56 so far in this year, she said. “If you save one
marriage for 50 couples... it’s money well spent,” Rudd said. “In the
combat zone, that can affect safety.”

A PAINFUL DEPARTURE

Marriage is rarely easy. The National Center for Health Statistics estimates
that more than 40 percent will end in divorce. The additional stresses
placed on a relationship when one member spends at least a year at war
increases the chances of divorce, said Chaplain Dawson Williams of the
Arkansas National Guard. His marriage-counseling sessions have been more
frequent since the 39 th returned.

Said Rudd : “The experience in Iraq changes people to a certain extent.
When they come back home, it’s hard. You’re over in a war zone, then a
couple days later you’re home in the living room with your wife yelling at
you to watch the kids.

“ Anybody who’s been around the Army knows a couple that’s been divorced.”

The spouse at home has stresses, too.

“That wife has been left here... solely responsible for the household,”
Baker said. “Even the strongest marriages might be a little rocky.”

Garrison said the problems are worse for guardsmen. Soldiers in the Army
receive several days off a month during training, he said, but Arkansas’
guardsmen had less than two weeks with their families over the six months
they spent preparing to go to war.

Garrison left his Little Rock home for active duty Nov. 1, 2003, then had
one day off for Thanksgiving and 10 for Christmas before leaving for Iraq
on Feb. 28, 2004. He and his wife did have 48 hours together before he
shipped out.

Army soldiers returning from Iraq have counseling available on base,
Garrison added, while guardsmen are scattered across the state, without
easy access to such resources. “We had kind of a difficult time in our
unit,” Garrison said. “It’s just been a problem. These guys, it’s been so
painful.”

A HELPING HAND 

Earlier this fall, an obviously pregnant woman walked up to Chaplain
Williams, pointed at her stomach and said, “This is your fault.” Williams
was slightly embarrassed but happy. He recognized the woman. She and her
soldier husband had come to him for counseling and, afterwards, had decided
to save their marriage. “Now they’re starting a family,” Williams said.

Instances such as that are why he remains optimistic about soldiers’
relationships. And, he added, there are so many kinds of assistance
available that if a couple really wants to stay married, they can.

Free relationship literature is available through the Prevention and
Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP - the Markman/Stanley Program), which
most branches of the military use. The Army has a counseling service, One
Source, which is also available to guardsmen. Another counseling service,
Pick a Partner (aka - How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, the Van Epp program),
helps single soldiers avoid bad relationships.

The Guard’s family-support program and the state Veterans Affairs office
are forming a volunteer team of counselors, social workers and
psychiatrists to reach out to guardsmen.

The program that has received the most funding and attention lately is
Strong Bonds, which consists of retreats in which couples can learn skills
to repair their marriages. Arkansas has had three of these so far, with a
total of 105 Army and National Guard couples attending, and has plans for
more next year.

“The big thing is learning how to come back together again,” Williams said.
“It’s just getting a third party to clear up the fog.”

With the renewed focus on relationships, some rocky marriages will likely
be patched up before the National Guard deploys again, Baker said. “If
you’re aware of this major change, you can work through it.”

Copyright © 2001-2004 Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Inc.

- PREP TRAINING INSTITUTES
You can train in PREP and Christian PREP and in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk
at the Smart Marriages Atlanta Conference.  See
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html


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