1001 Questions/In Lieu of Gifts/Calling/Divorce/Damage -9/04

[Smart Marriages ®]

subject: 1001 Questions/In Lieu of Gifts/Calling/Divorce/Damage -9/04


- 1001 QUESTIONS IN LOS ANGELES
- SENDING TO IRAQ IN LIEU OF WEDDING GIFTS
- OUTSIDE EACH OTHER
- COUPLES COMBINE CALLING WITH MARRIAGE
- DIVORCE ONLY HURTS FOR A LONG, LONG TIME
- HOW MUCH WORSE COULD GAY MARRIAGES DO?

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- 1001 QUESTIONS IN LOS ANGELES
Diane,
I did a book signing for "1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married" at
the Bellisima Bride Bridal Expo in Santa Clarita this weekend. The show was
successful with hundreds of brides stopping by to discuss the book. A good
percent of the books that were sold were bought by mothers and friends of
the bride-to-be, which emphasizes the need to market marriage prep to
EVERYONE, not just engaged couples.
Monica Leahy

She should probably retitle the book "1001 Questions to Ask Before They Get
Engaged" - once they get that bridal fair dust in their eyes it's so often
too late. But we catch wherever, and whenever we can. You should all be
hitting the bridal fairs - lots of fall weddings coming up. - diane

#######################
- SENDING TO IRAQ IN LIEU OF WEDDING GIFTS
Dear Diane,
Your posting about books and resources needed in Iraq came at a meaningful
time for me. I have been a reader of your list for the past couple of years
ever since a broken engagement prompted me to try to learn everything I
could about healthy marriages and making relationships stronger before they
start. A month after my then fiance announced he was in love with someone
else, I attended the Smart Marriages conference, with a broken heart but a
determination to learn. Also an adult child of divorced parents, I have had
to relearn ways of communicating, resolving conflict, expressing needs and
wants. Your list and the network it generates have been fantastic so thank
you so much.

I am now engaged to a wonderful, respectful man whose long-term professional
association with me has blossomed into a cherished friendship and for the
first time in my life, a truly loving relationship. We will be combining
two households when we marry and are trying to simplify our lives. Neither
one of us wants gifts for our wedding but know people will want to share our
joy somehow. We have been trying to think of how we can tactfully say, "no
gifts" or direct our guests to contribute to a charity in our honor but have
not known how to go about it. We would like our marriage to be the cause of
some greater good in the world and not just an occasion for one more frame,
dish, or gaudy lamp, no matter how well-intended.

My uncle was a POW in Vietnam for 6 years and thankfully returned home
safely. But he has borne the strains of failed marriages and I also
remember him saying how some of the darkest days of captivity were when his
fellow cellmates received the "Dear John" letters from spouses who had found
someone new or given up believing they would ever come home.

My brother is also career military and thankfully returned home safely from
a second tour in Iraq. We know first-hand how difficult the deployment was
for him, his wife and children, and our extended family. Our hearts go out
to countless other soldiers and their families who continue to go through
these separations of unknown duration amidst great stress and very real
physical danger.

While the military might have made strides in counseling services available
to troops and their families, it is my understanding that it is up to the
soldiers to seek it out. And many don't for fear it will be seen as a sign
of weakness or show up on their permanent record and hinder their chances
for promotion. I should think that there would be mandatory, pre and post
deployment interval-based counseling for these soldiers who no doubt will
experience post-traumatic stress and strains returning to "normal" family
life. I've heard they all attend the usual "don't beat your wife" talks but
there is a whole range of other relationship concerns and skills desperately
needed for military families or any couple who endure long separations.

So, long story short, I believe passionately in the importance of marriage
education at every level and phase of life and feel the poignancy of those
relationships that are currently affected by our country's military
involvement in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. My fiance and I would like
to make our wedding an occasion to help strengthen the relationships of
others as we start out on our own marriage together. Perhaps suggesting
that our guests who want to give gifts check out your website and purchase a
tape, book or CD and send it to our soldiers will be a good idea. Plus it
will give our guests a chance to learn about the wonderful resources
available to strengthen their *own* marriages. I welcome any further ideas
about how we might help.
M.
##########################
- OUTSIDE EACH OTHER
Diane,
>From poet Donald Hall, by way of Garrison Keillor... a poem that's
especially memorable for this line. - Carlos Wilton

"We learned how to love each other
by loving together
good things wholly outside each other"

This one nicely echoes the famous quote:
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each
other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
Antoine De Saint-Exupery ( I always thought it was Kahlil Bibran that said
this? Anyone know?)

Guess the point is that you can't say it too many times or in too many ways.
Blaine Fowers wrote a powerful book about this concept that I highly
recommend and also highly highly recommend Blaine's tapes from Smart
Marriages. Last year he did one of the Special Invited sessions so we have
it on DVD or audio. Here's a clip on his tape and book from an old newslist
- someone asked me about tapes to buy to use in-service training money.

Tape #753-301 "Character Marriage" by Blaine Fowers springs to mind. I can
remember thinking when I watched it that I wished I had a grant to provide a
copy to every family therapy/marriage education/family life
ministry/congregation (and couple) in the country. Fowers is the author of
"Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of Loyalty,
Generosity, Justice, and Courage can Strengthen Your Relationship" and a
clinician who works ONLY with couples (if someone wants individual therapy
he refers them out) and he presents his model for introducing concepts of
character marriage, character friendship, teamwork, shared meaning, shared
goals, shared problems in this session. He provides a new vocabulary,
exercises and tools for discussing how to move a couple from a "me" to a
"we" paradigm. Would also be a great resource for couples. After you use
the tape for your in-service training, let couples borrow it. Or set up a
video night and invite couples in to view and discuss the tapes. This one on
Character Marriage would be perfect to kick off a series. Or
give this tape and/or his book to newlyweds.

Whatever, the concept of strengthening your love by loving together things
outside yourselves is powerful and sets up this next article - diane
##########################
- COUPLES COMBINE CALLING WITH MARRIAGE
(This one reminds me of so many couples who are working together in our
efforts to strengthen marriage - there are amazing numbers of couples doing
this work as a team. - diane)

The Journal Times
Sept 20, 2004
By Lee Roberts

Job sharing is not a new concept among members of the clergy. Many churches
have two or even three pastors who serve the congregation together. For
Karin and Creighton Kaye, that sharing extends beyond their office hours as
co-pastors and to their life as a married couple.

The Kayes, who both serve the Evangelical United Methodist Church, 212 11th
St., are part of what seems to be a growing trend of husband-wife clergy
teams, as more and more women pursue careers in the ministry.

In their four years with the Racine church, the Kayes have created a system
that let's each work to their own strengths and passions, while at the same
time sharing congregational duties. Creighton, whom Karin says has a gift
for preaching and leadership, gives most of the Sunday sermons. And Karin,
whom Creighton describes as a wonderful teacher and an organizational wiz,
tends to more of the educational and administrative duties. Together they
share other pastoral duties, as well as a vision, for their congregation.

And it isn't the first time they've done so. Having met while in seminary in
Oklahoma, the Kayes went on to co-pastor several congregations in Oklahoma
and Iowa before coming to Racine. Karin, 40, who was raised in a military
family, had originally planned to become a Navy chaplain. And Creighton, 41,
dreamed of being a chaplain on a college campus. Ultimately they decided
what they wanted even more was to be together. And that is how they've been
working ever since.

A calling "We have never known what it would be like to not work together. I
can't imagine what it would be like to not work with him," Karin said.

"Ours is a good symbiotic relationship," Creighton said. "In the areas that
I'm weakest, she is strong. And one of the strengths we share is that we
trust each other."

The Kayes also feel strongly about being able to worship together as a
family. Their three children - Pierson, 11, Maddie, 9, and Sawyer, 6 - are
just as much a part of the church community as there parents are, and that
is another joy that working for the same church brings to them, the couple
said.

"This is a call for us, and we wanted the kids to be part of that,"
Creighton said. "Our kids are right out there with us. They are the first
ones to get here on Sunday and the last to leave. We want them to always be
in love with Jesus and the church."

Teamwork As pastors with one of the fastest growing churches in town, and
parents of active children, the Kayes are busy people. And working at the
same church gives them the flexibility to be able to fit it all together.

The congregation has been very supportive of their needs as a family, they
said. And they are very appreciative of that relationship.

"This works for Creighton and I - it works for our marriage and our family,"
Karin said.

And that feeling extends beyond the co-pastors to the rest of the church
staff and the congregation.

"Our whole staff really likes each other," said Creighton.

"We truly are a team," said Karin.

Learning the ropes Andrew and Melissa Shiels share a similar story. The
pair, both 27, are pastors serving Racine's Salvation Army Chapel and
Community Center, 1901 Washington Ave. The couple, who recently gave birth
to their first child, met through a mutual friend with the Salvation Army
and went on to become ordained ministers with the rank of Captain.

Both, very independent people before they came together, the Shiels said
they had to work at it a little to learn to share duties and space. And one
of their goals was to share things equally.

Like the Kayes, they have worked out a system in which each draws from their
strengths, while at the same time serving the congregation together.

"We complement one another," Melissa said.

Finding balance One challenge of working and living together is finding ways
to carve out time at home that is separate from their jobs, the Shiels said.

"We make a point to take some time together when we don't talk about work,"
Melissa said.

Open communication plays a very important role, said Andrew. "In our
journey, communication has been the key. When that breaks down, that's when
you start to have problems. You have to be able to talk to one another."

Their lives may not be a perfect balance, but such balance is something you
work toward, he said. And all of that hard work is made easier by the
passion the Shiels share for their work.

"We have our faith in God and in each other," Andrew said. "And we love what
we do."

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- DIVORCE ONLY HURTS FOR A LONG, LONG TIME
(He's eloquent about the shock and pain. I've emailed him about solutions.
When you see articles like this one, take time to contact the journalist and
give them the smartmarriages.com pitch. - diane
Sept 20, 2004
Jack Lukes
Special to The Tribune (San Luis Obispo)

?She?s divorcing me, Jack!? What could I say? I wanted to reassure my friend
by spouting something like, ?Don?t worry. It won?t be as bad as jumping into
a pit of starving hyenas, naked,? but his delicate condition so touched me
that it took me back to my own divorce some years ago.

Our final demise began with a typical separation after 12 years of
togetherness. I enacted my role in the familiar clich? by moving into a
temporary studio apartment. Temporary, because I maintained the egotistical
and self-deluded notion that my wife would eventually see the error of her
ways and beg me to take her back. In the meantime, I did exciting things
like pace the mall or act ignorant at the Laundromat so pretty women would
take pity on me.

Six weeks passed and still I heard no begging. Or talking. I became
outraged. How could she trash a prize like myself after all I?d let her do
for me?

One lonely night, headed for my apartment, sick of eating burgers and pizza,
yet hungrier than a Viking returning from battle, I had a yen to tear into
some real meat, squab or wild boar maybe.

I stopped at the supermarket and bought a barbecued chicken.

As I sat at a TV tray stuffing my face with the foul fowl and chasing it
down with near-wine, the phone rang. Ah, salvation! It had to be my wife.
Greasy-handed, I snatched up the receiver, certain she?d finally come to her
senses and was ready to do married life the right way: my way. Although her
pleading would not be a pretty thing to hear, I promised myself I?d be
compassionate. She caught me off guard.

?Jack, it?s over. I?ve filed for a divorce.?

I was so stunned, my machismo leaked out my sleeve. It was suddenly me who
was begging for another chance, but she was a brick wall. When further
sniveling proved futile, I switched to indignation and launched a manly
inquiry.

Pertinent questions had to be asked x male questions. The first one was
traditional: men in my position had asked it for millions of years. The
earliest neanderthal x a mammoth gizzard hanging from his chin x most
assuredly grunted this same question:

?Is there somebody else??

Such a vital male concern rated the customary female consolation:

?Sort of.?

I felt my guts twist like a nightcrawler in the sun. Masochism seemed to be
the order of the evening. ?Do you love him?? ?I guess.?

If she didn?t know for sure, why didn?t she say, ?I guess not?? One last
question. The big one. It was hard to get the words out, like tip-toeing
past a barrel of nitro. ?Is he there right now??

Her answer was pure female. ?Now, Jack, I don?t see how that?s important.?

Oh, my! Not only was he there, he was THERE.

I refocused on my friend in front of me. ?You want to know what divorce is
like?? I bit my tongue. ?It?ll be just fine.? I didn?t have the heart to
tell him the truth: Compared to what he was in for, the hyena pit would be a
picnic.

#######################
- HOW MUCH WORSE COULD GAY MARRIAGES DO?
(Based on my new rule, when 5 or more of you send me an article, I'll send
it to the list. I agree, this guy does hit a lot of bases - even talking
about govt-sponsored marriage prep classes. There's SO MUCH commentary in
the news about same sex marriage that I tend not to post it and leave it to
the many blogs to handle it all, but apparently this one stood out for many
of you as 'interesting enough to pass along especially considering the
source.' Several of you know about this guy. I don't. Am embarrassed to
admit I've never even heard of the TV show "Family Ties" - it sounds like
something I should check out. - diane)
OPINION
By MICHAEL GROSS
Special to the Los Angeles Times
Sept 20, 2004

Affixed to our refrigerator door is a photo of my wife and several of her
friends: five attractive, intelligent suburban women, some professionals,
some housewives, many of them friends for more than 20 years. Among the many
things they have in common is the fact that they all experienced marriages
put to the torch by husbands who once publicly avowed to stand by their
spouses until death did them part.

One of the husbands decided that his marriage and family interfered with his
time at the gym. Another went searching for a "new and improved" woman,
while another had already found one. One nurtured his personality disorder
like a hothouse flower, and -- my personal favorite -- one walked out on his
toddler and pregnant wife during Christmas week. Oh, tidings of comfort and
joy.

Unfortunately, stories such as these are all too common, even in good,
solid, conservative communities such as my own. But in our zeal to defend
the institution of marriage, I can't help wondering whether a constitutional
ban on gay marriage may just be shifting the blame.

I admit that blame-shifting does have its rewards. Nothing could be more
satisfying than to think that gay men and lesbians -- not we -- are
responsible for the shameful rate of failed marriages in the United States.
If, as the Rev. Jerry Falwell claimed, they were indirectly responsible for
the attacks of 9/11, they might be capable of anything!

But the first casualty of shifting the blame is often common sense: the
rapist blaming his crime on the immodest dress of his victim; a defense
lawyer assigning his client's murder spree to a Twinkies diet; or a Talib
concluding that his obsession with a woman's bare ankle is best addressed by
blowing up a pair of 1,500-year-old Buddhas.

If the conservatives are right and we've become a society of whining victims
-- fighting for a spot on "Oprah" and blaming others for our troubles --
then let's stop rebuking homosexuals for the sad state of conjugal bliss and
pass some laws that really make a difference.

How about a constitutional amendment to deny marriage to any couple that did
not take a mandatory, government-sponsored prenuptial class? Or denying
divorce to any couple that did not submit to a minimum of six months of
twice-weekly marriage counseling sessions? Sterilization for any
heterosexual man who abandons his children? A tax deduction for joining
Promise Keepers?

I understand the moral outrage of those who invoke the biblical injunctions
against homosexuality, but if we're not going to observe its equally
no-nonsense penalties for adultery (i.e., stoning to death), maybe the
fairest thing to do would be to leave the homosexuals to themselves while we
put our own houses in order. I can't imagine they'd botch the job any more
than some of us have.

Michael Gross is an actor; he is well known for his role as the father on
the television series "Family Ties."

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