RE and Domestic Violence/Before you even find a date/Mars-Venus Retreats - 4/05

Thu Apr 28 22:30:28 EDT 2005

- FREE RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT TELECONFERENCE: MAY 3, 9PM
- MARRIAGE EDUCATION THAT STARTS BEFORE YOU EVEN FIND A DATE
- JOHN GRAY RETREATS?

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- FREE RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT TELECONFERENCE: MAY 3, 9PM

This crucial topic: "Preventing Domestic Violence Through Relationship
Enhancement Training" will include the application of the RE approach with
role plays of typical situations.  All participants will be encouraged to
ask questions, comment, provide information and share their experiences.

Discussion leader: Michael Waldo
Moderator: Rob Scuka

To join the call dial 646-519-5800, Callers PIN:  6307#
There is no fee except for your own long distance charges.

Next teleconference: Sept 20 on Relationship Enhancement Programs
Employing Lay Facilitators.

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- MARRIAGE EDUCATION THAT STARTS BEFORE YOU EVEN FIND A DATE

> (This article quotes not one but five (!!) Smart Marriages conference
> presenters - John Van Epp, Scott Stanley, Ron Thomas, Bridgett Brennan and
> Steven Stosny!  And, mentions several programs, including How to Avoid
> Marrying a Jerk, PREP, IMAGO.  - diane)

Family Matters: Singles Therapy: Marriage Education That Starts Before You
Even Find a Date
The Wall Street Journal
April 28, 2005
Hilary Stout

YOU CAN SPEND thousands of dollars these days on matchmaking services to
help you find a mate. After that's taken care of, you can spend tens of
thousands of dollars on marriage counseling to help keep the relationship
working.

Now into our self-help obsessed culture comes another offering: workshops
and classes aimed at that fraught stretch in between, otherwise known as
romance or dating.

Essentially, it's courtship tutoring. Couples therapists and others in the
marriage-counseling and education field are proffering their expertise to
help single people avoid the mistakes that commonly doom relationships. The
objective is to teach individuals to recognize the most important
characteristics they want in a partner (example: "Well, I guess her religion
DOES matter"), then to intelligently screen for someone who qualifies, and,
finally, to pace the relationship so as to grow steadily closer rather than
letting one aspect (like sex) overshadow another (like communication).

The movement has all the trappings of an academic discipline, complete with
aptitude tests and models of logic -- such as the Relationship Attachment
Model, a measure of five "bonding dynamics" used by one program to determine
whether you and your love interest have a healthy balance.

Putting aside whether this stuff can be taught, the theory behind it all is
that smarter dating can lead to happier and more-stable marriages. The
notion is compelling enough that the U.S. Army is testing a curriculum
developed by John Van Epp, a marriage and family counselor in Medina, Ohio,
called "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk." The Army hopes to soon offer the
course -- renamed "Premarital Interpersonal Choice and Knowledge" for the
military -- to all its young servicemen and women. "I think that any
organization would say that if their personnel are in stable, strong,
healthy relationships, their work production would be stronger," says Ronald
Thomas, the project officer for the program.

Another leading couples-counseling program, called PREP, is developing a
program tailored to low-income single women to help them recognize and
maintain healthy relationships with men. And the "Jerk" program has been
adopted in high schools, colleges, domestic-violence programs and programs
for unmarried mothers around the country. "Singles lack a plan," says Mr.
Van Epp. "They go into dating, to love, to relationships and they are
winging it."

Not surprisingly, the biggest market is the Bridget Jones demographic, 30-
or 40-something unmarried professionals who have proved so lucrative as
subject matter to Hollywood. As is with most things single, there seems to
be a majority of women enrolling in the classes, though instructors say a
significant number of men participate.

Alixe Thompson, a 36-year-old marketing consultant in New York City, paid
about $350 last month to take a weekend seminar called "Keeping the Love You
Find," sponsored by Imago Relationships International. Ms. Thompson, who has
been through a divorce and a "dysfunctional" relationship after that, says
she was in the "fabulous" stage of a new romance and was starting to get
nervous. "I wanted to do things differently" this time, she says.

The daylong workshop, which took place in a conference room at an uptown
hotel, had lectures, written work and role-playing exercises, such as one
where participants said goodbye to someone from their past using different
approaches. "It helped me communicate better," says Ms. Thompson who is
still happily involved with her boyfriend.

The question remains, however, whether successful dating is really
teachable. "It certainly can be taught, but the motivation to learn it isn't
high," says Steven Stosny, a psychologist who offers a popular singles
seminar at the annual Smart Marriages conference for professionals in the
therapy and marriage-education field. "You are either too desperate to hear
any kinds of limits you should set on possible mates, or you're too much in
love or too enamored."

But such shortsightedness is partly what leads to unhappy marriages and
divorce later on, many people in the counseling field now believe. "I think
the biggest weakness in the field historically is we haven't done nearly
enough to move back further to deal with issues of how people choose in the
first place," says Scott Stanley, a leader in the divorce-prevention field
and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies in Denver.

There are some pretty straightforward tips from some of the classes
including: Spend a major holiday and all four seasons together before you
think about getting married. Forget the superficial commonalities. "Mutual
interests are a trap," says Mr. Stosny. "You like to hike, I like to hike --
without a genuine value connection, those are meaningless." And past
relationships and family matter. For instance, "you need to look at their
parents' relationships and what kind of marriages they had. We tend to
repeat the patterns," says Bridget Brennan, who teaches Relationships Skills
classes in St. Louis.

Angie Naughton, a 39-year-old science teacher, signed up for one of Ms.
Brennan's singles courses and says it taught her how to be pro-active and to
recognize her "non-negotiable" requirements. Also to cut to the chase. After
meeting an intriguing man on a hike, she asked him about everything from
children to spirituality when he first called. "Bridget definitely helped me
focus. Instead of dating for two or three months and then asking important
questions, I just asked right up front," she says.

The answers were satisfactory. The two are still together and talking about
getting married.

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- JOHN GRAY RETREATS?

Diane, 
I a snippet something on the radio today about John Gray retreats in
California - like this is his big new thing. I've heard him present at the
Smart Marriages Conference each of the past few years and I didn't hear any
mention of retreats.  Do you know anything about them?  Is this something
he's training people to lead?  Are they only in California?
Georgia C. 

He has a new program which he didn't talk about last year because it wasn't
ready.  It's now available: "The 9-day Relationship Makeover" and I'm sure
he'll talk about it this year. It includes DVDs, CDs, workbooks and manuals
for couples to use at home.  It fits w/ his previous Mars/Venus work (about
how men and women are different) and goes beyond, as he says, to integrate
his latest passion about food and exercise -- how food and exercise affect
men and women's brains differently and how to achieve optimal brain &
physical functioning and relationships.  I know he has opened a spa at his
ranch in California because he put a listing on our website Directory of
Programs.  I imagine this is what you heard on the radio -- an ad or a news
piece about the retreats at this ranch. I guess if you go to the ranch you
get to practice " The Makeover" w/ John's direct guidance.  Or, if you can't
afford the spa/ranch, you can get the "9-Day program" and create your own
little couples spa at home.  Here is the spa listing.  I imagine you can
also purchase the Makeover kit at marsvenus.com though I haven't checked.
- diane  

> John Gray's Mars Venus Wellness Retreats
> Achieve health, happiness and lasting passion in your relationship and your
> life through ultra-modern technology (including Organic Oxygen Therapy),
> ancient wellness wisdom and exercises and John Gray's insights for increasing
> cooperation and support in your marriage.  Located at Gray's luxurious private
> ranch on the Mendocino, California coast - the first and only Organic Oxygen
> Spa in America.  Retreat registration limited to provide one-on-one time with
> Dr. Gray.  For information: http://www.marsvenus.com

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