Happy/It Works/Alaska CMP - 4/05

Mon Apr 4 11:12:33 EDT 2005

- WHOSE HAPPY NOW? - SMILE, YOU'RE MARRIED
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKS
- ALASKA KENAI PENINSULA 84% DIVORCE RATE: MARRIAGE SAVERS SEEKS TO HELP

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- WHOSE HAPPY NOW? - SMILE, YOU'RE MARRIED

> ·         Smile, you¹re married and in Leeds
> Married women in their mid-50s with two children living in Leeds are the
> happiest people in Britain, a new study
> <http://www.smile-at.co.uk/Jet_Smile-at_happiness_study.htm>  has claimed
> reports SkyNews <http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-13317130,00.html>
> . At the other end of the scale, the unhappiest people were divorced,
> childless, male computer workers from Southampton. Research among 2,000 people
> from across Britain showed that women were generally happier than men, with
> housewives and mothers who stayed at home to look after their children top of
> the happiness league.

 This clip is from "The United Kingdom Marriage News" newsletter - you can
read it and subscribe at http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/>

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- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKS

Here below is one of those wonderful messages that spur us all on --
feedback from a student that says it all.  Dennis Lowe, and his wife, Emily,
will present twice at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference on 'Depression &
marriage education' and on 'Teaching marriage skills courses as a couple'.
But today's email exchange is about his day job -- teaching marriage to
undergrads.  In Dallas, we'll have a keynote and workshop on that topic - on
the obvious good sense and crucial importance of teaching marriage education
to undergrads - to the next marrying generation. I'll paste in the various
related workshops and training institutes but, I can't read this without
being reminded of the origins of the PAIRS program.  In the 1970s, Lori
Gordon was invited to create a semester credit course at American University
to teach marriage and relationships to undergrads.  She decided that
students would best learn by "doing" - so she gathered (and created) the
best exercises on getting to know you, communication, conflict and anger
management, parts of self, family of origin, death and loss, sexuality, etc
etc.  And, just as reported below, the students applied what they were
learning in the course to their own relationships and marriages with awesome
results. Lori Gordon realized that such a course would also be a tremendous
help to clients she was seeing in her private practice/marriage clinic --
that we all can learn best through experiential exercises -- through 'doing'
and 'experiencing' and 'feeling' -- and, thus, PAIRS was born.  - diane

> Diane, 
> " I can't believe it actually works" is the subject line of an email I just
> received from a student.
> 
> What a difference a relationship skill can make!   Fighting for Your
> Marriage is a required book in a grad class I'm teaching and this week we
> were covering the speaker-listener guidelines.  I highlighted the concept of
> "constructive speaking" by avoiding escalating statements, speaking for
> onesself, and using a softened approach in introducing a topic.  In
> addition, I encourage a version of the XYZ approach that avoids the use of
> the word "you."  (For example, "When it seems to me that I'm being made fun
> of at a party, I feel embarrassed.").  We discussed examples of this
> "constructive speaking" approach with the goal in mind that students can
> help others learn these skills.  Of course, this does not keep them from
> utilizing the principles in their own relationships (I've decided not to
> prohibit this).  Though it shouldn't at this point, it always amazes me to
> hear about difference these skills make when implemented.  Here's an excerpt
> of the student's email that I'm forwarding with her permission to share.
> 
> Dennis Lowe  
> -----Original Message-----
> To: Lowe, Dennis
> Subject: I can't believe it actually works
> 
> Dear Dr. Lowe,
> A funny thing happened today that I want to share with you.  As I have
> mentioned before, my boyfriend and I are constantly fighting.  The past
> few weeks have actually been clear sailing with no big fights but I had
> been upset for quite awhile about something and didn't know how to tell
> him.  I ended up writing an email and I used many pointers that we talked
> about in class.  The one I concentrated on most was using "I"
> statements. It was VERY difficult at first but I tried to
> convey more of how I felt rather than blaming him with "you"
> statements. So what was the end result? The proof is in the pudding.
> 
> This is the beginning of the email he sent back:
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------
> I really had no intention of making you feel that way.  And thank
> you for writing to me all that you were thinking.  And, as I was reading
> it, it was awesome because I DIDN'T take it as an attack towards me.  I
> just took it as though you were telling me how you felt.  I think
> that's a new me or the way that you delivered it that made it easier in a
> way to "take".  But seriously I am sorry for making you feel...
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------
> 
> I was in shock. I don't know that it's a "new him" (ok maybe
> somewhat), but I think it was mostly the way I delivered it that made
> it easier for him to take. When I usually vent to him about something
> that's bothering me he usually gets super defensive and we end up
> fighting even more with both of us hurt at the end....so this was a really
> great outcome.  I was just so amazed with the results, I had to share
> and thank you.  Every class feels like couples
> counseling and I actually find myself trying to apply the material to
> my relationship. My boyfriend and I appreciate all your help =)
> 
> p.s. this kind of sounds like a testimonial of someone you see at the
> end of an infomercial saying how great the product was..... "Yes it
> actually works and now I too am a believer in PREP!" =)
----------
And, you can become a trained, qualified instructor in the PREP course, or
the PAIRS course or any number of leading marriage education classes at the
PRE and POST CONFERENCE Training Institutes at the June Smart Marriages
Conference. Teach the skills to people of any age or stage of relationship
from high school, to undergrads, to dating, engaged, newlywed, parents,
on-the-rocks, remarried, singles -- whatever.

To read the details about the PREP, PAIRS --or more than 30 other
institutes, click: http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

> 417 - Sat, June 25, 2005
> Marriage Education and Depression
> Dennis Lowe, PhD, Emily Scott-Lowe, PhD
> Marriages in which one spouse is depressed are nine times more likely to
> divorce. Teach couples to identify depression and the skills and resources to
> help them cope effectively.

> 512 - Sat, June 25, Dallas
> Teaching Marriage to Undergrads
> Arthur Nielson, MD, Marline Pearson, MA, Linda Malone-Colon, PhD
> Explore ideas about how to make marriage courses more interesting and
> meaningful in the lives -- and future marriages -- of students.

> 603 - Sun, June 26, Dallas
> Presenting Marriage Education as a Couple
> Dennis Lowe, PhD, Emily Scott-Lowe, PhD
> Presenting marriage education as a couple requires a special set of skills.
> Learn the strategies, benefits, challenges and "rules" of joint presentations.
###########################

- ALASKA KENAI PENINSULA 84% DIVORCE RATE: MARRIAGE SAVERS SEEKS TO HELP

Marriage Savers seeks to reduce divorces
By JOSEPH ROBERTIA
Peninsula Clarion (Alaska)
April 3, 2005 

The clergy of nearly 30 churches from Kenai, Soldotna, Kasilof, Nikiski and
Sterling are gathering together and cutting across denominational lines this
weekend in an attempt to decrease the high divorce rate on the Kenai
Peninsula.

"The divorce rate on the peninsula is 82 percent," said Washington, D.C.,
based Mike McManus, who along with his wife, Harriet, co-chairs the
nonprofit organization U.S. Marriage Savers.

McManus said those numbers were compiled from court clerk records. According
to the National Center for Health Statistics, in 2003 there were 5,529
marriages and 3,191 divorces in Alaska.

McManus and his wife are in town to sign a Kenai Peninsula Marriage Savers
Covenant, in an effort to "help pastors in this area radically reduce the
divorce rate," he said.

"I think the central problem of our time is the disintegration of marriage,"
McManus said.

It is a diverse group participating in the event. In addition to Lt. Gov.
Loren Leman, there will be representatives from several churches involved,
including Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist, Nazarene, Assembly of God and Grace
Brethren.

"You can do more with a network of churches, than just one church can do
individually," McManus said.

Chuck Thornton, pastor of Peninsula Grace Brethren Church and chair of Kenai
Peninsula Marriage Savers, invited McManus and his wife to attend the
function.

"The devastation of divorce in my own family and my church persuaded me that
we needed to do something new," Thornton said.

"The church has a responsibility ‹ not only to its people, but to the
community at large ‹ to build strong, healthy marriages. If not the church,
who?" he said.

McManus said at present, most churches are "wedding factories," but by
signing the covenant, clergy are agreeing to reform the way they conduct
marriages.

These reforms require couples to undergoing a minimum four months of
marriage preparation, taking a roughly 150-question premarital inventory and
studying "God's Plan for Marriage," a book by McManus, prior to permitting
the actual nuptial ceremony.

Another reform is to train "mentor couples" to help counsel other couples
who are engaged, newly married or are experiencing marriage difficulties.
Local clergy and mentor couples were trained by McManus and his wife Friday
evening and all day Saturday.

"Young couples want to make their relationship work, they're just not sure
how to do it. They're hungry for knowledge and those who have solid
marriages are the best skilled to teach solid marriage skills," McManus
said.

The Kenai Peninsula Marriage Savers Covenant signing is today at 6 p.m. in
the Renee C. Henderson auditorium at Kenai Central High School. All are
welcome to attend.

According to a USA Today article, McManus was at the center of controversy
in January for receiving money from a federal agency ‹ the Department of
Health and Human Services ‹ to promote marriage initiatives of the Bush
administration.

Federal law bans the use of public money on propaganda.

----------

Mike and Harriett McManus will teach TWO Institutes at the Smart Marriages
June Conference. Pre conference, learn to create a Marriage Savers Church.
Post-Conference, attend the first assembly of the National Association of
Community Marriage Policies and learn how to ramp up your community efforts.

> 108 Two Days - Wednesday & Thursday, June 22, 23, DALLAS
> Creating Marriage-Saver Congregations & Community Marriage Policies
> Mike & Harriet McManus
> Learn how to reduce the divorce rate to near zero in your congregation by
> training Mentor Couples who can put a "safety net" under every marriage. Learn
> how to prepare couples for life-long marriage, enrich existing marriages, save
> 90% of the troubled ones, help the separated to reconcile, and stepfamilies to
> be successful.  Learn how to create a Community Marriage Policy. $100 spouse
> discount. Also plan to attend the Marriage Savers Banquet, Wed night, June 22
> featuring Ron Deal on Building a Successful Stepfamily Ministry. Click for
> more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriagesavers.html

> 917 One Day - Monday, June 27, DALLAS
> Marriage Savers: Community Marriage Policy Leadership
> Mike & Harriet McManus, Ann Gries, PhD, Jeff Williams, MA,
> Jeffrey Meyers, MDiv, LeRoy Sullivan, Richard Albertson, David Handy, DMin,
> PhD
> This is the first meeting of the National Association of Community Marriage
> Policies. It is also a training on how to build upon your Community Marriage
> Policy, involve more churches, increase accountability, train more Mentor
> Couples, raise public/private funding, obtain media coverage & work with
> government. See #108. $50 spouse discount. Click for more information:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/CMP.training.html
> 

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9th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas June 23 - 26, 2005
Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes June 21 - 29, 2005/ 75 hrs CEU
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