Gottman/Family Wellness Dallas/Interfaith web-tool/OC Pep rallies/Motherhood before marriage -Edin - 3/05
smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Fri Apr 1 12:55:33 EST 2005
- CNN ANDERSON COOPER GOTTMAN PIECE BUMPED TO MONDAY
- FREE FAMILIAS SALUDABLES/FAMILY WELLNESS WORKSHOP - DALLAS
- FREE WEB-BASED PROGRAM FOR INTERCHURCH COUPLES
- ORANGE COUNTY "PEP RALLIES" TO EMULATE
- MOTHERHOOD BEFORE MARRIAGE
#########################
- CNN ANDERSON COOPER GOTTMAN PIECE BUMPED TO MONDAY
The Terry Schivo death bumped the Thurs night Anderson Cooper piece on the
Gottman Method and Blink. They say it will be aired Monday. But there's
always news breaking that might pre-empt. I'm just taping it every night. -
diane
> Good morning Diane,
> I am a member of your list-serv and am writing to let
> you know that I responded to your request for couples that have
> been married 5 years or less. CNN contacted us and we will
> be a part of the Anderson Cooper 360 show on Monday, April 4th airing 7-8pm.
>
> The segment will involve a psychologist analyzing how we (couples) handle
> disagreements to determine whether or not the marriage can last. Hmm,
> interesting!
>
> Take care and thanks for the newsletter!
> Educationally Yours,
> C. Jackson-King
##########################
- FREE FAMILIAS SALUDABLES/FAMILY WELLNESS WORKSHOP - DALLAS
Wed, April 27th, 7-9pm at the Casa Guanajuato in Dallas.
Presented by Ana Morante of Family Wellness.
This workshop will introduce the use of the Family Wellness model as it has
been used with Latino families for 25 years. Skills will be presented for
family Problem Solving, positively disciplining children, working together
as a couple, and passing family and cultural values on to children. It is
designed for leaders in the community who are working with Latino families
and will be taught in Spanish and English.
For information and to reserve a spot in the workshop contact:
Claudia Torres Cano w (214)-525 0457 c (214)-284 0457
Ana will also present several workshops and a training institute at the June
Dallas Smart Marriages conference:
> 906 Two Days - Monday & Tuesday, June 27 & 28
> Family Wellness Part II: Skills for Instructors (also see Part I Institute
#104)
> George Doub, MDiv, Ana Morante, MFT
> Additional theory plus hands-on practice, coaching of skills, and strategies
> for marketing and recruiting. (106 & 906 is a 4-day training. Institutes may
> be taken separately, but you must take both to be certified as an Instructor.
> Attendees at either session receive the full materials.) $100 spouse discount.
> Both partners receive the instructor's manual. For more information:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/doub.html
> 705 - Sunday, June 26
> Hot Latin Lovers: Latino Marriage
> George Doub, MDiv, Ana Morante, MA
> Latinos are passionate. The men don¹t communicate. Some want a ³casa chica².
> We¹ll tackle the stereotypes and how to effectively present marriage ed in the
> Latino Community.
> 806 - Sunday, June 26
> Construyendo Familias Fuertes de Fe
> George Doub, MDiv, Ana Morante, MA
> Diviértase y descubra nuevos practicas con su familia usando las tres
> habilidades fundamentales para comunicar mejor y resolver problemas. Familias
> mixtas y padres solteros son bienvenidos. Niños de 6-18 gratuitos.
########################
- FREE WEB-BASED PROGRAM FOR INTERCHURCH COUPLES
Diane:
I hope you can help me get the word out about a free, web-based, eight-unit
program that I have developed for interchurch couples. The program, "Two
Churches, One Marriage" (http://www.sandiego.edu/interchurch) is based on
research done by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton. Although
the research and program targets interchurch Christian couples, I anticipate
that many of the ideas can be successfully applied to couples who belong to
different religions (e.g., Christian-Jewish, Christian-Muslim). Couples
with the same religious affiliation can also have significant religious
differences, and may also benefit from parts of the program.
It has been estimated that as many as 40% of couples are interchurch at time
of marriage. I hope that the website will be a beneficial resource for
engaged and married couples, clergy, therapists, or others that work with
interchurch couples.
Individuals are welcome to contact me for more information about the
research or website.
Lee Williams, PhD
williams at sandiego.edu
619-260-6889
University of San Diego
AND, note these interfaith workshops at the Dallas Smart Marriages
Conference:
>> 604 - Sunday, June 26
>> BRIDGES to Intimacy: Sharing Spirituality in Marriage
>> Barbara Markey, PhD
>> This new tool helps couples identify strengths and weaknesses around issues
>> of spirituality and religion and move toward understanding and a deeper, more
>> enjoyable bond.
>>
>> 715 - Sunday, June 26
>> Mixed Matches
>> Joel Crohn, PhD
>> Unresolved religious differences are a significant predictor of marital
>> distress. Help interfaith couples deal with the cultural, interpersonal, and
>> religious misunderstandings that affect them, their children and extended
>> families.
>
############################
- ORANGE COUNTY "PEP RALLIES" TO EMULATE
I share these posts from Dennis Stoica in Orange County so 1) you can steal
all his great ideas and 2) just to keep us all fired up.;) - diane
> Dear OC Marriage Newslist Recipients;
>
> Well, we've set another record this month! I've just finished compiling
> April's Orange County Marriage Calendar (see attached) - and it contains 53
> marriage-related ministries and/or programs. That's more than double the
> number that we had at this time last year. In fact, we have so many to list
> this month, we've had to go to three pages - and all three pages are full from
> top-margin to bottom-margin!
>
> Here's the breakout of the April resources by program / ministry type:
> - 3 programs for Singles
> - 7 for Engaged Couples
> - 26 for Established Marriages / Marriage Enrichment
> - 5 for Stepfamilies
> - 7 for Troubled Marriages
> - 5 Leadership Training Opportunities.
>
> So, quite literally, there really is "something for everyone".
>
> Based upon conversations I have had with a few people recently, I feel the
> need to clarify two issues about the Monthly Calendars:
> 1st - These monthly Calendars provide only summary information about each of
> these resources. However there is lots of additional information about almost
> all of these programs on the OCMarriage.org website. The listings for almost
> all of the programs contain links that will take you to both a written
> description of the program and the website of the sponsoring organization.
> The OCMarriage.org website really is meant to be your "one-stop shopping
> place" for marriage-related resources within Orange County, so don't get stuck
> on only the summaries - please spend some time on the website reading about
> some of these wonderful resources.
> 2nd - The April Calendar only lists programs that are starting in April.
> However the OCMarriage.org website contains information on dozens and dozens
> of marriage programs that are starting in May, June, July, etc. So, please do
> not limit yourselves only to those programs that are on the April Calendar -
> explore the website to see what else is going to come up in the future - so
> that you can either plan to participate yourself - or you can refer couples
> that you know to these programs.
>
> And now that we have all of these marriage-related resources, the critical
> challenge we are now facing is - "HOW DO WE GET WORD OF THESE RESOURCES TO THE
> GENERAL ORANGE COUNTY POPULATION?!?!?!" Often times I feel like the
> proverbial "light hidden under a basket" - we have so many WONDERFUL programs,
> but only a very small fraction of the people that live here in OC have any
> idea that any of these resources even exist.
>
> And that's an issue that we are going to have to address if we are going to
> make any sort of meaningful impact on the divorce rate here in Orange County.
> I challenge and invite each one of you to stop for a minute and ponder that
> question - "how can we best "spread the word" about these available
> resources"? I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions regarding this.
>
> And, as always, please do your part to make this month's Calendar available to
> as many people within your own community as you can - by posting the Calendar,
> distributing it as a Handout whenever and wherever it is appropriate, and
> sending it via e-mail to as many people as you think is appropriate.
>
> Thank you to all of you, for everything you do to build Strong and Healthy
> Marriages here in Southern California!
>
> Dennis Stoica
> Orange County Marriage Resource Center
> www.OCMarriage.org
--------------
> Orange County Meeting Announcement
>
> You are cordially (nay - not just cordially - enthusiastically!) invited to
> attend April's Meeting of the Orange County Healthy Marriage Coalition which
> will take place on Thursday, April 14 from 1pm to 3pm - featuring the topic -
> "Promoting your Marriage Ministry/Program" - subtitled "If you build it, will
> they come?"
>
> So, you've done all the work of putting together a great Marriage
> Program/Ministry - .....prepared great material......, assembled and organized
> a team of volunteers to assist you....., organized your lectures, exercises
> and personal stories......you're ready to go!!! BUT - how do you get couples
> to attend?
>
> What good is the "greatest show in the world" if "no one in the world" shows
> up for it?
>
> And that is the challenge we face every time we put on a marriage
> ministry/program - attracting the couples who could benefit the most from it
> to actually participate in what we have to offer.
>
> And this April 14's "Marketing Workshop" will be different from most - because
> YOU will be delivering it to each other!
>
> In other words.......this will be an opportunity to share and LEARN FROM EACH
> OTHER about:
> - What has worked, and what hasn't worked in the area of promoting our
> own marriage ministries/programs?
> - What interesting and unusual approaches have we each tried - and how
> have they succeeded?
> - Flyers, brochures, newsletters, videos, pulpit talks, paid
> advertising, newspaper articles, announcements, word of mouth......so many
> options - how do we decide what to do?
> - And how do we make whatever it is we do - stand out in this "MTV
> world"?
> - And where do we go from here - for each of our own individual
> ministries/programs - and also as the "OC Marriage Movement"?
>
> Again, I want to emphasize - this is a meeting that we will all be delivering
> to each other. There will be no "just observers"! The price of admission is
> at least one piece of your own marketing/promotion literature that you will be
> sharing with the whole group or the "break-out groups" that we will be going
> into in the 2nd hour of our meeting. These "break-out" groups will allow six
> to eight of us to get together in a more "intimate setting" to look at the
> sample pieces we each bring in and to provide feedback about "what works" and
> "what doesn't work" about what we are already doing (or have already done or
> are thinking of doing).
>
> You know what guys? This should be fun! I hope to see you there!!!!
>
> Dennis Stoica
> Orange County Marriage Resource Center
> www.OCMarriage.org
>
> p.s. - I realize this meeting is scheduled to take place on the day before
> taxes are due - so get your taxes done early so they don't get in the way of
> your attending this session!!!!
################################
- MOTHERHOOD BEFORE MARRIAGE BY KATHY EDIN
Baltimore Sun
By Kathryn Edin
March 27, 2005
IN 1950, ABOUT one in 25 American children was born to an unmarried mother.
Today, that rate is about one in three, usually to those least likely to be
able to support a child on their own. This has led some to charge that the
marriage norm is dead in poor communities.
My colleague and I entered into the lives of 165 low-income single mothers
living in eight destitute neighborhoods across Philadelphia and its poorest
industrial suburb, Camden. We spent five years chatting over kitchen tables
and on front stoops, giving these mothers the opportunity to speak to the
question so many affluent Americans ask about them: why they have children
outside of marriage when they face such an uphill struggle in supporting
them.
In America's inner urban core, romantic relationships often proceed at
lightning speed, and conception often occurs within a year of when the
couple begins "kicking it." The news of a pregnancy, though, puts these new
relationships into overdrive, as the would-be mother begins to scrutinize
her mate like never before, wondering whether he can "get himself together"
- find a job, settle down and become a family man - in time.
Some soon-to-be fathers do rise to the occasion, but others greet the news
with threats, denials, abandonment and, sometimes, physical violence.
Frequently, though, the magic moment of birth reunites the new parents, who
then resolve to stay together for the sake of their child. Most even have
plans to marry. Yet despite these intentions, most couples break up well
before their child enters preschool.
Ironically, most believe that bearing children while poor and unmarried is
not the ideal way to do things. Yet given their limited economic prospects,
the poor have little motivation to time their births as precisely as
middle-class women often do.
While well-heeled suburban youths envision the professional kudos and chic
lifestyles that await them, to the poor, these aspirations are little more
than pipe dreams. So the dreams of poor youths often center instead on
children. Girls coming of age in inner-city slums value children highly,
anticipate them eagerly and believe strongly that they're up to the job of
mothering - even in circumstances far from ideal.
When we asked these young mothers what their lives would be like if they
hadn't had children, we thought they'd express regret over foregone
opportunities for school and careers. Instead, most believe their children
had saved them.
They described their lives before conception as spinning out of control -
struggles with parents and peers, "wild" risky behavior, depression and
school failure. Their children, they say, offer an opportunity to create
meaning and intimacy when few emotional resources exist elsewhere. In this
social context, putting off having kids to achieve one's dreams is deemed a
selfish act.
Like their middle-class counterparts, poor young women set a high financial
bar for marriage. Marriage is an elusive, shimmering goal - one that ought
to be reserved for those who can support a "white picket fence" lifestyle: a
mortgage on a modest rowhouse, a car and some furniture, savings in the bank
and enough money left over to pay for a "decent" wedding.
Yet these young women aren't merely content to rely on a man's earnings.
Rather, they insist on being economically "set" in their own right before
they take marriage vows. This is partly because they want a partnership of
equals and believe money buys say-so in a relationship. But means of one's
own are also insurance against a marriage gone bad.
Most important, though, poor women want partners they can trust. Their
relationships with their children's fathers are often fraught with violence
and infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal activity and the threat of
imprisonment. In this tarnished corner of urban America, the social stigma
of a failed marriage is far worse than an out-of-wedlock birth, so women
feel they must wait three, four and even five years after the birth to
ensure a marriage can last.
Promoting marriage among the poor has become the new war on poverty, Bush
administration style. And it is true that the correlation between marital
status and child poverty is strong. But the poor already believe in marriage
- profoundly so. However, given the often perilously low quality of their
romantic relationships, we ought to consider whether poor women aren't right
to be cautious about marriage.
We live in an America that is profoundly unequal, where the gap between rich
and poor continues to grow. This economic reality has infused poor youths
with the sense that they've got nothing to lose by an ill-timed birth.
Marital standards have risen for all Americans, and the standards the poor
hold are no different from what everyone now wants out of marriage. The poor
want to marry, but they insist on marrying well. This, in their view, is the
only way to avoid an almost certain divorce.
Doesn't having a child while young and unmarried preclude the possibility of
marrying well? Not in these mothers' view. In communities where most parents
have children by multiple partners, few expect a "traditional" marriage.
Indeed, they take it as a given that husband and wife will bring children
from past partnerships to the marriage.
Until poor young women have more access to jobs that lead to financial
independence - until there is reason to hope for the rewarding life pathways
their middle class-counterparts pursue - the poor will continue to have
children far sooner than most Americans think they should, while deferring
marriage.
Kathryn Edin is an associate professor of sociology at the University of
Pennsylvania and co-author of Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put
Motherhood Before Marriage.
@ Copyright Baltimore Sun 2005.
Anyone working in a CHMI should read this book and memorize it. To buy it on
Amazon, for only $16.47, click
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0520241134/smartmarriages
> Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage
> Kathryn Edin, Maria Kefalas
> $16.47 on amazon U of California Press, 2005 ISBN: 0520241134 This book
> provides the most insightful and comprehensive account I have read of the
> reasons why many low-income women postpone marriage but don't postpone
> childbearing. . . excellent job of illuminating the changing meaning of
> marriage in America."--Andrew Cherlin
#####################################
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